Joke for the Day

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
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That part still makes me roar out loud with laughter, even after allm these years. :yllol:
 
A Joke for Sunday Afternoon

An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!"

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps.......You could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."
 
The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable."

"When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" asked the Ensign.

"Now that goes waaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"
 
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!
 
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
 
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
 
futurewarrior said:
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
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As a NYJet fan i can totally appreciate that lol
 
A captain of a ship about to go into battle turns to his first mate and tells him "go get my red shirt." the first mate runs off and returns with the captains red shirt. as the captain puts on his shirt the first mate asks "Sir, why do you want a red shirt?" the captain replies "this is going to be a tough battle, i dont want the men to be affected by the sight of their captains blood." a few hours later the captain looks out on the horizon and sees more ships than he has ever seen in his life. he turns to his first mate and says "go get my brown pants"
 
Tom was in his early 50's, retired from the Marine Corps, and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was energetic, a good worker, and real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, after a couple weeks he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, but I am working on it," Tom replied.

"Well good. It shows you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Marine Corps. What did they say if you came in late there?"


"They said, "Good morning, General. ""
 
Those were great! :yllol:


A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
 
Good joke, future. The version I heard was basically the same but instead involved a Woop in the cadet barracks at WP.
 
That is terrible.

Ok...here goes...


UPS .....

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
^^^^^^^ Damn, future, I tried to help you but you ignored me. You're on your own now. Woop jokes are a lot more PC than blond ones. Usually you can just substitute 'woop' for 'blond' and just keep going. Also, blonds normally get the joke and are usually pissed.
 
:shake:


HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file or folder in your computer.

2. Name it 'Hillary Rodham Clinton'

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Hillary Rodham Clinton?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
 
USNA69 said:
Good joke, future. The version I heard was basically the same but instead involved a Woop in the cadet barracks at WP.
Click to expand...

that's funny - the version I heard involved a Midshipman wandering aimlessly around Bancroft.
 
USNA69 said:
^^^^^^^ Damn, future, I tried to help you but you ignored me. You're on your own now. Woop jokes are a lot more PC than blond ones. Usually you can just substitute 'woop' for 'blond' and just keep going. Also, blonds normally get the joke and are usually pissed.
Click to expand...

I do believe he has "Woop Envy"
 
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