Exhausted Doolie Parent

For the OP,
It sounds like one or a combo of a couple things is happening.
1. They are still overly attached to you. While every family communicates differently, multiple calls a day is a lot. Your cadet may be struggling with being an independent adult, now. If that's the case, be supportive but not a crutch. You can be a mentor, but don't try to solve their problems for them.
2. They are realizing USAFA is not the right place for them (happens to 20-25% of cadets). If it really isn't for them, they need to decide on a better plan. Don't just quit. If they leave, it should be with a plan for a better alternative. "Never run away. Always run towards something."
3. (Quite likely) They are struggling to adapt to the stress of the Academy. This is normal, but frustrating. USAFA is designed to be challenging. It is a learning experience!
 
I am exhausted by the stress and crying and "I hate it here, I want to come home, I am not doing well." I listen, and I hear some shining moments, but honestly, I am getting 95% negativity. It is affecting my mental health too. The rollercoaster is no joke. My Doolie feels totally unsupported there; I continue to listen and have been getting two phone calls a day full of negativity. I think I have left no stone unturned in trying to figure out what to do from asking if paperwork should be filed to saying stay focused on the shining moments (which get shot down too now) to small talk to make the conversations more positive. My Doolie said everyone in her squad is depressed (C3Cs included) except the leadership. Three Doolies want to file paperwork :( along with roommate also saying same things about hating it although that roommate is IC so gets to escape when traveling. I know there is no easy answer just like I know this is not easy. I know these feelings are common too. I am happy to keep on keeping up with this, but I need some hope or some thought about how to tackle this that I have not figured out.

It is stressful as a parent to hear that your child is struggling.

As 2023 parents, we told our DD to make small goals to make each week/month. We tried to facetime her once a week with some positive messages. She grew daily and showed some great mental fortitude as the days went by that doolie year.

They will grow in the next few months and they will lean on their host family. Our DD host family helped with the transition quite a bit.
 
It is stressful as a parent to hear that your child is struggling.

As 2023 parents, we told our DD to make small goals to make each week/month. We tried to facetime her once a week with some positive messages. She grew daily and showed some great mental fortitude as the days went by that doolie year.

They will grow in the next few months and they will lean on their host family. Our DD host family helped with the transition quite a bit.
Great advice.
 
Sounds like time for some tough love.

OP, tell your daughter to pull on her big girl panties and suck it up.

Remind her she #1 is in a military academy, and #2 one of the finest universities in the country. Oh, and #3, there were 4.37 gazillion candidates she beat out who would love to trade places.

All 3 of my progeny left home this past summer to attend a state university. All are learning some tough life lessons (like dad's bucket of money isn't bottomless, and he can't just swoop in from 350 miles away to fix all their problems). My son is in AROTC, and is learning that he's been a pampered, privileged child up to this point. He is figuring out in short order that he, and only he can make himself fit in ROTC. And my daughters (no military inclinations), though only a month into this ride have already figured out that whining fixes nothing.

I'm retired enlisted, but was stationed in Co. Springs for 7 years in total, and worked for numerous Academy grads over my career. Definitely the better officers on the whole, but, in fairness, I worked for a lot of good ROTC and OCS officers too. If your daughter's goal is to really be one of the top officers in the USAF, she needs to just get a grip, focus on the positive, and dismiss the negative.

Oh, and be thankful for what she has!
 
If your daughter's goal is to really be one of the top officers in the USAF, she needs to just get a grip, focus on the positive, and dismiss the negative.
That's the meat of the problems like this for all young people who hate the first few weeks of life in the academies or military basic training.

They should reflect on the reasons for being there, and if they do not want to be an officer, or Marine, or Soldier, then they should go home.

Going home isn't so easy however in Marine boot camp for example. Did this person fall, jump, or was he pushed? If he committed suicide just to get away then that is a tragedy.

 
This reminds of one of the big lessons I learned in life.

I decided to go to law school. It was my focus for 4 straight years. I graduated college with 4.0, took the LSAT, when all was said and done, I got to pick between 11 schools that offered me admission.

Sounds great, right?!?!?!

Not so much.

I packed my car and moved 1200 miles away to attend law school. It was completely unfamiliar. I didn't quite fit in with my classmates and oh lord, the amount of studying. It was hell, or so I thought it was. About 4 weeks in I was crying and basically having a big old pity party for myself. I had no free time, all I was doing was studying, I wasn't eating right, wasn't having fun, never got to go out....etc.

I finally called my granny thinking that for sure she would tell me to quit, that it was okay. Bless her, she let me tell her all about my new hell for a solid 30 minutes. When I finally calmed down and wasn't blubbering on and on about how miserable I was in the hopes she would tell me to quit, she told me, "Well honey, this is what you wanted."

I paused for a solid minute because she was exactly right, it was what I wanted.

I got off the phone and realized a few more things, not only was it what I wanted, but the longer I fought this new life, the harder and more miserable I was going to make myself. I had to dive in and embrace it and make it my own. There was no one that was going to "fix" anything, no one was going to give me an out.

I did, and with the realization life got better. It was never what it was before law school, but I was no longer a kid, I was a young adult learning to navigate the world on my own.
 
My cadet sometimes has the same feelings, but he got good marks on 2 GRs this week, so that lifted his spirits and confidence. I do, however, has a little "golden nugget" in my back pocket for the next pendulum swing:

"Being negative only makes a journey more negative. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it."
 
"Being negative only makes a journey more negative. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it."
I need to write that down. I tell my boys something like that all the time but a cactus quote might hit it home. It became clear to me by the time I hit 40 that if I have a bad attitude going in, the experience is much more likely to be negative. Of course, boys LOVE to listen to advice from their moms, right?
 
Sorry to hear this struggle. Where you able to visit during this past weekend for Parents weekend? If so, how was DD then? Have you reached out to the Chaplain corps? What is your DD real issue? Homesick? Physical demands? Academics?
We did see her PW. She was great until she had to go back which led me to my post. She met with a Chaplain once, and said it didn't help. I asked her again, and she said she doesn't have time. She has anxiety so says she stays in her room a lot just like most Doolies to avoid running and greeting. Academics seem ok. I think she thinks the grass is greener.
 
I could have written the same post many, many times over the last 3 years. My kid is a mid so I don't know if it's exactly the same but, I just listen to him vent. I don't think they have a lot of safe places to vent. I try to get him to stay focused on the future and not spiral down into a pit of despair. Again, "A great place to be from".
Thanks @ProudDad2022 - a lot of my friends agree with you even civilian kids vent and have a learning curve for their new environment. I am listening and always hope for the best when she calls.
 
As a parent, it is so hard when we can't fix things for our child (even when they are no longer a child but an adult, making their way in this world). Please take time to take care of yourself - go for a walk, sit still for 30 minutes and listen to soothing music - whatever makes you take a breath for even just a little while. You are doing a great job of continuing to encourage and listen to your Doolie. May I encourage you to reach out to your local state parent's club? You will find caring people who are available for each other as you navigate this journey called USAFA together. Parents need battle buddies too. Hugs to you!
@mommahedg Thank you for this advice. Trying hard to take care of myself. I appreciate the advice regarding the Parents' Club. I will reach out to them. I had not thought of this angle.
 
Nobody joins the military that they think they're joining. I blame the movies and TV for a lot of that.

It gets better. Civilians are often soft and not mature enough to deal with adversity or even challenge, in large doses. The military fixes that in short order. It's really the "short order" of going from civilian to military that is so hard on a lot of people. I seldom meet anyone who doesn't come out of it a better person and with better skills all around. I guarantee that every single one of her peers has had some of the same experiences and they made it (or are making it) through.

The toughness she needs is something she needs to dig down and find.
You can't do this for her.

I'm a parent too. I will wager that we would both say that it's the best job we've ever had. :)
@THParent Thank you for the encouragement. I keep waiting for it to get better, and it seems to have stalled out with negative nelly. Agree that she needs to dig and do this herself.
 
"Being negative only makes a journey more negative. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it."
And, "It's gets better" should be added to the One-liner advice thread.
 
Sorry you (and she) are going through this. Have you joined the Facebook groups for her squad and her class? You may find some support there. She could also reach out to her coach (a C3C) for advice. Hugs to you!
@FlyingTigerMom I am in those groups. During BCT, the FB groups were helpful, but now its mostly rainbow and glitter blowing around so not sure that is helpful to me. I do have a couple of moms that I can talk to as well, but every kid's journey is diffferent so we can commensurate on the toughness which is about it. Her coach has been amazing, but is very similiar to her in many ways so that is tough since her coach hates it there too apparentely. Thanks for the reply and hugs.
 
@FlyingTigerMom I am in those groups. During BCT, the FB groups were helpful, but now its mostly rainbow and glitter blowing around so not sure that is helpful to me. I do have a couple of moms that I can talk to as well, but every kid's journey is diffferent so we can commensurate on the toughness which is about it. Her coach has been amazing, but is very similiar to her in many ways so that is tough since her coach hates it there too apparentely. Thanks for the reply and hugs.
I am a mom of a 2025er. Things aren’t all rainbow and glitter for me or my DS. It’s tough. It’s a challenge. Some of his friends have left. He’s on a roller coaster. I hear all the time, “You wouldn’t understand. It’s not like a normal college.” He’s involved in all sorts of traditions and shenanigans. And he’s thriving. His first weekend of freedom/liberty was spent on restriction- with the doolies in his squadron. It sucked. He got through it. Today is a new week. If you’d like to hear what has worked for my DS and me, please reach out. I’ll tell you what worked for us and how I’ve been trying to reach the point of letting go. He’s my only child and we live in Florida, not an easy commute to COS. I have good days and bad. So does my DS. But he reaches out to resources there and I have friends and DH here. Hope to hear from you.
 
It does get better. The clubs start up so there's fun stuff to do on the weekends. Religious weekend retreats start up too.
And then there's all those football games you get to go to...for free;) (which reminds me, make sure your cadet has those hand warmers [& thermals!] they sell for hunting. It gets real cold & they're great for hands & feet. They were hard to get when it gets cold...& that was before COVID!)
Near exam time, the parent's club will come in with chocolate chip cookies, popcorn, etc..really great people.
I'm sure I'm leaving out stuff but you get the idea.
"The days are long but the week's are short."
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