Writing sample revision

Discussion in 'Air Force Academy - USAFA' started by GingPV12, Sep 16, 2012.

  1. GingPV12

    GingPV12 New Member

    Jul 18, 2012
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    Would anyone like to help me out with a few suggestions on just one answer to one of the Writing sample questions? Just please PM me.

    Thanks a lot!:thumb:
  2. Pima

    Pima Parent

    Nov 28, 2007
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    You should take your sample to your Eng teacher or your ALO. If you go this path, be prepared to have multiple suggestions, plus, some maybe candidates just like you. Blind leading the blind.

    Your ALO and Eng teacher on the other hand have seen many essays pass by their eyes. Many ALO's like Flieger sit on the MOC committee, typically essays are part of the nom process, thus they have seen tons of essays. Our DS's ALO did not sit on boards, but he required every candidate to submit their essay to him prior to submitting. He helped them clean their essay up. ALO's are tied to the military. Military speak differently than most people. They write tons of reports and OER/PRFs. They know what they are looking for as a punch. They actually use key words to illustrate their point. Trust me, Bullet hates the way I write, it is too flowery/wordy for him. Typically it wouldn't matter, but when you are applying to be in that service, than his opinion would matter more since he is IN that service.

    My suggestion is to follow the rule of thumb.
    Opening statement, defense, closing should reiterate the opening statement.
    Same is true for the body of the essay, opening, defense, closing.

    One thing most kids do that is the big no-no, they place tons of I's, me's and my's. They tend to write in the passive form and it becomes redundant. I want, it is my wish, for me it has been, etc. Look over your essay to see if every sentence has I, me, my in it.

    The other is run-ons. Re-read it, is there only 1 thought in your sentence, or are there 2 or more thoughts?

    You can do it by yourself if you follow what your English teachers have taught you for years. The only exception IMO is if you didn't grasp what they were desiring in their question.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2012

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