Exhausted Doolie Parent

I am exhausted by the stress and crying and "I hate it here, I want to come home, I am not doing well." I listen, and I hear some shining moments, but honestly, I am getting 95% negativity. It is affecting my mental health too. The rollercoaster is no joke. My Doolie feels totally unsupported there; I continue to listen and have been getting two phone calls a day full of negativity. I think I have left no stone unturned in trying to figure out what to do from asking if paperwork should be filed to saying stay focused on the shining moments (which get shot down too now) to small talk to make the conversations more positive. My Doolie said everyone in her squad is depressed (C3Cs included) except the leadership. Three Doolies want to file paperwork along with roommate also saying same things about hating it although that roommate is IC so gets to escape when traveling. I know there is no easy answer just like I know this is not easy. I know these feelings are common too. I am happy to keep on keeping up with this, but I need some hope or some thought about how to tackle this that I have not figured out.

Sorry to hear this struggle. Where you able to visit during this past weekend for Parents weekend? If so, how was DD then? Have you reached out to the Chaplain corps? What is your DD real issue? Homesick? Physical demands? Academics?

I could have written the same post many, many times over the last 3 years. My kid is a mid so I don't know if it's exactly the same but, I just listen to him vent. I don't think they have a lot of safe places to vent. I try to get him to stay focused on the future and not spiral down into a pit of despair. Again, "A great place to be from".

As a parent, it is so hard when we can't fix things for our child (even when they are no longer a child but an adult, making their way in this world). Please take time to take care of yourself - go for a walk, sit still for 30 minutes and listen to soothing music - whatever makes you take a breath for even just a little while. You are doing a great job of continuing to encourage and listen to your Doolie. May I encourage you to reach out to your local state parent's club? You will find caring people who are available for each other as you navigate this journey called USAFA together. Parents need battle buddies too. Hugs to you!

Nobody joins the military that they think they're joining. I blame the movies and TV for a lot of that.

It gets better. Civilians are often soft and not mature enough to deal with adversity or even challenge, in large doses. The military fixes that in short order. It's really the "short order" of going from civilian to military that is so hard on a lot of people. I seldom meet anyone who doesn't come out of it a better person and with better skills all around. I guarantee that every single one of her peers has had some of the same experiences and they made it (or are making it) through.

The toughness she needs is something she needs to dig down and find.
You can't do this for her.

I'm a parent too. I will wager that we would both say that it's the best job we've ever had.

Sorry you (and she) are going through this. Have you joined the Facebook groups for her squad and her class? You may find some support there. She could also reach out to her coach (a C3C) for advice. Hugs to you!

As a 3/C mom of a MIDN I empathize with you. Our DS had a lot of negative things to say his plebe year during Covid. Turns out I was his safe space to vent.

Most days I just let him vent and then redirected to positive points or things on the horizon. It's hard to complain about a roommate to that roommate. But, at the end of the day I reminded him how hard he worked to get there, how much he wanted it and how time would fly and he would look back on the challenges and know he met them, some he might excel at, some he might barely clear the bar. But--they would be in the rear view mirror.

I concur with the mention of Chaplains, and a state parent group for mom and dad. Our local parent group has been amazing for me, and now, as a 3/C mom I am helping and mentoring the new parents. It helps to know you are not alone in this.

You are on one rollercoaster ride. Your DD is on another. They both have ups and down, just not at the same time. Different tracks. Hang in there, you have support, and your DD does, she needs to seek it in the Chaplains who are experienced in handling all the ups and downs.

I had two colleagues come see me today and both vented about their kids in college.

The first brought me batteries for our CPR manikins and I made the mistake of asking how Lulu was doing. She had been a student of mine and I knew what was about to hit me. "Oh, she hates it. She's depressed. She has fallen behind already." Lulu, not her real name, is in her first year at our state's lowest ranked university. She was a lazy high school student and had a flat, kind of apathetic affect. I'm happy she didn't ask me to write her recommendation letter.

My next visitor was a teacher wanting me to diagnose his headache. I knew he had been having issues with his son who is a third year at West Point. Yes, that West Point. I asked, how's the boy doing? "Still has girlfriend trouble. He missed practice the other day. Etc." I took his blood pressure and it was through the roof.

I had no advice for them. All parents worry about their kids in college regardless of which institution or grade level. I get it. First year at a service academy is tough I've heard. I would do the usual shoulder to cry on thing parents have to do but also ask the kid to remember why they went through the process to get to where they are. The prestige of an academy education? The resume entry from an academy education? A career in the military, maybe? At that time they can reevaluate their reasons for wanting to attend. As mentioned above, it gets easier. If a few months of misery isn't worth the benefits of life as a military officer then it might be time to punch out.

But, I'd bet you, OP, are taking it harder than the situation calls for. That's what parents do.

Doolie year is very hard. My C3C went through ups and downs last year but stuck it out to see the light shine this year. This past summer was the best he ever had. He would find things to volunteer for, he joined clubs, and tried to get out of room. Keep encouraging cadet. Break is coming up and that is a good focus. Hang in there mom. It gets better.

So sorry you are feeling at wits end, fellow purple H!

If you haven't gotten a call from leadership, then she is actually doing awesome! It is completely normal and every parent has gone through this - listening to your DD/DS in their Moments of Despair. She's going through both normal college-ing and missing the comfort, security, and the Known of Home. That is a good thing - it means you raised her right, and that is her safe place! So pivot and give yourself a pat on the back!

Another big thumbs up for your state/regional parents group. It is a great way to channel your energy - they always need people for spiritwear, club officers, state night, military ball, you name it! The upperclass parents have been so helpful with information and perspective - they are SO WISE!!!! If not be geographic area, there are also squadron groups and maybe your class committee needing officers and help.

Agree with all posters above. Doolie year is very difficult; there is a steep learning curve, tough academics, getting used to military things, physical training, and college-ing. Hang in there through Thanksgiving and winter break, and then a push to Recognition!

I appreciate the situation you are in. As @Devil Doc mentioned, "ask the kid to remember why they went through the process to get to where they are." I would remind them that they are an adult now, and they can make their own decisions- but also remind them that they will have to live with those decisions for the rest of their lives. A SA, and the service commitment thereafter, aren't for everybody- and maybe it is not right for your DD, and if so then she'll very likely succeed elsewhere (I wouldn't tell her that, IMO, but it's the truth). I would most likely re-direct to the positive, re-direct to what's to come (holidays, major events, spring break, the end of her first year, etc). I am 100% confident it will get better if she has the personal awareness to honestly ask herself what she wants and then sticks to it, whatever path that might be. Good luck.

I've posted this before -- I didn't write it; it was sent to me back in '09 when my DS was struggling -- applies to all SA's
Also, if you attended Parent's Weekend, it's very common almost all Doolies are miserable after seeing parents and having some freedom for the weekend.

From Someone's Very Wise Mother

1. If AFA is not for you, you have a home to come to if you leave. I will still love you and be as proud of you as I am today. However, you must not
leave on a bad day, but a good one, and you must have a plan for your future education along with the means to support it so that you can realize your dreams. This should never be a frivolous decision because you have discovered all the 'crap' you have to deal with. Each day is different and has it stresses and fun.

2. AFA has dealt with its share of scandals in the past few years, and many of the problems have stemmed from cadets drinking, both under aged and legally. I would want my son to understand that a bottle of beer or one too many, could end his dreams and it is never going to be worth it. Don't break my heart and destroy what you have been blessed with over alcohol.

3. Life is not fair in the civilian world, and it seems more unfair in the military world, but don't ever let that deter you from your goals. You make
things work for you and learn to suck up the stupid stuff.

4. The right girl/guy for you will stick with you through thick and thin and support your choice as a cadet and be tolerant of what you have to deal with. The wrong girl/guy will ask you to give it all up for her/him with no regard for your ambitions.

5. No matter what your peers do, it is up to you to make the right choice for yourself. Peer pressure is an excuse for the weak and you are in a leadership laboratory. Remember that.

6. It's so much easier to follow the rules than it is to sweat getting caught if you break them, and not be able to concentrate on the important things in your present. BTW, you WILL get caught.

7. Academics come first and foremost. You are there for the education, not to become the world's greatest boot shiner. Do everything to the best of your ability, but know the priorities for success at AFA.

8. Time management is the best skill anyone can have, and it is one you must master at AFA, because they will stress you with too much to do in too little time. Each day seems to take forever, but the years fly by.

9. Keep in touch with your family. I would love to get one or two minutes of your free time each week just to hear your voice.

10. Be honest with me about what is happening for you. If you are stressed, having academic problems, need to vent, or whatever, I love you and will be there for you always. I will do all I can to help, even if it is just to listen to you rant.

All good advice already.

Yes, being the sounding board can be exhausting. Stressful. Tiresome. And none of that is necessarily unique to a SA. But it is to parenting.

If you are able to listen, nod, and say ‘I’m so sorry’, or ‘that IS difficult’, then keep doing that. For them to vent. But if it is too much for you, maybe try having her talk to DH instead of you? Or find yourself a battle buddy (PM someone here, or via parents club, or class pages) to vent to yourself.

I HIGHLY recommend her speaking with chaplains. I’m a HUGE fan, as they are boots on the ground, familiar with all things USAFA, and are trained and able to identify real problems. Bc those DO exist. They can get to the root of the issue and maybe it’s something as easy as changing roommates. My own went through some iso/Covid stuff back in the day and they were instrumental in his successfully getting through his stuff (gf dumped him too…but he is thriving now!). And I also chatted with them (with DS’s permission, but nothing private).

What I’m getting at, if for you to also find some healthy coping mechanisms. It’s great to be their sounding board, but also a curse. My experience with becoming an adult, is soon this part will end. They will be confident and have the skills to manage their own lives. And/or a significant other/peer group that will become her sounding board. This took a little longer with my DD than with my DS’s, but it has happened with all of them.

Hang in there! And know that the worst thing that can happen, isn’t the end of the world. No matter what, we all get through our STUFF. She won’t be able to actually quit without a long, reflective process. And if that ultimately happens, y’all move on. Not the first time it’s happens and it doesnt happen quickly or without discernment.

This is her journey. She will need to own it. Work through it. And the outcome will be even sweeter bc it was HERS.

One thing that sticks out to me is that she calls you twice per day. I can only wonder if too much communication with you is keeping her from committing to USAFA and keeping part of her at home. That could make all of the hard stuff even harder. I do think it is good to have a safe place to vent. 4 degrees (and 3 degrees too) have to do a lot of things that seem dumb and that can be discouraging. School is hard. Upperclassmen are jerks. Roommates can be terrible. Venting these things to mom or dad can be great. However, too much venting can keep a cadet in that dark place. At some point, you have to let it go, put your head down, and keep moving.

I have been a cadet but have not been the parent of a cadet yet, so take my words with a grain of salt. Back in my day (said as I am leaning on my cane), we had 1 x 30 min call per week as 4 degrees. I vented. Dad said I could come home. I said, "No, thanks." And the year kept moving. I'm not saying that should be the standard but it might be time to encourage more time in between calls.

I loved what greentrees posted. I will be printing that out in anticipation of sending my firstborn to college or an academy next year.

One thing that sticks out to me is that she calls you twice per day. I can only wonder if too much communication with you is keeping her from committing to USAFA and keeping part of her at home.

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We hosted a foreign exchange student, and one of the guidelines they had for them as they transitioned was to not contact anyone from home or the first two weeks (they were given a separate person from the organization they could contact if they had any issues with the host family) ...it helped them bond with the host family.

I am not sure if your DD has covid restrictions as that makes everything harder, but you could tell her that you think that maybe next week you think that contact should reduce to once a day (and then over time, less). Also suggest she talk to the chaplain to see if her issues are unique or are they like many other first year students that have gone through the academy and what advice they have.

FlyingTigerMom said:

Sorry you (and she) are going through this. Have you joined the Facebook groups for her squad and her class? You may find some support there. She could also reach out to her coach (a C3C) for advice. Hugs to you!

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I think reaching out to her coach is a great start. I think joining the Facebook group is a bad idea. For every helpful post, there will be 9 that will cause you to play the "kid comparison game" in your mind. Just my personal opinion, but if your dealing with that kind of stress now, I'd stay away from Facebook.

99Gold said:

At some point, you have to let it go, put your head down, and keep moving.

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If this isn't the line the sums up doolie year, I don't know what is. The key to success, as many have said before, is to work together and find people to make your life better. You can't do it by yourself, and trying to do it alone will hurt you. Another strategy that I use is I try to find at least one good thing every day. Whether it's seeing the sunlight hit the mountains in the morning, a funny joke, an interesting class, or good food in Mitch's (haha that will never happen), there is ALWAYS something every day that can make you smile. If you focus too much on the bad, which is very easy to do because there is plenty of it, you will get dragged down and your time here will be a living hell. But if you go out of your way to find the positives in your day, it makes things much more manageable and can even make things enjoyable. Last thing, talk to the Chaplains because they are awesome and specifically trained to deal with struggling cadets.

Wife of an '84 grad, Mom of a 2013 grad and current sponsor mom...
Agree with the suggestions of reducing the twice daily phone calls home, having your DD talk with a chaplain and having YOU join your local USAFA Parents Club for support.
One suggestion that I didn't see mentioned... has your DD received a sponsor family? If not, she can reach out to the Sponsor Office to request an assignment. As a sponsor family, we provide a "home away from home" on the weekends-- a relaxing environment where cadets can get away from the rigors of the Academy, a place to take a much needed nap, get home-cooked meals (& we also often serve as a "sounding board" for cadets to vent!)

Your cadet will find her people, and once that support network is in place, the landscape will change. The doolie year is difficult up through Recognition. It is designed that way. You got this!

Devil Doc said:

I had two colleagues come see me today and both vented about their kids in college.

The first brought me batteries for our CPR manikins and I made the mistake of asking how Lulu was doing. She had been a student of mine and I knew what was about to hit me. "Oh, she hates it. She's depressed. She has fallen behind already." Lulu, not her real name, is in her first year at our state's lowest ranked university. She was a lazy high school student and had a flat, kind of apathetic affect. I'm happy she didn't ask me to write her recommendation letter.

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I can just see it now:


Admissions Office
Lowest Ranked State U in State
2622 Below Average Drive
Anytown, USA


Dear Sir and/or Madam:

I am writing this letter on behalf of Lulu, one of the most uninspired, lazy and generally far below average students I have ever taught in any academic setting. Her aptitude for underachievement, deep lack of understanding and overall apathy, malaise and ambivalence are unparalleled by her peers. Moreover, her dull, flat and uninspired countenance and affect are so alarming that you will have a difficult time discerning whether she is indeed conscious most of the time, which will be a real gift for the School of the Arts when aspiring painters will require a still life subject for hours at time.

Without equivocation, I can tell you that if Lowest Ranked State U wants a student that will contribute to your school's continued decline in all areas of academics, Lulu is the right applicant for that lofty goal. Lulu will undoubtedly serve your needs as a perfect cautionary tale for others at your school that are considering whether full tuition is worth paying when you are on Academic Probation from the first week of freshman year, and most certainly when any instructor needs an unfailing guarantee for the far left of the bell curve in any given course.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you have further questions or if I can provide any additional information about Lulu's incredible ability to not outshine even the very worst of your applicants and students.


Sincerely,

@Devil Doc