USNA Personal Statement suggestions

Discussion in 'Naval Academy - USNA' started by macgeneste, Aug 29, 2014.

  1. macgeneste

    macgeneste New Member

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    Hello,

    I am looking to get some additional advice on my personal statement and was hoping you guys could help.

    A little bit about me to help you guys out:

    My mom is American and my dad is French. I was born in London and currently have tri-citizenship (American, French, British) (I know I will have to revoke the French and British if I get an appointment). I attend a private high school in San Francisco which is taught completely in French (aside for English class and US History) and I will be taking the French Baccalaureate. While I am British by birth I have no British family (my mother was naturalized, allowing me to be British by birth). I moved to the United States when I was 1 so the US is my home.

    For activities: I have been sailing since I was 6 and still do today, however I no longer sail competitively.
    I have been fencing since I was 10 and still do fence (competitively).
    I am the ALPO at my Sea Cadet unit.
    I am a law enforcement cadet with the San Francisco Police Department.
    I am a civil air patrol cadet.

    _____________________________________


    here it is:

    (1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals

    I thoroughly enjoy working with a group of like-minded people, with a common goal that goes beyond profit and loss, desk and phone, 9-5. I treasure the experiences I have had working in and with a community of “brothers and sisters” dedicated to serving their community and their nation. The goals may be large or small, but the commitment to doing them well and doing them as a team for the benefit of others is what attracts me to a naval service career. The notion of service is not unknown to my family either. My great grand uncle graduated from Saint-Cyr, the foremost French military academy, and served in the pacification if western Africa as well as the First World War. In addition, my grandfather served in the French Free Forces, my other grandfather served in the US Merchant Marines, and Army, and my two great uncles served in the US Navy all during WWII. Lastly, my father served in the French Army. I mention this to demonstrate that service is something that comes naturally to my family. Like my relatives, I too am dedicated to service. Good service begins close to home. That is why I am actively involved in many programs and participate in community service projects in my area. For one, I serve as my local Sea Cadet unit’s Assistant Leading Petty Officer. In addition, I am a member of my local Civil Air Patrol Squadron, and lastly I have just graduated from the San Francisco Summer Law Enforcement Cadet Academy, a month long academy designed to teach young individuals how to become leaders and exposes them to service, more specifically law enforcement services. Not only do I want to serve and become a naval officer. The future individual that I see myself becoming is one of a great naval officer and to me the United States Naval Academy offers that exact opportunity, more so than any other path to become a naval officer.

    (2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

    A couple summers ago at a camp, the whole class visited a ropes course the first week we were there. No one was at a stage of being more than acquaintances with each other at the start of the day. By the end of the day however, everyone could say that they had just made 30 lifelong friends. Throughout the day, we were put through a number of courses which tested us as a group, whether it be helping each other over a 15-foot wall, or encouraging each other to continue on with the ropes course and overcome out fear of heights. This was the day that I finally recognized a change in the way I think. Before, I always thought that no matter what, I could do anything alone, however, after the course was complete, I realized how wrong I was. It takes a team to do anything right, a brotherhood like the US Navy. I have the enthusiasm, energy, and team commitment to impart the same spirit in those around me.

    I have a google drive link available if anyone prefers, however, I cannot post it because my post count is not 10 or greater.

    Thanks for the help, I really appreciate it.
     
  2. joelbradford525

    joelbradford525 Member

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    I don't know if you did it this way intentionally but it is only one essay 300-500 words

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  3. macgeneste

    macgeneste New Member

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    I just separated the two questions into two paragraphs. I am aware that it is one essay.
     
  4. joelbradford525

    joelbradford525 Member

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    It is very hard to critiques someone's essay. To be honest I don't know what you are looking for. you should have maybe a very close friend that is very good in literature. Or even your English teacher critique it for you maybe. I hope this helps.

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  5. usna1985

    usna1985 USNA Alumnus

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    There are two keys to the essay/personal statement -- these are GENERAL suggestions and NOT specific to the OP's essay. (As an aside -- and see below -- recommend the OP show the essay to a teacher, etc.).

    First, is it you talking? I've seen essays that are essentially written by a parent or other "adult." It's hard to explain, but a 17-yr-old, no matter how mature he/she might be, has a different outlook on life than someone a generation older. People who read lots and lots of essays (like Admissions departments) can generally spot that. So, make sure you write it yourself.

    Second, is it well-written? Are spelling and grammar correct? Do you use complete sentences? Can you organize your thoughts coherently? Have someone -- a parent or an English teacher, for example -- read over your essay for this purpose.

    Beyond that, DO NOT stress about your essay. Every year, USNA reads ~10,000 answers to the same questions. The chances of yours being somehow unique are small -- and, besides, they're not looking for unique. They're looking for you to address the questions in a competent manner.

    Write it from the heart, have someone look it over (NOT rewrite it for you) and send it in.
     

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