How does it look so far? critique please

Discussion in 'Air Force Academy - USAFA' started by JT20, Dec 2, 2011.

  1. JT20

    JT20 Member

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    This a part of the USAFA SS application. The rules are 5 bullets maximum per category and no more than one line each. This is what I have so far. It would be greatly apprectiated if you can look at it and critique it before I submit anything.



    1) Academic Achievements
    - 4.0 GPA
    - CHSAA Academic All State First Team: 2011-2012
    - Academic Letter: 2010-2011
    - MCHS Scholar-Athlete: 2010-2011
    - Science Achievement Certificate-Chemistry: 2010-2011


    2) Athletic Achievements
    -Football: 9,10,11 Lettered: 10,11
    -Wrestling: 9 Lettered: 9
    -Colorado 4A Wrestling Regional Qualifier
    -Cougar Duels Champion 112 lbs: 2009
    -Wyoming Football Camp JV Champions: 2009-2010



    3) Civic Involvements
    -Key Club member: 10,11 Volunteered in the community
    -El Pomar: 10,11 Developed interviewing skills with business leaders
    -Young Life member (community religous based group): 9,10,11
    -SHARE Program volunteer: 2009
    -Horizon's for the Handicap volunteer: 2010 and 2011


    4) Work/Job Experience
    -Action Drain Services, Inc.: 2009, 2010, and 2011 Summers
    -Worked about 20 hours per week part time
    -maintained shop (lawn mow, weed wack, clean, etc.)
    -Worked friends farm two weeks in the summers of 2009, 2010 and 2011
    -mow lawns and shovel drive ways when time is available


    5) Leadership Positions
    -Building Tommorows Mentors-Lead by example through faith: 2011-2012
    -Weight lifting group leader(5 people)5 nights per week 10 hours/week
    -Big Blue Football Camp coach 9,10,11 coached local youth
    -Football Captain selected by head coach-push teammates to the limit
    -Wyld Life leader: 2011 help run local youth group for middle schoolers



    6) Other Noteworthy Achievements(s)/Experience (e.g., speak fluent Chinese, lived overseas, Private Pilots License, parent(s), relative serviced in military, have sibling at another at AFA or other Academy, etc.)
    -grandfather, father, uncles, and aunts served all branches of military
    -4th ranked kick returner Colorado Football 3A Division 2011-2012
    -Member of Faith Lutheran Church-Confirmed in 2009
    -dual-credit enrollement with Colorado Northwestern Community College
    -elected into the Gifted Education Program: 2007 to present
     
  2. Christcorp

    Christcorp Member

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    I never give answers like "These are your chances"? Not that you were asking that. Just in case others were comparing to you.

    My advise: If you have the space, on your bullet states, think about WHO your audience is. Explain/define if possible.

    I.e. Are you SURE those reading this application KNOW what "Cougar Duels Champion" is? Do they know the acronyms for CHSAA or MCHS. They AREN'T going to spend the time looking it up. Do THEY know what the "Key Club" or "El Pomar" is? # 1 rule of effective communications; "Know your audience".

    For what it's worth; you ought to hear many of the new cadets and parents when they go home for christmas their first year. Parent's jaws drop when they start talking about having to wear ABU', and that the GR's almost killed them. That they look forward some day to getting their AFSC; going PCS; the occasional TDY, etc... I think you get the point. So... suggestion.... Explain/Define your accomplishments better if you can. Best of luck. Mike...
     
  3. JT20

    JT20 Member

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    Okay, thank you so much! My only issue is that there isn't enough room to be that clear. On here it looks like the lines can bee extended, but on the official application you can only type about as much as I had done so.
     
  4. usafahopeful1

    usafahopeful1 Prospective Cadet 2017

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    I was able to keep writing on the application, a few of mine took more than one line.
     
  5. JT20

    JT20 Member

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    Yes, I figured that out thankfully.
     
  6. tiger50

    tiger50 Member

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    The problem with this application is that so many people do not understand to post their GPA unweighted. Is a 4.0 your unweighted GPA? All A's Freshman and Sophomore year?
     
  7. Christcorp

    Christcorp Member

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    Suggestion to all:

    This is the military. The military is all about rules, attention to detail, discipline, etc...

    If the instructions say: 5 bullet statements max, 1 LINE EACH, then that means 1 LINE EACH. I'm not looking at your applications online, so a response isn't required. Just saying, that just because you CAN type further, doesn't mean you should. Follow the instructions TO A "T". Same when the essays for the actual application come to do. If it says "X" amount of words MAX, and "Y" amount of characters MAX; don't come on and ask "What if I have LESS than the MAX Character, but there are MORE WORDS. I, and others, will tell you the exact same thing. FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS TO THE "T".
     
  8. usafahopeful1

    usafahopeful1 Prospective Cadet 2017

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    Sorry, I had to make a response, thank you for bringing that to my attention, I often assume what I CAN do is ALLOWED when filling something out online, whereas that is often not the case! In this instance, the application states that bullets MAY be more than one line. :)
     
  9. JT20

    JT20 Member

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    Thank you, I looked more closely to the directions and caught some things I looked over the first time. I started over and made it more concise, had my aunt look over it, and on Monday I'm taking it by the BLM to have some people check it again. So good thing I didn't think about submitting anything I had. I will post my new application on Monday when it is complete.
     

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