NROTC Essay help needed!

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Jane22, Jul 6, 2013.

  1. Jane22

    Jane22 New Member

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    I am currently in the process of applying for a NROTC scholarship and I needed some tips and advise on the essay portion. i have written the first one which asks " Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer." and this is what I have:
    Becoming an Officer in the Navy can be both rewarding and exciting. Officers in the Navy have many opportunities to serve the country and become leaders in the United States Navy.
    I am interested in becoming a naval officer because I have an interest in pursuing a career of service. I believe that this opportunity is an important step in this direction. Pursuing a career in the Navy is something that interests me because it is one of most rewarding career paths around today. It teaches discipline, strong moral standing, as well as a sense of devotion to duty and selflessness. Regardless of what I decide to do later in my life, becoming a Naval Officer would be a valuable experience that would establish strong moral values as well as physical and mental discipline.
    I also believe that becoming a Naval Officer would be a great opportunity for me because I would be able to utilize my interest in math and science as well as my leadership skills in challenging situations that would benefit my country. I am interested in challenging myself both physically and mentally in ways that would be beneficial to the United States Navy as well as the rest of the country.
    I have been inspired to do this by my father who went through the Naval ROTC scholarship program and served as a lieutenant and my grandfather who was a senior chief in the navy. I look up to these people and the things that they have accomplished. By looking at my family and the impact that the decision to join the Navy has had on them I can see the benefits, both mentally and physically, that taking the challenge of joining the military can offer.
    The main reason that I want to become a Naval Officer is that I want to lead and to be able to set an example to others. I want to be someone that others can look up to. I want to be able to be someone who reflects the core values of honor, respect, and devotion to duty and who can use their skills and experiences to serve their country.

    Any constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated!
     
  2. kinnem

    kinnem Moderator

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    Well, I generally don't like commenting on these things, and I certainly won't do any "editing", but here goes.

    Maybe talk more about why you think it will be rewarding. I know you mention some things, and they are valid, but perhaps a little more from the heart instead of the head (JMPO). Why do you want to set an example to others? What does leadership mean to you?

    Also, you talk a lot about what the Navy can do for you. What can YOU do for the Navy? What is it that you bring to the table that they will really want to have?

    I guess bottom line is you want your essay to set you apart from others and explain why they should give YOU a scholarship. Personally, I think the best way is to be a little more vulnerable, if you will, and really speak from your heart. Look deeper.

    Good luck with you application. Hope it all works out for you. Sounds like Dad and Gramps are real inspirations. :thumb:
     
  3. Dixieland

    Dixieland Member

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    I agree with "writing from the heart and not the head." It has lots of promise but to me, it's very similar to how one would answer a prompt on a standardized writing test. They want to peep into your soul, not read another essay just like the 1000+ essays they read before yours. Set yourself apart.

    Also....proofread so you don't mix up words like "advise" and "advice."
     
  4. EDelahanty

    EDelahanty Member

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    Sent you some comments as a PM. Your essay has potential but needs work.
     

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