USNA Personal Statement Draft

Discussion in 'Naval Academy - USNA' started by GilDmn, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    Hi everyone! I'm new here, so please bear with me. I'm finishing up my USNA Personal Statement and I'd appreciate any input. It's still a bit rough and I'm not entirely sure how I should conclude it. All suggestions and criticisms are appreciated. Thank you!

    1. Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
    2. Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

    **EDITED**
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2014
  2. USAF-RETIRED

    USAF-RETIRED Member

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    Start throwing a basketball. . .

    If your SAT scores and community involvement/leadership match your writing ability you should be a very strong candidate.
     
  3. mdn18

    mdn18 Member

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    I am not quite sure that you are answering the prompt...

    The essay does to a degree develop reasons for wanting to join naval service. Would you say you had a defining moment when you thought: "This is absolutely what I want to do, this is what I want." ?

    I think you could cut out the part of 9/11. Yes, it is important to you and others like myself, but for the sake of writing, I think you could start with Cub Scouts (being rewritten) or even your grandfather's funeral. If I was sitting on the Review Board at the Academy, I wouldn't be sure if your interest was from 9/11, Cub Scouts, your grandpa's funeral, or a combination of them all.

    I am not seeing really any long range goals talked about and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve them - just sort of that last sentence at the end. How will the Academy help you achieve your goals, and ALSO how will you help the Academy and naval service? How will you give back? What are your reasons for attending? It can take time to think about this...

    In my essay, I talked about my interest development, family member influences, and an important trip I took that more or less "sealed the deal" when contemplating military service. Then I talked about my reasons for wanting to attend the Naval Academy. Finally, I talked about a mission trip I took that contributed to my personal integrity. The Academy wants to see a bit of who you are. The essay is a great, if not only, time to talk to the Academy - this is your "sales pitch", although I hate putting it that way.

    Sorry if my suggestions sound snobby or whatever, just being honest (perhaps not even helpful :redface:) . I really did like the 3rd paragraph; was not expecting the final sentence in that one. Good luck.:thumb:
     
  4. cpanddj1

    cpanddj1 Member

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    Did you attend NASS or STEM? If so, be sure to include that as further motivation to attend the USNA.
     
  5. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    Thank you!

    My best ACT was a 28 and my GPA is 3.8/4.8. I think I have a good bit of community involvement & leadership (Eagle Scout w/ 4 palms, SG President, Model UN, NHS, 2 varsity sports, Florida Youth Volunteer of the Year). I just hope it's enough. Thank you for the feedback.
     
  6. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    I did not attend Stem or NASS
     
  7. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    MDN18:

    Very helpful. Thank you!!

    Gil
     
  8. mdn18

    mdn18 Member

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    Yep. Just keep in mind that I too am only a HS senior so my writing style/preferences are not perfect, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
     
  9. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    MDN18:

    Do you think the ambiguity in my interest could be fixed by simply stating something like "It was this combination of events which led to my pursuit of a naval career"?
     
  10. mdn18

    mdn18 Member

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    Hmmm...would I be correct to say that your grandpa was the main source of interest? As well as reading/research? I know mine definitely is (WWII vet). Visits to a military cemetery can be very powerful. You've been to Arlington, and I've been to the American Military Cemetery in Luxembourg.
     
  11. jbsail

    jbsail Member

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    yes
     
  12. jbsail

    jbsail Member

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    1. Most attendees of NASS and STEM don't go to an academy.

    2. A lot of the applicants (that get accepted) never attended a summer program!

    So many other things one can do in summer besides NASS dude. Just because one goes to NASS doesn't mean they are the right fit for an acceptance letter.
     
  13. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    Probably so, but the other events certainly played a role. Perhaps I could try something like this in the final paragraph:

    "There was no single experience—not the events on 9/11, in scouting, or at my grandfather's funeral—that led to my interest in naval service, but some combination thereof. However, after that Spring day in Arlington, I became intensely interested in the Navy. I learned everything..."
     
  14. jbsail

    jbsail Member

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    Gil,

    I like it. I'd go in and edit your 1st post, to delete it, so no one can copy it. Yeah, just put in something at beginning saying all had a hand...
     
  15. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    Okay, thank you!
     
  16. cpanddj1

    cpanddj1 Member

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    jbsail,

    These programs are designed to give prospective candidates a glimpse of what the Academy has to offer. My point was just simply to state (if applicable) that attendance to one of these programs further intrigued your interest.

    Obviously it isn't mandatory to attend a Summer program to gain an appointment.

    Not sure what your point was???????????????
     
  17. GilDmn

    GilDmn Member

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    Dear Administrator

    Administrator:

    Please enable me to delete this thread or edit my original post. I would like to prevent my work from being stolen.

    Thank you,

    Gil
     
  18. SuaSponte

    SuaSponte Member

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    Just a suggestion, it might be best to show this to an English teacher instead of candidates/others on here. They will probably be able to help you more as well as being able to preserve the confidentiality of your essay.
     
  19. BDHuff09

    BDHuff09 Member

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    I was just going to say something like this. You never know who could be reading (and copying) this essay now that it's online
     
  20. SuaSponte

    SuaSponte Member

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    Or trying to sabotage it :wink:

    I think the vast majority of this forum is above that though (if not all).
     

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