Is my answer to the "Why you want to attend..." informative enough?

scottiebar

New Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2018
Messages
9
This isn't for any specific application, but I want to know if I am heading in the right direction when answering the "Why do you want to attend a U.S. Service Academy?" question. I understand this question will likely be asked a lot from a lot of different sources (Nomination applications, interviews, etc.) so I want to make sure that I am answering it correctly. What do you guys think? I am not sure what the correct balance of story telling, information, and wishing should be. This is my paragraph:

"Why do you want to attend a U.S. Service Academy?"

Every summer my father takes me up to his hometown in Cohasset, Massachusetts, and every summer, on that trip, we visit Battleship Cove. That shipyard full of retired Naval craft is the most fascinating place on Earth to me. I love our country’s history, I love her people, and I love her strength. Knowing how America has aided its people and brought peace to foreign nations in their time of need fills me with a sense of extreme pride. I want to serve my country, protecting our people and those in need, earning our nation the respect she deserves. The people I want to work with are Naval fighter pilots; their reportedly more serious attitude towards work compared to Marine and Air Force pilots fits well with my want to “right the wrongs” in most things I see. I love this blessed country, and whether it be fighting against foreign enemies or testing new technologies, I want to devote many years of my life to it serving in the Navy. One must be an officer to serve as a pilot in the military, and there is no better institution than the Naval Academy when it comes to preparing future leaders to assume this role.
 
Hard to provide great feedback here because people on this forum don’t know you. But I’ll offer a couple thoughts:

(1) A promising start, as you try to personalize the story. The best essays are very specific to an individual.

(2) Can you speak positively about Navy pilots without speaking negatively about Air Force or Marine pilots? Do it.

(3) Be careful about “overcommiting” to being a pilot. A lot of time and hurdles stand between you and that goal. USNA produces officers first and wants to know you’re commited to that also.
 
A little flowery for my tastes but if it's what's in your heart then its perfect.

EDIT: Take a look at this video. Not saying there is anything wrong with your answer. Far from it. But sometimes the reason can be stated as quickly and shortly as Marine OCS candidates do about 2+ minutes in. Just some food for thought if you ever wanted to make your answer briefly.

 
Last edited:
I agree with the note on commenting about one “reportedly more serious” Service. No reason to say that, no reason based in fact to believe it and you’d have to hope no Marine or Air Force veterans are among your readers/evaluators. Making a decision on one Service over the other on a “reportedly” basis, maybe not. It’s perfectly okay to say you are interested in naval aviation due to mission, airframes available, types of deployments, etc.

Affirming your ultimate goal is to serve as an officer, noting that naval aviation is of primary interest but there are warfare communities that interest you - shows flexibility and understanding the needs of the Navy will ultimately determine your path.

Showing where your interest got started, talking about your motivation to serve, mentioning career paths of interest, demonstrating your understanding of the demands of a Service Academy path and how that’s a good fit for you - all routine to mention.

Just make sure what you are saying is from the heart and not too over the top with hyperbole.
 
I think all our son said was, “Because I want to serve my country as an officer in our armed forces” and let the conversation flow from there. For him, no additional words would have made the point any clearer. He didn’t write more than a paragraph to this effect in his essays either as I found out much later.
 
Try getting TBS out of USNA and then Marine Air. Definite serious attitude.
 
their reportedly more serious attitude towards work compared to Marine and Air Force pilots fits well with my want to “right the wrongs” in most things I see.

Don't disparage other Services. You may see others do it, usually in jest and usually between people who have served and have earned the right to crack on other Services. There are certainly different cultures between the services, but I don't think "more serious attitude" is the right description for the difference. Unless you have first hand experience, ie. grew up as a Navy Brat on a USMC or USAF base, it's probably better to avoid stereotyping or commenting on culture. (As someone noted above, keep in mind --the Admissions Board or MOC panel may have USAF and USMC officers).

One must be an officer to serve as a pilot in the military, and there is no better institution than the Naval Academy when it comes to preparing future leaders to assume this role
I would suggest avoiding the absolute statement there is "no better institution..." The reader may be NROTC/OCS or other Service Academy. Something like "USNA provides an outstanding opportunity to accomplish these goals and serve my country.." sounds better.

A little flowery for my tastes but if it's what's in your heart then its perfect.
+ 1 . Write to your audience. In this case, you can expect your reader will want to see things short, to the point, and without flowery prose. It's fine to show your passion, but your presentation is a little over the top.
 
Only one answer: "To serve my country!"

Stay away from Navy/Marine/Air Force and the serious pilot idea. A friend of mine is a Navy pilot and his demeanor is more of a surfer dude yet I am sure he can turn it on when needed. He rushed the Blues.

In a nutshell keep your comments short and on point.
 
Hard to provide great feedback here because people on this forum don’t know you. But I’ll offer a couple thoughts:

(1) A promising start, as you try to personalize the story. The best essays are very specific to an individual.

(2) Can you speak positively about Navy pilots without speaking negatively about Air Force or Marine pilots? Do it.

(3) Be careful about “overcommiting” to being a pilot. A lot of time and hurdles stand between you and that goal. USNA produces officers first and wants to know you’re commited to that also.

Thank you for this response. I found it very informative!
 
I agree with the note on commenting about one “reportedly more serious” Service. No reason to say that, no reason based in fact to believe it and you’d have to hope no Marine or Air Force veterans are among your readers/evaluators. Making a decision on one Service over the other on a “reportedly” basis, maybe not. It’s perfectly okay to say you are interested in naval aviation due to mission, airframes available, types of deployments, etc.

Affirming your ultimate goal is to serve as an officer, noting that naval aviation is of primary interest but there are warfare communities that interest you - shows flexibility and understanding the needs of the Navy will ultimately determine your path.

Showing where your interest got started, talking about your motivation to serve, mentioning career paths of interest, demonstrating your understanding of the demands of a Service Academy path and how that’s a good fit for you - all routine to mention.

Just make sure what you are saying is from the heart and not too over the top with hyperbole.

Thank you for the suggestions, I am glad I posted this question to the forums!
 
their reportedly more serious attitude towards work compared to Marine and Air Force pilots fits well with my want to “right the wrongs” in most things I see.

Don't disparage other Services. You may see others do it, usually in jest and usually between people who have served and have earned the right to crack on other Services. There are certainly different cultures between the services, but I don't think "more serious attitude" is the right description for the difference. Unless you have first hand experience, ie. grew up as a Navy Brat on a USMC or USAF base, it's probably better to avoid stereotyping or commenting on culture. (As someone noted above, keep in mind --the Admissions Board or MOC panel may have USAF and USMC officers).

One must be an officer to serve as a pilot in the military, and there is no better institution than the Naval Academy when it comes to preparing future leaders to assume this role
I would suggest avoiding the absolute statement there is "no better institution..." The reader may be NROTC/OCS or other Service Academy. Something like "USNA provides an outstanding opportunity to accomplish these goals and serve my country.." sounds better.

A little flowery for my tastes but if it's what's in your heart then its perfect.
+ 1 . Write to your audience. In this case, you can expect your reader will want to see things short, to the point, and without flowery prose. It's fine to show your passion, but your presentation is a little over the top.

Okay, I will take this advice into consideration, thank you for providing constructive feedback.
 
This isn't for any specific application, but I want to know if I am heading in the right direction when answering the "Why do you want to attend a U.S. Service Academy?" question. I understand this question will likely be asked a lot from a lot of different sources (Nomination applications, interviews, etc.) so I want to make sure that I am answering it correctly. What do you guys think? I am not sure what the correct balance of story telling, information, and wishing should be. This is my paragraph:

"Why do you want to attend a U.S. Service Academy?"

Every summer my father takes me up to his hometown in Cohasset, Massachusetts, and every summer, on that trip, we visit Battleship Cove. That shipyard full of retired Naval craft is the most fascinating place on Earth to me. I love our country’s history, I love her people, and I love her strength. Knowing how America has aided its people and brought peace to foreign nations in their time of need fills me with a sense of extreme pride. I want to serve my country, protecting our people and those in need, earning our nation the respect she deserves. The people I want to work with are Naval fighter pilots; their reportedly more serious attitude towards work compared to Marine and Air Force pilots fits well with my want to “right the wrongs” in most things I see. I love this blessed country, and whether it be fighting against foreign enemies or testing new technologies, I want to devote many years of my life to it serving in the Navy. One must be an officer to serve as a pilot in the military, and there is no better institution than the Naval Academy when it comes to preparing future leaders to assume this role.

Are you aware that both Navy and Marine Corps pilots are Naval Aviators and attend the same flight schools? There certainly are some cultural differences, but that's deeper than I think is necessary for you right now.
 
This isn't for any specific application, but I want to know if I am heading in the right direction when answering the "Why do you want to attend a U.S. Service Academy?" question. I understand this question will likely be asked a lot from a lot of different sources (Nomination applications, interviews, etc.) so I want to make sure that I am answering it correctly. What do you guys think? I am not sure what the correct balance of story telling, information, and wishing should be. This is my paragraph:

"Why do you want to attend a U.S. Service Academy?"

Every summer my father takes me up to his hometown in Cohasset, Massachusetts, and every summer, on that trip, we visit Battleship Cove. That shipyard full of retired Naval craft is the most fascinating place on Earth to me. I love our country’s history, I love her people, and I love her strength. Knowing how America has aided its people and brought peace to foreign nations in their time of need fills me with a sense of extreme pride. I want to serve my country, protecting our people and those in need, earning our nation the respect she deserves. The people I want to work with are Naval fighter pilots; their reportedly more serious attitude towards work compared to Marine and Air Force pilots fits well with my want to “right the wrongs” in most things I see. I love this blessed country, and whether it be fighting against foreign enemies or testing new technologies, I want to devote many years of my life to it serving in the Navy. One must be an officer to serve as a pilot in the military, and there is no better institution than the Naval Academy when it comes to preparing future leaders to assume this role.

Are you aware that both Navy and Marine Corps pilots are Naval Aviators and attend the same flight schools? There certainly are some cultural differences, but that's deeper than I think is necessary for you right now.

I have already taken this into consideration thanks to some previous suggestions. I actually updated my statement and re-posted it here. If you would be so kind, please take a look at it.
 
Hmm... 2 years since this thread came out.. Time to resurface..

Anyone, can you give me some thoughts on this?

This serves as a Letter of Intent, to solidify my desires, and intentions of attending a Service Academy, if given the opportunity to do so, in the C/O 2026. So help me God.

Amongst all the large variety of reasons, as to why I want to attend a Service Academy, the utmost important, is not to just serve my country, nor is it for the thrill of the incredible experience, rather my intentions are to be around people, with the same goals as me. To serve our country, all whilst attending one of the highest, if not most prestigious academic institutions in the United States.

My desire to serve for my country, will still remain the same, if I am given or denied an appointment, to any of the academies. My desire, was first instilled in my Freshman Year of High-School, by a midshipman that visited from USNA, and ever since that time on, I’ve felt in some capacity, that I belong next to those same people, who feel as strongly as me, for the desire to attend one of these academies.

Although my grades may not be stellar, like other applicants, I feel personally, my grades do not show the true extent to who I am, and who I desire to be. I desire to lead.

In some capacity, my connection to the Navy, and armed forces, was formed when I had the opportunity to visit the WW2 Ship, LST 325. To say the least the incredible experience, of the tour, and to see what our fellow troops went through, not only gave me a further appreciation to the forces, but also further enstilled my desire to do the same for my country, just as those who came before me.
 
I am certainly not the best at writing or comparing essays EVEN THOUGH I READ THEM AS PART OF MY NOMINATING COMMITTEE (very little time to do so) but I can offer a couple of notes.

They are NOT your fellow troops yet.​
Talking about prestigious makes it more about you in my eyes. I'd rather see it referred to as one of the BEST.​
 
Hmm... 2 years since this thread came out.. Time to resurface..

Anyone, can you give me some thoughts on this?

This serves as a Letter of Intent, to solidify my desires, and intentions of attending a Service Academy, if given the opportunity to do so, in the C/O 2026. So help me God.

Amongst all the large variety of reasons, as to why I want to attend a Service Academy, the utmost important, is not to just serve my country, nor is it for the thrill of the incredible experience, rather my intentions are to be around people, with the same goals as me. To serve our country, all whilst attending one of the highest, if not most prestigious academic institutions in the United States.

My desire to serve for my country, will still remain the same, if I am given or denied an appointment, to any of the academies. My desire, was first instilled in my Freshman Year of High-School, by a midshipman that visited from USNA, and ever since that time on, I’ve felt in some capacity, that I belong next to those same people, who feel as strongly as me, for the desire to attend one of these academies.

Although my grades may not be stellar, like other applicants, I feel personally, my grades do not show the true extent to who I am, and who I desire to be. I desire to lead.

In some capacity, my connection to the Navy, and armed forces, was formed when I had the opportunity to visit the WW2 Ship, LST 325. To say the least the incredible experience, of the tour, and to see what our fellow troops went through, not only gave me a further appreciation to the forces, but also further enstilled my desire to do the same for my country, just as those who came before me.
My kid wrote something similar about the advantage of being around like minded peers. He got a TWE. I don't think that has enough umph to stand out, especially when 18K candidates open applications. I wouldn't point out your non-stellar grades either. That draws attention to them. Why don't they show your true character? What is your true character? Why should they take you over a 4.0 candidate? What makes Admissions want YOU?

I would leave out the "prestige" part, USNA knows who they are and that sounds like you are in it for the wrong reasons. What speaks to you about being an officer and leading?

"High School" is not capitalized.

"instilled" not "enstilled".

Also, early on my kid asked his FFR about his essays and the FFR said he can't help with the actual content on what DS should or shouldn't write because that would be unfair to others. I am not sure about this, but may asking on the forum isn't that fair either? Maybe PM one or two SAF members and ask for their input that way? (IDK though, just a mom with a kid with two TWEs.)

Let your English teacher or someone else proofread them for sure. It's hard to see your own mistakes when you've been working on something for a while. (My kid almost turned in a senior project and it was red-pen city.)
 
There's a very common set of beliefs that lead many people to seek an academy appointment, so take a moment to consider the lives of the Admissions and selections committees that are reading piles of these essays. Approximately most and a half of them probably include the substance of your first paragraph. That's good, in that you're likely on a pretty normal path, but it's bad if you dwell on it too long. An essay like this should reflect who you are pretty clearly, so maybe pull the midshipman or LST325 to the front a bit more and tighten up the Prestige and Best and Tradition sections. Oh, and you seem to have a thing for commas that might be worth discussing with an English teacher.
 
My kid wrote something similar about the advantage of being around like minded peers. He got a TWE. I don't think that has enough umph to stand out, especially when 18K candidates open applications. I wouldn't point out your non-stellar grades either. That draws attention to them. Why don't they show your true character? What is your true character? Why should they take you over a 4.0 candidate? What makes Admissions want YOU?

I would leave out the "prestige" part, USNA knows who they are and that sounds like you are in it for the wrong reasons. What speaks to you about being an officer and leading?

"High School" is not capitalized.

"instilled" not "enstilled".

Also, early on my kid asked his FFR about his essays and the FFR said he can't help with the actual content on what DS should or shouldn't write because that would be unfair to others. I am not sure about this, but may asking on the forum isn't that fair either? Maybe PM one or two SAF members and ask for their input that way? (IDK though, just a mom with a kid with two TWEs.)

Let your English teacher or someone else proofread them for sure. It's hard to see your own mistakes when you've been working on something for a while. (My kid almost turned in a senior project and it was red-pen city.)
There's a very common set of beliefs that lead many people to seek an academy appointment, so take a moment to consider the lives of the Admissions and selections committees that are reading piles of these essays. Approximately most and a half of them probably include the substance of your first paragraph. That's good, in that you're likely on a pretty normal path, but it's bad if you dwell on it too long. An essay like this should reflect who you are pretty clearly, so maybe pull the midshipman or LST325 to the front a bit more and tighten up the Prestige and Best and Tradition sections. Oh, and you seem to have a thing for commas that might be worth discussing with an English teacher.
Thank you!
 
“Whilst” is a perfectly fine word, but mostly used by UK folk, when Americans would typically use “while.” It just pops out as a bit of an oddity in standard written American English.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top