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  #1  
Old 24th July 2011
dhenry94 dhenry94 is offline
 
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Default Naval Academy Personal statement

I'm currently trying to fill out my personal statement which asks the following:
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.[/B][/B]
Should i get straight to the point on my topic and tell them i want to be a military pilot? or should i just tell them whatever job they give me is good enough?
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  #2  
Old 24th July 2011
Whistle Pig Whistle Pig is offline
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Are you sure either illumines who you are, where your headed, what "moves" you in that direction, what brought you to this moment, etc?

While it may not be apparent, many young writers can be overly literal, missing great opportunity for sharing more interesting aspects of themselves.

btw, these essays are not responses to be "filled out" altho yours might have been merely careless adolescent terms? Or could such be cause or symptom of your struggle with this assignment? What would you really like someone reading your script to know, think, admire about you? How are you any different than your peers? What are your grand dreams that an Academy education/experience AND Naval duty will address? What is it that you can do for your country in lieu of what your country can do for you? How might you fit into this bigger picture? What have you read, seen, done, experienced, heard that have helped to guide you? Who in your young life has inspired you to this calling? Is it a calling? How so?

These are a few rhetorical questions that may or may not be of any help as you THINK about what you want to communicate before you WRITE about that. What one thing would YOU like that person(s) reading this to know about you and what goes on in your noggin'?
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  #3  
Old 24th July 2011
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USNA'02 USNA'02 is offline
 
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BE HONEST AND TELL THE TRUTH

if you want to fly tell them that, tell them WHY of course. do use fluff words...be simple and straight to the point.
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  #4  
Old 24th July 2011
dhenry94 dhenry94 is offline
 
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My uncle was an Army M1A1 abrams gunner and i sat with him and watched a lot of old Vietnam movies and these jet books and thats what inspired me to want to serve. So basically, I should just tell them I was inspired by my uncle to want to fly and be a great asset to the navy so that i may serve my country and fulfill my dreams?
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  #5  
Old 24th July 2011
Whistle Pig Whistle Pig is offline
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In a word ... no. That's a start and a little context.
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Old 24th July 2011
Mongo Mongo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dhenry94 View Post
My uncle was an Army M1A1 abrams gunner and i sat with him and watched a lot of old Vietnam movies and these jet books and thats what inspired me to want to serve. So basically, I should just tell them I was inspired by my uncle to want to fly and be a great asset to the navy so that i may serve my country and fulfill my dreams?
If candidates based their essays strictly on honesty and truthfulness, there would probably be a lot of stories very similiar to this.
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Old 24th July 2011
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USNA'02 USNA'02 is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dhenry94 View Post
My uncle was an Army M1A1 abrams gunner and i sat with him and watched a lot of old Vietnam movies and these jet books and thats what inspired me to want to serve. So basically, I should just tell them I was inspired by my uncle to want to fly and be a great asset to the navy so that i may serve my country and fulfill my dreams?
Take your essay/answer to a teacher/friend/parent and have them read it and give you back input. You have to remember what's on paper (your essays, your BGOs interview write-up, your letters of recommendation, your transcripts, etc...is the only way the board gets to "know" who you are as a person/candidate. think of yourself as a board member and you read a statement like that...would that want you to hit the "accept" button? what type of questions would come to your mind after reading your short little one line sentence?

How/why did your uncle inspire you? why would you be a great asset to the Navy? what dreams?

remember, you're not the only candidate who's had someone server in the military, that flew, that want's to serve their country...etc...you have to make yourself memorable, standout...it's a job interview.

a question I like to ask not only my candidates for the Naval Academy but any of my Sailors submitting an application to get their commission through the many programs available to them is "what do you bring to the table? what are you going to bring to my wardroom?" you can ask yourself the same question..."what are you going to bring to the USNA?" why should they pick you out of several other highly qualified candidates?

just some food for that...again, back to keep it simple stay away from a lot of fluff/filler words. only one person really gets to look at your packet thoroughly and then they brief the admissions team...so they are having to ready SEVERAL packets a day...they learn to quickly pick out statements that stand out...your packet is in front of the board for maybe 15min...that's not a lot of time if you think about it...
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  #8  
Old 25th July 2011
dhenry94 dhenry94 is offline
 
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Default Could this work? Please point out weak points!!!

I believe I was the only 9 year old who said that ¿I want to fly advanced jets for the military!¿ This desire was brought upon by 4 years of watching military documentaries and listening to my uncle tell stories of his Army days. A product of a few of those movies, the U.S. Navy F/A-18 had left a lasting impression on me and I realized I wanted to spend my life flying something that impressive. So when offered the chance to enter NJROTC in high school, there's no surprise what my answer was. When I soon learned that to be a pilot, you'd have to get a degree. College based ROTC was a decent way I could be commissioned and fulfill my career dream. Then one day in NJROTC, a current midshipman from the USNA visited and explained in detail the structure of curriculum and all the other options the USNA could offer traditional colleges just couldn't. I refuse to settle for a class period a day with 2 hours of training, when I can receive it 24/7 while receiving instruction from one of top rated engineering institutions in the country. A 300 to 1 class ratio, couldn't compare to the USNA's near 30 to 1 with professors living on campus to better assist midshipmen who may need more help on a days work. Also I learned of the Academy's Flying Club would give me ample opportunity to receive my Private Pilot's license and Instrument Rating. Since I want to be the best military pilot I can be , the Naval Academy is my best viable option. The training midshipmen endure is rigorous at best, and fully prepares them to lead enlisted personnel. I want to be the best at leading and the USNA can teach me how to lead effectively. I couldn't see myself attending anything, but the best. The Academy will teach me how to be that pilot, that officer who'll lead his men, that sailor who reflects the best of the fleet. I want to be a part in something greater than myself, and I can achieve that in the United States Navy. All my life has been a struggle, for financial hardship took a severe toll on my family for the past 4 years of my high school career. In spite of that I still excelled and it only made me stronger. I may not have had all the resources my classmates had access to, or a father figure, or even 3 meals a day, but I keep my resolve and persevere. My mistakes have taught me more than victories and they inspire me to keep going even when there¿s no end I in sight. When you can stay true to yourself even when others tell you, you can't make it, what they don't know is you have the courage, honor, and integrity to do it for yourself and you'll represent with the capacity to inspire others.
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  #9  
Old 25th July 2011
Whistle Pig Whistle Pig is offline
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Suggestion: See '02's recommendation. Start there. Much work to be done. Be of good cheer and get to it. You will benefit from a top-notch writing instructor guiding you on this. This forum is helpful in illuminating and edifying many issues of this process. But there is not much to be gleaned in this writing exercise beyond what's been offered. This requires up-close coaching, practice, practice, practice. My own thought at this point is determining who can and will come along side you to guide and assist you in re-thinking and re-writing. Be sure, many are in your figurative corner.

With no desire to be harsh or other than constructively critical, my own opinion is "no." It doesn't.

And as noted, I don't believe this forum can lend you the type of assistance you can benefit from.
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  #10  
Old 25th July 2011
dhenry94 dhenry94 is offline
 
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Default Thanks

Thanks for the input. Most of my family keeps telling me it's good, but it feels like a story, but it's honestly how became interested in the academy.Maybe I should reword it a bit? A lot ? Also I wont have access to my High School English teachers until September. Wont that be a bit late?
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