Why I'm Not There Anymore

[AquaRain]

Thank you "One Love" for making me realize this. I have to own my mistake. No one else can do that but me so here it is.

It's a long story. I'm sure for anyone who read my last post before it was pulled, someone has told you their version of it. I promise I'm not a bad person or pathetic or other things I've been called or that you may hear or have heard. I made a mistake. A huge mistake that cost me the Academy because I lied about my height on a weigh ins. There I said it. Is everyone happy now? I lied I made a choice to lie over and over because I thought I wasn't good enough. Nothing I did was right. My company officer made me come back early from winter break because he thought I was stupid. I thought I was stupid. He said I needed to study more even though for once I had over a 2.0. For once in my Midshipman career, I worked my butt of academically and it paid off. Actually a 2.2 overall QPR, and a 3.0 in my English degree. No Ac Board, but what does that matter.This one time in my life where I was actually successful, I got pushed down.Between that and being stressed I lost it. I was angry and mad. I felt like no one wanted to help me and everyone wanted to see me fail. I wanted to belong. So I took the cowards way out. I lied a lot. I still did work outs, I still ate healthy for most of the time and yeah some weight came off but it was never enough in my mind. It seemed easier to lie. To say I was taller than I was. It was wrong, I admit I was wrong. I take ownership of the wrong I did. It's not anyone's fault but my own and I take full responsibility and ownership. As for the sexual assaults that happened to me, they did happen. I ignored the first one for 2.5 years until an upper lass used me for 'favors' when it came to helping me with history homework and navigation homework. I should have seen it coming both times. But I was young and naive. But that doesn't mean that I deserved it. A lot of people think I'm lying about that. I'm not. The SAPRO said "it would ruin his career" when I tried to report it. Another NAPSter tried to rape me and his career was more important than my sanity. How is that ok? It's not. It's not ok. In leaving the Academy, I learned that. The hard way. The painful way. I fell down so hard. Completely hit rock bottom, it was the only way to get back up. So I'm getting back up, slowly but steadily. I'm back at home with my parents who still love me, despite my past and my anger. I know sorry will never be enough but I'm trying. Trying to heal and let go of the pain. I'm at a new school, a better school that fits me. My grades are as good as they were in high school. Finally a 3.55 as something I couldn't be at USNA. A Secondary Education and English major and a double minor in Theater and Creative Writing. I did something I am not proud of. No one is perfect but I have to live with it. Time never stops. I have to live with the fact that I should have done better and I could have done better but I can't go back. I have to move forward and heal the wounds I've caused. I can never undo the hurt I've caused but maybe, just maybe I can take away some of the pain.

 

[jbsail]

Hey Aqua, No worries. Yes, you cheated and it was wrong, learn from it. Know that others cheat and get kicked out too, if not they eventually get kicked out for something when on active duty.

Two of the posters, you know, and others shouldn't have bullied you on here, behind your back or to you're face. Yes you cheated, but they were unbecoming of an officer. You're post will help some high school kid in the future.

Sorry what happened, I am glad you got busted, just like I think we should turn in the cheaters from class for them to get kicked out. Better to leave now than get busted on active duty. Try to find peace with it and move on with a great life. You probably will have recurring thoughts and dreams about the USNA issue but just know when you do you can shrug it off, laugh, because you're better than 'it'. You will see it in the real world, just be better than what you did on the weight and academic issues, you don't have to lose your morals or cheat. Hey, that 1st girl at the Citadel Shannon something, google her and read about her time, she left too but got a degree from another school and now is happy in life teaching and married! Again, sorry for the others that did wrong.

 

[LongAgoPlebe]

This just makes me ache.

I think most around here know I voluntarily separated from USNA after my plebe year ('89-'90). Even over 20 years later, I still feel it was the right decision for me, even while really honoring that year in my life. Even though I KNEW by January that I would separate at the end of spring semester, and made plans accordingly to apply to the two colleges I wanted to attend and to transfer my credits, and left on pretty good terms (3.4 QPR, Supe's list), it was an unexpected shock in ways I never could have anticipated. The way I had it arranged in my mind, I was transferring from one school to another. Not even close.

I missed everything, and I missed some crazy things that I hated, like reveille, all the formations, squad murderball, the absolutely juvenile males making noise in the P-way. I missed having a reason to fold my underwear and stand up straight. I missed my buds who had my back no matter what, and like you, AquaRain, I missed belonging. I was unprepared that people in my pre-USNA life would consider it a disappointment that I left, even though I left under good terms and entered an excellent small liberal arts school that was a better fit for me, and continued to succeed academically and athletically. I would say it took me two years to make the adjustment after just a year at USNA. People who HAVEN'T left USxA for another school, whatever the reason, just do not get that it's so much more than transferring schools. We do, though.

Your post makes me ache. I'm not your counselor, and I am relieved to know you're seeing one, so I have no idea if my words will "go in" or be of any comfort or assurance. If there were three things I could throw at you and make stick, they would be, in no particular order:

1. Sorry IS enough, but it's not us or anyone else who needs it - it's you. Forgive yourself. Then do it again.
2. You have nothing to explain, justify, or defend with any other human being than yourself. You lied, but guess what? We all do. Everyone came home safe and no one died. Set phasers to ignore.
3. The pain dissipates. It gets better.

A whole bunch of us get it. You may feel terribly lonely, but you are not alone.

 

[AquaRain]

Thanks guys. Especially you jbsbail. Thanks for being human and realizing that I'm human. It means a lot. I'm glad I got busted too because now I'm living the life I should not trying to fit into somewhere where people like to push others down. As for the Honor System, if USNA kicked out everyone who ever cheated, that would be a A LOT of people. Would it make it better or worse? Hmmm...questions to ask at the next Honor Congress. I did look into Shannon Faulkner, the first girl who went to The Citadel. I actually go to the school next door to The Citadel (College of Charleston) and will probably go to The Citadel there for grad school my new goal is to become a Superintendent after becoming a high school English teacher and Principal.
LongAgoPlebe you bring up a lot of good points. It takes a while to adjust to normal life after USNA or any Service Academy if you leave or are separated. Some have a more difficult time than others and don't quite make it back. A Firstie who was separated my Plebe year has never gotten over it. He's now an alcoholic and drug addict who's been to rehab once but relapsed hardcore and is somewhere in Florida but no one really knows. I think if anything, there needs to be a group or something for separated mids/cadets. Like a guide that says, yes this does suck but this isn't the end. It is the beginning, sort of.