Can anyone please help me on my essay?

Essay help

I also had similar experience and what I did is to make myself calm down; I will go outside for a whole day and put away the essay thing. When having enough relax, I will sit down and think about it again. Maybe you can try.
 
Most people on the boards will recommend that you ask a trusted adult to help you. A parent, an English teacher from school, guidance counselor, etc. The essay needs to be "you" and one of us strangers off the internet can not help you to convey that.

Stepping away is also a good idea but if you really want a consult on your writing, stick close to home. Your goal should not be the best written essay of all time. Your goal should be the best essay that shows them who YOU are. Sometimes those two things go together and sometimes they don't.

Best of luck!
 
This was my son's essay from several years ago. It is far from perfect, but he did receive an NROTC 4yr scholarship to U Mich. Unfortunately, he got a medical DQ and had to plan B it.

My advice to him was to let his recommendations, transcripts, test scores, and extra-curriculars describe him. Don't drone on about past experiences or the importance of the military. They already know how important it is.

DS has difficult time talking about himself. I reminded him that the purpose of the essay is specifically to talk about yourself. Tell them what you want to do and why. Paint the picture of the future that is in your mind. Let it all hang out and let the chips fall where they may. In the end, all he says is, "I want to do something cool that has meaning and that I can be proud of. And I like big a$$ machines ."

"Society often measures success by the size of one’s bank account or by the “prestige” of one’s job. At school, we are advised to do well in order to secure a “good” career. This is superficial at best. Success should be measured by the good we do, which is my motivation to become a US Naval Officer. In that role, I would feel immense pride as I serve myself, my fellow sailors and my country.

I believe every American should serve his/her country in some way. Regardless of one's feelings toward the US, one cannot deny the opportunities it affords its citizens for a rich and fulfilling life. I feel that my education will prove to be my greatest asset. It is among the many benefits I have received which will allow me to achieve my goals. For that I feel a debt of gratitude, which I am happy to repay. I see no better way to do this than through military service.

I want my service to have an impact. As an officer, I would have the responsibility to lead others. I would not only carry the burden of my responsibilities, but also help shoulder the burden of my team/unit. My actions would be directly reflected by the successes and failures of my unit. It is one of the few jobs in which my actions would impact those that I lead, the institution of which I am a part, and the nation I represent.

With my education and a Naval Commission, I am certain that my job after college would be purposeful. The US military has the role of protecting and advancing US interests. The Navy has the unique mission of projecting US power most quickly, requiring a global presence. As an officer, I would have a leadership role in missions as diverse as helping a nation recover from a natural disaster or providing a stabilizing influence in the South China Sea. My job would be interesting. For a Mechanical Engineer there is nothing like a massive, complex naval vessel containing every possible engineering challenge.

As I look toward the future, the opportunity to become an officer excites me. I see myself in a position where my work will be meaningful. I want to feel pride in my work and the work of those that I command. Most important, I want to serve and protect my country. We do that not only by protecting our shores, but by helping those around the world who aspire to live free and peacefully with their neighbors--no matter where they are. There is only one career choice that I believe can give me such opportunities and that is the career of a United States Naval Officer."

I am sure posters can offer criticisms of this essay to give OP a broader perspective. DS also asked his English Comp teacher for help.

Best of luck and take seriously the advice your are given on this forum.
 
Another source for review is your ALO. My son's ALO reviewed everything he submitted before it was finalized, and had some great feedback. This in addition to the reviewers already suggested (teachers, school administrators, family/friends in the military or from military background, etc.).

Don't use folks you find on the Internet to review your essays. There is no way folks here can know you enough to provide meaningful feedback.

Good luck!
 
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