Thanksgiving Dilemma

Discussion in 'Service Academy Parents' started by xsurfer, Oct 16, 2009.

  1. xsurfer

    xsurfer Parent

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    Our AFA 4th class cadet will be returning home for Thanksgiving, but wants to sleep at his girlfriend's house and visit us during the day. Then he informed us that he could only come home if we pay for the airfare because he just spent all of his money on flying her out there for a weekend. We always assumed we would pay for his airfare home, but then again we always assumed he'd be staying with us. What are reasonable expectations from both a monetary standpoint as well as where he sleeps?
     
  2. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom Member

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    It's up to you. As a parent, I would have no qualms in making a deal. I pay your airfare, you sleep at my house. If he wants to stay with the gf he can get her to pay his airfare. If he doesn't like that deal he would be welcome to spend Thanksgiving in Colorado Springs.
     
  3. mnolan

    mnolan Parent

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    Thanksgiving

    I assume that you both live in the same town or nearby? Anyhow...you asked for opinions.....and I will give you mine.

    I have always believed that college students are adults and I can no longer make moral decisions for them....they make their own. But I also firmly believe that I don't have to pay $$ for decisions I don't agree with.

    If they want to pay their own airfare, they can go anywhere they want (but their decision could affect future funding as well). If they want me to pay for something, they follow my rules. And my rule for Thanksgiving would be....it's a family holiday, and if I'm paying the airfare you will stay with family.....you can always visit GF during the holiday period, but you will stay with us.

    Hope it works out and you have a nice holiday. :smile:
     
  4. America's Finest

    America's Finest USMA Cadet

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    He should pay for his own airfare if he wants to stay with his girlfriend. If you are paying for his transportation then he needs to follow your rules and stay with you. It would be completely ungrateful otherwise. Especially since Thanksgiving is a family holiday.

    It seems this scenerio is common among 4th class cadets.
     
  5. Mindy G

    Mindy G Member

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    I agree with the previous post...my money, my rules. Decisions have consequences. That being said I know it is easier to say than do.
     
  6. mmb5

    mmb5 Member

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    Devil's advocate here:
    at a civilian college,(i) I would be paying tuition, and (ii) son would have the opportunity to get a job and earn cash if he wanted it. I still agree with bottom line, but not on economics. Any thoughts? How else have parents dealt with the cash issue?
     
  7. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom Member

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    mmb5 - I would have the same rule for my kids who attend a civilian college. In fact, they do work but have little disposable income because they have to help pay their expenses as do many other college students.
    Many first year academy students have some money in the bank - from graduation, working during high school etc. They also have their monthly paycheck -which isn't much. In any case, it's all about priorities and how they want to spend their money.
    Learning money management is a part of growing up.
     
  8. 2011's Mom

    2011's Mom Parent

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    I don't want to jump to conclusions because often in a forum it's not as cut and dry as it might appear. That said, I think it is somewhat presumptuous of him to assume you would pay his flight even though he'd stay with her. And as you phrased it, "then he informed us that he could only come home if we pay for the airfare because ...". Again, knowing that things don't always come across in a forum exactly right, it kinda sounds like he's giving you an ultimatum, 'pay the way AND let me stay with gf or I won't come home at all'... If it's as I am interpreting it, I'd carefully consider my next action. Out of the box thinking... maybe spend Thanksgiving in Colorado? It'd cost bunches more $$ but he's not controlling you that way. To me, the issue is not quite as much that he is staying with her while you pay, but rather the apparent attitude that is going with it, telling vs. asking. Realize that the gf (and son) want him to come home too. Calling his bluff is an option as well. Christmas is right around the corner - what happens then? Will this establish a precedent for future visits home as well?

    Again, I know sometimes things don't come across exactly as intended on a forum so it is possible that I am way off base with his intent. If so, we're back to the other issues (monetary etc). By the way, is the gf in the same town as you? Is she living on her own or still with her folks?
     
  9. xsurfer

    xsurfer Parent

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    A couple of you have asked if GF is in the same town and she is ... only about 15 minutes away. Again, we always assumed we would pay for him to come home (especially since we don't have to pay for his education), but he really threw us for a loop when he said he was sleeping at her house. The GF lives with her mother who apparently has no problem with them sharing a bed, so now we are seriously in contrast to another family who has never implemented boundaries and we look extremely restrictive to him. Oh well. I told him we are still the same two people we were before ... the only difference now is what we are being compared with. With regards to our parenting style and boundaries we set, he told me "You think you are so normal, but you are so not." So, really that was why I posted this thread, because I wanted input from others about exactly where I fall with regard to the norm.

    He's now 18 and seriously wants to be 100% independent, but managed his money poorly and IS asking for help (therefore, not quite at 100% yet). I think he thought that the part about being 18 meant "no more rules ... no matter what."

    I guess the real issue here is that I was hurt that he wanted to come to town, but not stay at home. It becomes not only a moral issue for me, but one of family values as well.
     
  10. jennyp

    jennyp Parent

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    Stick to your guns. You are normal. It is not ok for him to expect you to pay his way home so he can sleep with his girlfriend. Her parent(s) are just plain stupid.

    Of course you are hurt. You'll be more hurt if she winds up pregnant, which would mean he is not eligible to be at USXA. If 18 means no rules at all, then it means no help at all, too! Hang in there!
     
  11. PositiveThinking

    PositiveThinking Member

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    xsurfer - I think your expectations definitely fall within the "normal " range, and I'm willing to bet you are a far better than normal parent. There's still a month left until Thanksgiving, and I hope your son will come to his senses! :rolleyes:
     
  12. Just_A_Mom

    Just_A_Mom Member

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    Forgive me but this made me chuckle.
    Rest assured you are normal.

    Remember when he was born and everyone said you were gonna be a parent for the next 18 years? haha. it goes on a lot longer than that!
    Parenting college age kids can be just as challenging as parenting high school kids.
    These are challenging times and they will get better as he and you adjust to his new independence and your continuation of your rules.

    Of course he hurt your feelings, and you should tell him so. Understand as well that he is finding his way as an adult and trying to test the waters and see what he can get away with. Good Luck-
     
  13. GoNavyMom

    GoNavyMom Member

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    I agree with all that is said but just to prove parents and kids don't change,

    More than 30 years ago my cousin was at West Point. His parents phone would ring with a request from an operator asking if his parents would accept a collect call. My aunt would say yes and anxiously wait on the phone for my cousin to come on the line but he never did. He was calling his girl friend and charging the calls to home.

    GoNavyMom
     
  14. SinuinyKinc

    SinuinyKinc New Member

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    It is a pity, that now I can not express - it is compelled to leave. I will be released - I will necessarily express the opinion.
     
  15. jennyp

    jennyp Parent

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    huh???:confused:
     
  16. jennyp

    jennyp Parent

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    Somebody enlighten me please. Was that post from two posts ago spam? Or what?
     
  17. America's Finest

    America's Finest USMA Cadet

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    What? :confused:
     
  18. time2

    time2 Member

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    It was that person's first post and their profile shows they just recently joined. I wouldn't call it spam, but the grammar is all jumbled, so I have no idea what they intended to say.
     
  19. pbell

    pbell Member

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    Thanksgiving Release and Return Times????

    I know I'm really ahead of myself, but I have a friend who wants to fly our son (plebe) back out to CA for Thanksgiving. When do mids get released for Thanksgiving on Wednesday and when do they need to be back on Sunday? I'd really appreciate some input on this. :thumb:
     
  20. GoNavyMom

    GoNavyMom Member

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    Hi,

    In 2009, it was after the last military obligation on the Wednesday before turkey day and the mids had to be back at 6 p.m. on the Sunday after.

    My daughter finished with her obligations at around noon and was on a 2 p.m. train.

    GoNavyMom
     

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