Can you review/critique my essay?

[HNK413]

Hi guys! I just want some constructive peer review on my essay to my MOC before I mail it in a few days time.


Explain why you want to attend a military academy and what this has to do with your future goals and the goals of the United States military.


Essay 1



**EDITED**

 

[HNK413]

Sorry if it's a bit long.... :/

 

[tommyboy44]

My biggest tip is to work on your grammar. I have noticed a lot of simple grammar mistakes which does not look good to a MOC board.

 

[Cerberi]

IMHO - this is not the place to post your essay looking for inputs. If for no other reason, wouldn't want to encourage others to post their essay. Take your essay to you English instructor, he/she should be skilled enough to help you clean up your (emphasis on your) message into a concise well written document.

 

[dakine]

OP. I agree with the posts above. Another reason not to post essays here is that there may be people from the admissions committee lurking. My advice is to never post your essays on social media or show to friends. Why? Because what if someone uses that essay to apply to the same college/academy as you. That said, you are probably going to rewrite this essay anyway so it won't matter.

In reading your essay, I want to hear more about you. Tell the reader what your goals and dreams are - and what you are doing to get there. What have you accomplished that demonstrates your leadership abilities. Write an essay only you could write. Seek help from your high school counselor or maybe someone who has attended a competitive college.