The Cold War as a Bar Fight

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by usafa2022, Mar 12, 2015.

  1. usafa2022

    usafa2022 Member

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    Hey everyone, I just thought I'd share this with the SAF crowd because it's pretty hilarious.

    http://www.tentimesone.com/if-world-war-one-was-a-bar-fight/
    http://www.tentimesone.com/if-world-war-two-was-a-bar-fight/

    This is taking all the countries from both world wars and personifying them in a bar fight setting. I thought it was really funny, so I wrote a similar thing (essay, I guess?) about the Cold War. Why? Because I was bored and had nothing better to do then use the Off Topic forum!

    It starts right after WWII ends:


    As Germany, Japan, and Italy lie unconscious on the floor of the bar, America and Russia get up and dust themselves off. They exchange a sympathetic glance as they look around at the utterly destroyed bar. As the two giants go through the other belligerents’ pockets, they start to argue about who should get what. Just then, North Korea, North Vietnam, South Korea, and South Vietnam walk into the bar and ask Russia and America what the hell is going on. When Russia and America explain what happened and their predicament about sharing the spoils, North Korea and North Vietnam agree to hang out with Russia sometimes and stick up for them if they need to. South Vietnam and South Korea agree to do the same for America. They all go back to separate tables, Russia at the head of one and America at the head of another, and start quietly trash talking each other while casting suspicious glances across the room.

    Both sides start working out and spend a lot of time getting buff to intimidate the others. Poland, Czechoslovakia, Romania, and Hungary start hanging out with Russia a lot, and America becomes good friends with Britain, Australia, France, and a few others. Both sides are terrified because they know they are both carrying sawn-off shotguns in their jackets and could blow each other away, so they keep buying bigger and bigger ones to intimidate the others. (continued)
     
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  2. usafa2022

    usafa2022 Member

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    North Korea finally decides it has had enough of South Korea, so North Korea sneaks up and smashes a beer bottle over South Korea’s head. South Korea, dazed at first, asks America for help, so America comes over and repeatedly punches North Korea in the face until he is on the floor. China, who had been hanging out at the Russian table recently, decides to step in and hits both South Korea and America with a pool cue. Extremely pissed, America flashes a large shotgun at China, who responds by showing a slightly smaller gun. Russia, still sitting at the table, fiddles with an even larger weapon while trying to look uninvolved. China and North Korea agree to back off as long as America promises not to fire the gun at them, and America agrees. Both sides sit down at their tables and start trash talking each other again.

    North Vietnam, inspired by North Korea, decides to try and impress Russia and throws several beer bottles at South Vietnam while he’s not paying attention. America tells North Vietnam to stop, but the bottles keep hitting South Korea. America decides that the morally right thing to do is to stand up for South Vietnam, so he jumps in front of a pool ball thrown by North Vietnam and acts like it was intended for him. America then rolls up his sleeves and punches North Vietnam multiple times while getting hit back almost as hard. Russia then hands North Vietnam a pair of brass knuckles, which North Vietnam uses to punch America in the crotch. America then retreats to a corner of the bar and starts arguing with himself about whether or not to continue. After losing several more teeth to North Vietnam, America finally decides to give up, so North Vietnam beats up South Vietnam so bad that he runs out the door cursing America for not helping out. Nobody saw South Vietnam again after that. (continued)
     
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  3. usafa2022

    usafa2022 Member

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    America returns to the table with Germany, Canada, Britain, and a few others wearing a peace sign on a necklace and drinking tea while smoking a blunt. The others wonder what the hell is going on with America, but then decide they better not question him because he gives them steroid pills that make them look buff and help them intimidate Russia.

    Meanwhile, Russia is suspiciously eyeing Afghanistan, who came in for a beer after his low-wage shift at the sand mine and is sitting quietly at the bar with his best friend Mujahideen. Russia comes over and asks Afghanistan to come sit at the table with Poland, Romania, Czechoslovakia, and the others, but Afghanistan refuses. So Russia gets out some brass knuckles and knocks Afghanistan out cold, then tries to drag him to the table. America notices from across the room and is not pleased, but simply mutters something about not getting involved in another brawl and slips a switchblade to Mujahideen, who had been unsuccessfully trying to pull Russia off Afghanistan. Mujahideen slashes Russia in the face with the knife, so Russia decides he has had enough and stumbles back to the table, leaving Afghanistan and Mujahideen to recover from their wounds. (continued)
     
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  4. usafa2022

    usafa2022 Member

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    Meanwhile, Russia’s old buddies are starting to get frustrated by Russia’s obsession with power and his habit of trying to control them, so they start arguing with Russia. Russia responds by punching Lithuania and Estonia, who he thought were among his best friends, in the face. But that only makes the others angrier, and eventually they all jump on Russia and smash a bar stool very hard over his head. Russia is now laying on the floor in a coma, so the others decide to start hanging out with America and his clique at the other table, leaving China, North Vietnam (who changed his name to Vietnam after South Vietnam left town), and North Korea feeling very depressed at the old Russia clique’s table.

    Slowly, Russia starts to get up from the floor, badly wounded but deeply pissed off. The other table, including Russia’s former friends, starts acting suspicious towards Russia as he regains his strength. After all, both sides still have those massive shotguns in their jackets. When Russia sees his old friend Ukraine sitting at the other table, though, he gets so angry that he sulks over to Novarossiya, who had just entered the bar. Russia asks Novarossiya to step into the old feud even though he is new in town, but Novarossiya agrees and “accidentally” spills a pint of beer all over Ukraine.
    (NOTE: Novarossiya is the collective name for some of the Ukrainian pro-Russian rebel groups in existence right now)
     
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  5. usafa2022

    usafa2022 Member

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    Ukraine is angry and shoves Novarossiya to the ground, but Novarossiya gets up and punches Ukraine right in the nose. An all-out brawl ensues, and Russia starts slips empty vodka bottles and pool cues to Novarossiya, who uses them to fight Ukraine to a stalemate. Russia also habitually sneaks in a kick or two at Ukraine’s knees when the others aren’t looking. America and some of the former members of Russia’s clique jump up and start yelling cuss words at Russia and Novarossiya, but Russia and Novarossiya ignore them and deny they are doing anything wrong.

    I guess time will tell how this part of the story ends....
     
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  6. TASheehan

    TASheehan Banned

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    Entertaining read - thx for sharing!
     
  7. LawyerLynn

    LawyerLynn Just a dad

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  8. LawyerLynn

    LawyerLynn Just a dad

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    I think this leaves out the part that says "while everyone was paying attention to North Korea, Cuba wandered from the American table over to the Russian table and offered them a cigar. Russia said "cool, have a seat." Cuba sat down and started to talk with Russia and they became BFF's immediately. Just as the fight with North Korea ended Russia tried to slip Cuba a small shotgun under the table. America saw it and quickly ran over and kicked the gun out of Cuba's hands, but let Russia pick it back up. Russia said "it's cool bro it was just an accident," but made Cuba sit at the other end of the table from then on."
     
  9. scoutpilot

    scoutpilot Member

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    What in the heck?

    SAF probably isn't the place to be making posts about "smoking a blunt" and such.
     

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