Whip-sawed Parent

DrJ said:
I am really struggling with how to be supportive of our DS as he figures out which path to choose: USNA or public university w/ or w/o NROTC.

Some days I think attending USNA is the most amazing opportunity for him;
other days I think this is the worst idea ever. Sometimes I feel like this is a calling, like the priesthood or medicine, and that type of desire to be of service can be hard to understand unless you feel it yourself. Other times I think this is a training program and a job and stop being so dramatic already.

I suspect part of my problem is we are not a military family and this is foreign territory. I have tried to do my research (this forum has helped a lot--thanks!) but I still feel like in some ways I just don't fully "get it."
Another aspect of my struggle is that, although DS has always had a keen interest in military history, the option of a SA was not something he mentioned until about 8 months ago. He has worked his tail off in that time span to make this happen; I am so proud of his hard work and persistence, but it's not given us much time to adjust.

I feel like my due diligence as a parent forces me to ask him if he has thought of X and considered Y, where X and Y are often (not always) the less attractive parts of military training and service. I wonder if I would feel compelled to be doing this if he wanted to go to the University of Whatever--I just don't think so! This feels different.

Bottom line: it is his path to chose and I know he will bring great things to whatever he does in life.

How have parents handled this mess of feelings--how have you managed to be supportive but also be that voice of reality? And for young men and women who have been on the receiving end of this mess of feelings--no matter what your final decision was--how could your parents have best supported you?
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I know this is pretty much an ancient thread, but I can't thank you enough for this post. Honestly, this is EXACTLY how I feel- with almost the exact same set of circumstances.
 
peppypea said:
DrJ said:
I am really struggling with how to be supportive of our DS as he figures out which path to choose: USNA or public university w/ or w/o NROTC.

Some days I think attending USNA is the most amazing opportunity for him;
other days I think this is the worst idea ever. Sometimes I feel like this is a calling, like the priesthood or medicine, and that type of desire to be of service can be hard to understand unless you feel it yourself. Other times I think this is a training program and a job and stop being so dramatic already.

I suspect part of my problem is we are not a military family and this is foreign territory. I have tried to do my research (this forum has helped a lot--thanks!) but I still feel like in some ways I just don't fully "get it."
Another aspect of my struggle is that, although DS has always had a keen interest in military history, the option of a SA was not something he mentioned until about 8 months ago. He has worked his tail off in that time span to make this happen; I am so proud of his hard work and persistence, but it's not given us much time to adjust.

I feel like my due diligence as a parent forces me to ask him if he has thought of X and considered Y, where X and Y are often (not always) the less attractive parts of military training and service. I wonder if I would feel compelled to be doing this if he wanted to go to the University of Whatever--I just don't think so! This feels different.

Bottom line: it is his path to chose and I know he will bring great things to whatever he does in life.

How have parents handled this mess of feelings--how have you managed to be supportive but also be that voice of reality? And for young men and women who have been on the receiving end of this mess of feelings--no matter what your final decision was--how could your parents have best supported you?
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I know this is pretty much an ancient thread, but I can't thank you enough for this post. Honestly, this is EXACTLY how I feel- with almost the exact same set of circumstances.
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Me too. Feel free to message me. My son hasn’t gotten an appointment yet. Some days I feel like we’ll both be devastated if he doesnt’ get it, and other days I think I’ll have a panic attack if he does. I want it for him so much because he wants it so much, but we also have a fantastic university fifteen minutes from our house. He’s been accepted. They’ve given him a scholarship. It’s his backup plan. He says he’ll do ROTC for a year and then reapply to WP. I think it’s going to be a stressful spring!
 
DrJ said:
We plan, God laughs.

Last week DS told me he had made up his mind: he was declining his appointment to the USNA.

If you had asked me a minute before, I would have said I was more than 95% certain he would accept.

Given my ambivalence--I AM the Whip-sawed Parent after all--you would have thought that I would have been on my knees, thanking God, then doing the dance of joy.

Instead, my eyes welled with tears, which surprised the heck out of both of us. I am not the sort to tear up a lot and this is not the reaction I would have predicted. But after all of these months of trying to understand what applying to the USNA and serving in the Navy meant to him, I had really finally "got it." Those tears were not relief, they reflected my appreciation of what he was walking away from.

We talked--or rather, he talked and I listened--and his thinking was so spot-on: what had been his Plan B really fits his career aspirations so perfectly. We made a final visit to that school a few days ago and seeing how happy, excited and at peace he was gives me great comfort. This is clearly the path he is meant to follow now, and he found it himself. I was able to grasp that he wasn't so much walking away from USNA, but heading where he truly feels he belongs.

The other thing that gives me so much comfort and downright happiness is envisioning the DS or DD that is going to be over the moon to be plucked off of the wait list in a few days. On July 1st we will raise a toast, wish him/her all the best that life has to offer and pray for his/her safekeeping in a turbulent world.

I would not be surprised if, once DS has finished his undergrad and graduate degrees, he looks at Navy again. He has a strong desire to serve his country--just not now, and not via the USNA. As always, he will have my love and support.

The last few months have been an incredible roller coaster ride. I would not give up this experience for anything. I am so proud of my DS for everything he did to achieve this incredible goal of an appointment to USNA, and for the careful reflection he did to make his final decision. And I feel like this process has changed me. I am sure that the self-restraint I have strengthened in the last few months of endlessly and silently chanting the mantra "it's his life, it's his decision" will come in handy in the future. I now know so much more about the USNA and the military than I ever did, and I appreciate that. To those on the forum who have been so patient and helpful to me, here is a huge "thank you!"
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So beautifully written. I have a DD who is waiting to hear from USNA and USCGA. Everyday, I wonder what my reaction will be if she gets an appointment and accepts or if she doesn't get one. The enormity of it hasn't quite sunk it yet. I'll cross that bridge when and if we get there. To say that this process is draining is an understatement, but like you, I am so proud of her for doing everything she had to do to get to this point. All these kids that decide to go down this road have my respect. They are truly special and I know will do great things wherever their journey takes them.
 
ecmcb5 said:
So beautifully written. I have a DD who is waiting to hear from USNA and USCGA. Everyday, I wonder what my reaction will be if she gets an appointment and accepts or if she doesn't get one. The enormity of it hasn't quite sunk it yet. I'll cross that bridge when and if we get there. To say that this process is draining is an understatement, but like you, I am so proud of her for doing everything she had to do to get to this point. All these kids that decide to go down this road have my respect. They are truly special and I know will do great things wherever their journey takes them.
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Ditto here. Well expressed!
 
VelveteenR said:
DrJ, we’re right where you are, right now. VelveteenKid accepted USMA last night over USNA and his two top-tier EA civilian schools. I’m trying not to retch. He has spent the past four years 3,000 miles away from home at a New England boarding school where service academies are not anyone’s first choice. We were counting on either a DQ or the low acceptance rate to make our angst moot, but here we are buckling up to support our only child on a tough ride. It never made any sense to argue with him as we knew he’d be 18 by the time any appointments were offered, so we’d have no say. Even suggesting that he might enjoy a more normal college experience if he went the (N)ROTC route was dismissed as he considers his LAC-like boarding school experience a “normal” college experience substitute.

So, today is day one for us in coming to terms with the fact that we will soon be a “military family.” I can barely write that. I have no qualms with the quality of the education at the academy, but I am terrified of the potential for the ultimate sacrifice. This past October, one of our son’s closest friends was killed in a jeep roll-over accident on the way back from a weekend camping trip. He was not wearing his seat belt; everyone else in the jeep walked away without serious injury. This boy’s death hit us all very hard. Over winter break, our son told me that he wanted to say a few things about my concern that he might make the ultimate sacrifice. He started off by saying, “Mom, if you’re ever standing before my flag-draped casket <mom-tears started here>, I want you to know that it’s OK to cry, it’s OK to grieve, but I want you to know that I won’t consider my death meaningless.” He went on to say, “You can have the comfort that I willingly chose this path fully understanding this potential consequence, and I’m OK with it. No matter how I died, even if it’s an accident or friendly fire, I died pursuing a cause I believe in, and that can never be meaningless.” He said a few other things, then he hugged me for a long time and said, “This hug is for that time if it ever comes. Remember this. I will be hugging you then in spirit and always, and I hope you will remember my words and not grieve in an empty way.” He was deeply affected by the “meaninglessness” of his friend’s death from not wearing his seatbelt and tried to reassure me that I should not fear whatever he may face. We held him close over the holiday, emotionally and physically.

I love my son fiercely and am finding meaning in every moment I have with him. He graduates June 7th and will be at the academy three weeks later. He’s never really coming home again, just a bit of leave here and there. I can barely breathe, but I will start hanging here for support as we start this journey and learn, along with you and all the other new SA parents here, what this commitment really means.

God bless us, every one.
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VelveteenR I am bawling as I finish reading your post. What a gift your son just gave you. Treasure that always! I guess we, parents of these incredible kids, fully understand what sacrifice our children are potentially making. Just yesterday someone said, "Oh, but it's free, right "? I politely reminded them that these kids could pay with their lives. The enormity is overwhelming, but as your son told you, it's what they want to do. My DD once said to me in the car that she would feel guilty if she didn't serve. How do I argue with that? Right now we're still waiting to hear, but when the day comes I know it won't be easy for me wether it's a BFE or a TWE! Selfishly speaking!
 
Hoosiermom18 said:
Me too. Feel free to message me. My son hasn’t gotten an appointment yet. Some days I feel like we’ll both be devastated if he doesnt’ get it, and other days I think I’ll have a panic attack if he does. I want it for him so much because he wants it so much, but we also have a fantastic university fifteen minutes from our house. He’s been accepted. They’ve given him a scholarship. It’s his backup plan. He says he’ll do ROTC for a year and then reapply to WP. I think it’s going to be a stressful spring!
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No need for it to be stressful with such a great backup plan. Either path leads to a commission, and once you commission no one cares where you went to college. They only care that you produce results.
 
As the parent of a DD who has just recently received her offer of appointment to USMA, I, too, am wondering what she will decide, and how much I should try to open a conversation about it, to flesh it out. She also has a 4 year AROTC scholarship to Furman University in SC, so she really could go either way. During her agonizing waiver process, she received her ROTC scholarship, and was starting to think that maybe that is where she was meant to be. Then she received her portal present, and now is back thinking that WP was her goal; that's where she belongs........She is going to Furman on an overnight with the ROTC, if only to reaffirm her WP belief. I think that I leave it be, and if she wants my take, I offer it? It's truly her future. How have others handled it?
 
Goat 965 said:
As the parent of a DD who has just recently received her offer of appointment to USMA, I, too, am wondering what she will decide, and how much I should try to open a conversation about it, to flesh it out. She also has a 4 year AROTC scholarship to Furman University in SC, so she really could go either way. During her agonizing waiver process, she received her ROTC scholarship, and was starting to think that maybe that is where she was meant to be. Then she received her portal present, and now is back thinking that WP was her goal; that's where she belongs........She is going to Furman on an overnight with the ROTC, if only to reaffirm her WP belief. I think that I leave it be, and if she wants my take, I offer it? It's truly her future. How have others handled it?
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I am answering questions only when asked. I am honest when I don't have an answer. I am keeping the reality of "cost differentials" out of the conversations. I am leaving the decision entirely up to him, and patting him on the back every day for all he has earned.
 
Soldiergriz said:
I am answering questions only when asked. I am honest when I don't have an answer. I am keeping the reality of "cost differentials" out of the conversations. I am leaving the decision entirely up to him, and patting him on the back every day for all he has earned.
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Thanks, there is very minimal cost differentials, both options come with their share of expenses, but when you consider what the value of an education at either spot is, it is small potatoes. I have an opinion, as does her Mom (and not necessarily the same), so we will try to not tip our hands, unless asked. Just feel like it is such a huge call to make, a little sounding board action might benefit her.........Hard to complain about the spot she has found herself in, she has done very well.
 
Goat 965 said:
Soldiergriz said:
I am answering questions only when asked. I am honest when I don't have an answer. I am keeping the reality of "cost differentials" out of the conversations. I am leaving the decision entirely up to him, and patting him on the back every day for all he has earned.
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Thanks, there is very minimal cost differentials, both options come with their share of expenses, but when you consider what the value of an education at either spot is, it is small potatoes. I have an opinion, as does her Mom (and not necessarily the same), so we will try to not tip our hands, unless asked. Just feel like it is such a huge call to make, a little sounding board action might benefit her.........Hard to complain about the spot she has found herself in, she has done very well.
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Yes, much to be proud of...well done.
 
kpdad2015 said:
VelveteenR said:
...our son is already disciplined, in shape (varsity rower), and confident and has spent four years at a boarding school with zero-tolerance for drugs in a tight-knit community of high-achievers...
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Truthfully the majority of kids accepted to any SA are disciplined and confident. I have watched our friends kids spend 4 or 5 years at a 'regular' college, and when your around those kids, they still act like kids. I will admit our Eagle Scout, soon to graduate from USMMA son, acted more mature and driven when he was in 9th grade, than they do now that they're college grads. One of the biggest changes I've noticed is his concern and compassion for others. The football team adopted Mighty Mikey back in 2009. Mikey was a child battling pediatric brain tumors who lost his battle yesterday and I could feel the loss in my DS when we skyped last night. As mature, disciplined, and confident as my DS was when he reported to Indoc 4 years ago, he has grown significantly through his time there and become a truly impressive man.

As a caveat to ROTC, my nephew had a appoint to the AFA or a AF ROTC scholarship. He was talking to some Cadets and they encouraged him to choose ROTC because there is "nothing to do outside the Air Force in Colorado Springs". He went to a distinguished school and did well his 1st semester but then partied with his friends and flunked the 2nd. I was impressed because they allowed him to resume his scholarship after he retook and passed the classes at his expense. But then his senior year he got depressed. He realized that with his GPA he wasn't going to fly or any of the other things he wanted to do. So he missed 2 weeks of PT without a medical excuse and they didn't give him a 3rd chance. He now still has 1 semester to complete his degree, but first he's working as an assistant manager of a convenience store in order to pay the government back for his ROTC scholarship. He regrets listening to the cadets who talked him out of the AFA, not spending more time in the library instead of partying with his roommate, and having his own pity party and skipping PT.
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This isnt on Rotc or the college, but rather on your nephew. People get throw out of the academies also when they screw up. There are plenty of kids who do Rotc and do well in college. Sure maybe with lack of access to normal things in life, your nephew may have succeded at the academy but maybe not. Remember the kids who come out of academies and serve will have to deal with the same things Rotc graduates had to deal with while they were in college. The difference is the Rotc kids had 4 years to deal with them while the academy kids are coming at them with litttle to no experience
 
I thought it fitting to resurrect this thread because it contains my first post and my first thoughts after our son accepted his appointment to USMA. We watched him graduate and commission on Saturday (my mom and I hooked on his new should boards), the end of a long, hard 47-months. I’m no happier with the military than I was four years ago, and I still think he had better college options, but I'm coming to terms with the Army. He's gotten much of value from his time at the academy. The education he received there transcends his degree. He's lived a regimented, inspected, drilled, sober, uniformed life 24 x 7 for four years, never able to rest, never able to juggle every academic, physical, and military obligation perfectly, never quite able to measure up to the models of leadership in bronze and stone on those plains and in those halls. He chose a very tough way to get through college. But he has gotten through it with deep friendships and an education rich for its broadness and emphasis on character, integrity, duty, honor, and country. He has consumed all of it with determination, humility, and honors. He has reached his goal and, for that, we are proud of him. And I no longer worry about him.

I am thankful, too, for the information, support, and kindness shown here. May all of your sons and daughters reach their goals and discharge their duties honorably and safely.
 
One of my favorite all-time threads, and what a lovely capstone post. My parents, too, never quite “got” why I wanted this path, and why I stayed, but they knew I was happy with my choice, and that was enough for them to see me well-launched.
 
I’ve just discovered this thread. Great posts! In just a few short weeks my wife and I will send our DD off to USCGA. It’s been a wild ride getting to this point, and the journey is just beginning. Looking forward to hearing all the stories she will tell us in the years to come.
 
This month of graduations is a time both for looking forward and looking back, prompting me to check-in on this thread again. The vulnerability of it all—being a parent, wanting what’s best for your child and accepting you really, truly do not know exactly what that is—shines through in these posts so much. It still resonates with me in such an intense way.

To recap, DS announces as a rising senior in HS he wants to go to USNA. What?!? If I had been an emoji, my head would have been spinning off my shoulders. Months tick by as he does the really incredible undertaking of securing an appointment and I scramble to intellectually and emotionally catch up. I title myself “whipsawed parent” because that’s how I felt, swinging from “this is the best thing ever!” to “no way!” sometimes within the same day. Once I reach the point of really “getting it”—that this is his life and his decision, not mine, that he would be going into this amazing opportunity with his eyes wide open—he opts to go another route and declines his appointment. Another “What?!?” moment, yes, but for me another opportunity to be really clear on who my child is and what he wants.

DS ultimately realized he wanted a specialized STEM major that USNA didn’t offer and that close enough wasn’t good enough. He also realized he wanted a much higher probability of going directly from undergraduate to professional school than would be likely as a graduate of the USNA. More critically, I think he understood that his goals and timetable for reaching those goals and the goals and timetable he would need to have as a graduate of USNA were not aligning. I give him so much credit for this realization and for moving out of another candidate’s way—yielding to that person who DID have the goals and the timetable for reaching them that was more in alignment with the Navy’s. I realize it wasn’t “his” spot to give, but I think that once he was clear on these realities, he realized it was his obligation to step aside and did it promptly.

The night before I-Day nearly 4 years ago, I thought of that person and wished him/her the best.

Earlier this month DS graduated with his degree in the specialized area he wanted, with high distinction. In the fall he’ll be starting in the professional program for the career he’s always wanted. We’re proud of him and all he’s accomplished, and look forward to seeing him use his talents to benefit others.

Seeing photos of the USNA graduation a few days ago brings to mind that nameless person I toasted in late June, 2015. I now offer my congratulations to you on your amazing accomplishment, and hopes for
 
@DrJ: Wishing him...& you, all the best!
 
Thanks for circling back, @DrJ. I wondered if you were still here. I think your son made a great decision and I, too, wish him all the best.
 
Congratulations Velveteen.

I just returned from pinning the boards at my son's ROTC commissioning. I hope that our sons will cross paths as fellow Army officers.

Best of luck to all the new officers!
 
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