Most absurd sea (or land) story?

USMCGrunt said:
Anyone with a few years experience has a bad CO story, stupid Lieutenant anecdote or a hilarious junior enlisted story. It is the fodder of many military social gatherings (formal and informal) and usually fueled with lots of adult beverages. Not sure if they all rise to the level of "absurd" but they are sure funny!

Back in the day, we all had those black government issue pens that were found everywhere. Not sure if the modern military/ government runs on those Bic classics, but it sure did back then. At one of my duty stations, the Supply Officer announced (with fanfare) that he was only going to order black replacement ink cartridges and would no longer order the whole pen. There was nearly a riot in the Staff meeting with this was announced. Guess he thought he was going to save the unit money.

In the meantime, at the end of every fiscal year, we would be tasked to going to the field and burning up all the munitions that were left over. Under the "use it or lose it" rules, the Infantry Battalion had to burn up all the munitions. I remember taking my Platoon to the grenade range and spending an entire week throwing hand grenades. Another platoon was sent to the machine gun range to fire rounds down range for an entire week. Talk about waste - and this idiot Supply Officer was worried about some pens??
Click to expand...

giphy.gif
 
As a div o, had one of my sailors (E-4) came up on a mast where he was drunk and broke the mirror off a truck owned by an E-7. When the CO asked if he had anything to say for himself, he said, "Sir, what I do on my own time is none of your business."

I think they're still mopping up the remains.
 
Physicsguru said:
As a div o, had one of my sailors (E-4) came up on a mast where he was drunk and broke the mirror off a truck owned by an E-7. When the CO asked if he had anything to say for himself, he said, "Sir, what I do on my own time is none of your business."

I think they're still mopping up the remains.
Click to expand...
Was this a Navy E-7? That list is classified. USNavy personnel at pay grade E-7 are referred to as Chief. Other branches refer to their E-7s as E-7s.
 
Devil Doc said:
Physicsguru said:
As a div o, had one of my sailors (E-4) came up on a mast where he was drunk and broke the mirror off a truck owned by an E-7. When the CO asked if he had anything to say for himself, he said, "Sir, what I do on my own time is none of your business."

I think they're still mopping up the remains.
Click to expand...
Was this a Navy E-7? That list is classified. USNavy personnel at pay grade E-7 are referred to as Chief. Other branches refer to their E-7s as E-7s.
Click to expand...
.

He was a YNC. I was translating it for the land lubber types. :)

The reason it went to mast was the PO3 was sleeping with a PN1, who was married to the Chief. PN1 got a letter in her jacket, but the low end of the food chain got the mast.
 
@Physicsguru thanks for the further explanation. Mercy to the future JO here who calls his/her CPO an E-7.

I have a sea story that I may put up next on the sea story page. It tales of an ensign who couldn’t read.
 
Captain’s mast- or Article 15 in the Army.
We got a call that a specialist (E-4), in my company had been arrested at the barracks.
The barracks were in an area of Ft Bragg called “Smoke Bomb Hill” and the name was appropriate.
Now this specialist was... shall we say “country”. I think from the hills of West Virginia. Think a cross between Andy Griffen and and Uma Thurman.
I guess bow season was coming up and she felt she needed to prepare so she put a deer target in the courtyard and was using the outdoor stairwell as a makeshift deer stand. I guess some soldiers tired of “running the gauntlet” and called the MPs on her.
Comes time for her Article 15 and she starts explaining. “Well sir, there ain’t rightly any regs against bows in the barracks. So as I’s sees it I wasn’t right breaking no regulations.” I look at the 1SG who is looking over the regs. He shrugs his shoulders. No regulation against bows in the barracks. No regulation against shooting arrows in the barracks.
She then launches into an explanation about how safe she is... yada yada yada. Didn’t shoot at anyone. Said she kept hollering at them that it was clear but they kept huddling behind the cars. She was mesmerizing. Sounded good to me. The 1SG looked at me incredulously. “Seriously sir??? Bows and arrows on Smoke Bomb Hill???”
It didn’t matter. That evening the post SOP was updated outlawing bows in the barracks.
 
Ok, found one that highlights the frequently absurd nature of the military.

During my final tour in the Navy, I had the opportunity to work with a 3-star on the Navy Uniform Board.

I was asked “hey, I always hear women complaining about their uniforms, what do you want to fix?” I heard angels sing. The one item that rose right to the top of the list was related to the fact women had been going to sea since about 1978. Women’s dress and daily uniforms (not utility) always included a skirt and pumps option. The skirt option was actually the required version of the uniform, and women had the option but were not required to buy the pants and low-quarter shoes. Ashore, the regional commander almost always allowed the choice of either option on shore duty. The required version was worn at inspections.

Afloat, the required version had to be packed in sea bags as part of having the regulation number and type of required uniforms available. Even for officers, shipboard lockers don’t offer much space, and for junior enlisted, it was much smaller. Now, shipboard, the pumps and skirts for every dress and day uniform could not be worn on the ship, but had to be taken on deployment, because they were the required version. Stupid, just stupid.

I ran it by MCPON, senior enlisted men and women, flags, senior officers, JOs. The 3-star walked it in to CNO and VCNO. The decision was done in 72 hours, to quietly flip what was the required version, and it was slipped into Uni Regs - about 25 years after women were permanently assigned to ships. Those who wanted to take the skirt and pumps option could do so, but all now only needed to take the required version, now pants, which they could actually wear on the ship as the occasion demanded.

The 3-star and I got a number of other long-overdue changes through, including the replacement of the women’s mess dress shirt - an abomination of a shirt with pearl studs and stick-out ruffles down the front, with a flat-front pleated shirt, similar to the men’s tux-type shirt. Let’s just say anyone with curves looked like a pouter pigeon in that ruffled shirt. Try as you might, you could not iron those things flat enough.

The other one we tried to get done at that time, but met resistance, was replacing the service dress white blouse (jacket) with the men’s style “choker white,” but cut and seamed appropriately for women. Failed then, but that was just done in the last few years.

I have laugh-until-you-cry stories, as do all of the salts on here, but they are best shared in a live sea-air-war story session with beverage of choice.

Let me tell you about the time my sailors hurled every one of 5 pool tables’ worth of billiard balls off the 9th floor of the BEQ and smashed every windshield ... or the two E-2s from the heartland who had just seen the gang movie “Colors,” and decided to borrow a buddy’s car, dress up like Crips, and take a tourist drive through Compton shooting gang signs (as they told me from their Navy hospital beds, on their stomachs, their butts filled with buckshot, the car long gone)... Yes, bless their salty hearts, they were Boatswain’s Mates.

Here’s a link to an image of that ruffled shirt - with, bonus, the funky beret that could be worn. I won’t even go into the officer crest tiara (yessss!!!) that could be worn, with or without scrambled eggs as appropriate. That, oddly, didn’t go away until the last few years. I almost regret never getting one. It was rather Wonder-Womanish.

https://goo.gl/images/vGr5pC

Oh heck, here are the tiara and ruffles. Women were not allowed gold braid in this uniform at that time in the 20th century. They wore collar devices in dress uniforms.

IMG_0544.JPG
 
Last edited:
UHBlackhawk said:
Captain’s mast- or Article 15 in the Army.
We got a call that a specialist (E-4), in my company had been arrested at the barracks.
The barracks were in an area of Ft Bragg called “Smoke Bomb Hill” and the name was appropriate.
Now this specialist was... shall we say “country”. I think from the hills of West Virginia. Think a cross between Andy Griffen and and Uma Thurman.
I guess bow season was coming up and she felt she needed to prepare so she put a deer target in the courtyard and was using the outdoor stairwell as a makeshift deer stand. I guess some soldiers tired of “running the gauntlet” and called the MPs on her.
Comes time for her Article 15 and she starts explaining. “Well sir, there ain’t rightly any regs against bows in the barracks. So as I’s sees it I wasn’t right breaking no regulations.” I look at the 1SG who is looking over the regs. He shrugs his shoulders. No regulation against bows in the barracks. No regulation against shooting arrows in the barracks.
She then launches into an explanation about how safe she is... yada yada yada. Didn’t shoot at anyone. Said she kept hollering at them that it was clear but they kept huddling behind the cars. She was mesmerizing. Sounded good to me. The 1SG looked at me incredulously. “Seriously sir??? Bows and arrows on Smoke Bomb Hill???”
It didn’t matter. That evening the post SOP was updated outlawing bows in the barracks.
Click to expand...

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
 
@Capt MJ great story and nice job. I have a quick uniform story. I was at BUMED in 98-2000 and went to the Annex one day with my bud Jim Lambert. We here basically goofing off because we could but were headed to the uniform store in the basement to pick up a few items.

Back story: The MCPON had been working on uniform changes for CPOs which included soft shoulder boards on the wooly pulley sweater and black jacket. The uniform board approved it and it was phased in by time and locale. Of course the MCPON was the first to don the new boards. Other chiefs were not so enamored stating “we don’t want to look like officers.” Much incoming fire was received by the MCPON but the change happened nonetheless.

Back to the Annex. Jim and I showed our ID and matriculated down the dark P-way. We got to the ladderwell to the basement which is adjacent to MCPON’s office. We see him speaking with someone as he recognized us and looked our way. In my typical wise guy greeting I said, “Oh, hey Master Chief, I didn’t recognize you, I thought you were an officer.” He exploded into salty expletives explaining the virtues of the soft shoulder board look for chiefs while we scurried down below. Jim laughed so hard he was snorting.
 
Capt MJ said:
I ran it by MCPON, senior enlisted men and women, flags, senior officers, JOs. The 3-star walked it in to CNO and VCNO. The decision was done in 72 hours, to quietly flip what was the required version, and it was slipped into Uni Regs - about 25 years after women were permanently assigned to ships. Those who wanted to take the skirt and pumps option could do so, but all now only needed to take the required version, now pants, which they could actually wear on the ship as the occasion demanded.
Click to expand...

@Capt MJ , you are amazing. Thank you from all of the female JOs who never had to deal with that mandatory skirt nonsense.
 
@scutrules


My pleasure. I also tried for pockets inside the SDB jacket that would take CAC, etc., but no joy.

Your post MADE my day. Thank you.

You would have loved being a fly on the wall as we gathered up years of uniform fix-its to tackle. There seems to be an endless supply. My other pet peeve was why women’s uniform items almost always cost more than men’s equivalent, and of course, we had to buy more anyway. We weren’t paid more...

Amazingly enough, these little victories were Pentagon corridor discussions, no big study/staffing drill required. Just a 3- star willing to get it done by talking it through with CNO and VCNO. One of the CNO’s aides at the time was a LCDR who had worked for me as a JO when I was a NAVSTA XO, and he asked her what she thought of the items on the list. She just said, “Admiral, please do this. It would make such a difference.” And we got the thumbs up.
 
Last edited:
I am about to walk out of the office, but I have a slightly absurd one to offer. New ship, by the pier, in Norfolk. Walking on the pier, hearing some sort of commotion, and Lo, there is a Sailor in the water. Heroically, I drag him from the water, painters harness and all. Considering that most drownings occur in port (or so I have been told), I am thinking well of myself as I accompany the young Sailor to the Corpsman. That is, up until the moment that someone escorts the second Sailor pulled from the water to the Corpsman. Batting .500 not so good there!
 
Capt MJ said:
We could do a stand-alone thread on “Absurd Stories/Excuses We Have Heard at Mast/NJP/Office Hours.” Add in “Service Academy Adjudications/Admin Hearings.”
Click to expand...
> My first "real" job in my Squadron was Legal Officer-- I was new, just put on JG, and it was an eye opening experience. I asked for the position when I checked in because it was recommended by one of my flight instructors as a good way for a JO in the squadron to get face time with the Skipper. (A P3 squadron then had 60+ officers, so the new Ensign/JG kinda of blended in during the first year). Of course, it wasn't always good face time, as I was always dealing with the bad news, but I learned a lot of good lessons from the experience. The most important was the importance of chain of command support - my Skipper would call in the entire chain of command prior to mast, we'd sit and discuss what our guy did, and in most cases, the outcome was determined before the accused entered. When a good sailor did something stupid, he got his a$$ chewed, but the Skipper and CMC went to great lengths to avoid screwing up his career, but all bets were off if the Chain of Command thought the guy was just a screw up.

Devil Doc said:
Was this a Navy E-7? That list is classified. USNavy personnel at pay grade E-7 are referred to as Chief. Other branches refer to their E-7s as E-7s.
Click to expand...

> With all due respect to the Senior Chief (sincerely ...most people that say that don't really mean it! :)), there are certainly E-7's in the Navy who really aren't Chiefs. That could be the topic of a whole 'nother thread , but this probably isn't the place. I will say however, the Chief's Mess is pretty good about policing and training their own, and I will also say that I never ran into a Navy E-8 or E-9, they have all earned the title Senior Chief and Master Chief. One of my favorite stories is checking into the squadron and meeting the Command Master Chief (CMC). I looked up on his wall, and he and an E-4 or E-5 eval that was dated within a few weeks of the day I was born. I commented on it, and he smiled and explained that was when he finally started getting good evals.
 
Old Navy BGO said:
Capt MJ said:
We could do a stand-alone thread on “Absurd Stories/Excuses We Have Heard at Mast/NJP/Office Hours.” Add in “Service Academy Adjudications/Admin Hearings.”
Click to expand...
> My first "real" job in my Squadron was Legal Officer-- I was new, just put on JG, and it was an eye opening experience. I asked for the position when I checked in because it was recommended by one of my flight instructors as a good way for a JO in the squadron to get face time with the Skipper. (A P3 squadron then had 60+ officers, so the new Ensign/JG kinda of blended in during the first year). Of course, it wasn't always good face time, as I was always dealing with the bad news, but I learned a lot of good lessons from the experience. The most important was the importance of chain of command support - my Skipper would call in the entire chain of command prior to mast, we'd sit and discuss what our guy did, and in most cases, the outcome was determined before the accused entered. When a good sailor did something stupid, he got his a$$ chewed, but the Skipper and CMC went to great lengths to avoid screwing up his career, but all bets were off if the Chain of Command thought the guy was just a screw up.

Devil Doc said:
Was this a Navy E-7? That list is classified. USNavy personnel at pay grade E-7 are referred to as Chief. Other branches refer to their E-7s as E-7s.
Click to expand...

> With all due respect to the Senior Chief (sincerely ...most people that say that don't really mean it! :)), there are certainly E-7's in the Navy who really aren't Chiefs. That could be the topic of a whole 'nother thread , but this probably isn't the place. I will say however, the Chief's Mess is pretty good about policing and training their own, and I will also say that I never ran into a Navy E-8 or E-9, they have all earned the title Senior Chief and Master Chief. One of my favorite stories is checking into the squadron and meeting the Command Master Chief (CMC). I looked up on his wall, and he and an E-4 or E-5 eval that was dated within a few weeks of the day I was born. I commented on it, and he smiled and explained that was when he finally started getting good evals.
Click to expand...
We do police our own which is why I said the list is classified. Hopefully the E-7s don’t become known by those outside the Mess. Was just trying to provide a little training to those who might unknowingly call a Navy Chief an E-7. Regardless of the poster’s intent, I thought an opportunity to educate required my comment. I probably write lots of things which fall into the “this probably isn’t the place” category. That of course has me evaluate my place here but the forum could use something other than the “what are my chances” threads and kids asking “please tell me I can get in with all these zits.” Anyway, thanks.
 
Keep em coming...thanks for the laughs (even though I don't understand any of the acronyms). Capt MJ thanks for everything you have done for the advancement of our Navy! All great stories. Wish I had some of my own but no...I don't...
 
As a fresh LT out of commisioning I got a mil internship at the White House working in the Advance Dept (think S3/Ops shop for POTUS). 99% of the time interns are college kids but sometimes they give mil internships to young O's like myself. Anyways my job required frequent contact with all office's that support the President whether they were mil or non-mil. The White House is usually a place where you only once in a blue moon see a baby LT roaming around.

I usually was sent to drop off documents between various offices in order to make POTUS trips happen. This one day I had to run some documents up to a senior civilian who was at the top of the food chain for Middle East policy. His office was connected to a conference room where they had just finished a policy meeting that required alot of top Pentagon brass. Keep in mind I was in uniform since it was the Air Force's birthday that day so I was sporting my blues. The GO's aides were waiting outside of the conference room and I was about to go in since the meeting just finished and everybody was about to leave. The signature I needed was time-sensitive for a POTUS trip. Right before I entered a Lt. Col and Major aide stop me and say "Aides wait out in the hall LT, didn't you read the sign that was on the door. Ontop of that they go where is your aide cord?" I politely tell them that I wasn't an aide and they were dumbfounded.

Anyways I enter the room and politely ask for the signature I needed. The civ signs off on my document and tells me to run the document over to the West Wing (where the top leadership of the WH is located). In between the building where his office was and the entrance to the West Wing there is a road where everybody who has a motorcade loads us/gets off. This is also where motorcades stage when whoever they were transporting is in a meeting. So I start making my way across the street and I eventually see a Army 3 star getting into his vehicle. His Lt Col. and Major aide watch me as I pass them without my cover on and don't salute (That whole area is a no cover/no salute zone) but do render a "Good Morning Gentlemen" I don't get much farther when I hear them loudly say LT stop (These were the same aide's that stopped me before entering the conference room). They pull me over and start berating me on if I know what the policy is when you pass a senior ranking officer. It was starting to cause a scene and I didn't want to interupt them to tell them the rule until they finished. A few seconds later a Air Force 2 star comes up to us. He tells me to carry on and while I was walking away he started berating the aides that were berating me and eventually tells them the rule and asked if they were new. Before I get into the West Wing he goes up to the 3 star's motorcade and says "Hey ***** (assuming they knew each other) next time tell your aides that this area is no salute/no cover."

As time went on I hear through the rumor mill that the VP was looking out his window when this whole thing went down since his office face's that street.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top