Why I want to be an Officer (essay ROTC)

Discussion in 'ROTC' started by Kashaka, Aug 19, 2015.

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  1. Kashaka

    Kashaka Member

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    My essay for my ROTC application please feel free to let me know what can be done to improve on what I have already written, be it grammar or anything else. Thank yo in advace to any and everyone who will contribute.



    WHY I WANT TO BE AN ARMY OFFICER​

    The first time I considered joining the Army was approximately three years after September 11th, 2001. I was a homeless teen who was also an undocumented immigrant in court proceedings trying to adjust my status. It was 2004 during my attendance at the Borough of Manhattan Community College; I would walk pass the recruiting station located on Chambers Street thinking to myself “as god as my witness, when I become a legal resident of the United States of America I am going to join the army because it’s the least I can do to say thank you”. It was the least I could do for my family and the country that has allowed me to live in free will. It is my belief that it is everyone’s responsibility to serve his or her country in some shape or form and even though at the time I was not yet considered a resident of our great nation much less an American, I knew in my heart that serving in the army was what I wanted to do.

    I remember it like it was yesterday, the year was 2008; there I was opening my mail and to my surprise I had finally received a letter containing my Resident Alien Card also known as the “Green Card”. By then I was residing in Brooklyn, New York so I decided to head to the nearest army recruiting station, that is where I met my recruiter Staff Sergeant Eric Long. It took me three long years to get into the Army, during those three years I would part take in physical training at the Fort Hamilton Army base. I was excited and ready to train and become a part of something bigger than myself, I would meet people and as soon as they ask me “what do you do?” I’d respond by saying “ I’m a future Soldier”. It was the greatest feeling ever, I wanted to be so much a part of the Army, so much so that I got my sister Karla Bedeau, and two other friends Erick Williams and Durrell Dawson to enlist into the service all before I entered Basic Combat Training.

    I’ve always believe that I had a strong sense of leadership skills but being a Soldier has truly help me realize what it means to be a true leader. Although I am currently a Specialist without any soldiers my peers always look to me for guidance and to speak on their behalf when issues arrive in both their Soldier life and private life. It is my belief that all soldiers in the Army are leaders and that in order for anyone to be a great leader they must also be able follow directions. Being an enlisted Soldier there’s a great deal of knowledge that is learned through experience in order to gain leadership skills. To me being a great leader also means that one must also be a great follower and being an enlisted Soldier for the last four years have had a positive impact even more so on that belief. When others hear me make this statement there’s always a reaction that seems to be negative but I always remind them that leaders are not born they are made; leaders are made and shaped by life and its many experiences. What makes a great leader is how he or she uses their experiences to become better leaders and how they apply that knowledge gained from their experiences to shape future leaders.

    I’ve always believed that one must truly love doing what they do in life in order to be successful at it, be it cleaning the sewer or be it leading a nation. I love serving my country but now I would love the opportunity to lead from the front. Life for me as a soldier and a civilian has been a lesson of great resilience and profound opportunities from being homeless to becoming a member of the greatest family of one in the world the United States Army. So when asked why is it I would like to become an Officer in the Army? Ultimately my answer is simple. Why wouldn't I want to be a member of an elite few, a member of the most valuable one percentile? Why would I not want to be a leading member of the greatest Army in the greatest nation the world have ever seen and will ever see? There’s no greater purpose in life than to serve ones people, family and country. It is the least I myself or anyone else can do for the comfort of freedom.
     
  2. Roxane

    Roxane Member

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    I wasn't able to send personal message to you. Perhaps you might consider having a tutor or the local librarian to review your essay. There are
    several sentence structure concerns, capitalization or non capitalization of words is inconsistent, and I would not use a persons name. You could reference someone in your essay simply by title- recruiter, sister, for friend. Your compassion, history, and resilience is admirable. Stay focused and I'm sure the end result will be a great essay.
     
  3. Pima

    Pima Parent

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    I agree. Find somebody that can assist you in editing.
    For example:
    1. I remember it like it was yesterday, the year was 2008; there I was opening my mail and to my surprise I had finally received a letter containing my Resident Alien Card also known as the “Green Card”.
    ~ Note my bolds, in one sentence you have a total of 6 I and my.
    2. It was the greatest feeling ever, I wanted to be so much a part of the Army, so much so that I got my sister Karla Bedeau, and two other friends Erick Williams and Durrell Dawson to enlist into the service all before I entered Basic Combat Training.
    ~ Read it just like that. Does it not feel awkward? It was the greatest feeling ever, feels like it should have been part of the previous sentence, not the start of a new one because it feels disjointed.
    3. I’ve always believe that I had a strong sense of leadership skills but being a Soldier has truly help me realize what it means to be a true leader.
    ~ You are missing a comma in that sentence. The rule of thumb is, a comma is placed where you would take a breath. There should be a comma before the word but. You do this with every sentence that included the word "but".

    I think it is a strong essay, but I feel it needs a lot of editing from a grammatical aspect.
     
  4. Kashaka

    Kashaka Member

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    I'm working on it. To be honest I've never actually taken English in school (not the grammar part anyway). It's a very long story but, I will be taking it next semester. I speak it but, I am terrible at writing it.
     
  5. EDelahanty

    EDelahanty Member

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    The essay has some good features, and yours is a compelling story. You were born in another country, you are serving in the US military, you are 26 or 27 years old, and you believe you have leadership capability.

    Some minor points. When you start and end your essay with the phrase "It's the least I can do...." a reader could conclude you may too focused on the least you can do. There is a better way to get your point across.

    I have never seen the phrase "as god as my witness". If you insist on using this particular cliche, get it right.

    Why bring up September 11, 2001 since you did not think of joining the Army until three years later?
     
  6. Kashaka

    Kashaka Member

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    EDelahanty, I've already taken those parts out but if you'd like to know why I mentioned 9/11, it is because I was there. And while I may have considered joining the military after 9/11, it was also part of my reasons. And if you are going to respond to someone whom you do not know from a hole in the wall, try not to insult them. We are here for well structured advice and reviews not insults. Thank You!
     
  7. Stealth_81

    Stealth_81 Super Moderator Moderator Founding Member

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    So, you come to an Internet forum asking for a critique of your essay from strangers. These strangers give you a critique, and then you say they can't criticize your incorrect wording because they don't know you?

    It might be a good time to check the attitude.

    Also, please refrain from starting a new thread for each revision of your essay.

    Stealth_81
     
  8. Kashaka

    Kashaka Member

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    There's a difference between a critique and an insult. Also I don't have an attitude, but thank you for the suggestion.
     
  9. kinnem

    kinnem Moderator

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