My NROTC Essays!

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by Alexis Hemeon, Jan 21, 2013.

  1. Alexis Hemeon

    Alexis Hemeon New Member

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    Hi guys! I have been reading these forums for a while now, and I just want to thank all you for the wonderful advice that has been given regarding the NROTC application.

    I'm completely done with the application except for the essays, which I will work on over the next few days. I plan to have my application by the end of the week.

    Any editing tips and suggestions, whether grammatical or idea-wise, would be greatly appreciated!!




    Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Nurse Officer.



    (MY MOST IMPORTANT REASONS: 1. My country served me, so I want to serve in return. 2. I want to serve those less fortunate on behalf of my country. 3. I want to provide healthcare to service-people and their families, because they are most deserving due to the sacrifices they have made.)

    I have had a life-long passion for healthcare. This has led me to decide on a career in nursing. Having made this decision, I researched the different civilian routes I could take in nursing, and although I considered the military, it was just in the back of my mind. In the 9th grade, I did a project for my history class where I interviewed my Grandfather, who is a WWII veteran. His haunting personal narratives made me really open my eyes. This was the turning point that led me to focus on a career in the navy.
    While researching, I happened upon an article that talked about how the USNS Comfort aided Haiti after the earthquake. This led me to continue reading about the various humanitarian relief efforts the Navy has taken part in. I consider volunteering to be a very important part of my life; so learning of the Navy’s humanitarian involvement is one of the most important reasons for my wanting to become a Naval Nurse Officer. While working with the organizations such as UNICEF or Mercy Corps would be an option if I wanted to help people, I would rather provide aid on behalf of my country, acting as a representative of the United States. Also, pursuing nursing in the Navy provides an opportunity attain personal and professional growth.
    I realize that working on a hospital ship is not an opportunity that is guaranteed to me, and the strong possibility of this not happening does not detract from my desire to be a Naval Nurse Officer, because my other motivation, which is of equal importance to me, is to be able to provide healthcare to those most deserving of it. I often think back to my grandfather’s WWII stories, which tell of extremely graphic scenes that allude to the realities of war. Seamen and Marines are willing subject themselves to the dangers of war to protect the people and rights of this country. This is why I believe that they and their family deserve the best quality healthcare available. It would be an honor for me to provide this for them.
    This is a decision that I did not make lightly. I have thought about this since I was 15. I have since sought out people who have served in the Navy, including my cousin Craig Cole who is an enlisted, and my neighbor Captain Jim Albani who is in the reserves. My country has served me throughout my life, providing me with the freedoms that some other countries do not provide to woman. Now I feel it is time to return the favor and serve my country, by serving as a Naval Nurse Officer.




    How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Naval Service?



    I come from a family background that has instilled in me a diverse range of values and morals. As the oldest of four boys, raised in a blue-collar, household, my father instilled in me the values of hard work, responsibility, a strong moral character, and self-reliance through example. My mother instilled in me an interest in and appreciation for languages and world cultures, and continues to sharpen my critical reflection skills through discussion of politics, particularly as they relate to social justice. (Say why this would enhance the Navy)
    When I turned 16, I left my home in Essex for a tiny, poverty-stricken village in the Guatemalan Highlands to stay with a family friend. I financed my trip with money I saved for two years, dishwashing and bussing tables at a restaurant in town. I went completely alone, and despite my parent’s last-minute doubts, I was determined to go. For a month straight, I remained with strangers, had to speak Spanish 100% of the time, all while being 2000 miles away from home. This shows that not only do I have ability to face uncertainty without being overcome by fear, but also I am also self-reliant and ambitious. (Say why this would enhance the Navy)
    I have devoted much time to extracurriculars that have been very important to me, most significant of which have been my volunteer efforts. My dedication to serving people regardless of race, orientation, and socio-economic background has played a major part of my high school career. For me, serving others is not a self-serving endeavor but a genuine expression of my character. (Say why this would enhance the Navy)
    While I may not be class president, I have directed and instructed groups of people in many situations. At my part-time job, I have trained several employees and assured that they performed their job properly. Also, as Elected Treasurer of the Robotics team, I have organized many fundraisers that have required me to direct others to assure the success of the operation. I have acted as a Teacher’s Assistant to the choral director, leading the school chorus in extensive vocal warm-ups in the case of her tardiness or absence. Lastly, my years of tutoring have given me the teaching skills needed to lead those in my command.
    Lastly, I am a motivated self-starter. Last year, I was dissatisfied to learn that I would not be able to take an AP Biology class because it did not fit in my schedule. Instead of accepting defeat, I decided to enroll in a Biology course at a local university. Because of this, I will be qualified to take the Advanced Placement Biology class at the end of this year. My eagerness to begin my career has also driven me to apply for an internship at a hospital, which I will be starting this spring.

    (SOMETHING HERE NEEDS TO BE CUT, IT’S A BIT TOO LONG)
     
  2. kinnem

    kinnem Moderator

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    I won't comment on the essay although I'm sure others will. Just want to point out that you're almost out of time (as I'm sure you know). You will also need time to arrange an interview, so you better get to it. It's quite late in the game to be applying as many review boards have already been held. Fortunately it's not too late.
     
  3. Alexis Hemeon

    Alexis Hemeon New Member

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    Thank you for your response kinnem.

    I realize that I am cutting it close for this application. Unfortunately, I was not aware of the scholarship opportunity until fairly recently.

    On the bright side, I have already completed an officer interview! The only part of the application that needs finalizing is the essay section.
     
  4. kinnem

    kinnem Moderator

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    Good! Glad to hear the interview is done. If a scholarship doesn't come through you might consider doing NROTC without the scholarship and competing for an in-school scholarship next year. Good luck on your application. :thumb:
     
  5. Alexis Hemeon

    Alexis Hemeon New Member

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    Thanks Kinnem! Oh and I'm not just considering it... that's my plan!

    Having fully come to terms that I might not get this scholarship, I decided that's plan B. If I don't get an in-school scholarship by the end of sophomore year then I will apply to the Nurse Candidate Program.

    However, at the moment, I am very anxious to get as many sets of eyes on these rough drafts as I can. The replies on this thread just cannot come fast enough :(
     
  6. NavyNurseApplicant

    NavyNurseApplicant Member

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    Nice to meet a fellow Nurse Corps applicant! When I did my application I had no idea what I was doing (I had yet to discover this forum and I did not know anyone going through the process either) and looking back my only regret was not spending more time on my essays before submitting. So, I will try to give you advice about your essays but keep in mind: I'm new to this, too. I'm a fellow applicant. Perhaps an English teacher or peer that you trust would be a better reader.

    The first essay seems to address the prompt fairly well. It should be women, not woman in your last paragraph though.

    In the second essay, perhaps bringing up the fact that you are not class president is not the way to go. If the essay is too long, that would be the logical part to cut. You want to highlight what you have done, not bring up what you haven't. I'm confused- in your first essay, you talk about the rights this country has given to women, yet in your second you say you're the "oldest of four boys," which seems to suggest that you are a boy. For the second essay you just need to focus in on what's most important for you to say and address the prompt.

    Hopefully that was slightly helpful, and good luck.:smile:
     
  7. Alexis Hemeon

    Alexis Hemeon New Member

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    Thank NavyNurseApplicant! It makes me feel a whole lot better to know that I'm not the only one who is new to this! Also, I meant that MY DAD was the youngest of four boys. I reread it and realized how silly it sounded!!

    I made the following changes:

    Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Nurse Officer.



    (MY MOST IMPORTANT REASONS: 1. My country served me, so I want to serve in return. 2. I want to serve those less fortunate on behalf of my country. 3. I want to provide healthcare to service-people and their families, because they are most deserving due to the sacrifices they have made.)

    I have had a life-long passion for healthcare. This has led me to decide on a career in nursing. Having made this decision, I researched the different civilian routes I could take in nursing, and although I considered the military, it was just in the back of my mind. In the 9th grade, I did a project for my history class where I interviewed my Grandfather, who is a WWII veteran. His haunting personal narratives made me really open my eyes. This was the turning point that led me to focus on a career in the navy.

    While researching, I happened upon an article that talked about how the USNS Comfort aided Haiti after the earthquake. This led me to continue reading about the various humanitarian relief efforts the Navy has taken part in. I consider volunteering to be a very important part of my life; so learning of the Navy’s humanitarian involvement is one of the most important reasons for my wanting to become a Naval Nurse Officer. While working with the organizations such as UNICEF or Mercy Corps would be an option if I wanted to help people, I would rather provide aid on behalf of my country, acting as a representative of the United States. Also, pursuing nursing in the Navy provides an opportunity attain personal and professional growth.

    I realize that working on a hospital ship is not an opportunity that is guaranteed to me, and the strong possibility of this not happening does not detract from my desire to be a Naval Nurse Officer, because my other motivation, which is of equal importance to me, is to be able to provide healthcare to those most deserving of it. I often think back to my grandfather’s WWII stories, which tell of extremely graphic scenes that allude to the realities of war. Seamen and Marines are willing subject themselves to the dangers of war to protect the people and rights of this country. This is why I believe that they and their family deserve the best quality healthcare available. It would be an honor for me to provide this for them.

    This is a decision that I did not make lightly. I have thought about this since I was 15. I have since sought out people who have served in the Navy, including my cousin Craig Cole who is an enlisted, and my neighbor Captain Jim Albani who is in the reserves. My country has served me throughout my life, providing me with the freedoms that some other countries do not provide to women. Now I feel it is time to return the favor and serve my country, by serving as a Naval Nurse Officer.




    How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Naval Service?



    I come from a family background that has instilled in me a diverse range of values and morals. Raised in a blue-collar household, my father instilled in me the values of hard work, responsibility, a strong moral character, and self-reliance through example. My mother instilled in me an interest in and appreciation for languages and world cultures, and continues to sharpen my critical reflection skills through discussion of politics, particularly as they relate to social justice. (Say why this would enhance the Navy)

    When I turned 16, I left my home in Essex for a tiny, poverty-stricken village in the Guatemalan Highlands to stay with a family friend. I financed my trip with money I saved for two years, dishwashing and bussing tables at a restaurant in town. I went completely alone, and despite my parent’s last-minute doubts, I was determined to go. For a month straight, I remained with strangers, had to speak Spanish 100% of the time, all while being 2000 miles away from home. This shows that not only do I have ability to face uncertainty without being overcome by fear, but also I am also self-reliant and ambitious. (Say why this would enhance the Navy)

    I have devoted much time to extracurriculars that have been very important to me, most significant of which have been my volunteer efforts. My dedication to serving people regardless of race, orientation, and socio-economic background has played a major part of my high school career. For me, serving others is not a self-serving endeavor but a genuine expression of my character. (Say why this would enhance the Navy)

    I have directed and instructed groups of people in many situations. At my part-time job, I have trained several employees and assured that they performed their job properly. Also, as Elected Treasurer of the Robotics team, I have organized many fundraisers that have required me to direct others to assure the success of the operation. I have acted as a Teacher’s Assistant to the choral director, leading the school chorus in extensive vocal warm-ups in the case of her tardiness or absence. Lastly, my years of tutoring have given me the teaching skills needed to lead those in my command.

    Lastly, I am a motivated self-starter. Last year, I was dissatisfied to learn that I would not be able to take an AP Biology class because it did not fit in my schedule. Instead of accepting defeat, I decided to enroll in a Biology course at a local university. Because of this, I will be qualified to take the Advanced Placement Biology class at the end of this year. My eagerness to begin my career has also driven me to apply for an internship at a hospital, which I will be starting this spring.

    (SOMETHING HERE NEEDS TO BE CUT, IT’S A BIT TOO LONG)
     
  8. kinnem

    kinnem Moderator

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    I don't normally do this as I feel it's something you should do on your own, but above is some editorial feedback on your first essay. In general your essay uses the passive voice which is a common style. I simply changed it to use a more active voice in most cases which is usually much more powerful. I'm sure you could do the same in your other essay. A lot of it is also just removing words that don't add to the point you are really trying to make.

    Oh yeah, Underlined text is in your original which I think should be removed. Red text is stuff I added for rewording/flow.

    I hope this is helpful. Good luck with your application.
     
  9. USMCGrunt

    USMCGrunt Member

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    I recommend you move the names of your cousin and neighbor from your first essay. Refer to them as cousin and neighbor only.
     
  10. Aglahad

    Aglahad Member

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    Another correction worth implementing would be to switch that application to Army nursing :biggrin::wink:

    "To Conserve Fighting Strength"-AMEDD motto
     
  11. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    Just my personal opinion, take the essay to your GC or your AP English teacher. Please realize that on a forum like this you don't know the background of the posters. They could be a candidate just like you, thus it is akin to the blind leading the blind.

    Your GC and English teacher have read dozens, if not hundreds of essays for scholarships and college admittance.

    I am not saying don't take to heart the guidance being given by others, but when you place it on an open forum, and not a PM me, you will have different answers, directions and suggestions all over the place.

    For example, here's my opinion. My pet peeve...count how many times you said I, me, myself in this snippet.
    Finally this is an anonymous forum, and basically I know not only your name, but your cousin's name, and your neighbor's name that you floated out on the internet. I know that you meant no harm by that, and it probably didn't even cross your mind when you posted the essay publicly, but it is why many feel that in the future you want assistance it is best to just ask if anyone is willing to read it. There will be many that will say yes.
     
  12. Stealth_81

    Stealth_81 Super Moderator Moderator Founding Member

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    An additional point to Pima's advice:

    Since you don't know who is all on this forum, it may not be a wise idea to post your whole essay. Suppose another candidate is writing their essay and decides that yours looks much better. They copy and paste it, change a few details and submit it as their own before you submit yours. Now ROTC command sees two virtually identical essays and decides to toss both of the candidate's files for cheating.

    Slim chance? Yes, but with what is at stake I would not take the chance.

    Stealth_81
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
  13. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    +1 to Stealth's post.

    I did not want to broach that idea, but the fact is it can happen. Too many kids believe that somehow the internet is the safest place in the world, and forums like this are the safest of the safe.

    Here's proof that this idea is a fallacy.

    https://www.google.com/search?q=nro...e.1.57j0j60l3j0.7756&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

    SAF is number 3 on that Google page. They had 4 topics listed as links for that question.

    FWIW all I googled was NROTC essay, nothing more than those 2 words.

    Google Captain Jim Albani and number 2 for his name is tied to your essay on this forum.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
  14. USMCGrunt

    USMCGrunt Member

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    I agree with the last few posts on anonimity and privacy. I don't know if you can unring the bell, but if possible, I would delete my posts or ask the moderators to. Even change your forum name.

    As Pima states, if you ask for help and ask people to PM you, you will get plenty of takers.
     
  15. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I don't think you can unring that bell. Capt. Albani is out there on Google tied to SAF, and their name.

    Is there a way to unring Google?

    I would change your moniker. I would follow USMC's advice and contact the mods to see if you can do it.

    I am going to add 1 more reason why this is anonymous and placing your name is not smart. There are a ton of lurkers, and sometime posters.

    Ex:pflying17 (?)

    I am not sure that is their moniker, but they are a member here. They rarely post, most of the time it is to clarify the mis-conception of posters from someone in the NROTC loop.

    They now have your name. Even changing your moniker, they have your essay. Seriously they are not a moron, and can put 2 +2 together.

    Use me as an example from my posts:
    Bullet is my DH. He flew the F15E, retired in 08, works at the Pentagon on the 35 program, DS is 2012 AFROTC grad UMDCP, at Laughlin for UPT leaving for IFS in Feb.

    It wouldn't take a rocket scientist at Laughlin if they were a lurker to figure out his name.

    The thing is I never used my name, they had to piece all of it together.

    Here is the Google for you Alexis:
    https://www.google.com/search?q=ale...hrome.0.57j62l3.6122&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

    Kids don't get it. We might be old like their folks, but we use the net too, and our reasons aren't having 700 friends on FB. It is to look deeper as a tool.

    DS will be 23 in a month. I saw FB as a kid's thing and thought anyone over 30 was warped in the mind to be on it, or more so for "friending" their kids, nephews, nieces.

    I was wrong. My sister knowing that our DS was a freshman AFROTC scholarship cadet, called me and said PIMA, you need to talk to your DS. He did nothing wrong, put people were posting pictures of a dorm party and alcohol was in the background. He didn't have a pic of him imbibing, but he was tagged in the picture.

    I told him get those pics down NOW, ASAP!

    He was floored. He knew I saw the pics due to the description, but I wasn't his friend on FB, how on earth did I see them?

    I saw them because of backdooring FB via my sister. FB has tightened up this way, but if a cadet/mid is a member of the det/unit, they can work another backdoor since they have a FB page too.

    DS realized he was doing more harm being friends with 700 people because they sent a friend request. He was now being tagged every which way from Sunday.

    I am not paranoid, I am saying if you think the 1st shirt or the cadre can't find you, you are so wrong.

    If I was vested in you getting a scholarship or college admittance, it would take me less than an hour to find out if the Alexis Hemeon on SAF is my candidate.

    IF you wonder when I got the fear of the internet. Duke Lacrosse rape case. Reade Seligmann, Collin Finnerty, and David Evans won a multi- million dollar lawsuit because their defense was the internet. They argued because of the damage that Duke and Durham did their earning potentials were killed. Forever if you Google Reade's name all you get is RAPE.

    The guy was innocent, but employers will tie him to that case.

    The internet is not like newspapers that get tossed in the garbage at the end of the day. It lives forever.
     
  16. Alexis Hemeon

    Alexis Hemeon New Member

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    Kinnem, USMC Grunt, Aglahad, Pima and Stealth_81, thank you for your replies.

    Wow, that was a lot to take in and respond to.

    Honestly, I am really new at this whole forum thing, but I know that cannot serve as an excuse for my mistakes.

    Kinnem,

    Thank you for your suggestions. I really appreciate it!

    USMC Grunt,

    I will definitely take the names out of my essay.
    Also, I will do my best to see if I can remove some of my personal information from not only this forum, but also other web pages as well.

    Pima,

    I will definitely have my teachers look at them. As far as posting essays on forums is concerned, I have seen many other applicants do it, so I thought that it was something that was acceptable to do.

    I didn’t know that PMing forum users for suggestions on a thing like this was considered acceptable, so thanks for that piece of advice.

    As far as your edit suggestions go; thank you, I will definitely take out as many first-person sentences as I can.

    Also, you’re right. When I posted my name and the names of others on the forum, it didn’t even cross my mind. And the fact that my neighbors name (the captain) comes up on this thread as a google search really concerns me, and I now feel that was really inappropriate of me to do; I never thought about that! Thanks for hitting me with a reality check. It has given me something to learn from.

    You are right about that link you have posted. I’ve looked at all of the first page results from that google search before. That’s where I got the idea that posting essays on forums were helpful. I didn’t view it as dangerous.

    By the way, what does FWIW, DH and DS stand for? And what’s a moniker, lurker, 1st shirt, and cadre?

    Googling my name was quite a shock!! I never knew I had that many pages connected to me! However, I only chose to use my real name because I don’t feel like I have anything to hide, so it was never a concern for me.


    Stealth_81,

    Many NROTC applicants have posted their essays on forums. Seeing these is what gave me the idea to do the same, because I’ve seen others receive valuable feedback. (There are links to these that I wanted to post, but the forum wont let me because I haven written 10 posts yet.)
    Not once have I seen a posted NROTC essay where someone said that these essays should not be posted for fear of plagiarism, so I’m confused why this is suddenly being brought up :/
     
  17. USMCGrunt

    USMCGrunt Member

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    Alexis: appreciate your response - great attitude. Many comments here are offered for other readers as well as the original poster so that others can learn also.

    Google's algorithems are legendary and change constantly. While it never goes away, Its likely things will be buried by fresher searches in the future.

    We appreciate your willingness to serve your country and attempt to ask for advice. Don't let the comments scare you off. Just embrace the experience and knowledge offered.

    In the end, these are just viewpoints from forum members trying to offer some helpful advice.

    Good luck!
     
  18. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    FWIW= For what it's worth
    DH = Dear Husband
    DS = Dear Son

    On the community info there is an acronym sticky.

    Regarding the essay posting and plagiarism, just because nobody ever said it to you or you never heard about it doesn't mean it hasn't happened, or it should not be a concern.,
     
  19. jbsail

    jbsail Member

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    Hey there A -

    You can go to each of your posts (only yours not others), and edit (remove) what you don't want. (Although to be correct, each poster (PIMA) should edit within their posts (the google website link...and lets have respect for other posters).

    If you haven't done any thing wrong, no worries with what people know (Just saying don't lose sleep or get nightmares from finding this out). If you did well on your Officer interview I think (from what I know in your writing) you have a good chance. If not, definitely I think you should try again.... Just ask Kinnim about applying again!

    Don't worry about plagiarism. Heck you can print this page out if you are concerned. Seriously, applicants may not know, but there are ways for those accepting the applications to determine if your fellow classmates cheated on the essay. I heard of (from fellow mil rep) several that got caught. Not good. And..that goes with reports in classes once accepted. Maybe your fellow students can get away with it in High school, but it may catch up with them.
     
  20. gracelyn

    gracelyn New Member

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    This is very similar to my situation! I just recently found out about the scholarship and turned everything in within the last week possible. Do you think the fact that our apps were turned in later will harm the possibility of getting the scholarship?
     

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