Former Stanford dean explains how helicopter parenting is ruining a generation of children

[FalconsRock]

Same goes with applications, homework, chores, or any task and/or interaction. "Has the child attempted to resolve the issue themselves?" "Has the child done their BEST to take care of it?"

The next dilemma that I struggle with - what do I do once I determine my kids are not capable of doing something? What do I do if I determine that my kids have potential to do something but they are not applying themselves? Do I give up or do I keep on "helping?"

For example, one of my kids have a potential to do play a HS varsity sports (my kid's high school is very competitive). When I say potential, it's not just me rather her coaches and other parents that have experience.

LG as far as kids not being capable, I think we can assist in teaching them or finding someone who can teach them to do what it is that may be beyond them. I think it is better to attempt to do something and fail, then to not try at all. And, it all depends on what it is and even if they have an interest. Now, you would not have them attempt to go way beyond their expertise, such as brain surgery, but if they have an interest and just not the skills, perhaps doing some research on what it is they want to do; with an emphasis on what "they" want to do and finding ways for them to observe someone in the action of performing the task can be quite beneficial.

As far as playing a sport that your DD happens to be very good at, I would not push her to play if she does not want to play. However, I would not just let her sit around and do nothing either. I would steer her towards her own interests and encourage her to pursue those, especially if she is good at them. Following her passions will do far more good for her self confidence and ability to succeed than forcing her to play a sport she is not interested in, no matter how good she is at it. You also have to be careful and try hard not to be disappointed IN HER because she doesn't listen to the "experts" and play the sport and support her in her own passions while all the while steering her in the direction that a wise parent knows best. That's my two cents worth and that won't even buy you a piece of bubble gum!

 

[MemberLG]

As far as playing a sport that your DD happens to be very good at, I would not push her to play if she does not want to play. However, I would not just let her sit around and do nothing either. I would steer her towards her own interests and encourage her to pursue those, especially if she is good at them. Following her passions will do far more good for her self confidence and ability to succeed than forcing her to play a sport she is not interested in, no matter how good she is at it. You also have to be careful and try hard not to be disappointed IN HER because she doesn't listen to the "experts" and play the sport and support her in her own passions while all the while steering her in the direction that a wise parent knows best. That's my two cents worth and that won't even buy you a piece of bubble gum!

Your reply highlights challenges some parents have, making the distiniction - to a parent it could be "steer[ing]," whereas to an observer it could be "overbearing."

 

[MombaBomba]

The next dilemma that I struggle with - what do I do once I determine my kids are not capable of doing something? What do I do if I determine that my kids have potential to do something but they are not applying themselves? Do I give up or do I keep on "helping?"

For example, one of my kids have a potential to do play a HS varsity sports (my kid's high school is very competitive). When I say potential, it's not just me rather kid's rec/club coaches and other parents that have experience.

I have had a similar questions/issues come up with both of my kids over the years. My first question was always "why?" After their explanation, I would explain why they should try or continue. I also told them they had to choose to be involved in something else if they decided to give it up. There were times they continued because there wasn't anything else they were really interested in. Some of the times they were glad they continued, and other times they weren't.

There are a number of things that I and others saw the potential for, but my kids choose not to pursue. As long as their reasoning was good and they were pursuing something else, I was good. If they don't have the passions for something, no matter what the potential, they are not going to be great at it.

 

[Christcorp]

I don't think it's that difficult. I think most parents deep down inside, know the difference between helping a child WITH something, a doing something FOR THEM.

And it's not usually things that require skills that the "Helo" parent is having issues with. It's the obvious things that for some reason, that parent FEELS they need to be involved. E.g. confronting issues at school. Doing homework. Doing college applications. Not making the kid CLEAN their own room. Not making a kid "EARN THEIR KEEP". This doesn't mean they have to get a job and pay, but they should have chores and such to contribute towards. If they don't, there are consequences. Basically, the problem is the little Johnny or Jannie who doesn't have to do ANYTHING for themselves. Mommy and/or daddy take care of everything. Cooking, Cleaning, Laundry, nice car to drive, cell phone, applications, confrontations, and the list goes on. These are the kids that parents do FOR THEM, instead of WITH THEM. These are the kids who NEED mommy and/or daddy after they graduate.

We're not talking about kids doing sports or clubs and leading/directing/pushing them in a direction. We're talking about kids who will be hindered because of a lack of social and life skills that are needed in the "Real World".

 

[MombaBomba]

I don't think it's that difficult. I think most parents deep down inside, know the difference between helping a child WITH something, a doing something FOR THEM.

And it's not usually things that require skills that the "Helo" parent is having issues with. It's the obvious things that for some reason, that parent FEELS they need to be involved. E.g. confronting issues at school. Doing homework. Doing college applications. Not making the kid CLEAN their own room. Not making a kid "EARN THEIR KEEP". This doesn't mean they have to get a job and pay, but they should have chores and such to contribute towards. If they don't, there are consequences. Basically, the problem is the little Johnny or Jannie who doesn't have to do ANYTHING for themselves. Mommy and/or daddy take care of everything. Cooking, Cleaning, Laundry, nice car to drive, cell phone, applications, confrontations, and the list goes on. These are the kids that parents do FOR THEM, instead of WITH THEM. These are the kids who NEED mommy and/or daddy after they graduate.

We're not talking about kids doing sports or clubs and leading/directing/pushing them in a direction. We're talking about kids who will be hindered because of a lack of social and life skills that are needed in the "Real World".

One of the running "complaints" I heard from my kids as they were going through school was "so and so doesn't have to do that" and "so and so's parents let him have x, y, x." My response was always "well, I am not so and so's parent." I think helicoptering is fanning the flames of entitlement.

 

[parentalunit2]

A timely example pertinent to this thread that took place in my home just this week. Middle schooler son gets home from homework club where he had to make up a test that he missed. Says to me, “Mom, some parents call up the teacher and have the teacher make their kid stay for homework club. Can you believe that?” I said, “Son, when those kids are 28 years old they’ll still be living in their parent’s house. Whereas you will be out on your own………and can have girls over.” He just smiles.

 

[Capt MJ]

As a long-time USNA sponsor, we have a front-row seat as products of various parenting styles pass through our home. It's pretty clear who was waited on by parents and who was taught to be self-sufficient. By and large, these are nice young men and women, who respond well to being treated as young adults who are expected to use common courtesy in our home. We brief them on how they are expected to help, especially when there are overnight stays and lots of mids at the house, simple things such as gathering their used sheets and towels, moving laundry along when others are waiting, not leaving dirty dishes around or just one broken chip in the opened bag in the pantry. Some are excellent cooks and advanced in basic home-keeping, yet they had all the academic load, varsity sport and HS activities as others, but different expectations at home. One of the most capable was a young woman, home-schooled on a working CO ranch, who understood chores were part of the family work, and who handled USNA schoolwork, sports, extra-curriculars, with ease - who also wowed her sponsor siblings with her ability to turn out eggs to order on Sunday mornings for a crowd. I still miss her....And the '07 guy who was a master baker, known for memorized recipes for killer brownies and cookies.
Candid and respectful conversation was usually all that was needed to peel some of the me-first entitlement layer off a basically sensible and responsive "kid."

Some memorable moments:
- The plebe who arrived with a bag of laundry, came right to me with it, and said he wanted his uniforms done first, and here were the directions for ironing in military creases. Taking one look at my face, DH swiftly intervened, took plebe off to laundry room for the Real Men Can Do Laundry Lesson 101.
- Wondered why we had fruit flies everywhere downstairs. Apple cores shoved under the bed with dirty plate and glass.
- Had to replace washer drum when mid washed belts with buckles, scraped interior drum, and non-repairable running rust started staining clothes.
- Gave permission to a mid to hang extra uniforms for a few weeks during summer in one of two designated mid bedroom closets downstairs, clearly pointed out. She removed our clothes from the cedar closet downstairs, and put her clothes in there, saying she was used to her cedar closet at home. She left our clothes on a bed. A few more incidents like that, with no signs of recovery from complete self-absorption, and we gently let her go.
- Mid who asked us to lie for him and say we would have him at our house during recovery from surgery, per his request chit to stay off-Yard, so he could be with GF in hotel. He said his parents approved and had his mom call us to ask us to cover for their son, as they were paying for GF hotel and airfare. We said ... no. We didn't see him again.
- The plebe whose mom left dad two states away to take an apartment in Annapolis, which we discovered when they dropped by during PPW. Mom said it was nice we offered to sponsor, but as this was her last baby out of the nest, she felt better (key phrase!) where she could come get him every Saturday. She also showed me she had the company officer, company senior enlisted and battalion chaplain mobile numbers on her phone, so she could have him regularly checked on during the week, because of his "many issues." He lasted two academic weeks. Horrifyingly sad.

Lots more like these, but far outnumbered by the "good mid" stories. Some start out a bit All-Me and expect us to drop everything and cater to them, but what is truly amazing to us is how the upper class in the house quickly intercede to educate and coach them.

As we often say on here, you taught them to fly. Now, let them soar, or take a fall, recover, and learn.

And, interesting article! Guaranteed to start conversations.

 

[parentalunit2]

Capt MJ – I’m busy picking my jaw up off the floor from reading your last post. You’ve had some doozies! We sponsored WP cadets back in the day, and I don’t have any stories that could even compete with those. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Capt MJ]

Capt MJ – I’m busy picking my jaw up off the floor from reading your last post. You’ve had some doozies! We sponsored WP cadets back in the day, and I don’t have any stories that could even compete with those. Thanks for sharing!

The jaw-droppers, thank goodness, were only a few amongst the hundreds of great ones. Multiply (4-5 mids) x each year since 1996 (2015-1996) for scaling.

 

[FalconsRock]

CaptMJ - oh my! If my kids ever did that I would have to hide in shame. Unbelievable. I have to admit, I have never had any kids like that at my house as all of my kid's friends are very much like they are, and my kids are especially conscientious around their friend's parents. My DS once had a friend over that was a little lazy in cleaning up after himself and my DS quickly educated him and explained how things go at our house and problem was solved. I think a short tour in the military would do every high school kid a great deal of good in squelching problems like that

 

[parentalunit2]

The jaw-droppers, thank goodness, were only a few amongst the hundreds of great ones. Multiply (4-5 mids) x each year since 1996 (2015-1996) for scaling.

Oh, certainly understood. Yes, on the whole, a fantastic bunch of individuals to have around the house. And I wasn’t implying that cadets are better behaved than mids – I think if anything my take-away from this is that helo parenting is in fact a more recent phenomenon!

 

[Capt MJ]

You bet!

 

[Christcorp]

Do you want to know the sad part?

............

Do you?

..............

For every 4-5 "Jaw Droppers" to Capt MJ's post............ There will be at least one person reading this, parent or applicant, who will read one of those examples and say...... "That doesn't sound so bad".

And the really sad part is, they won't think they are Helo Parents, or at least permissive parents, who let their kids grow up with those expectations.

 

[majstlo]

there is clearly a line between being an involved parent and being an overbearing helicopter parent. When you have parents attending job interviews with their children or treating them like they are 8 years old and trying to do everything for them its a problem. I definitely feel attending an SMC made me much more self reliant and the FSAs certainly do a much better job of it than civilian colleges. Poor parents make helpless kids so at some point you have to let them sink or swim.

 

[MN-Dad-2016]

There will be at least one person reading this, parent or applicant, who will read one of those examples and say...... "That doesn't sound so bad".

And the really sad part is, they won't think they are Helo Parents, or at least permissive parents, who let their kids grow up with those expectations.

Some of those on the list had nothing to do with helo parents. My wife at age 21 froze the entire 10 pound package hamburger before separating (she thought you could freeze and refreeze). She didn't drain the grease on another meal. She put Dawn for Dishes in the dishwasher (haven't we all done that ONCE). I cook now. She grew up in a poor family and the polar opposite of a helo parent. When I dated her, I walked over piles of clothes in the pathway. Luckily, she figured it all out by babysitting and seeing "normal" family structures; her other family members are not in good places now. In my case it was the same situation but to a lesser degree. So the belt buckle story and not cleaning up after yourself is parents not teaching manners and how to wash clothes (lacking common sense mixed in as well). I propose a true-blue helo parent would have also micromanaged manners.

A lot of words to say that I don't see helo parenting as the common thread amongst many of those interesting stories. We have had exchange students. The 1st few weeks is the honeymoon era where you feel like "guests". After that, complacency sets in and peoples messy autopilot takes over.

 

[BlahuKahuna]

To be fair, the academies don't exactly do a great job of teaching cadets/mids how to do their own laundry during their first year...so if you don't show up with that skill, having a laundry service for 1-4 years won't help you too much.

 

[FalconsRock]

To be fair, the academies don't exactly do a great job of teaching cadets/mids how to do their own laundry during their first year...so if you don't show up with that skill, having a laundry service for 1-4 years won't help you too much.

That comment made me laugh. That is so true. However, my purpose in teaching my kids to do their own laundry had nothing to do with the "how", but more to do with "I am not your maid and you are old enough to do your own" not to mention that they can't have a free ride all their lives and have to earn their own keep. On that same note, they very quickly learned to never tell me they were "bored" for fear of getting blisters after sweeping the porch, driveway or back patio.

 

[Christcorp]

The academies shouldn't be teaching you how to do your laundry. They shouldn't be teaching you how to cook, pay your bills, etc.

And MN-Dad; you are correct that some of those examples don't necessarily describe a "HELO-PARENT". A Helo parent by definition basically is too involved in their child's decisions. They get too involved in the process. They are too involved when the child isn't living at home any longer. They basically WANT to remain in control of their child. (Not for bad reasons, but control non the less). Whether it's applications, problems at school, wanting the academy to answer questions for them directly about their cadet, etc... etc.... etc... They need and want to be in control.

But it's just as bad if a parent does everything for their child, without teaching the child to do for themselves. And, the child grows up with those expectations that someone else is going to take care of them and all their needs/problems. "Basically, SPOILING THEM".

Whether you're a Helo-Parent that WON'T LET your child grow up and make their own decisions and do things for themselves; OR, you're a parent who does everything for their children and doesn't teach and prepare their children to become self sufficient and independent; BOTH are bad. As I've said, and will continue to say.......

"If your kids WANT your involvement after graduating, that's good. If your kids NEED your involvement, that's NOT good."

This is not negotiable or debatable. Whether it's because a parent is a helo or simply spoiled their kids, both are bad. The HARSH REALITY IS: If a child leaves the nest, and they can't be self sufficient or be resourceful enough to get something accomplished, without a parent's help, then the parent didn't do their job right raising them. That's not to say the child may not "ASK" a parent's advice or opinion on something. But if a parent has to travel across state/states to help the child, or the child HAS TO LIVE at home past their high school years because they CAN'T MAKE IT ON THEIR OWN...... Then that's a problem. No matter how it happened.