Nomination Essay for Senator Warren

usafanick

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I've been scrolling through this thread today and I saw the abundance of advice given to people who posted their drafts of essays here. Well, conveniently I happen to be applying for a nomination from Senator Elizabeth Warren. In my application, there is a writing prompt which reads:

Please submit an essay of 250 words or more explaining why you should be considered for a nomination to a service academy.

Here is my current draft response to this prompt:

I should be nominated to attend the United States Air Force Academy because I want to challenge and improve myself physically, intellectually, and mentally. I want to be commissioned as an officer in the Air Force, and I want to give back to this country for all of the wonderful opportunities it has given me.

Becoming an officer in the armed forces, specifically in the Air Force, has been my dream for as long as I can remember. Whenever I’m over my great grand-dad’s house, he never fails to tell a story from his time spent as an Army Ranger. His stories of camaraderie with his fellow soldiers and courage as he braved the front lines of the Korean War, stuck with me and instilled a desire to serve my country the best way I can, by being a leader. I aspire to be an officer, because it would provide me with more opportunities to lead.

Challenges have always been a part of how I live my life. For example, I take the hardest classes I can, go out of my comfort zone to push myself athletically, and work to be the best employee I can be at my job. The United States Air Force Academy will be no different, as I’m ready to challenge myself with the rigorous academic curriculum, mental stresses, and highly physical lifestyle. I believe that the environment the academy would put me through will not only make me a better person, but a better leader.

Attending the USAFA would be a dream realized. I would receive one of the finest educations this nation has to offer. I would grow into a stronger person, mentally and physically. I would learn my limits, and push them farther than I could ever hope to do at any other institution. But most importantly, I would be able to represent and serve the people that provided me this great opportunity. Service to the country that I love is the ultimate goal, and attending one of this nation’s excellent service academies is the best option for me to do so.

Thoughts? Criticisms? I want this to be the best it can be, so don't hold back! Also, what are your thoughts on the length of the essay?
 
camaraderie
I would use comradery here as camaraderie is the formal french word which many people second guess/do not understand upon first glance. As for the rest of your paper (fair warning, do not take this personally, I am simply stating what I believe from a writing point of view) it seems very broken up. While there are some great ideas in it, it seems so spaced out that rather than reading paragraphs, it feels like reading long sentences. Also, I would not put so much focus on your grand-dad. While he is a true patriot and I thank him for his dedication to the country, this is about you; however, you could work his story in somehow without over-doing it. Maybe something like, "My grand-dad's stories about his service in Korea instilled in me what it meant to be a leader of character and commitment." The biggest tip that I could give (once again, I am simply a candidate myself so don't feel inclined to even take what I say seriously) is to make your paper more about you and why they should choose you rather than what the academy would do for you. What sets you apart?
 
I would think the first time the mods deleted your essay would have sent the appropriate message.
 
First, I think the length of the essay is fine. It is over the 250 word minimum, but not so long that it will be a chore for the reader. As for the content, I think you are on the right track. Take a look at your intro, do your follow on paragraphs support it? I would say that your second paragraph (Grandpa) has nothing to do with your intro. That's not to say you should scrap it. My DS had similar language in his essay, but he prefaced it by tying it to “his turn to serve.” The other two paragraphs support your intro. Lastly, I would say to have a diverse group of people look at your essay and offer advice. My DS had his English teacher, a retired USMC officer, the local admissions rep, and another retired Army officer (who had served at the USMA admissions dept.) look at his and offer advice. Each will have their own opinions, but ultimately it’s your words. Make sure they are heartfelt and honest. There’s no magic formula for nomination or acceptance. Good luck!
 
Your last paragraph is worthless IMHO. Don't mean to be harsh but for the most part, you are not telling them anything they don't already know in that paragraph. Also, it seems most of it is about what the academy could do for you. You should focus on (or at least mention) what you can do for the academy/service. Why should THEY want YOU!
 
Your last paragraph is worthless IMHO. Don't mean to be harsh but for the most part, you are not telling them anything they don't already know in that paragraph. Also, it seems most of it is about what the academy could do for you. You should focus on (or at least mention) what you can do for the academy/service. Why should THEY want YOU!
Can't agree more.
 
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