Communication with C4C DS 2019

[RedDragon]

Wow...I hear many a familiar refrain in this thread. DS is a C3C and we go weeks sometimes without communication...then he will call and want to talk for an hour. The same was true during his first year. Part of allowing him to become his own person and we are very proud of the person he is becoming.

 

[Pima]

I hope that many candidates and parents of candidates walk away with same opinion as RedDragon. It is something that may give them peace of mind come next year wherever their children land.

I would also say for parents that have cadets here with the ultimate goal of flying, there is another common refrain here from parents of pilots. It can go very silent at UPT. Additionally, as we all stated that rarely ever received phone call mid week makes you immediately ask as soon as you say hello is WHAT's Wrong? That is how rare it was in my life.
~ We would know on his weekend call if he was having a check ride that week, and what day. That was the OMG day if the phone rang, because it was going to be him on top of the world or him licking his wounds.
~~ Sometimes you just felt that silence was the best thing you wanted because at least you could hope that nothing bad happened.

I also agree that every family unit is different and we all need to respect that. There is no perfect solution for everyone. However, I also do feel that we are so early into this year that this will all settle down come Thanksgiving and that is the time to really broach the subject if things do not change for any cadet.

In November, all of these forums (SA and ROTC) will be filled with I sent a child off and they returned to me an adult. The amount they mature in these 4 months is astounding. You will go WOW and wonder if this is your kid. Don't worry...you will be reassured within 6-9 hours that it is indeed your kid when the tv is blaring at midnight, the wet towels are back on the floor, and they still can't find the dishwasher located next to the sink!

 

[fencersmother]

And there is absolutely no more food in your house!

 

[Kanye's Dad's Sock Puppet]

Having both sponsored for many years and now having our own child in, this is something we have seen and heard about a lot.

Seems to vary from individual to individual and no one family dynamic or culture is the same as another but the silence is often as someone said the cadet trying to reconcile their expectations of the place with the reality of it. Life is not fair, no place or person is perfect and many spend some time considering if this really is what they want. This can many times be a private introspective process that does not involve family especially if family is not prior military.

Not often discussed here but many more make the decision to come with parents that are reluctant or asking "are you sure," than make the decision to come with parent pushing them. It can therefore be hard for many reasons to talk about this with parents. That reconciliation with reality is not easy and takes time and likely happens again during the dark ages as its now called (OMG, its not just imperfect, the "suck" lasts forever...) .

On other fronts it may be easier for them to reach out. Our child is struggling with selection of a major. Many high achievers never really had the time to "find themselves" and this is not exactly a luxury afforded to those attending an SA. Got a call yesterday with the child questioning some really bad advise offered by their academic adviser. My sense is that its easier for them to reach out on some questions and less so on others as they find their way and their own voice.

 

[MombaBomba]

Before going off to the academy, mine was quite communicative, but after acceptance day, mine also withdrew and didn't communicate much. I found that texting about a possible package got an instant response, and I knew he was still "alive".

There are problems with wifi and with privacy. As doolies, they have to keep their door open until taps. Also, if the cell phone coverage is spotty, then they have to locate another area to talk, usually a stairwell or some other public location. They share their room with 1 or 2 other people. So even if they are willing to talk, they don't want to because they could be overheard. Doolies are basically fish in a bowl, constantly on display and being examined and/or corrected.

There are 2 popular phrases at the academy: "embrace the suck" and "the struggle is real." Doolie year is challenging on more than just the academic level. Each cadet has his or her own coping mechanisms. For some, it is calling up Mom & Dad for a venting dump, and for others, it is retreating into the back of a cave. You aren't alone in all of this. As a parent it is frustrating and worrisome. Some of the changes we perceive maybe be positive and others negative.

Personally, I did not see the doolie year as this great "transformation." What I saw was my son's discovery, alteration and/or development of various personal limits and coping mechanisms. It seems to me his point of view on various things altered as well.

I hope you are able to establish better communication with your son. I know how important it was to know that my son was coping and working through whatever difficulties he was facing, and that he hadn't given up, but was still figuring things out.

 

[Maplerock]

I am not disagreeing with you but I do want to mention that every family, and the relationships within the family, are different. What works with one kid doesn't at all with the other.

For some cadets they appreciate the help with scheduling flights and shuttle rides. I don't think there is a "one-size fits all" approach for this and other topics, such as frequency of phone calls, number of letters or goody boxes.

I don't think it is really about being a "helicopter parent" at this point. Rather it is about renegotiating our relationships with our now adult children and finding ways for them to feel supported and remain a part of their loving families.

Just my thoughts after doing this for a couple of years.

I disagree about writing him every day. Let this young man grow up. He probably is not as needy as his parents. That is not meant to be disrespectful, just my experience.

We want to be reassured all the time. Are they eating right? Are they getting enough sleep? Are the upperclassmen treating him right? We love our kids, but this is the time that they learn to find their own way.

I suggest writing an occasional email. Let him work out his own rides to the airport for visits home. Let him initiate phone calls unless you have something urgent. Let him get his own detergent and buy his own socks. Remember, these kids were picked because they have the right stuff.

A long-time educator, over the years I have seen some helicopter parents that you just wouldn't believe.

You're son is realizing that he is in charge of his own destiny, as it should be.

Agreed, all kids are different. I just can't imagine mommy finding Jimmy's rides to the airport from school will do much to help him grow up.

Good grief, soon they will be tasked with incredibly complex and important tasks, all on their own.

 

[MombaBomba]

I am not disagreeing with you but I do want to mention that every family, and the relationships within the family, are different. What works with one kid doesn't at all with the other.

For some cadets they appreciate the help with scheduling flights and shuttle rides. I don't think there is a "one-size fits all" approach for this and other topics, such as frequency of phone calls, number of letters or goody boxes.

I don't think it is really about being a "helicopter parent" at this point. Rather it is about renegotiating our relationships with our now adult children and finding ways for them to feel supported and remain a part of their loving families.

Just my thoughts after doing this for a couple of years.

I disagree about writing him every day. Let this young man grow up. He probably is not as needy as his parents. That is not meant to be disrespectful, just my experience.

We want to be reassured all the time. Are they eating right? Are they getting enough sleep? Are the upperclassmen treating him right? We love our kids, but this is the time that they learn to find their own way.

I suggest writing an occasional email. Let him work out his own rides to the airport for visits home. Let him initiate phone calls unless you have something urgent. Let him get his own detergent and buy his own socks. Remember, these kids were picked because they have the right stuff.

A long-time educator, over the years I have seen some helicopter parents that you just wouldn't believe.

You're son is realizing that he is in charge of his own destiny, as it should be.

Agreed, all kids are different. I just can't imagine mommy finding Jimmy's rides to the airport from school will do much to help him grow up.

Good grief, soon they will be tasked with incredibly complex and important tasks, all on their own.

Good grief, so does that make me a helicopter wife when my husband asks me to make travel arrangements for him to go out and see our son as he is buried in work at the time? Perhaps I should verify he is still an adult man, and hasn't been reduced to the adolescent stage of life with all the help and support I have given him throughout the years. He has also provided me support and help throughout the years, so perhaps I need to take an adult test as well.

Making travel arrangements for someone is not akin to preventing them from growing up and becoming an adult.

All I know is I better get my teen body back if my maturity has degenerated to that of a teenager due to the help my husband has provided me during throughout years.

(edited for quoting problems)

 

[jwest182]

As has been stated earlier, the squadron they are in has a HUGE impact on how much, if any, free time they have. On top of this, many people are getting a little shell-shocked with academics, and right now is GR season, so many Cadets are extremely busy.

 

[Maplerock]

I am not disagreeing with you but I do want to mention that every family, and the relationships within the family, are different. What works with one kid doesn't at all with the other.

For some cadets they appreciate the help with scheduling flights and shuttle rides. I don't think there is a "one-size fits all" approach for this and other topics, such as frequency of phone calls, number of letters or goody boxes.

I don't think it is really about being a "helicopter parent" at this point. Rather it is about renegotiating our relationships with our now adult children and finding ways for them to feel supported and remain a part of their loving families.

Just my thoughts after doing this for a couple of years.

I disagree about writing him every day. Let this young man grow up. He probably is not as needy as his parents. That is not meant to be disrespectful, just my experience.

We want to be reassured all the time. Are they eating right? Are they getting enough sleep? Are the upperclassmen treating him right? We love our kids, but this is the time that they learn to find their own way.

I suggest writing an occasional email. Let him work out his own rides to the airport for visits home. Let him initiate phone calls unless you have something urgent. Let him get his own detergent and buy his own socks. Remember, these kids were picked because they have the right stuff.

A long-time educator, over the years I have seen some helicopter parents that you just wouldn't believe.

You're son is realizing that he is in charge of his own destiny, as it should be.

Agreed, all kids are different. I just can't imagine mommy finding Jimmy's rides to the airport from school will do much to help him grow up.
Me thinks thou doth protest too much.
Good grief, soon they will be tasked with incredibly complex and important tasks, all on their own.

Good grief, so does that make me a helicopter wife when my husband asks me to make travel arrangements for him to go out and see our son as he is buried in work at the time? Perhaps I should verify he is still an adult man, and hasn't been reduced to the adolescent stage of life with all the help and support I have given him throughout the years. He has also provided me support and help throughout the years, so perhaps I need to take an adult test as well.

Making travel arrangements for someone is not akin to preventing them from growing up and becoming an adult.

All I know is I better get my teen body back if my maturity has degenerated to that of a teenager due to the help my husband has provided me during throughout years.

(edited for quoting problems)

 

[2018mom]

OP - I had the same concerns about my older son. He was in the Corps at a SMC and told me his freshman year he felt like jumping in front of a bus while his unit was out running. Of course that triggered all kind of panic instincts in me and and my husband and we had some serious talks with him and were concerned that something darker was going on. We determined that he did not intend any harm to himself, but he had just never felt so isolated. He was used to being very social and having a lot more control over his time and who he had to be with. Suddenly he was told who he had to live with, who he could and could not talk to, when he had to study, when he had to work out, when he had to sleep, when he had to wake up, etc. Although I think he knew what he was getting into when he signed up, it was a lot more than he bargained for and it hurt me so much to see that wonderful spark my son always had just be extinguished. He was not my sunny, happy young man who I sent off to college and I was really worried about him.

The good news, is that he came back. He has grown A LOT. His humor has come back and his perspective is so spot on. When his younger brother left for USAFA, he told him to "drink the Koolaid" and that "you will have times when it absolutely sucks, but you will make it thru it." My younger DS has done just that and I have never had the concerns about his adjustment that I had for my older one.

I think it is great that your son has found a club to join. Any activity that he enjoys will be one bright spot. You may still get the "I hate this place" phone calls or it may be hard for him to go back after Thanksgiving or Christmas, but he can and will make it thru. And remember, even if he used to tell you everything, you may not get the phone calls when good things happen and you may not hear about the times when he and his buddies had a huge laugh over something, we just get the calls when they need to unburden their frustrations. I went to lunch earlier thinking of your son and remembering my son going thru the same thing and I was so happy and surprised to get a phone call from him telling me he was excited about something going on. He is 22 now and graduated from college and the spark is back!

 

[jebdad]

Wow. What a bunch of great responses. Going through the same experience with letting go of our oldest at USMA. I have never done this so I don't know what to expect.

It is so great to hear from others who have already walked this path. Its great just to be reassured. Nobody wants to be accused of being needy or a helicopter parent. I think we just need to hear that others have been there - done that and it will be OK. After all, you spend 18 years with these kids. They are great kids and you get kinda attached to them.

To the OP, thanks for feeling comfortable posting this and to others, thanks for the insightful responses.

 

[Kanye's Dad's Sock Puppet]

Wow. What a bunch of great responses. Going through the same experience with letting go of our oldest at USMA. I have never done this so I don't know what to expect.

It is so great to hear from others who have already walked this path. Its great just to be reassured. Nobody wants to be accused of being needy or a helicopter parent. I think we just need to hear that others have been there - done that and it will be OK. After all, you spend 18 years with these kids. They are great kids and you get kinda attached to them.

To the OP, thanks for feeling comfortable posting this and to others, thanks for the insightful responses.

Just one suggestion. "Don't let anyone other than you and your child decide or influence how/when/what you communicate about." There are lots of great and helpful hints you can find on this forum but its also populated by more than a few that seem to enjoy calling folks helicopter parents and tearing them up over it. Conduct unbecoming in my opinion but that and a dime will get you nowhere. Just remember they don't know you and they don't know your kid or your family dynamic or culture. Ignore the internet bullies.

That advice above was given to me by someone who came through one of the academies and now has a star on their shoulder, instead of a chip.