Can I have a little feedback( Personal Statement)

Discussion in 'Naval Academy - USNA' started by dhenry94, Jul 29, 2011.

  1. dhenry94

    dhenry94 Member

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    Could you guys please give me some constructive criticism or, feedback on this personal statement? Thanks!!

    (1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
    (2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

    BOOM!!! The beautiful sound of the Blue Angel F/A-18 Hornet breaking the sound barrier was the signaling moment when I decided that I wanted and would be a fighter pilot for the U.S. Navy. I've wanted to fly advanced jets ever since I was able to read about them. I know I can be a great pilot and an exceptional leader when it comes to military service and that's exactly the type of career I know I would excel in. To be a qualified pilot in the Armed Forces I understand you must have a four year post-secondary degree, and I know the United States Naval Academy can provide me with the best education available. Pilot's have to be the best for they're going to be protecting their assigned carrier, and not to mention landing on it. So I've been enrolled in my schools aviation program to start my training early. I've amassed 12 hours total flight time and expect to solo and receive my Private Pilot's License as well, before I graduate. The academy's academics engineering program is rated #5 in the country so achieving my Aeronautical Engineer degree from here would be a great feat for a prospective pilot. I've rigorously prepared myself for this through taking AP English 3, AP Chemistry, Dual Credit U.S. History, and Dual Credit B.I.M . To keep my skills sharp I plan on taking all AP core classes and Calculus as well Trigonometry to prepare myself for the rigors of being a Navy Pilot. My entire life has been devoted to becoming a fighter pilot, and as my uncle told me one day, either you have what it takes, or you don't. I definitely have what it takes and would be a great asset to the U.S. Navy.
    My character was clearly defined last my past years in theater. The HISD One Act Play Area contest,which lies on the doorstep of the Regional competition is one of the toughest in Texas. Our ensemble had performed well but made a major miscalculation and left our audio CD in the sound booth. Both president and Vice President of our club decided to keep it under wraps, for if we won they would receive a full ride scholarship to the school of their choice. My character and integrity were tested strenuously at this moment, for despite sacrificing the aspiring dreams of my friends and instantly disqualifying my school from the contest. I knew it was just simply wrong. I think back on that now and realize that it takes courage under fire to do the right thing, sacrifice yourself and others if necessary to protect something greater than yourself. This is the effective quality of leadership, one I have proven well beyond my bounds. Whch is exactly why I would be the perfect pilot in the U.S. NAVY.
     
  2. Whistle Pig

    Whistle Pig Banned

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    Some might give you some. Might I suggest this forum may not be the place for this? Perhaps some BGOs might guide you to a more appropriate source of support? And this could be a can of worms. Yo u're making nice progress in your efforts on this.
     
  3. usna1985

    usna1985 USNA Alumnus

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    You can certainly ask your own BGO to review your statement and provide comments. I've done this at the request of some of my candidates. Your parents may be a good source of support and, once school starts, an English teacher can be a great help.

    If you want to get help from someone on this forum, the better approach is to ask those willing to help to PM you. That way, all can send comments and revisions back and forth more efficiently.
     
  4. Whistle Pig

    Whistle Pig Banned

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    Did you really mean sending "...revisions back and forth"??? Or merely comments?
     
  5. howacupcake

    howacupcake Member

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    I liked it. But the second half (the anecdote) is a little unclear.
     
  6. MIDNDAD

    MIDNDAD Member

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    Becarefull asking for advice like this on an open forum.

    You have the core points to make an excellent personal statement but it is also full of fluff that says nothing. You have 500 words and you are wasting half of them.

    Find someone close to you and have them help refine your thoughts and expand on your core points.
     
  7. navy2016

    navy2016 Member

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    One thing i see that probably isn't needed is the overstatement of your accomplishments. Keep in mind, these things were suppose to have been listed in your application. Unless particular activities directly lead to your interest I would not even bother mentioning in this essay. This is an essay not a resume. Show admissions the person you are beyond what you list on a resume and test scores.

    I am using my sister to help me weed out unneeded parts.
     
  8. MorganC

    MorganC Prospective

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    I know this has nothing to do with what you asked but what happens if you don't get a pilot slot...? Or if you do get a slot but end up not getting jets?

    This entire thing is based on flying jets. They might see this as being a little narrow. There are so many variables that could keep you from that dream.

    Would you be happy as a SWO, as a Sub? Needs of the Navy come first.
     
  9. Packer

    Packer Member

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    Whose personal statement is this?
     
  10. time2

    time2 Member

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    I don't follow how leaving that audio CD in the sound booth turned into a disqualification. Need to use clearer examples. At least one of the sentences is not a complete sentence.
     
  11. robinhood17

    robinhood17 USMA Cadet

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    Like stated before me,use care in posting on this forum. 99% are here to help, but know your personal statement should be just that... YOURS. Guard it, and keep it unique to you, so when an admissions personnel reads it they think "wow, that's something I haven't read" instead of " didn't I just read one EXACTLY like this?"

    The statement is very illusory. With such illustrative words and phrases, you often lose depth and clarity. When I started writing my statements, I started like this:

    (Why do you want to work at McDonalds, and what would make you a good employee?)
    Answer 1: Like to work with people
    Support:
    - experience with ____
    - enjoy meeting those in the community
    Answer 2: great work ethic
    support:
    - always on time
    - very responsible because of ___
    - I have experience which could lead to future advancement
    That's just an example I made up...but maybe you should take this and apply it to the statement. USNA is looking for certain core values in it's midshipmen. take a glance at the mission and see how it applies to you?

    If you were to follow the outline above, It should help cut and trim until you have 500 concise, easy to follow words. Read your statement aloud to a friend, and they should be able to tell you what the question was, just by your words along. :smile: PM me if I can help!

    Stephanie :smile:
     
  12. 1964BGO

    1964BGO Member

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    As before, you put yourself on a hazardous path in your request for input, etc. It seems to be a by-product of facebook, etc.

    I'm not certain I'd be moved by your first paragraph; it seems disjointed and a bit over dramatic.

    You need to get this to someone who has a firm grasp of grammar; you have a ton of errors throughout. My best CO, in a squadron All Officers Meeting forcefully reminded all of us that no matter how good we might be in performing our daily roles, people outside the squadron would judge us by how well and effectively we communicate, and written communications is particularly damning as your message is there in black and white.

    Pay attention to details! Best wishes.
     

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