Marriage

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by globalview2, Jun 23, 2012.

  1. globalview2

    globalview2 Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2010
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    0
    What is some advice on marriage? The do/do not's? The must's/must not's? Things you do to make it work? Is it more difficult or the same difficulty to raise kids and have a family? What are your experiences?
     
  2. Jcleppe

    Jcleppe Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2010
    Messages:
    5,537
    Likes Received:
    837
    Are you asking about marriage in the military or marriage in general.
     
  3. Lynpar

    Lynpar Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2010
    Messages:
    723
    Likes Received:
    2
    Short memory and thick skin
     
  4. Luigi59

    Luigi59 Banned

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2007
    Messages:
    4,628
    Likes Received:
    5
    Seek out your perfect match no matter how long it takes. Don't settle for 2nd best. Finding the right partner, compatible with you in every way, will ensure a long successful happy marriage. Looks will fade, personality will not, so although the initial attraction will be physical, if you can't stand the person after 5 years it won't matter how pretty they are.

    And if that doesn't work, find a rich elderly lonely widow in poor health, grab her hand, and sprint to the altar.
     
  5. EDelahanty

    EDelahanty Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2010
    Messages:
    1,273
    Likes Received:
    312
    When you are old and grey and use false teeth
    Soak them overnight in clear, individually labelled glasses.

    Aren't you starting at West Point next week?
     
  6. bruno

    bruno Retired Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2008
    Messages:
    3,001
    Likes Received:
    301
    Good advice (well the last sentence maybe/maybe not:wink:).

    And keep in mind that the whole idea behind Marriage is that you are committing to the welfare and happiness of someone else. If you are constantly thinking about what you want to do without almost immediately thinking- will this make my husband/wife happy, then you are destined for a either a short marriage or a very unhappy life. You make a commitment for life. Don't give up the first time you have a disagreement. You are still two different people- but you promised to have a life together- so if you remember the first point- you will eventually come to a resolution that makes you both happy because the other is. Trust me- I'm often a hard guy to live with, but we're closing on 30 years and that's because both my wife and I do care about each other's happiness and are most happy when the other is, and she knows that and gets past the momentarily unpleasant times that comes along with a husband's loudmouth or selfishness (or vice versa- it does work both ways you know.)

    That was kind of an open ended philosophy question- and it did have a second part: "is it more or less difficult with kids?" It's more complicated with kids- but it's also ultimately the most wonderful feeling to be a parent. It's trite to say that "it's all about the kids" because I don't believe that- but as a parent you have an awesome responsibility which includes being able to be a disciplinarian, role model, friend and basic resource provider, and there is no break. On the other hand- the joy and happiness that you also get with being a parent can't be overstated. It's a really good tradeoff in my book- more stress, more hassle, way more joy.
     
  7. scoutpilot

    scoutpilot Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2010
    Messages:
    4,274
    Likes Received:
    606
    Remember only 10% of what's said in a fight.
     
  8. globalview2

    globalview2 Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2010
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yes I was just curious, I do not even have a girlfriend haha (which I know is best right now:redface: )

    I am asking about marriage in the Army specifically I guess or military in general
     
  9. EDelahanty

    EDelahanty Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2010
    Messages:
    1,273
    Likes Received:
    312
    Here's a link to a military.com forum on Military Life, Spouses and Community

    http://forums.military.com/eve/forums/a/cfrm/f/377197221

    whether in the coming year you'll have much free time to peruse it doubtful.
     
  10. Christcorp

    Christcorp Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2008
    Messages:
    4,963
    Likes Received:
    872
    What's hers is hers... What's mine is hers....
     
  11. burnerafter16

    burnerafter16 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2012
    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    1
    Get used to saying "yes dear":unhappy:
     
  12. AJM7680

    AJM7680 Banned

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2012
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    0
    Marriage in the military can be extremely difficult. I would venture a guess that a greater percentage of military officers, especially in the combat related fields, are Type A personalities, than that of the general population at large. While deployed, they are too busy to get involved in the management of the family and household but when they return home, many want to take over again. Take over a household that, at least in the spouses opinion, is running smoothly. Repeat this enough times and resentment and conflict can arise.
     
  13. Christcorp

    Christcorp Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2008
    Messages:
    4,963
    Likes Received:
    872
    I have definitely seen that. I was like that for quite a few years. I paid all the bills and took care of everything. Then I deployed to South America for about 4 months. The few weeks prior to leaving, my wife and I sat down and I showed here how all the bills were set up; when they had to be paid; which payday to pay what; etc... When I came back 4 months later, we were celebrating our 8th anniversary and my daughter's 1st birthday. (She learned to walk while I was away). Well; in 2 weeks, we celebrate our 30th anniversary, and my wife still takes care of ALL the bills. scheduling, etc...

    To make a military marriage work, you need to find someone who will become self sufficient. You will need to become each other's best friend because normal friends will come and go every couple years. You will need a spouse who understands that they actually have an AFSC/MOS also. Military Spouse is definitely a "Military Job". If they understand that, all is good. If you're a guy and you marry a "Trophy Wife" or a spouse that doesn't understand that THEY ARE IN THE MILITARY TOO, then it won't work. Most military marriages either last a very short time or for ever.
     
  14. JMS

    JMS Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2011
    Messages:
    448
    Likes Received:
    11
    Ah the memories! The very words spoken to me by my wife just after we reached the back of the church... 27 yrs ago.
    Two items of advice to the orig poster:
    1. When fighting ask yourself "do I want to be right or do I want to be married?"
    2. In all other matters do exactly the opposite of me. ;-)
     
  15. Pima

    Pima Parent

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2007
    Messages:
    12,796
    Likes Received:
    930
    Isn't the old joke that husbands only have 4 answers.

    1. Yes dear
    2. You were right dear/I am sorry dear
    3. If that makes you happy dear
    4. It won't happen again dear

    For all seriousness though, marriage in the military is like getting accepted to an SA. There is no 100% fast and hard line on what makes it work. What makes it work in the military is the same as what makes it work in the civilian world. Placing the other before yourself. Respecting the other person's heart as it was your own. Understanding that it is give and take. Never holding resentment.

    If you have that than life will be great.

    One thing I will say is if the mate dreads the idea of moving away from the family in AZ, you might want to end it there and than before both of your hearts break.

    If the idea of shoveling snow off the roof at Ft. Drum while you are deployed to Korea is a NO WAY WOULD I EVER, than you need to say this is part of this life. Don't want to shovel, fine, we will hire someone, but you will still be at Ft. Drum finding that person, and I will still be deployed. Mom, Dad, Brother will not likely be around the corner.

    To me that is the one and only difference...notice it ties back to "never holding resentment" and "respect" which is something every non-military couple deals with too.

    The smart military dependent spouse also has a key statement they live by.
    What goes TDY stays TDY.

    Again goes back to resentment...no need to hear they are hanging out at the pool on a Saturday in Eglin while you are back home with 3 kids that have the flu and it just snowed a foot in the last 8 hrs.

    Than again it also goes back to the husband's statements...I am sorry dear that this is happening,you are right dear I don't know what it is like to be cooped up with the kids, if it makes you feel better dear, you should do a girl's day out, shopping, lunch, manicure as soon as I get back and I will watch the kids for the day! Unfortunately that day also ends with you doing something by accident that ends with it will never happen again dear

    So if the wife accepts that she doesn't need to know about how beautiful it is where he is at, she has less stress because in the end she got a nice day out!
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2012
  16. OhioSoccerMom

    OhioSoccerMom Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2011
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    0
    I can't answer this from a military perspective, but I can tell you that great advice has been given here. Marry someone you respect, that makes you laugh and that you're best friends with. You'll spend more time with this person than anyone else you've ever known (provided that you make till death do you part!!).

    Having that premise: You can't possibly live with someone everyday and not eventually get pissed off at them for something. You will get mad at each other. You will fight. This is normal, and healthy! BUT... how you fight and how you make up becomes key to the longevity of your marriage!! Fight fair. Keep it to the matter at hand. And most importantly... don't be afraid to say you're wrong when you are, and a sincere apology will heal wounds faster than anything. You would not believe the number of spouses that just cannot say "I'm sorry", and mean it. And you would not believe how quickly that sincere apology will right a wrong. (which leads to kissing and making up!! :thumb:)

    Pima's right: place the other person's heart before your own. Be kind. Do the little things that put a smile on your spouse's face. For me, my hubby takes the garbage out every Friday morning. I never have had to ask. And since I've had to switch shifts and I work 3rd now, sometimes he'll pack my lunch for me when I'm getting ready for work. Or he'll clean off my car when it's snowed. I was awake today when he came home from work, and I greeted him at the door with a glass of wine, like a 1950's housewife, "How was your day, honey?!" Those are the things, those kindnesses, those little surprises, that make you WANT to spend everyday with this person. Those are the things, on top of the big reasons, that keep you in love. Well, that, and the clear understanding (as Christcorp seems to have it nailed!), that what's hers is hers, and what's mine is hers. :shake: LOL!!!
     
  17. FlyBoy1993

    FlyBoy1993 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2011
    Messages:
    237
    Likes Received:
    26
    I never have subscribed to the "perfect match" theory.

    Relationships require give and take, and marriage is no different. When you marry someone, you're saying, "I see your faults, and raise you a commitment of a lifetime."

    Also, marry someone that you genuinely love to be around. This seems so obvious, yet so many couples whiff bigtime on this aspect. They get caught up in money,looks, or an infinite number of other attractions. For me, I always asked myself how a girl treated her own family. Guess what you are going to become when you marry her? Exactly. Her family.

    What works for others, may not work for you. Just ask yourself- Is this the person I would go through anything with? Would they have my back when things got tough? Are they worth fighting for( not in the physical sense.)

    Today is the 20th anniversary of the day I met my wife. Yeah, that's a very good feeling...
     
  18. Pima

    Pima Parent

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2007
    Messages:
    12,796
    Likes Received:
    930
    FlyBoy1993,

    Congrats on your anniversary.

    Back on topic and something that posters have not addressed yet from the OP's question, but something that impacts every marriage.
    It is IMPO harder because your mate walked down the aisle freely electing to be a military spouse, your children did not.

    Bullet and I have 3 children, and the least amount of schools they attended from Pre-K to HS was 8 schools in 6 different states over 14 yrs. The longest they stayed in one place was just under 32 months, shortest 6 months.

    Additionally, as much as you may turn off the tv so they don't see what's happening, they get it. Bullet missed every halloween from when DS2 was 4 months old to when he was 8. He was not there for 1st Holy Communion. He missed Thanksgiving. He missed countless birthdays, father-daughter dances, etc.

    We dealt with kids crying and telling us "they hate us for making them move".

    It can be a stress on your marriage, especially if the spouse also has a career.

    Kids get older, and moving them in HS because the military says so, becomes even harder since they have to start life over again, and realistically many of their peers have been friends since they played T-ball.

    Their relationships between siblings IMPO is different than the relationship their peers have with siblings that never move. When you move it takes months to make new friends, siblings are their only friends. Siblings are the only ones to understand your life.

    When they get to hs/college, that life is now an asset. All of the sudden it is a cool factor... i.e. You were born in England? You lived in Alaska? Your parent was deployed to Korea/Iraq/Afghanistan?

    Just remember kids pay it forward, and so will you as parents. That means you and your spouse need to provide a united front on how great it will be to live in Kansas for a yr! How their teenage love is just teenage love.

    If either one of you waffles, the kids will know it, and you just bought a ticket to the slippery slope.

    I would do it again, and looking at the posters on this site, they would too since many military members were military brats too.
     
  19. Christcorp

    Christcorp Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2008
    Messages:
    4,963
    Likes Received:
    872
    Hell; I married my wife for her money. And we're both so cheap, that's why our marriage will be 30 years next week. Neither one wants the other to get anything, so it's cheaper to stay married than get divorced and have to split everything. :shake:
     
  20. LineInTheSand

    LineInTheSand USCGA 2006

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2007
    Messages:
    8,749
    Likes Received:
    1,002
    HA. I just got married on Saturday. Great weekend. My wife's brother is my CGA classmate. He introduced us at the end of my 2/c year. We've survived CGA, my time on a ship, at CGHQ and her time out west. And we survived the joint stress of the week before a wedding.
     

Share This Page