How is my nomination essay?

Discussion in 'Nominations' started by Smurph, Sep 4, 2012.

  1. Smurph

    Smurph New Member

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    Hi everyone I was just wondering if I am on the right track with this essay. I only have 200 words to answer why I am seeking a nomination, why I feel I am qualified and why I am seeking to be commisioned. This is just a rough draft for now ant I have to cut out 27 words but just wanted to see what people thought so far.

    I was eight when I first visited the Naval Academy and it mesmerizes me as much today as it did on that first tour. I've always been a history buff, so learning of the history of the Academy, and seeing the discipline and unity of the Midshipmen during noon formation has resonated with me since that day. As I've grown older I have shed my old shy shell and have really grown as a person. I went from avoiding attention, silently sitting the background to putting myself front and center, determined to lead. Three years ago, I could never see myself coordinating a Pan Mass Challenge Kids Ride. The stress of having to organize everything, coordinate with so many different people and being timely with all my assignments would have been overwhelming. But now I thrive in the challenge, I am determined to rise to the occasion and bring my peers with me. It has always been my dream to serve in our nation's armed forces and give back to the country that has allowed me and my family such freedom and opportunity. I feel I could really contribute to our country’s great military tradition with my new found leadership and the Naval Academy is the only place that would allow me to do that. I don’t want to accept anything less.
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2012
  2. Smurph

    Smurph New Member

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    Don't think anyone cares but I don't know how to delete this thread so I figured I would just post what I think is my final essay. Also, eight became 12 because I realized that at 8 I just walked around the Academy, at 12 I got a tour and everything.

    Some people are just born leaders. I am not one of those people. Growing up I was very shy; anytime that I was the center of attention I would glow red and try to disappear into the background. While this change was gradual, I can pinpoint the exact moment that I decided to shed that shyness once and for all.
    I was twelve years old when I first visited the Naval Academy. As soon as I stepped out of the car I was mesmerized. Everything from the Academy’s rich history, to the discipline and unity of the Midshipmen resonated with me. I realized then that this country has given me unlimited opportunities and I need to make the most of them.
    Since that day I have gone from being afraid to make a PowerPoint presentation to coordinating a Pan Mass Challenge Kids Ride by myself. It has always been my dream to serve in our nation's armed forces and I feel I could contribute to our country’s great military tradition with my new found leadership. One trip to the Naval Academy changed my life; I can’t imagine what four years would do. I don’t want to accept anything less.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2012
  3. EDelahanty

    EDelahanty Member

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    Better. Good writing takes effort. Sent you a PM.






    *****************************************************

    The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug: Mark Twain
     
  4. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    Smurph,

    Take this with a grain of salt and than throw my opinion in the circular filing cabinet.

    I counted 17 I's or basically 10% of your word count. That doesn't count the me's, my and myself. It feels a little redundant. In many of your sentences you use I 2 or 3 times.

    Finally, are you positive you want to start your essay with...Some people are just born leaders. I am not one of those people.

    To me that made me pull my head and neck back in shock. You want to go to a school where it is about leadership, but admit this is your weakness. Reading it would make me question if this is a good fit for you personally. You might want to change it to I BELIEVED I WAS not one of those people. AM is present tense, was is past tense.

    I understand later on you tried to illustrate how you changed, but I don't think (IMPO) you sold it for me. A power point presentation, every kid does that in hs (No offense). Coordinating, but how? What exactly was your leadership position. Was it coordinating water stations, or was it coordinating the ride itself? That is where you are missing the impact WOW factor.

    I hope you see that every word counts. For me, I was left with questioning exactly what leadership do you have for me to overcome the fear that you stated in your opening statement.

    Again, throw my opinion in the garbage can. It is just an opinion. Good luck!
     
  5. Smurph

    Smurph New Member

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    Thanks Pima your opinion is appreciated :biggrin: Now that you point that out there is a lot of repetitive "I" that I never noticed before, and I was nervous about that first line as well and wasn't sure if it would have the desired effect. Also, in my essay to my other Senator I am allowed more words and I was able to detail my responsibilities in coordinating the ride. Thanks a lot for your input!
     
  6. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    Smurph,

    I wish you the best, but would point out you did it again.
    I think you do it without even realizing it. It is common. We all do it.

    The same statement could have been:

    In my essay to the other Senator, I was allowed more words. The detail of my responsibilities regarding the coordination of the ride was more specific in this case.

    I had 3 I/my compared to your 5.
     
  7. dunninla

    dunninla Member

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    The heart of any written piece isn't the structure, grammar, style, or spelling... it is the key idea.

    Your key idea is that you were unsuited to and undesirous of leadership (pathetic is the word I would choose if I were uninformed or cynical), and now you are. Demonstrated Leadership Effectiveness is the key character component of any applicant. The question is... is your MOC uncaring or cynical, and is there any chance they will view you as possibly still pathetic?

    I don't know... the key idea thay you weren't suited to leadership, but now miraculously you are, isn't really a powerful reason for the MOC to put his/her reputation on the line to nominate you. It leaves too many what ifs... what if this candidate reverts to his "natural" state of not handling stress well? what if this candidate has shown leadership is a medium stress activity (the coordination of a charity ride), but would fall apart in a high stress activity?

    I think your essay gives more reasons for the MOC to say "too risky" than for him/her to say "I know this candidate will go far, and I will put them forward ahead of many other worthy applicants".
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2012
  8. LFry94

    LFry94 USAFA C1C '17

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    Very well put.
     

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