NROTC essay introduction?

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by Swampertness, May 26, 2015.

  1. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    I'm still working on this. I feel like I am not a good writer, so I'm asking you guys for suggestions on my introduction to "Why do you want to become a naval officer?

    The goal of becoming a Naval Officer had given me direction, and a path to take out of the many roads life provides. I am aware of the challenges this career may provide, but I am also willing to demand myself to reach the respectable and stable occupation. To me, being part of the navy is a honorable goal that would shape me mentally and physically, while keeping a stable career that I hope would last until retirement. There are also few individuals who can boast that they have resided in the career of their passions, and I hope that I can be one of them.

    I know it's really brief, but the navy would be reading thousands of these, so is it better to keep things short?
     
  2. nofodad

    nofodad Member

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    I'm no essay expert...but it's been said before on this forum that your essay should set you apart, be memorable, what's different about you? I'm not getting that with these few sentences. You mention a stable and honorable career, and then throw in passion towards the end, if you're really passionate about this maybe you should lead with that, and tell the reader why.
     
  3. WorkforJesus

    WorkforJesus Member

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    I had to write an essay with a similar prompt for Army ROTC, I can PM you my essay if you would like to see it.
     
  4. kinnem

    kinnem Moderator

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    This needs to be OP's essay, not yours.
     
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  5. USMCGrunt

    USMCGrunt Member

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    The essay needs to be yours. If you don't feel you are a strong writer, then write a draft and then get input from lots of different sources (teachers, parents, veterans, etc). This forum is not the place to post your draft - its too public, lives on the internet forever, etc.

    I do want address the question you closed with. This is your chance to tell them who you are, what makes you unique and why you want to be a Naval Officer. You are given a maximum length (500 words??). You need to write enough to state your case uniquely and convincingly and not worry about the Navy having to read too many essays.
     
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  6. Sigma4

    Sigma4 New Member

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    Hey Swampertness! I received a 4 Year Tier 3 NROTC scholarship this year and I think I can help (Although previous posters have also given you great advice).

    My first tip, begin with a hook. ROTC essays are essentially sales pitches, but instead of selling a product you are selling yourself. In addition to answering the question "Why do I want to become an officer?" you also have to state why you are uniquely qualified to become an officer. What are you bringing to the table? What are your values? What experiences have shaped your desire to become an officer?

    Secondly, pick a central theme/experience to guide the essay. It will create cohesion and allow the essay to flow more naturally.

    Lastly, check for typos (e.g. Navy should be capitalized) and read the essay out loud, before sending it to others to proofread. Some of the sentences in your intro sounded a little awkward. For instance, you begin with "The goal of becoming a Naval Officer had given me direction." Change the "had" to "has." Also, another tip is to simplify your word choice to make the writing more concise. Instead of saying, "this goal has given me direction throughout high school" you could also say "my goal has guided me throughout high school."

    I hope that helps and best of luck during the application process!
     
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  7. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    Thanks a lot.
     
  8. SASIALO

    SASIALO Member

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    Agree with Sigma4. You have to have a central theme. Most importantly, what you write has to display a passion and desire that distinguishes you. For his TASSP essay my DS talked about the experience he had growing up in a military family and the struggles of having to adapt to a transient lifestyle bouncing from duty station to duty station. At each step along the way he relayed how his experience shaped his desire to become an AF officer. His theme was not unique, but the humorous anecdotes, quotes, and life history he threaded through the essay gave it a life of its own. That's the key.
     
  9. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I agree with others that this needs to be theirs, not yours.

    I also have a different take on asking here.

    This is an anonymous forum. You do not know their academic background. I have seen so many kids that are candidates too responding with, sure shoot me a PM and I will read it. Now, I am not inferring they were going to lift your essay, but I am going to say it is like the blind leading the blind.

    Take it to your AP/IB/HONORS English teacher. If you are applying to USNA ask your BGO to review it. These are people that read essays for college all the time.
     
  10. WorkforJesus

    WorkforJesus Member

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    I apologize for my earlier comment, I just wanted to help give you some ideas, but I probably didn't state it in the best way. My apologies to everyone. Thanks for understanding!
     
  11. Swampertness

    Swampertness Member

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    no problem thanks for helping.
     

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