Nomination Essay

Discussion in 'Nominations' started by luke_715, May 27, 2016.

  1. luke_715

    luke_715 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2016
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    1
    Could you guys let me know what you think of my essay. The prompt was, "Why I Want to Attend a Military Service Academy." Right now it's kind of a draft but please be honest. Thanks.

    Attending one of America’s Service Academies is an honor in itself. The tradition and commitment to excellency behind the Service Academies would make any student proud to attend. However, many short and long term benefits come along with that experience. Receiving a quality education from one of the nation’s top rated colleges would benefit not only one’s military career, but as well as their civilian career. After graduating, receiving an officer commission would provide the armed service with quality leaders for a better tomorrow. That is one thing I have longed for since elementary school; to be part of the greatest military the world has seen, to be part of a force that has contributed to so much to society and to give back to the world we live in.
     
  2. brovol

    brovol Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2015
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    555
    I would talk a bit about your strong desire to not only serve, but to lead men and women. I would discuss what distinguishes the academies and their cadets/midshipmen from other schools and students; the standards of honor, character and commitment. Perhaps also reference any people close to you who served in the military, and what the experiences they shared did to motivate you.

    I think the nomination committee folks want to see that applicants have a genuine desire to serve and lead, and that is why one wants to attend one of the greatest institutions of leadership in the world. Thus, you should emphasize those things.

    Just my thoughts.
     
  3. luke_715

    luke_715 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2016
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    1
    Will do, thanks!
     
  4. brovol

    brovol Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2015
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    555
    ....it also wouldn't hurt to reference your patriotism, and that the greatest graduates of our service academies were also great patriots who served our country selflessly.
     
  5. brovol

    brovol Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2015
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    555
    Which academies are you applying to? My son, who will be in the West Point 2020 Class, used the Candidates Guide to West Point, which is a fantastic source of info for anyone applying to any academy. There is also one for USNA and USAFA, but they all say mostly the same thing. I highly recommend it for any applicant. Great inside info, which will help throughout the entire application process. My son was also accepted to USAFA, so the tips work.
     
    Wishful likes this.
  6. luke_715

    luke_715 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2016
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    1
    I'm applying to USNA. I'll be sure to check out the guides.
     
  7. TxNana

    TxNana Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    6
    Looking at your essay from a grammar/style viewpoint, your thoughts are a bit scattered in places. There are several instances of redundancy as well. You have some great points,so keep on working!
     
  8. tex2021

    tex2021 Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2016
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    33
    Where can DS get this Guide ?
     
  9. brovol

    brovol Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2015
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    555
    Sorry, it's actually called, "The West Point Candidate Book", by Sue Ross . Can buy at any bookstore, or Amazon for $18.95.

    It's a great resource. Easy read too. Has great practice questions for interviews, both for MOC 's and BG officers, FFR's, and liason officers. And the info in the book explains the processes of admission so you have a perspective. Has CFA info and tips.

    Honestly, of all the resources my son used throughout the process, this was the best by far. I would read it right away to get the biggest bang for your buck, then use it as a reference.

    Many if not most of the interview questions my son was asked were in the book, along with the types of responses the interviewers are wanting to hear. You don't want a memorised answer, buy you want to be able to speak thoughtfully and intelligently. Also, practice leads you to be much more comfortable during an interview. My son walked out of every interview he had with a smile. He had three MOC interviews , three SA officer interviews, and one ROTC interview, along with three four or five informal in office meetings with WP RC's or USNA admissions officers. He always reviewed advice in those books before he knew he was interviewing.
     
    FutureCadet12 and Wishful like this.
  10. tex2021

    tex2021 Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2016
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    33
    Thank you.
     
  11. brovol

    brovol Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2015
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    555
    Welcome. It is strange, now that my son is set to start at USMA in only a month, things are so incredibly fast paced in this process. It seems like only hours ago that he was at the beginning of the application process, and we were literally clueless, as my son didn't decide to apply to service academies until the very end of his junior year, and thus we had to get up to speed fast. We took the process serious though, and gathered as much good info as possible.

    I will say that this forum is great, but there is also some misinformation that can be shared. Some folks on here are true experts though too, and in time you will realize who they are.

    Even the BGO 's, FFR 's and liason officers from the accademys can give incorrect information though, so verify.

    As far as essays go, in my sons experience, they couldn't really be reused over and over. Some concepts and paragraphs could, but he was seeking appointment to multiple academies, and each asked different questions. Same with the MOC 's. I say it's best just to be thoughtful and keep sentences clear and to the point. I was a law review editor a hundred years ago, and now am a judge who reads briefs. I can tell you, people who read these things don't want to read a sentence twice in order to understand what you are saying. But on the other hand, style is important too. Its nice to leave an impression that you have the ability to write. So if you can, flaunt it. If not, have someone who can review it and suggest improvements.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2016
  12. luke_715

    luke_715 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2016
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    1
    How's this:

    Attending one of America’s Service Academies is an honor in itself. The tradition and commitment to excellency behind the Service Academies would make any student proud to attend. Many short and long term benefits come along with that experience. The nation's Service academies are amongst the highest Rated colleges and universities nationwide. The education offered by the academies will not only carry on into a student’s military career, but their civilian life as well.


    For many, such as myself, one of the foremost reasons for wanting to attend one of the Service Academies is simply to serve. Since early on, I have longed to become part of our nation's military. I wanted to give back to the world we live in. I wanted to make a difference in the world for the benefit of man. But most importantly, I wanted to preserve the proud history and bright future of the country I am proud to call my home.


    Perhaps the one aspect that truly separates the Service Academies from ordinary colleges and universities is leadership. Many notable leaders have been alumni of the Service Academies from Ulysses Grant to Keenan Reynolds. Individuals such as them and myself had or have a strong desire to lead. The leadership skills the Service Academy graduates inherit not only carry on into their military careers, but into their civilian lives as well.
     
  13. brovol

    brovol Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2015
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    555
    Hmmm....... where do we start.....

    First, you have some grammar issues, as well as a few areas which are challenging stylistically. Without question you should take it to an AP English teacher, or a very capable writer to help clean it up. I have to be honest and say that I would put a lot of red ink on your draft, but I shouldn't be the one to do that.

    Referencing some of the leaders who graduated from the academies is good, naming Keenan Reynolds as one of them isn't. Great qb, great guy, great representative of USNA, but there are so many legendary SA grads you could mention, why cite a football player?

    The essay need some work. Keep reworking.
     
    FutureCadet12 likes this.

Share This Page