Here's the thing, everybody will have their perspective, and you can actually walk away with a crappy essay because you tried to input their suggestions.
1. Take it to your English Teacher...preferably AP English, AP Lit.
This person's job is to grade essays everyday. Tell them to hit you hard, including passive structure.
Make sure they know the topic.
IMPO, most kids do not reiterate the question in their opening paragraph, and thus the reader is left wondering what is the premise.
Worse yet, the ones I have read have been filled with:
I.... I....I...I...
~~~~I get it you!
Remember if you sit here and say every other sentence I, it will show in a negative manner.
Most MOC's have boards, it is not the Cong. or Sen. alone making the decision it is "THEIR" board which could be 8+ people reading that essay and scoring it.
I also have read the same thing over and over again...since I was 6, as a military child, I remember when, I will be the best ... yadda, yadda, yadda
Your goal is to make the board say, I need to meet this kid in person!
2. Talk to your ALO
Some ALO's are hands on. If your ALO is hands on, offer them the option to edit your essay. If not move on.
I.E. on this forum Mongo as a BGO for the USNA doesn't do it, our ALO in NC basically MANDATED it, meeting every candidate 1X a week for edit, re-edit, re-edit, and re-edit again.
3. No offense to candidates, but I wouldn't pm them your essay.
The fact is they are in the game with you, hence can't assist since they don't know yet how they fared with their own MOCs.
4. You do not say what state you are from.
There are many active posters from various states that have received noms. in previous yrs. It is an advantage for you to stating the state because posters will not only be able to assist for that area, but can also assist if there was an interview process.
Just like the WCS...this is a WHOLE PICTURE process.
Good Luck
