WHY I WANT TO BE AN ARMY OFFICER (ESSAY REVISED, WORKING PROGRESS)

I suggest you follow Zero's advice about tutor.com/military.
 
Just realized I did not use the correct term "past"....and I am missing the "In"...ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Please go to that website, almost every sentence starts with "I". It is looking better but it needs some serious work. Just my opinion.
 
Think of different ways to start those sentences 1/2 mixed in should do the trick. You can always repost what you have once you make revisions.
 
I was reading it after you made the comment and I reworded most of the sentences.



I first considered joining the army as a young, undocumented, and homeless teen. It was 2004, during my attendance at the Borough of Manhattan Community College. Walking past the recruiting station located on Chambers Street, I would think to myself “I am going to join the army one day.” In August of 2011, I joined the army. I wanted to show my appreciation to our great nation by doing something great; today, I would like the opportunity to do something even greater. While serving my country as an enlisted soldier has been fundamentally rewarding, I am ready to lead from the front. I would love the opportunity to help promote an environment that fosters good moral judgment, positivity, team building, and personnel interactions amongst our future soldiers.
 
Can you take your essay to the local education center on post and see if someone there can help? Sitting down face to face and talking through errors can be helpful for some.

Pima, PMS's are O5's, not O3's. There are Assistant PMS's (the individual instructors) that are usually senior O3's and junior O4's. Your point about age is valid, though there are age variations amongst many ranks so it's just something you put up with if that's the route you wanna go.
 
Ok, so I did a lot of cutting and editing. This is what I am left with, and I think the final draft speaks true to how I feel.


WHY I WANT TO BE AN ARMY OFFICER



It was 2004, while walking past a recruiting station, I thought to myself, “I am going to join the army one day.” In August of 2011, I joined the army. I wanted to show my appreciation to our great nation by doing something great; today, I would like the opportunity to do something even greater. While serving my country as an enlisted soldier has been fundamentally rewarding, I am ready to lead from the front. I would love the opportunity to help promote an environment that fosters good moral judgment, positivity, and team-building amongst our future soldiers.


I believe I have a strong sense of leadership skills, but being a soldier has helped me realize what it means to lead. It is my belief that all soldiers are leaders, and to be a great officer one must be able to follow in order to lead. Being an enlisted soldier, there’s a great deal of knowledge that is learned through experience to gain leadership skills that an officer possesses. Officers are made and shaped by life and its many experiences. What makes officers great is how they use experiences to become better leaders, and how they apply that knowledge gained from their experiences to shape future leaders.


I believe we must love what we do to be successful at it. I love serving my country, but now I would love the opportunity to lead from the front. Life for me as a soldier and a civilian has been a lesson of great resilience and profound opportunities, from being homeless to becoming a member the U.S. Army. When asked why I would like to be an army officer, the answer is simple. I want to be a member of an elite few, who makes decisions, and implement plans and policies that guide all soldiers. There is no greater purpose in life than to serve. It takes great leaders to pool the strengths of others, and to that I feel called. This is by far the most selfless act I can do for the comfort of freedom.
 
I like it. Just one correction.... to becoming a member the U.S. Army. should be to becoming a member of the U.S. Army.
 
I like it. Just one correction.... to becoming a member the U.S. Army. should be to becoming a member of the U.S. Army.


That's a typo, most likely from when I was deleting and changing the wording. I really appreciate all the comments and advice.
 
Only read the first 2 sentences but...

In 2004 while I was walking past a recruiting station I thought to myself (technically could comma here if you really want to) “I am going to join the army one day.” Not long after in August of 2011 I joined the Army (or say I joined the army in August of 2011).

Lots of unneeded verbal pauses (commas). Just a thought. Remember the first few sentences set the tone and impression of the entire letter. So if your going to a work on an area to perfection that's where to start.
 
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