Advice: Friendship

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by howacupcake, Jan 14, 2012.

  1. howacupcake

    howacupcake Member

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    I know there are a lot of knowledgeable people on these forums, so I need some advice!

    Why do those who you care about most tend to hurt you the most?

    As for family, they've always had my back through thick and thin. But friends on the other hand... I have a couple friends who I really care about because I am a caring person. But time after time, they keep hurting me with their actions and back-stabbing, and time after time, I forgive them.

    I know within a year I'll be off to bigger and better places, and high school is so temporary..but I would like some wisdom on friends for the remainder of high school. I have 6 months left, and I don't want to be down in the dumps because my friends are not true friends. I want to make my senior year memorable and fun, but with so much drama it seems impossible.

    Its commonly said that you'll only keep in contact with a few friends in highschool, and I know that is true. Should I let go of these friends or be the light in their life, the one who is always there for them? What is your definition of friendship?
     
  2. Christcorp

    Christcorp Member

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    The only advice I can give, is for you to better define, to yourself, the word "FRIEND". You say you have a couple of "Friends" that you care about, who time after time hurt you. I contend that they are NOT FRIENDS. You call them friends because you WANT friends. They are simply acquaintances; classmates; kids you grew up with; etc... They aren't "Friends".

    Who is my "Best Friend"? ...... My Wife. Who is my next best friend? ..... My son. Then, my daughter. A true friend is someone whom you have a special relationship that isn't really mandated, such as being a blood relative. So for me; I'm fortunate enough to be able to have multiple relationships with my wife and kids. As blood relatives and as friends. A true friend is someone who you share certain interests and experiences with; but they are there for you selflessly, "Like a relative", when you need them.

    So, my advice is: "Realize that these individuals in fact are NOT your "Friends". Once you realize that, then what they think of you won't matter. Then, you'll be able to see them for what they are, and you won't let them screw you. I hate to say that this is something you learn as you grow up, but it is. I thought I had some true friends when I was in high school. But I didn't. Not saying you can't. My wife has some true friends that she's had since high school. That was over 30 years ago. They still call/email often, and see each other a couple times a year. And my wife knows that her friend would be there for here in a moment's notice. Wouldn't think twice about it. Once you learn/know the true definition of what a "Friend" is; you'll realize that these individuals you speak of, AREN'T you friends. Then, you won't be bothered by this any longer. Best of luck to you.
     
  3. Dixieland

    Dixieland Member

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    Christcorp has summed it up nicely.

    Like I used to tell my sons...high school is just a "blip" on the radar. Someday you will look back and say, "This was a really strange time in my life." You will keep up with the true friends that you truly care about.

    Both of my sons found their true, good friends in college, not high school.
     
  4. howacupcake

    howacupcake Member

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    Wow thank you for your wisdom!!:thumb: I appreciate it. You're right..they are not my friends. Silly me for thinking so. Thanks to them I am stronger and wiser and I'm going to work a little bit harder!:shake:
     
  5. raimius

    raimius USAFA Alumnus

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    Sometimes it is hard to figure out where people fall in the stranger-acquaintance-friend continuum. This is certainly one place where actions speak louder than words.

    Would they give you sound advice, if you asked?
    Would they give you sound advice if you didn't ask?
    Would they stand up for you, if things started to go south?
    Would they answer a phone call at 3AM from you?
    Would they pick you up, if you called at 3AM?
    etc. etc.
     
  6. howacupcake

    howacupcake Member

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    Raimus, very true. Right now I am dealing with friends that are kinda two-faced. They can pick up the phone at 3am but then talk about me when I am not around. But overall, I am still learning and determined to keep my distance!!
     
  7. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    JMPO, but if you are asking the question of friendship, in your heart you know the answer.

    However, for most of us it has been at least a half of dozen yrs (raimius) since in HS, and for the majority it has been decades.

    People who are truly blessed in life will admit that this "dream" they sell you of it being the best time of your life is total BS. It is probably the hardest time in your life emotionally because of the games that are played everyday. Teenagers are just down right cruel, but somehow, we as adults never think that about are own children.

    This is my advice...accept them for what they are...soon to be acquaintances. Do not confide in them, you have already acknowledge as a group they are back stabbers. Yet, still hang with them. That is where I expect to be flamed! Prom season, graduation, all of the truly best things in HS are approaching, and I worry that maybe this is more about stress all of you are feeling as decisions are coming down, and this is when insecurities rise.

    Is it a group issue or 1 person in particular? There will always be jealousy until the day you die. Some are weaker and want approval from the Queen Bee, thus they gossip to gain favoritism.

    You should just step back, but still socialize and hang with them. Just be cognizant and change the subject if they are asking about your life. In a yr from now, whether you go to the AFA or a traditional college you will come home for breaks and it will be lonely if you cut them all out. You will be amazed how the Queen Bee is no longer in control. That clique will break up, and those who were true friends will remain true friends.

    You will be able to forgive them because when time passes you will also realize that as much as you thought you didn't feed into the system, you did. You probably said an off the cuff comment to Sally about Janie, so Janie said a comment to Cindy about you. You can be 68 or 18, but you will always have insecurities if you don't acknowledge it.

    At least for our DD that is what she realized when she came home from college. She swore up and down the pike that she didn't do anything to warranted it when she came home in tears from HS, but now she is friends again with her BFF because the Queen BEE was removed. The Queen Bee played the mind games pitting them against each other out of her own jealousy and insecurities.

    Just ask yourself before you cut anyone out of your life if something is being manipulated by someone.
     
  8. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    JMPO, but if you are asking the question of friendship, in your heart you know the answer.

    However, for most of us it has been at least a half of dozen yrs (raimius) since in HS, and for the majority it has been decades.

    People who are truly blessed in life will admit that this "dream" they sell you of it being the best time of your life is total BS. It is probably the hardest time in your life emotionally because of the games that are played everyday. Teenagers are just down right cruel, but somehow, we as adults never think that about are own children.

    This is my advice...accept them for what they are...soon to be acquaintances. Do not confide in them, you have already acknowledge as a group they are back stabbers. Yet, still hang with them. That is where I expect to be flamed! Prom season, graduation, all of the truly best things in HS are approaching, and I worry that maybe this is more about stress all of you are feeling as decisions are coming down, and this is when insecurities rise.

    Is it a group issue or 1 person in particular? There will always be jealousy until the day you die. Some are weaker and want approval from the Queen Bee, thus they gossip to gain favoritism.

    You should just step back, but still socialize and hang with them. Just be cognizant and change the subject if they are asking about your life. In a yr from now, whether you go to the AFA or a traditional college you will come home for breaks and it will be lonely if you cut them all out. You will be amazed how the Queen Bee is no longer in control. That clique will break up, and those who were true friends will remain true friends.

    You will be able to forgive them because when time passes you will also realize that as much as you thought you didn't feed into the system, you did. You probably said an off the cuff comment to Sally about Janie, so Janie said a comment to Cindy about you. You can be 68 or 18, but you will always have insecurities if you don't acknowledge it.

    At least for our DD that is what she realized when she came home from college. She swore up and down the pike that she didn't do anything to warranted it when she came home in tears from HS, but now she is friends again with her BFF because the Queen BEE was removed. The Queen Bee played the mind games pitting them against each other out of her own jealousy and insecurities.

    Just ask yourself before you cut anyone out of your life if something is being manipulated by someone.
     
  9. howacupcake

    howacupcake Member

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    Thank You Pima. I agree that high school can be somewhat cruel at times and good friends are difficult to find. I’ve decided to keep in contact with those who have remained loyal and good to me throughout high school. My parents have told me that some of my friends (now acquaintances) are bringing me down, which is true, and I was just too blind to notice it. Everyone is in a flurry now, with college decisions quickly approaching. In this time of stress, I have the opportunity to see everyone’s true colors.
    I guess dealing with friends is all a part of maturing. I’m learning who to keep and who not to keep, who to trust and who to not trust. It’s difficult sometimes because so many people want to play games, and I don’t. In retrospect, I’m happy about some of the things I’ve experienced because it’s made me stronger and wiser, and more prepared for challenges I may face as an officer.
    Bad company corrupts good character. I better move quickly before they rub off on me!
     
  10. OhioSoccerMom

    OhioSoccerMom Member

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    "Bad company corrupts good character. I better move quickly before they rub off on me!"

    Ohhh.... how much better the HS experience would be if all teeangers learned this!! Well done, Howacupcake!!

    Pima's right about the fact that there are some who will sell you the line "HS is the best 4 years of your life". What a load of crap!! It wasn't horrible... but it was SO not the best!!

    HS to my memory was much like the part of Finding Nemo when Marlin and Dory had to exit the current (the part with the Sea Turtles!) and when they did, it was super-fast, topsy-turvy, had no idea which end was up, completely confusing, what the heck is going on here?!?!.... and then, the next thing they knew, they were spit out into this calm sea, and it was over. While I'm not saying college is exactly calm... socially, at least, it's a whole lot more relaxed! I don't remember peer pressure, I don't remember head games, there really was no Queen Bee to speak of. College for me was awesome! And while I am still friends with some people from HS, I'm much closer to the people I made friends with in college. Christcorp, who also gave you EXCELLENT advice, is right though, hands-down: Who's my best friend? My husband. God chose well for me!! :smile: May He do so for you when the time is right, also!! (Which, as any mom will tell you, is after college, of course!!) :smile:
     
  11. robinhood17

    robinhood17 USMA Cadet

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    Man, I cannot agree with you more howacupcake. As a highschool senior, it is difficult to really find a group of friends that truly care about you. Out of my school of 4,500... There is only 2 people I trust. One of them is my counselor. I saw that you are in California as well...we may know each other. :)

    No one at my school really understands the service academies. I usually get confused stares when I say I can't (and don't want to) go to some party...or sneak out to meet up with "friends" ,try that Smirnoff try brought for fun or ditch class because we're "seniors and it doesn't matter". I often find my self choosing a life filled with gym,school,track,coaching,scouts,job,and homework with little friends.

    When I sit down as think about that though...the best company I will ever be in is in the service with great men and women protecting our country. I would rather work hard now and "play" later. I am glad I'm not the only one though. Thank you for sharing..
     
  12. Lynpar

    Lynpar Member

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    Howacupcake, my DS is a plebe at KP. He was always very social early in high school. "social butterfly" my DH used to say, not as a compliment. His second semester JR year he took an opportunity to attend a school program many states away with a number of students from around the country. Once he came back from that experience he looked at high school completely differently. It was kind of like having an early college experience then returning to high school. He realized the only thing he really had in common with his high school mates was location. His world view had changed dramatically. His main focus then became a service academy. He did participate in his sport senior year and even went to the prom with I gal (I had never even heard of) as friends. He did however maintain close contact with a handful of kids he met while away the previous year. So he enjoyed the activities but was not too invested in the people here at home. Not that he thought he was too good, he just wasn't interested in the same things anymore. Once he was accepted in November of senior year his focus was on making it too the academy so he avoided all the stupid things and parties where, well, you just never know what can happen.
    ( side note: there is a kid who was also set to go off to an academy for the class of 2015 but went to a bonfire a week before and was burned badly enough he was unable to take his appointment. Of all the things I tried to warn my son about, fire never crossed my mind)
    So now bubble wrap to protect yourself and a little Teflon to keep the emotional baggage from sticking may be in order. I think you are more mature than your classmates at this point in time and you just need to keep your eye focused on the next right thing. Remaining in one piece and reporting this summer. Good luck to you :thumb:
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2012
  13. howacupcake

    howacupcake Member

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    “Who's my best friend? My husband. God chose well for me!!”

    -Yes, that is one of my prayers to God. I hope one day I can get married and have a good best friend!

    “When I sit down as think about that though...the best company I will ever be in is in the service with great men and women protecting our country.”

    --Stephanie, I cannot agree with you more. One thing great about graduating high school, is knowing that I will make a difference in my future. Serving in the military is one of the most honorable things to do, and one of the things I know that I will carry proudly with me for the rest of my life. I am so glad to have the opportunity to be able to serve this great country and to give everything for the betterment of the United States. I know that at an Academy, the people are of such high character and caliber because they were willing to sacrifice their college party years for something much greater than themselves. Everyday I look forward to being in an environment where I know the outcome is much greater than I can even comprehend. Being in the military is sacrifice, but a great sacrifice and worth every moment. They say, do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do. That’s exactly what I’m doing right now. Working hard and preparing myself so that I can be the best officer I can be, and so that my subordinates have someone to look up to and enjoy working for. It’s all about character, integrity, and understanding what a privilege it is to be a United States Citizen.

    “So now bubble wrap to protect yourself and a little Teflon to keep the emotional baggage from sticking may be in order. I think you are more mature than your classmates at this point in time and you just need to keep your eye focused on the next right thing. Remaining in one piece and reporting this summer.”

    --Yes, every experience is only making me stronger. I’m keeping my eyes on the prize, and definitely on my dreams. I’ll make sure to enjoy my free time with my loved ones, and enjoy the little freedom I have now!
     
  14. -Bull-

    -Bull- Member

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    Christcorp summed it up the best, and there really is nothing else to add. They are not your friends. I'd suggest stepping back and looking at what you want in a friend and finding that person at your school. I've been lucky enough to have the same "best friends" since middle school and I still see these friends every day after being in college for 2 years, even though all of these guys have joined different organizations (ROTC, fraternities, etc.). Once you decide what you want in your friends, it becomes easier to find these people, and stay with these people. Best of luck to you.

    EDIT: I just saw you were looking at SA's/ROTC. If you can't find anyone at your school you really consider a great friend, honestly, try and hold out til graduation. The second you join an SA or ROTC, you will meet your best friends, this I can guarentee. It will get better.
     
  15. rkrosnar

    rkrosnar Member

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    When, I attended Millersville University, I became a Student Trainer for the Athletic program. The late Head Football Coach, Dr. Gene Carpenter always taught, his players and other staff was " You are known by the company, that you keep." This has an impact on me to this this very day. This is probably the most important thing, I have ever learned, in my life.

    RGK
     
  16. cchung34

    cchung34 Member

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    robinhood17 and howacupcake, I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU! There are times when my "friends" would tell me to come to a party or event and go drinking and do NOT realize that I am under the Honor Code/Conduct Code (if there is one) and have ALWAYS been. They do NOT realize how much the service academies mean to me. Maybe that's the reason why we do not have many loyal friends because they simply do not understand. We, as high school students and applicants to service academies, are maturing much faster than others who are applying to civilian colleges and will "party hard".

    This is one of the reasons why I am VERY excited to go to a service academy, whether it be USAFA or USCGA. I wanna meet my true friends, the ones that will not abandon me during a time when I am struggling and the ones that will save my life when in combat from the enemy. I want to meet my friends, the ones that I will stay in contact for the rest of my life.
     

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