The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. It was Tony's turn..... "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the f..k away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.
Joke for the Day
- Thread starter USNA69
- Start date
The New CEO
The New CEO
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.....
The New CEO
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.....
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2007
- Messages
- 41
Could not agree more Zaphod. My son read those boards everyday for any information about the Academy. Now it has become a sounding board for people who have nothing better to do. It really is sad that interested kids are rarely asking questions and parents have become children.
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2006
- Messages
- 146
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2006
- Messages
- 1,957
From a COL pal of mine:
In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and
without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with
many assorted creatures.
And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of
the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had
cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave
them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids"
and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have
to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He
called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded
men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a
twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made
their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their
pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their
uniforms, God gave them badges in qua ntities that only a dime store owner
could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of
shiny things that glittered... and devices that dangled. (When you are God
you tend to get carried away.)
On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which
he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force
flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not
until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established
what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders."
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.
But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not
happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His
divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine.
And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of
the air, and of the land, a nd of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful
uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early
days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting
uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil.
He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave
them evening and dress uniforms...sharp and stylish, handsome things…so
that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress
the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw
that it was good.
But was God happy? No! God was still not happy!
Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did
not have a Marine uniform for Himself.
He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally G od satisfied
Himself in knowing that, well....
Not everybody can be a Marine!
In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and
without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with
many assorted creatures.
And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of
the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had
cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave
them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids"
and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have
to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He
called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded
men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a
twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made
their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their
pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their
uniforms, God gave them badges in qua ntities that only a dime store owner
could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of
shiny things that glittered... and devices that dangled. (When you are God
you tend to get carried away.)
On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which
he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force
flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not
until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established
what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders."
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.
But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not
happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His
divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine.
And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of
the air, and of the land, a nd of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful
uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early
days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting
uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil.
He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave
them evening and dress uniforms...sharp and stylish, handsome things…so
that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress
the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw
that it was good.
But was God happy? No! God was still not happy!
Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did
not have a Marine uniform for Himself.
He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally G od satisfied
Himself in knowing that, well....
Not everybody can be a Marine!
I admit it went way too long and that I contributed to it. It may have had some useful moments though. I think a few are beginning to realize that their offspring are undergoing military training and are not at the "Undergraduate college of the Navy". I am sure more an awakening for the parents than for the midshipmen actually experiencing it.
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2007
- Messages
- 873
Hey, you Navy guys, this is the joke thread!
Naval Officer Efficiency
These are actual phrases from Naval Officer Efficiency Reports:
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
(from http://www.ahajokes.com/war061.html with some minor changes by me
)
Naval Officer Efficiency
These are actual phrases from Naval Officer Efficiency Reports:
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
(from http://www.ahajokes.com/war061.html with some minor changes by me
)
Just_A_Mom
10-Year Member
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2006
- Messages
- 4,774
The Attorney General wants to find out who's the best law enforcement agency: the FBI, the CIA or the NYPD.
So he calls a group from each organization together to meet outside D.C. and he lets a rabbit loose in the woods.
He says to the FBI guys "Okay, go find the rabbit." The FBI guys go in and two hours later come out without he rabbit, but call a big press conference and say, "We lab tested every twig and leaf in the woods, we questioned two hundred witnesses and we have concluded that the rabbit broke no federal laws and we let him go".
The AG says "Bull****. You never found the rabbit."
So then the CIA guys go in and an hour later come out without the rabbit. They say, "The FBI was wrong. We found the rabbit and he confessed to a conspiracy. We debriefed the rabbit and we turned the rabbit around, and he is now a double agent working for us."
The AG says, "Bull****. You never found the rabbit.
So then the NYPD guys go into the woods. Fifteen minutes later, this bear comes stumbling out of the woods, and the bear has taken a really bad beating, and the bear throws his arms us in the air and yells out, "All right! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Nelson DeMille, The Lion's Game
(awesome book by the way)
So he calls a group from each organization together to meet outside D.C. and he lets a rabbit loose in the woods.
He says to the FBI guys "Okay, go find the rabbit." The FBI guys go in and two hours later come out without he rabbit, but call a big press conference and say, "We lab tested every twig and leaf in the woods, we questioned two hundred witnesses and we have concluded that the rabbit broke no federal laws and we let him go".
The AG says "Bull****. You never found the rabbit."
So then the CIA guys go in and an hour later come out without the rabbit. They say, "The FBI was wrong. We found the rabbit and he confessed to a conspiracy. We debriefed the rabbit and we turned the rabbit around, and he is now a double agent working for us."
The AG says, "Bull****. You never found the rabbit.
So then the NYPD guys go into the woods. Fifteen minutes later, this bear comes stumbling out of the woods, and the bear has taken a really bad beating, and the bear throws his arms us in the air and yells out, "All right! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Nelson DeMille, The Lion's Game
(awesome book by the way)
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2007
- Messages
- 196
* A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed
limit. He asks the man his name. *
* 'Fred,' he replies. *
* 'Fred what?' the officer asks. *
* 'Just Fred,' the man responds. *
* The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he
might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead
of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man
tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. *
* 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' *
* The man replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' *
* 'I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids
used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and
got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. *
* 'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back
to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got
my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. *
* 'Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with
VD.*
* Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.*
* Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.*
* Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.*
*Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred.' *
*The officer walked away in tears, laughing. *
limit. He asks the man his name. *
* 'Fred,' he replies. *
* 'Fred what?' the officer asks. *
* 'Just Fred,' the man responds. *
* The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he
might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead
of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man
tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. *
* 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' *
* The man replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' *
* 'I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids
used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and
got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. *
* 'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back
to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got
my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. *
* 'Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with
VD.*
* Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.*
* Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.*
* Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.*
*Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred.' *
*The officer walked away in tears, laughing. *
Dingaling reminds me of a true story which just happened yesterday. Our school issues planners to help kids learn how to manage time. They also included a back page for hall passes with a column for date, location, and teachers signature. Since my honors Alg II class is very mature and trustworthy, I tell them if they need to go somewhere just fill in the hall pass portion of their planner and go. A kid raised his hand during a quiz and asked if it was okay to go to the bathroom during the quiz. I said okay and then noted that he had forgotten his planner. My comment, "Hey, don't forget your litttle thingie" caused me to need 5 minutes to restore order. It didn't help that the teacher was nearly rolling on the floor laughing. In my defense, the administration does not call them planners but registers (and register slipped my mind). Hopefully, the "don't forget your thingie" comment every time someone leaves the room will die down within a week or so.
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Good one!!!! He wasn't offended by the word little? 
I guess not. When I tried to apologize today to him in private, his snickering and guffawing got the whole thing started again.
USNA69's story reminds me of one of my many gaffes, that my wife will never let me forget.
There is a fairly large sporting goods chain called Dick's Sporting Goods. We were walking through the local mall where they were getting ready to open a new store. As we were walking past I commented, rather loudly, "Wow, what a big Dick's!!"
The group of teenagers lounging around nearby burst out in uprorious laughter. So to this day my wife will repeat the comment whenever we see one of the stores.
There is a fairly large sporting goods chain called Dick's Sporting Goods. We were walking through the local mall where they were getting ready to open a new store. As we were walking past I commented, rather loudly, "Wow, what a big Dick's!!"
The group of teenagers lounging around nearby burst out in uprorious laughter. So to this day my wife will repeat the comment whenever we see one of the stores.
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2006
- Messages
- 1,957
Well, I sat around on my duff waiting on the cable guy today. I waited till noon. Guess what. If I could read, I would have read my note that he is coming next Thursday....... Sooooo, this is a great lead in for my joke of the day:
She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."