Would anybody like to proofread my Candidate Essay?

Discussion in 'Nominations' started by WannabeaMid, Dec 6, 2009.

  1. WannabeaMid

    WannabeaMid Prospective

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    Would anybody like to proofread my Candidate Essay? I would really like to know how it is.

    Assignment:
    On a separate sheet of paper, explaining in 250 words or less, why you would like to attend a service academy and why you are especially interested in the academy you have listed as your first preference.

    I am not really good at expressing how I feel in 250 words. I would like some serious feedback (positive or negative) on how to fix it or make it better. Thanks :D

    [As a citizen of the United States, I have always wanted to serve and give back to this country that gave me excellent opportunities to thrive and become successful. To attend a service academy is a goal of mine. To serve my country would be a continuation of my commitment to service towards academy and then military life. The honor of attending a service academy comes with a responsibility and commitment to serve in the military for a minimum of years upon graduation and I am up for that challenge. Service academies are different compared to other universities because they challenge their students mentally, morally and physically. I have always wanted a challenge to simply set a standard for myself so I may ultimately achieve and overcome my weakness and yet be humble. Upon setting a standard for myself, I am also able to understand discipline and hopefully be able to share it with peers.
    If given the opportunity, I would love to attend the United States Naval Academy as a midshipman. I had the chance to go there for the Naval Academy Summer Seminar program. Coming back home, my interest transformed into a desire. At the Academy, I realized how deeply it was ingrained in tradition along with its work in developing future leaders. The daily activities were grueling, but I pushed myself beyond my limits and boundaries and did my best physically, morally and mentally. It left an impression on me and allows me to realize that life will continue to get harder beyond certain points. It only convinced me that I would love to have the opportunity to serve my country as a military officer. ]
     
  2. coffeecup3

    coffeecup3 Member

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    I think you essay is really good!... however (maybe its just me) but I don't think I would post my essay for everybody to see. Good Luck!
     
  3. WannabeaMid

    WannabeaMid Prospective

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    Thanks. I was a little skeptical at first, but I actually just needed some people to see whether it was an essay worthy of being looked at by my Congresswoman. Is there anything that I should fix/add/delete to make it stand out...more? lol anything would be taken into consideration.
     
  4. mom3boys

    mom3boys Parent

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    Take it to your English teacher...
     
  5. WannabeaMid

    WannabeaMid Prospective

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    I have. This is the edited and revised essay that I have ever done. I am taking it to my teacher tomorrow for my final revision...hopefully.
     
  6. whitege

    whitege Member

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    I sent suggestions in a PM.
     
  7. Jezzie

    Jezzie USAFA Cadet

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    Just my humble opinion since you are asking for advice:

    I don't think you need the second sentence at all.

    In the last paragraph you kinda jump around from being at the academy to being home and then at the academy. Maybe the part about "coming back home" should be after you describe your time at the academy.

    I think its a good essay! Good luck!
     
  8. WannabeaMid

    WannabeaMid Prospective

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    I have taken it to my college counselor. She and I did some revisions and this is what we have come to.

    [As a citizen of the United States, I have always wanted to serve and give back to this country that gave me excellent opportunities to thrive and become successful. Attending a service academy has been a goal of mine ever since I was personally affected by the aftermath of the panic and disaster of 9/11. Serving my country would be a continuation of my commitment to service towards the academy. The honor of attending a service academy comes with a responsibility and military commitment upon graduation and I am up for that challenge. Service academies are different compared to other universities because they challenge their students mentally, morally and physically. I have always wanted a challenge to simply set a standard for myself so I may ultimately achieve and overcome my weaknesses and yet be humble. Upon setting a standard for myself, I am also able to understand discipline and hopefully be able to share it with peers.
    If given the opportunity, I would love to attend the United States Naval Academy as a midshipman. I had the chance to go there for the Naval Academy Summer Seminar program. While being there, my interest transformed into a desire. At the Academy, I realized how it was both deeply ingrained in tradition, while at the same time focused on developing future leaders. The daily activities were grueling, but I pushed myself beyond my limits and boundaries and did my best physically, morally and mentally. My time at the academy left an impression on me and further convinced me that I would love to have the opportunity to serve my country as a military officer. ]

    However, It is way above the word limit. Does it necessarily have to be 250 words or less:confused:. Any new help would be just as good.
     
  9. Runningman2014

    Runningman2014 Member

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    Hey Man,
    Yeah I had a hard time cutting my essay of over 400 words down to the limit. As far as should it be 250 words or less, you know the answer is yes. You know that this is not your typical college it is the military institution. I personally looked at the word limit as an order to be followed. They need to know you can follow simple orders. Although, your questions is slightly differnt from theUnited States Air Force Academy question, they are trying to get to the same thing, your motivations behind why you want to attend. The Air Force Academy questions was When did you first become interested in the Air Force Academy and serving in the Air Force? What started your interest? What Air Force career field do you hope to enter? What do you expect to gain from the Air Force Academy experience and how will it help you in your Air Force career?
    I think you are good on what sparked your interest. I talked about 9/11 as well. Also, I think what you said about the summer seminar was great. It showed why you wanted to go their. However, I really think you should add what you want to do and what you expect to gain from the experience. You did mention humbleness but add other characteristic you hope to further develop there. In this essay you are talking to a selection panel for the United States Naval Academy, you need to explicitly express your motivations for going their and what you want to do. Through these things they will make a judgment on whether your motivations are strong enough to get you through the first year and allow you to come back for another 3 years. So, as I said before I got what sparked your interest and that is strong but what do you want to do. Do you want to be an engineer, what? In order to cut it down on size you don’t need all the stuff about it being different from a regular college. You are talking to the selection panel, they know all about the differences. Give them a strong picture that your motivations are strong and that you will graduate. I will pm you my essay hope it help dude.
    Good luck,
    Runningman2014
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2009
  10. smile

    smile Member

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    Looks like an outstanding essay dude! Maybe try to do something different (I don't know what) with the second paragraph, it might just be me, but it seems to not flow as well as first paragraph.
     
  11. attacklax17

    attacklax17 Prospective

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    Sounds solid man, but maybe add a little more "you" too it. Don't get me wrong, its already above standard, but if you want to take it further in the 2nd paragraph maybe say something you did, then went to SS, and came back and viewed that "thing" at a different angle.

    but it is really good! :thumb:
     

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