Jaw Dropper

I was thinking the same thing, but wondering how these poor kids of parents like that are going to fare. Will they just be completely unable to function without mom telling them what to do every second? Or will they be so incredibly relieved to be away from mom that they'll end up doing great at the academy just to make sure there's no chance of having to end up at home again?! :thumb:
 
It's going to be a rude awakening call for some of the parents who think they're still in control.

Things change; time to let us baby falcons leave the nest:thumb:

Some of the best insight there is. Unfortunately, there are many parents who believe that they indeed are still in control. This is not "normal" college. Your "Kids" aren't coming home on the weekends. You can't just go and visit them when you want. If your kid gets sick, has bad grades, gets into trouble, or anything else; you, the parent, are NOT going to be notified of anything unless your child calls you and tells you about it. Or unless they have specifically put it in writing to contact you. The minute you son/daughter gets on the bus at the academy, they are 100% adults and 100% in control and responsible for their own lives. You have no say so any longer. It's no different than if your 17-18 year old graduated high school and joined the air force as enlisted. It's no different than if you high school graduate decided to move out of the house on their own.

This is not meant to hurt any parent's feelings or to be mean. It's meant to bring in reality. A normal college student/parent relationship has approximately 4-5 years to gradually let the child mature and become independent. The parent is probably paying for college; or part of it. The parent is assisting with many of the decisions. The student probably looks to the parent for such assistance and support. When your son/daughter goes to the air force academy, the student/parent relationship is approximately 45 MINUTES. The amount of time it takes to say goodbye at the airport or watching them go through the AOG building processing, watching them cross the bridge, and get on the bus. After that, ALL you can do is be there if THEY want to talk to you about things. When they come home on vacations, you can be there if they need opinions and advice. But EVERYTHING that involves you, the parent, from the moment your son/daughter gets on the bus, is 100% at the PERMISSION of your son/daughter. You no longer have any legal say so. Sorry, it's the truth.

Fortunately, most parents on this forum have already figured that out through being involved with the many posts. But unfortunately, there's too many other parents that think this is just like any other college. I am so thankful that during orientation, the appointees are allowed to GET AWAY from their parents and spend time with cadets. Best of luck to ALL you appointees. This is YOUR DREAM!!!! Live it. But remember, YOU are the one responsible now. With all the stern words I just said to parents, you too must realize that your parents will not be there for you. You decide when to do homework. You decide how well your grades will be. You will be the one on probation if you mess up. So definitely be excited about your new life. You should be very proud of yourself. But realize that you don't get 4-5 years to "grow up". You get from NOW until June 25th. On that day, you will be "EXPECTED" to be responsible for your own actions, decisions, and choices. Kick A$$ 2014.
 
The one thing I would say is many parents are helicopter parents, and will be that way for your entire career. This may also be the child's fault as much as the parents. Bullet's mother early on in his career thought she could voice her opinion on what assignment he should take next or what he should do next career-wise. (I was the type of wife that said your job, just tell me when we ware moving and to where). Bullet adores his folks and knew their personalities, thus he felt it was easier to keep them constantly in the loop...until they actually thought they had a voice in his career decisions.

He also created that beast. Yes, it is great to keep them informed, but you need to be the one to set the boundaries. You need to determine how much or how little to discuss.

For example, I never would tell my Mom when Bullet was up for promotion until he got selected. I never discussed PCS's until we had orders. I never told her about deployments until a few days out. Bullet took the 180 degree opposite for about 10 yrs. He informed them, but 10 yrs later when he spoke to them weekly he got tired of repeating the exact same thing over and over again:
"No, Mom, the board hasn't met yet, I will call as soon as I find out" or "No, Mom, I have yet to get my orders, so I am not sure when we are moving".

He realized that because he put that news out there that he opened himself up for more questions that he had no answer to give. Trust me, going up for O4 is very stressful even with a DP, it is always on your mind, the last thing you want to do is have someone bring it up the minute it finally left your mind. The same is true for PCS (you could be moving and selling a home ---not fun). Also true for the short notice 120 +/- days TDY. You don't have answers either and they expect you too.

You need to actually become the adult and realize how much you should tell them and what you should filter out. You need to see them as a person and not just a parent. You know their personality, and you can be the one that spins them up like a top.

Helo parents will probably be like my in-laws, they will never see you as an adult, be it 20, 30, 40 or 50, you will always be their child to protect from the big bad world. Then there are others like Bullet and I, who state this is your life, and you need to learn now how to master the inner workings of the military. The SA's and ROTC are great learning grounds to do this without taking a true career hit. Nobody expects you to be Colin Powell or David Petraeous. They expect you to be a cadet that will make mistakes.

My advice: If you can tell the folks haven't cut the strings, find a pr of scissors and cut them yourself.

Don't read into this that I am saying lock them out. I am saying show maturity and create the boundaries. They will learn quick enough that it is out of love.

Advice to parents: Understand that they are very mature and respect their boundaries. Staying on top and demanding info or questioning them non-stop will make them resent you. You might need it for yourself, but in 5 yrs they can be in the badlands. They will not be able to communicate with you, the sooner you accept that you can't help/protect them the sooner you will have a new beautiful relationship where they openly come to you for advice or to keep you informed.
 
Jaw dropper indeed

We were there for the "sex" question and everyone around me were in shock, even the apppointees. The cadets on stage handled it as well as they could. My appointee along with the rest spent the night at the academy that evening and told me that the Sex question had traveled through the general cadet population and was added to the list of ------ questions asked list. The sargent in charge of beast was very entertaining and got his points across well without being explicit to the parents. The rest of the speakers gave tons of information to us. Most impressive. My son had many of his questions answered and is ready to go. In fact he seems already there and I do have to remind him that he does need to finish HS strong and enjoy the rest of his senior year. Don't rush it.
 
I have to say that while we certainly not "helicopter parents" - our son is one of six kids and very independent-I have actually found USAFA to be more willing to communicate with parents than "state U" The AOC in my son's squadron communicated by letter and e-mail with parents on multiple occasions. Surprisingly,we have had the opportunity to see my son more than we saw his older siblings all of whom attended traditional universities--they were in-state or less than 500 miles away, he on the other hand is over 1500 miles away. Even as a 4th year he has been able to make multiple visits home--for recruiting purposes, family events and of course official breaks. In addition, when he became very ill this semester, the physician at the cadet clinic, called me --- my son gave his consent and also let her know I was in the medical profession and would appreciate discussing his condition. She was kind, informative and encouraged me to call back if I had any questions once his lab work was back. She also gave him her phone number in case he needed to contact her directly.
While I agree that USAFA is indeed a unique environment, these kids are in no way isolated from family or friends. He had multiple weekend passes and had the opportunity to visit friends at other college campus and went skiing frequently. As it is inappropriate to interfere in the life and personal growth of young adult students at a traditional university; it is inappropriate at the academy. However, there are times when parents do need to connect with their cadets. In our experience USAFA does a good job of recognizing those moments.
 
MD; I'm not sure where you got the impression that your cadet would be "Isolated" from you or their family? Or, that you were not going to be a part of their lives. No one said anything like that. But as you correctly realized when your cadet was sick; it was THEIR PERMISSION that allowed you to speak with their doctor. Neither the academy nor you made that choice. And that is something that some parents have a hard time with. They believe that the parental responsibilities, and thus rights, that they had day/weeks/months/years prior to them attending the academy are still there. When in fact, what use to be "rights" are now privileges granted to them by their son/daughter. Responsibilities have been replaced with support when solicited by your son/daughter. Same goes with their grades. You will not find out about your son/daughter's grades unless they tell you. "Or you see the published GPA listing printed by the AOG and sometimes printed in newspapers".

Most definitely as parents, you will be part of your cadet's lives. They definitely will need you. This is much more of a shock for them than for you. Except for their absence, your life is pretty much the same. Same house, same job, same neighbors, same friends, etc... For them; everything is different. They definitely will need your support and probably advice. But as a cadet parent, you have to understand immediately, that everything is now your cadet's rights and responsibilities. Your role is strictly at the desire of your son/daughter.
 
Fun Orientation Questions

Loved hearing that 2nd orientation had even more crazy questions than 1st. Will love to hear from someone at the upcoming orientation to see what new crazy question will be asked! Marciemi had the same amazement as I did at the parent who was "uncomfortable with sponsor families". Being a parent myself I am delighted to know that my cadet will have a chance to find some respite from the Academy world at a loving home. I hope to get to know the sponsor family to add to my world of friends as well.
I also want to compliment all of you who want helicopter parents to let their ADULT children have a life of their own. As involved as we are with our cadet, part of our joy in his Appointment is that he will now have the most wonderful chance to become the best adult he can be without us breathing down his neck. Parents, remember, your Appointee/Cadet got here because you helped him/her become a mature individual. Allow your child to become the adult you want him/her to be - DON"T TRY TO KEEP HIM/HER A CHILD - that would be a waste of great potential! Show your pride in your son or daughter by letting them know you have FAITH in who they are and that they can make their own decisions!
Also, don't worry about your Cadet being less attached to family. USAFA and the Air Force is a family - and you can be a part of that if you want to - This forum has helped me realize that and the time at orientation just solidified that feeling. As parents, you know that your relationship with your own parents has evolved over the years and so will your relationship with your children. Revel in this new stage of life - and in the words of Bobby McFerrin - DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! Your Cadet will be all the better for it!
 
I strongly debated whether or not to jump in here, so against my better judgement, and relying on the good nature of most every poster, I will just throw my half cents worth in. Our appointee and his two parents attended the first orientation. I heard the question about sponsership (infact I was sitting quite close to the questioner); while I still don't understand what she was driving at I do not want to pile on. But at the risk of adding to this thread that seems to have gotten a bit off track from the initial intent, what I do recognize is that whether son goes to the Academy, or State U, or Private U, or just goes to work every day as I do that as an 18 year old he is an adult, and can include or not include us in his medical/grades, life decisions etc. I, for one, after Christicorp's "tough love" was assuaged immensly by the levening provided by mdanderson. Hopefully, if we have raised our children consitently with our family, religious, and other values our children will want us to be a part of their schooling etc. and will come to us for advice. Admitedly, from a legal perspective, that is all than we can request. The days of demanding ceased when he turned 18. And as you all know, whether or not we rationally understand that it is the best place in the world for our children, they remain our children, they always will be, we will always want to share with them their successes and support them in their failures, and I will continue to want to help them and protect them, even though my ability to do so diminishes with every new step he takes. I rationally understand that son will never be the same once he goes off to school; my parents recognized that too, and yet they lovingly allowed me to do so. Rationally, I get it. Completely. But I can still be emotionally reluctant (ie sad) about what will shortly be lost [or irretrievably changed] forever. And, quite frankly, such introspection may additionally be a reflection of my mortality.

Perhaps I am the only one conflicted, but I doubt it. Anyway, I will conclude that going to the orientation was a great experience: the presentations were excellent but meeting other parents going through the same situations certainly provided welcome support through comradrie.
 
Very well said moznick! :thumb: That is exactly the attitude and outlook that all military parents need to have. The academy is no different than a 17 year old who goes enlisted and leaves for basic training. And all any of us can hope and pray for is that we raised our children well enough that they will now "trust" our opinions and perspective and include us in some of their decisions and growth. If your appointee has the same perspective that you've expressed in your post, I'm sure you will have a very exciting relationship that you'll be able to share with your cadet.

And to be totally honest, I believe that the overwhelming vast majority of parents do in fact understand this "NEW" relationship they are about to have with their soon to be cadet; and their new role that they will play. There are some that truly have a difficult time with it, but it's not that many. But we have seen those that call the academy demanding information about classes, grades, leave/vacation, health matters, etc... Usually, the academy is pretty good at explaining to them that they need to talk to their son/daughter about their concerns. I'm also sure that some cadets have dropped out in their first 2 years at the pressure of their parents. Luckily, these parents are very rare. Orientation, these forums, and communications with others in the same boat usually prepare parents for this new relationship and their role in it.

Best of luck to you and your appointee. It will be a very exciting time for both of you. And definitely thank them for all of us for being willing to serve our country. mike.....
 
Thanks Christcorp; I know I, and others, have appreciated your insights to the process itself and the somewhat intangible "realities" of the process. All has been and is appreciated.
 
what, we don't like dropping off our kid at "the gates of h***"?

My wife had to work herself up for 3 years to drop the kid off at ... the Gates of Hell - BCT! ... As she said, "you know, it would be alot easier to be sending him off to ..."

So, we giggle at ourselves and at each other as we get those parenting urges now. Kid loves it there, loved BCT, loved Recognition, loves it post-recognition. That has made it as easy as it possibly could be. That said, I want to get home tonight by 6 because I get grumpy if I miss our weekly call.

As we sit on the patio at night, we remind each other of what went on when we were in school at State U. I think we've figured out he is safer jumping out of planes.
 
As far as I've heard, skydiving's pretty safe. Less percent of skydivers are in accidents than automobile riders. LOL. Yeah. I'd say he's pretty safe!
 
As we sit on the patio at night, we remind each other of what went on when we were in school at State U. I think we've figured out he is safer jumping out of planes.

That's great :shake: Who knew that USAFA would be a "safe" place to go? :eek:
 
Tell it, Christcorp! What fabulous posts. This guy really knows what he’s talking about. On the topic of helo parents, I would also add that it seems there are academy events that parents attend now, whereas twenty or even ten years ago, parents would never have attended. What used to be considered ‘date’ weekends, parents have (at times) become the dates. I’m not quite sure what the shift here has been, but it seems a bit odd to an oldtimer like me. (I openly admit it, I’m an oldtimer!) The strangest one that I just can’t wrap my mind around is parents showing up at the ‘graduation’ ceremonies of military summer training programs away from the academy. Now, in some instances it is simply because the parents live nearby and are giving their offspring a ride home. But it just strikes me funny, as you do not see PFC Jones’ parents showing up for these ceremonies. I’m sure that enlisted soldiers share the end date of their training schools with their parents, but they would most likely be mortified if their parents showed up! To you it may seem part of the ‘academy’ experience, but those things are part of the ‘they are in the REAL military’ experience.

I understand that many of the current generation have had their parents attend every single event they have ever been a part of, and that is hard to let go. Please understand that once they enter the academy they are in a completely different arena, and it is their arena. I’m not saying don’t ever show up at anything, I’m just saying be careful how you tread. Wait for them to invite, do not simply assume you are invited. As parents you are, and always will be, one of the strongest forces in their lives (as it should be), but something does change in them, even in the very first few weeks. They will become more mature and independent before your very eyes. And it’s that what you raised them to be?
 
I really liked the cadet's answer - "Sex is prohibited all four years, ma'am."
 
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