How involved should I be?

rholt said:

I am impressed to hear how many of you parents really stepped back and let the child run the process. I will be honest - I have not. I have been 100% "in the trenches" with my son over the last 3 months working on this.

Applying to a service academy strikes me as one of the most bureaucratically intensive exercises most people will ever deal with in their life. The elaborate array of submission requirements, forms with exacting instructions and no second chance deadlines is a recipe for disaster for someone not schooled in the art of paperwork karate.

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RHolt Dad. I’m glad you’re involved 100%. Just be sure your DS is also involved 100%. In the end, he will own it. If successful, from I-Day R-Day your DS is all on his own. But I agree the entire process in daunting for the child and parents. Child today, but will quickly reform and become an adult on the first week of July. And he will be reminded of that 24/7.

As I was raising my DS, I can’t help but reflect back to that movie “Up.” Don’t be that Dad in the movie who’s never there for his son, “Russell,” to the end. If you are able and can do, do what is right for your DS while you can. But let him gradually do the heavy lifting while you be his constant wingman. I see no shame in helping more at times when necessary as our children are multi-tasking many things, being tested at the most extreme challenges in their lives. I see it as a balance like everything in life. Us parents are also gradually transforming to let go! Not easy for many but we too are transforming.

We went through the process with two sons. Went to the DODMERB exam as we needed to sign consent for treatment, drove them to SA interview and stayed when requested but them promptly left, and drove to MOC interview but dropped off and waited outside or in a nearby coffee shop, restaurant, etc.

We were the copy editors and cheerleaders. We prayed for them, encouraged them, helped formulated plan B, C and D, rejoiced over the good news and allowed time and space for the bad news. Each of my kids needed a little bit different approach but we made it through with both of them and they are both where they want to be: one in prep school and the other in AFROTC.

AFROTC had a cadet/parent orientation we attended before the start of the school year. The commander told the cadets (and parents) leaving no room for deviation that this was the last interaction he would have with the parents. If parents had questions they needed to ask them now. The student was an adult, preparing to lead airmen in a few short years and needed to act like adults. They would not address concerns or questions from parents after that point.

CrewDad said:

RHolt Dad. I’m glad you’re involved 100%. Just be sure your DS is also involved 100%. In the end, he will own it. If successful, from I-Day R-Day your DS is all on his own.

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Whatever approach a parent takes, please start the weaning process as soon as the BFE arrives.

Spend some time on cadet/midshipman parents’ social media, and you’ll see many people still trying to micromanage their kids, trying to solve every problem, trying to salve every injury, wound or sickness — all on the wide, open spaces of Facebook! As a mid dad, I’m quite embarrassed by it, not so much for the parents but for their kids. I often wonder, what would your kid think if they saw that post or knew you’d revealed something personal or learned that you’d posted a private letter or text they’d sent you? Some of it is cringe-inducing.

As parents, we like to think we’re indispensable. True as that may be, our parenting must take a different form — drastically so, for some — when our kids enter an SA. They’ll be better for it, and so will we.

rholt said:

I am impressed to hear how many of you parents really stepped back and let the child run the process. I will be honest - I have not. I have been 100% "in the trenches" with my son over the last 3 months working on this.

Applying to a service academy strikes me as one of the most bureaucratically intensive exercises most people will ever deal with in their life. The elaborate array of submission requirements, forms with exacting instructions and no second chance deadlines is a recipe for disaster for someone not schooled in the art of paperwork karate.

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I let my son work through the minutia and helped when he asked questions. He is both independent and resourceful and needed almost no assistance. When he was in the candidate stage, his mom was deceased and I was away on business travel so my then-girlfriend took him to his physical and I brought him for the eye test. I'm a firm believer in expecting them to stand on their own by the time they are getting ready for college and our four kids gave me little to prove me wrong.

For my DD I met her at the doctor's office and the male PA came out and said, "only one, only her" and that was that. For the BGO at our home we talked with him for about 40 minutes and went downstairs, he talked with her for another 2 hours.

4BoysMom said:

I don’t want anyone to think his parents don’t care

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It will not hurt your son's application one iota if anyone involved in this process thinks his parents aren't on board. We weren't. Our son handled the entire application process from his boarding school 2,500 miles away from home and drove himself to all appointments. We didn't lift a finger and weren't aware of the steps involved. All we knew was that when those envelopes arrived, the military was going to get our son. I have posted as much here over the past three years. The reason I am even here is to listen to the conversation as background to our son's journey, consider other points of view, and perhaps inject counterpoint where it makes sense (to me). He's now a Firstie at USMA. It was the right choice for him even if it's taken his parents a while to get over it.

Your kids CAN do this entirely on their own. (I'm not saying they SHOULD, just that they certainly CAN.)

Aside from driving DD to the medical and the MOC interview she did it all. I don't think we ever saw any of the applications or essays from the Academy or any plan B school.

It doesn't appear cookie-cutter, you have to assess your own and determine what kind of help they really need.

My wife and I are currently struggling with this scenario. How much supervision is needed or even warranted.

My son is a recruited athlete with several different options available to him. He has athletic scholarships (likely letters) for two separate sports to Ivies and BCS schools and was told a USNA LOA is on the way and should be received in 5-10 days. We had no idea he was even interested in USNA but apparently he started the application process and whatnot.

I played college football and basically went to Big Time U because my parents wanted me to go there. I want my son to make his own choices but can't help and look over his shoulder, especially as it pertains to the SA admission process and how out of left field this USNA scenario occurred.

IronLion said:

We had no idea he was even interested in USNA but apparently he started the application process and whatnot.

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Every parent has a different level of communication and rapport with each child. Some kids are just more open and sharing than others. The relationship is unique to you and your son.

It doesn't hurt to ask him if he would like to bounce the different choices and get mom and dad's opinion about it. Otherwise, if he says he is okay, then you should respect his privacy. At least that is my opinion.

Good luck to your DS.

IronLion said:

My wife and I are currently struggling with this scenario. How much supervision is needed or even warranted.

My son is a recruited athlete with several different options available to him. He has athletic scholarships (likely letters) for two separate sports to Ivies and BCS schools and was told a USNA LOA is on the way and should be received in 5-10 days. We had no idea he was even interested in USNA but apparently he started the application process and whatnot.

I played college football and basically went to Big Time U because my parents wanted me to go there. I want my son to make his own choices but can't help and look over his shoulder, especially as it pertains to the SA admission process and how out of left field this USNA scenario occurred.

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If you haven’t already, read every webpage, link and drop down on USNA.edu, so you understand the career choices and commitments. If your DS chooses USNA if offered an appointment, he is really choosing a career in the Navy or Marine Corps for at least 5 years after graduation, and being in active duty status from the day he reports in late June. This is not so you can counsel him, as it is for you to understand that something is calling him to explore a path of service as a military officer. In particular, absorb the mission statement of USNA. Just be a good listener.

USNA is a place where he can play a D1 sport (or not), where everyone is “on scholarship,” where he is with like-minded athletic and academic performers in an immersion military setting.

If he is in contact with USNA coaches, perhaps there will an invitation for a recruited athlete visit. USNA can always be visited on your own, attending the Admissions brief as a family and taking a self-guided or guided tour. There are also CVW, candidate visits, throughout the year. The more knowledge, the more informed the decision. USNA has to feel right to him.

I have attached a link to a story below about two men who became friends at USNA, not to scare the pants off you because of the inherent risk in military life, but to demonstrate the richness and the uniqueness of the bonds that occur at service academies. They were two regular guys, both athletes, who knew they wanted to serve. It’s the story of Travis Manion and Brendan Looney.
https://communitytable.parade.com/2...-side-by-side-at-arlington-national-cemetery/


It’s why, if you go over to the Sen John McCain thread in Academy/Military news, you’ll see that John McCain wanted to come back to where it all started for him, his 60 years of service, at the Naval Academy. And why, hundreds of midshipmen voluntarily donned their uniforms on a 3-day weekend to stand in the midday heat, lining the route from the USNA Chapel, to salute him. There is something that calls to them to be part of those who serve, regardless of officer or enlisted status, or source of commission.

Let your son follow the path as far as he wishes, and figure out whether that’s where his heart lies.

Thank you Capt MJ for all the information you provide. I can't tell you how many posts of yours I've read over the past few weeks.

Edit: Yes, a visit is tentatively scheduled in October.

It’s one of the ways I feel like I am still serving, if I can share insights and experience.

Not a parent but current applicant throwing in my experience. I would say the best thing is to just ask you DS/DD how involved they want you to be. After I told my parents I wanted to apply there(shock to my mother) they helped arrange a visit to a relative nearby for me, and would ask me almost weekly where I was in my application. I eventually just told them that I will get it done and not to worry. I think it is just different to each kid and the relationship they have with their parents.

It will depend on the BGO. We introduced ourselves, gave a very brief background then tried to leave. A little over an hour later he was finished with us. 3 hours in total later he was done with my daughter. DoDmerb she was on her own.

MidCakePa said:

DODMERB: If he’s not yet 18, helps to have you there if they need permission to do a certain procedure.

BGO: The BGO may very well invite you to the first part of the interview, to answer any questions you may have. After that, make yourself scarce — as in, leave the house, if you can.

Nomination: Don’t go. Drop him off, if necessary, but don’t go inside.

Others may disagree. This worked for my DD, and was a big step in letting her own the process and the decision.

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We have an open concept house - so it is difficult to scatter if the BGO interviews at the house.
And, well ... I'm not saying anything... but when we've hired male tutors for my DD, we stayed in the house. I would think a single adult male would not want to be alone with a teenage girl (or boy).
I would of course not sit at the table with them during the interview, but would chose to remain in the house so as not to put the BGO in an awkward situation.
If the interview is in a public setting, I would be comfortable dropping my DD off for an interview.

IronLion said:

My wife and I are currently struggling with this scenario. How much supervision is needed or even warranted.

My son is a recruited athlete with several different options available to him. He has athletic scholarships (likely letters) for two separate sports to Ivies and BCS schools and was told a USNA LOA is on the way and should be received in 5-10 days. We had no idea he was even interested in USNA but apparently he started the application process and whatnot.

I played college football and basically went to Big Time U because my parents wanted me to go there. I want my son to make his own choices but can't help and look over his shoulder, especially as it pertains to the SA admission process and how out of left field this USNA scenario occurred.

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Update: Well my son came to us this morning and said he narrowed things down to 4 schools and USNA is one of them. He did receive a LOA and already has a scheduled DODMERB appt. He said he didn't need any help other than proofreading so that's where we landed.

IronLion said:

IronLion said:

My wife and I are currently struggling with this scenario. How much supervision is needed or even warranted.

My son is a recruited athlete with several different options available to him. He has athletic scholarships (likely letters) for two separate sports to Ivies and BCS schools and was told a USNA LOA is on the way and should be received in 5-10 days. We had no idea he was even interested in USNA but apparently he started the application process and whatnot.

I played college football and basically went to Big Time U because my parents wanted me to go there. I want my son to make his own choices but can't help and look over his shoulder, especially as it pertains to the SA admission process and how out of left field this USNA scenario occurred.

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Update: Well my son came to us this morning and said he narrowed things down to 4 schools and USNA is one of them. He did receive a LOA and already has a scheduled DODMERB appt. He said he didn't need any help other than proofreading so that's where we landed.

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Congrats to your son on the LOA-

There's a fine line between being involved parents who cares about where their kid goes to school and want to help them realize their dreams and parents who are doing the work and/or driving the process.

Here are some examples:

• Kid writes an essay and parent reads it, pointing out spelling/grammar issues, making suggestions on how it could be better vs. writing the essay for the kid or editing so heavily that it's essentially the parent's work.
• Parent helps kid organize list of questions to ask when kids calls MOC nom committee representative vs. parent making the call.
• Parent arranges transportation to/from CVW/NASS vs. parent strong-arming kid into participating.

Can't speak for other colleges/universities, but if you're going to be successful at a SA, you -- the mid/cadet -- must own it. It's challenging enough for those who truly want to be there. If it wasn't your idea to attend, it's probably not going to end up being successful.

Also, come I-Day, it's on YOU the plebe to get stuff done and done right. Mommy and daddy won't be there to make sure your room is clean, your uniform is squared away, you study for your chemistry quiz, you memorize your rates, you pass the PRT, etc. Thus, if a kid doesn't start learning to manage stuff on his/her own before heading to a SA, it's going to be incredibly difficult to start figuring it all out.

That's not to say it's inappropriate or wrong-headed for a parent to help. But your kid will be much more successful in the long run, if you show him/her how to do it or how to do it better rather than doing it for him/her.

usna1985 said:

Also, come I-Day, it's on YOU the plebe to get stuff done and done right.

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Hear, hear, @usna1985. The big packet of paperwork that DD needed to fill out prior to I-Day — I never saw the completed version. Before checking in that morning, she merely handed me a manila envelope with copies of each doc. I think she felt really great for having done it all herself. I know I felt great that she did.

Someone may have said this earlier on the thread, but i think parents should always review any medical forms the kid filled out. They tend to self-diagose themselves with diseases they don't have. If there is no medical diagnosis then they dont have it.