Personal Statement - Any Thoughts?

Hello,

I am reapplying for the class of 2023, having not gotten an appointment last year. My application is nearly complete, just waiting for my college transcripts to be ready in the next week or so. I just met with my BGO yesterday and all went well. I have a principle nom from my MOC and straight A's this semester, including my Naval Science and NROTC courses. The one thing I am looking for feedback on is my personal statement. Can any of you offer some feedback? Here it is:

April 16, 2018 was a motivational day for me. That was the day, despite all of my efforts, that I was notified I would not be offered an Appointment for the Class of 2022. As disappointing as that day was I was not going to let that circumstance either define me or dampen my goals of attending USNA and pursuing a career as a military officer. This decision is one that I take quite seriously and something that I am very excited about. Throughout my life I have developed a strong dedication to patriotic service and I am confident the Naval Academy will provide me with the perfect environment to further develop my skills, exercise my passions, and challenge my leadership abilities. My commitment to Naval service has been further reinforced as I begin to understand more about the duties and level of commitment associated with becoming a Naval officer through my current College Program NROTC studies. I aggressively embrace every challenge that I am faced with, I am always striving for high achievement in everything I do, and I draw inspiration by the commitment and service of others. The thought of military service humbles me and only strengthens my motivation to become part of that great heritage.

Many things have helped to develop my character and integrity. This includes my loving family, strong faith, competitive athletics, and my commitment to (Eagle) Scouting. However, a recent event that stressed my resolve and caused me to “raise my game” was when I was informed that I would not receive an Appointment to the Class of 2022 during last year’s application cycle. I always look at defeat as a source of motivation and deeper focus. Upon speaking to both my nominating source and USNA advisor to understand where I was deficient, I became laser-focused on improving my qualifications for the Class of 2023. I retook my ACT and improved significantly in all areas. I completed three additional AP classes as a high school senior earning recognition as an AP Scholar. I improved my high school GPA and class standing and graduated with Honors. And I currently attend the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee (Engineering) and am a College Program NROTC student at Marquette. This focus, I strongly believe, has made me a more mature person, better-prepared to pursue my career and life goals, and a stronger candidate this year for USNA.

With all due respect, both to those who have served and our great military history, I am very excited at the prospect of attending USNA and serving as an officer in the United States Navy. While there is no way to predict my future as a Naval officer or how successful I might become, I always challenge myself in all aspects of my life and I believe that you get “what you work for”. I am confident that I am prepared to take on this challenge and that the USNA will surely help me to earn both my career and life goals.

The biggest thing I noticed is that you don't discuss why you want to join the Navy. Second, you don't discuss why the NA is better for you than NROTC. You're already plugged in to ROTC, sounds like you're succeeding, why not stay there? (Not asking for my own curiosity and you don't have to answer here, but I think you should consider the why not and cater your paper towards why the NA is the best option for you). At the end of the day, NROTC and USNA grads all put on butter bars and hit the fleet young, dumb, and full of excitement.

I learned nothing about you (outside of that maybe you're from Wisconsin) in this statement. I don't know who you are, what your military goals are, why you were inspired to look into this path.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, just stating what I see. If you want to discuss over PM, I'm free. I can also edit a word doc version if you'd like.

statechamps2017 said:

Throughout my life I have developed a strong dedication to patriotic service and I am confident the Naval Academy will provide me with the perfect environment to further develop my skills, exercise my passions, and challenge my leadership abilities.

Click to expand...

This essay has potential, but one thing that immediately stuck out to me was the broadness of many of your statements. See the above quoted sentences. What skills do you want to develop? What are your passions? If you are going to make statements like these, make sure to be specific and unique.

Also, I agree with @scutrules , the readers need to know more about you and less about your motivation (which is very clear) and your status as a reapplicant.

Some parts of your story aren't clear. If you got a TWE in April when there was probably 1 month or less remaining in your senior year of h.s., how were you able to........

statechamps2017 said:

I completed three additional AP classes as a high school senior earning recognition as an AP Scholar. I improved my high school GPA and class standing and graduated with Honors.

Click to expand...

The first two paragraphs basically talk about getting the TWE and as mentioned above, you are vague on the details of exactly how you plan to improve going forward.

statechamps2017 said:

Throughout my life I have developed a strong dedication to patriotic service

Click to expand...

.... but you provide no examples of how you exhibit that.

Should also have your English professor review it for grammatical errors & mixed metaphors, since there are several.

statechamps2017 said:

This decision is one that I take quite seriously and something that I am very excited about.

Click to expand...

statechamps2017 said:

With all due respect, both to those who have served and our great military history....

Click to expand...

That phrase usually means you are going to state something they would disagree with........

I am applying for c/o 23 also, so take my .02 with a grain of salt. I think talking about why USNA when you are already in NROTC. This is what my plan is if i do not get an appointment, and I have thought about my reasons why I want specifically USNA vs NROTC. Something to think about...

I like your writing style and the grammar is solid.

Good presentation. You can talk more about why USNA vs Wisconsin NROTC. Is 100% military experience as a MIDN an attraction, Academics, opportunity to involve your self in academic/Naval research in your 2/C as a Trident Scholar, to be part of USNA traditions, history and culture - not that you would know this yet, location, athletic programs at USNA?

It is called personal statement because it is supposed to be your statement. Asking for opinions from folks who do not know you IMHO is not something positive. I understand you are wanting to go to USNA but asking for advice from a chat board is questionable at best. Just my opinion.

ThePatternisFull said:

Asking for opinions from folks who do not know you IMHO is not something positive.

Click to expand...

+1 to @ThePatternisFull.

@statechamps2017, you need to seek genuine feedback from people who know you very well — parent, friend, teacher. Because the personal statement is all about authenticity, not telling USNA what you think they want to hear. Only people who know you well can tell whether your statement is really you. They’re the ones who can help tie together your experiences and aspirations and personality, and they’re the ones whose BS meters will go off if you’re laying it on too thick.

Folks here can give you generic advice. But generic advice will generally get you a generic statement that may or may not be true to you. Best wishes.

ThePatternisFull said:

It is called personal statement because it is supposed to be your statement. Asking for opinions from folks who do not know you IMHO is not something positive. I understand you are wanting to go to USNA but asking for advice from a chat board is questionable at best. Just my opinion.

Click to expand...

I completely agree. It is personal but it is also one of those things where other "sets of eyes" are sometimes helpful. Describing/selling yourself in 500 words or less is a lot harder than it might seem. I also understand that the Personal Statement is not the only/primary point of review, especially since I have a principal nomination. I just want it to be a good essay.

You sound very over-eager and aggressive in your tone. You mention your "laser-focus" and "aggressively embracing challenge." While those indicate commitment and drive, they also make you seem over-focused and hyper. You do seem ready to throw yourself into the challenges of life whole-heartedly, and ready to die for your country and friends. Also, the essay almost loops itself, seeing as you start off talking about the day you got your TWE, then in the second sentence of the second paragraph you say basically the same thing. It seems like you're writing the essay to the prompt, and not addressing the prompt indirectly while writing about yourself. Of course, that's how students are being taught to write in our school system, so it's hard to help.
Another thing is, you say:

statechamps2017 said:

Describing/selling yourself in 500 words or less is a lot harder than it might seem

Click to expand...

Yes, you do have to sell yourself, but you oversell. Focus on describing yourself. List accomplishments that are important and that are important to know. I probably don't need to know how you've improved your grades, because the admissions team can check your transcripts. Mention it briefly, and move on. As said above, elaborate on why you want to go to USNA and what you want to do. Hope it helps!

Make sure to read and answer the prompts exactly as it is stated (I am going off the prompts provided to BGOs, which should be the same ones you see in CIS -- either way, answer what is asked).
-In the first prompt, you never talk about your initial interest in USNA nor how USNA will help you meet your long range goals (you talk about service...but never make the connection to your long range goals).
-The second prompt asks about character development AND integrity...it isn't an "or." You seem to address the character aspect (i.e. resiliency), but how does this impact your integrity? Not saying you can't use the current example, but it should be clear to the reader on how it impacts BOTH aspects. Also, the same prompt asks for "a personal experience" -- I would get to addressing that experience immediately -- you are limited on characters/words, so do not waste them unnecessarily.

I recommend removing cliche terms - the couple that stood out to me - "raise my game" and "with all due respect."

As others have said, the content ultimately has to come from you -- the only real requirements are: limitation on characters/words, answering the prompts being asked, and making sure the spelling/grammar is taken care of.

Seek the help of an English teacher for a final polish on grammar, syntax and punctuation. Your writing should reflect college-level skills this time around.

Read it out loud - does any of it not sound like the real you or seem over the top? Even better, read it out loud to a friend. Does it sound natural and sincere?

As others have noted, avoid clichés, hyperbole and too gung-ho a tone.

If for any reason you plan to mention the classification of your nom in any written work, please use “principal” and not “principle.” One of the ways to remember is: Stand by your principles. Stand next to the principal. Or, the principal stood by his principles.

Congratulations on your grades, your ROTC performance and principal nom, and good luck! We’ll look for your name on the appointment list.

I strongly caution you on asking for critical feedback from this forum – it can prove beneficial from the perspective of how someone who does not know (admissions board) you will perceive the message you are attempting to convey.

I can tell you chose an experience from your past which has had an effect on your life – this choice has all the potential for you to exhibit how it has shaped your approach to becoming a leader in the Naval Service. Now you have to present it in that way to those who will read it.

I’ve learned through multiple planning teams and planning groups over my career that two items need to be understood up front before presenting information to a group: 1) identify the correct problem (what are you trying to convey – besides USNA is your dream school – why will it better prepare you for leading Marines and Sailors?!) and 2) identify, understand, and incorporate the mission statement into your solution (e.g. the in order to of the mission of USNA - in order to graduate leaders)

Lastly, your conclusion states USNA will surely (please delete surely) help me to earn both my career and life goals – think bigger/more than me, my, mine…ideally, consider those you will lead.

Take it or leave it, good luck and I wish you nothing but success.

statechamps2017 said:

Hello,

I am reapplying for the class of 2023, having not gotten an appointment last year. My application is nearly complete, just waiting for my college transcripts to be ready in the next week or so. I just met with my BGO yesterday and all went well. I have a principle nom from my MOC and straight A's this semester, including my Naval Science and NROTC courses. The one thing I am looking for feedback on is my personal statement. Can any of you offer some feedback? Here it is:

April 16, 2018 was a motivational day for me. That was the day, despite all of my efforts, that I was notified I would not be offered an Appointment for the Class of 2022. As disappointing as that day was I was not going to let that circumstance either define me or dampen my goals of attending USNA and pursuing a career as a military officer. This decision is one that I take quite seriously and something that I am very excited about. Throughout my life I have developed a strong dedication to patriotic service and I am confident the Naval Academy will provide me with the perfect environment to further develop my skills, exercise my passions, and challenge my leadership abilities. My commitment to Naval service has been further reinforced as I begin to understand more about the duties and level of commitment associated with becoming a Naval officer through my current College Program NROTC studies. I aggressively embrace every challenge that I am faced with, I am always striving for high achievement in everything I do, and I draw inspiration by the commitment and service of others. The thought of military service humbles me and only strengthens my motivation to become part of that great heritage.

Many things have helped to develop my character and integrity. This includes my loving family, strong faith, competitive athletics, and my commitment to (Eagle) Scouting. However, a recent event that stressed my resolve and caused me to “raise my game” was when I was informed that I would not receive an Appointment to the Class of 2022 during last year’s application cycle. I always look at defeat as a source of motivation and deeper focus. Upon speaking to both my nominating source and USNA advisor to understand where I was deficient, I became laser-focused on improving my qualifications for the Class of 2023. I retook my ACT and improved significantly in all areas. I completed three additional AP classes as a high school senior earning recognition as an AP Scholar. I improved my high school GPA and class standing and graduated with Honors. And I currently attend the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee (Engineering) and am a College Program NROTC student at Marquette. This focus, I strongly believe, has made me a more mature person, better-prepared to pursue my career and life goals, and a stronger candidate this year for USNA.

With all due respect, both to those who have served and our great military history, I am very excited at the prospect of attending USNA and serving as an officer in the United States Navy. While there is no way to predict my future as a Naval officer or how successful I might become, I always challenge myself in all aspects of my life and I believe that you get “what you work for”. I am confident that I am prepared to take on this challenge and that the USNA will surely help me to earn both my career and life goals.

Click to expand...

statechamps2017 said:

With all due respect,

Click to expand...

I don't usually read these, or other comments ..so if duplicative, sorry. That being said, I like your theme, but ditch the " With all due respect" . Nothing good has ever been prefaced with "with all due respect."

^^ And if you use such phrases, use them correctly. Typically, this is followed by a statement for which the listed individuals would NOT agree, otherwise it makes no sense to use that phrase.

While none of us know your background well enough to tell if you personal statement is appropriate, we certainly CAN comment on grammar/syntax/punctuation issues as many of us have already noted.

usnabgo08 said:

Make sure to read and answer the prompts exactly as it is stated (I am going off the prompts provided to BGOs, which should be the same ones you see in CIS -- either way, answer what is asked).
-In the first prompt, you never talk about your initial interest in USNA nor how USNA will help you meet your long range goals (you talk about service...but never make the connection to your long range goals).
-The second prompt asks about character development AND integrity...it isn't an "or." You seem to address the character aspect (i.e. resiliency), but how does this impact your integrity? Not saying you can't use the current example, but it should be clear to the reader on how it impacts BOTH aspects. Also, the same prompt asks for "a personal experience" -- I would get to addressing that experience immediately -- you are limited on characters/words, so do not waste them unnecessarily.

I recommend removing cliche terms - the couple that stood out to me - "raise my game" and "with all due respect."

As others have said, the content ultimately has to come from you -- the only real requirements are: limitation on characters/words, answering the prompts being asked, and making sure the spelling/grammar is taken care of.

Click to expand...

Thanks. I know that I'm over-obsessing about this when this statement is only one component of the evaluation. But you (and others) are correct about my use of superlatives and overselling myself. Please take a look at this revised version and let me know what you think. It still seems a bit milquetoast to me but I could use another set of eyes.

April 16, 2018 was a motivational day for me. That was when, despite my best efforts, I was notified I would not be offered an Appointment for the Class of 2022. However, I was not going to let it dampen my goals of attending USNA and pursuing a career as a military officer. My decision to seek military service is one that I take quite seriously and something that I am very excited about. Throughout my life, I have developed a strong affection for leadership through service, whether it is working to build cohesive teams with common goals or simply helping others within my community. I embrace every challenge that I am faced with, I am always striving for perfection, and I draw inspiration from the commitment and service of others. The thought of military service humbles me and only strengthens my motivation to become part of that great heritage.

I have only ever considered naval service upon committing to the military as my career path. The Navy is where my passions and interests lie. This has been further reinforced as I begin to understand the duties and level of commitment associated with becoming a naval officer through my College Program NROTC studies. But as much as I love this program and all of its benefits, I feel that USNA with its course majors, the highest level of education and research opportunities, and full-time military experience will be the best environment for me to maximize both my leadership and academic potential.

My character and integrity, along with my love of service and country stem from my loving family, strong faith, competitive athletics, Boy (Eagle) Scouts, and other role models. One example of my resolve was when I didn’t receive an Appointment for the Class of 2022. I always look at defeat as a source of motivation and deeper focus. Upon speaking to both my nominating source and USNA advisor to understand my deficiencies, I focused on becoming a stronger, better-prepared candidate for the Class of 2023.

A typical question asked in nomination interviews involves either a cheating roommate or friend and how would I respond. I can honestly say that I have never been confronted with that type of situation although, like everyone, I certainly have been baited in other areas. But I always live by a certain set of principles including the Golden Rule, the Scout Oath & Law, and the Midshipman Honor Code. Always striving to make good decisions, doing what is right, and treating everyone with respect and honesty.

I am very excited at the prospect of attending USNA and serving as an officer in the United States Navy. While there is no way to forecast my future or predict specific levels of success, I believe that hard work has its rewards. I am both confident and prepared to embrace this challenge, looking forward to being broken down before being built back up, and learning how to best lead others in service of the nation and the world.

https://www.usna.edu/About/honorconcept.php

USNA has an Honor Concept.

Much more even tone.

I still recommend consulting an English teacher or prof. You’ve got a few structural issues with sentence fragments, etc. This is your best foot forward, in a full and formal written piece.

There is a phrase “polishing the cannonball.” After a certain point of revision and review, it’s time to launch the darn thing.

You have a principal nom in hand, excellent grades and strong NROTC performance, and have demonstrated consistent desire for USNA. There is nothing more you could have done, in terms of being a re-applicant.

statechamps2017 said:

ThePatternisFull said:

It is called personal statement because it is supposed to be your statement. Asking for opinions from folks who do not know you IMHO is not something positive. I understand you are wanting to go to USNA but asking for advice from a chat board is questionable at best. Just my opinion.

Click to expand...

I completely agree. It is personal but it is also one of those things where other "sets of eyes" are sometimes helpful. Describing/selling yourself in 500 words or less is a lot harder than it might seem. I also understand that the Personal Statement is not the only/primary point of review, especially since I have a principal nomination. I just want it to be a good essay.

Click to expand...

I understand selling yourself in 500 words or less is difficult...yet being a Midshipman is difficult. Having a principal nomination DOES NOT always equal an appointment. As others have stated your aggressive tone has certainly turned me off! Good luck to you.

ThePatternisFull said:

statechamps2017 said:

ThePatternisFull said:

It is called personal statement because it is supposed to be your statement. Asking for opinions from folks who do not know you IMHO is not something positive. I understand you are wanting to go to USNA but asking for advice from a chat board is questionable at best. Just my opinion.

Click to expand...

I completely agree. It is personal but it is also one of those things where other "sets of eyes" are sometimes helpful. Describing/selling yourself in 500 words or less is a lot harder than it might seem. I also understand that the Personal Statement is not the only/primary point of review, especially since I have a principal nomination. I just want it to be a good essay.

Click to expand...

I understand selling yourself in 500 words or less is difficult...yet being a Midshipman is difficult. Having a principal nomination DOES NOT always equal an appointment. As others have stated your aggressive tone has certainly turned me off! Good luck to you.

Click to expand...

Thank you. Here is the final copy. Much different than the original.

April 16, 2018 was an eye-opening day for me. That was the day when, despite my best efforts, I was notified that I would not be offered an Appointment for the Class of 2022. However, I was not going to let it dampen my goals of attending USNA and pursuing a career as a military officer. My decision to enter military service is one that I take quite seriously and something that I am very excited about. I have a strong affection for leadership through service, whether it is working to build cohesive teams with common goals or simply helping others within my community. I embrace every challenge that I am faced with, I am always striving for perfection, and I draw inspiration from the commitment and service of others. The thought of selfless leadership in support of global goals humbles me and strengthens my motivation to pursue something bigger.

I have always felt that naval service would be the best fit for my military career goals. This has been further reinforced through my College Program NROTC studies. But as much as I love that program and all of its benefits, I feel that the USNA with its course majors, premium level of education and research opportunities, and full-time military experience will be the best environment for me to maximize both my leadership and academic potential. My intention is to pursue either Mechanical, Marine, or Robotics Engineering as a major and be commissioned into the Surface Warfare community. However, I understand the Navy’s needs outweigh my own ambitions so I will gladly serve wherever I am needed most.

It’s difficult to pinpoint one specific experience that has contributed to my character development and integrity. I was raised with a loving family, a strong faith, the guidance of many positive role models and I am an Eagle Scout. This foundation has helped me in many aspects, particularly as I deal with all of the pressures and temptations of college life. It requires considerable responsibility and moral character in order to succeed and I feel both confident and in control as I plan for my future.

A typical question asked in nomination interviews involves either a cheating roommate or friend and how I would respond. I can honestly say that I have never been confronted with that type of situation although, like everyone, I have been baited in other areas. But I live by a certain set of principles including the Golden Rule, the Scout Oath & Law, and the Honor Concept. I always strive to make good decisions, do what is right, and treat everyone with utmost respect and honesty.

While there is no way to forecast my future or predict specific levels of success, I believe that hard work has its rewards. I will attack this challenge with confidence, I am prepared to be broken down before being built back up, and I am committed to becoming the best leader I can be to serve both the nation and the world.

Much better! I like your writing. Good luck for the class of 2023!