USNA Admissions Essay Feedback

Superninja1

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Hello,

I was wondering if could get some feedback on my admissions essay. Anything is appreciated. Thank you!


Essay Questions:

1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and

2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

My Essay:


Ever since I was young, I have felt an immense urge to serve. I come from a family devoted to serving our Nation; my great grandfathers, grandfather, father, aunt, uncles, and multiple cousins have served in our United States Military. Their passion, dedication, and determination to serve has continually inspired me.
As I got older, I started looking for career choices, and the U.S. Armed Forces consistently piqued my interest. As long as I can remember, I have had a special love for the water. That meant either the Coast Guard, Marines, or the Navy. When I researched more about the Navy, I was intrigued. Needing to get a better idea of the Navy, I continued my research and came across the U.S. Naval Academy.
My interest in Naval Service is inspired by my wanting to make a difference in my community, country, and the world. My interest in Naval Service was also inspired by a sense of a one-of-a-kind community, teamwork, and tremendous passion that a felt from attending the Naval Academy's Summer Seminar. The unique atmosphere that I experienced is one that I want my future children to grow up in and experience. Having attended the U.S. Naval Academy Summer Seminar (June 8-13, 2019), my desire to attend the United States Naval Academy as a Midshipman was confirmed.
When accepted into the Naval Academy, I would like to pursue a major in Political Science and a minor in a foreign language. With a Bachelor of Science degree in Political Science, I plan to be an Intelligence Officer or a Judge Advocate General (JAG).
The Naval Academy will help me achieve my long-range goals by providing me with a top-level education and a guaranteed job as a Naval or Marine Corps Officer upon graduation. The Academy will also help me achieve my long-range goals by providing me with an opportunity to be a part of something bigger than myself and providing the necessary instruments/tools I need to accomplish my goals even exceeding the Academy.
Upon my family's move from Pennsylvania to Maryland, we moved in with my grandmother, to take care of her, having Dementia. My grandmother's Dementia gradually turned into Alzheimer's, which brought about new challenges. Watching my grandmother suddenly lose her memory and abilities was a challenge for me. Although my grandmother has passed, she has taught me something precious. She taught me whatever situation, God loves you, and you will come out stronger because of His love. With this in mind, I strengthened my relationship with God.
The excitement that I feel from the thought of entering the U.S. Navy is one that I do not perceive from any other branch of the U.S. Military. The service to my country in the Navy is the purpose that I want to represent and be. It would be a tremendous honor to serve my country and attend the U.S. Naval Academy.
 
When accepted into the Naval Academy, I would like to pursue a major in Political Science and a minor in a foreign language. With a Bachelor of Science degree in Political Science, I plan to be an Intelligence Officer or a Judge Advocate General (JAG).

I don't normally bother to read or contribute to these threads, but a few comments:

1) The mission of the Naval Academy is to produce Line Officers ...think Surface Warefare, Submarine, Aviation, Marine Corps, and Special Warfare. Sure, there are ways to get into Intel and later, JAG, in the Navy, but that isn't the purpose.

2) Your academic major has nothing to do with your Service Selection.You will be qualified to serve in any capacity, no matter what your major is.

The essay didn't really move me...perhaps I've seen too many that say the same thing, but this was pretty vanilla and won't stand out. Your essay should be short, to the point and make you stand out. The Admissions Board is comprised of senior officers and professors, they are busy and have to read thousands of these essays. Get them engaged quickly and make every word count -- your goal is to make them want to read it to the end.
 
I suggest this to college applicants in general...but you should apply it to the service academies.
Your essay seems to talk about what the military could do for you.

Google "Hacking the College Essay 2017" and read it.

Write the Essay No One Else Could Write

"It boils down to this: the essay that gets you in is the essay that no other applicant could write.
Is this a trick? The rest of this guide gives you the best strategies to accomplish this single
most important thing: write the essay no one else could write.
If someone reading your essay gets the feeling some other applicant could have written it,
then you’re in trouble.
Why is this so important? Because most essays sound like they could have been written by
anyone. Remember that most essays fail to do what they should: replace numbers (SAT/GPA) with the real you.
Put yourself in the shoes of an admissions officer. She’s got limited time and a stack of
applications. Each application is mostly numbers and other stuff that looks the same. Then she picks
up your essay. Sixty seconds later, what is her impression of you? Will she know something specifically
about you? Or will you still be indistinguishable from the hundreds of other applicants she has been
reading about?"
 
Couldn't agree anymore with the feedback from @Old Navy BGO and @bopper.

You have to get the reader's attention. Use your 1st paragraph to do this. For example, you might tell them in short repetitive sentences (using parallel sentence construction) about the things that you love, and you may want to credit the People and Communities that got you to this point. Make all these short sentences funnel to the reason why you want to be a Naval Officer, which is your last sentence in this lead paragraph.

There are many other legitimate ways to get your readers attention .... After your leading paragraph hook, then you are ready to tell them how the things about you make you a strong candidate in their eyes.

You have to make them wanting more with your leading paragraph. And, only share your subsequent drafts with those closet to you, your English teachers, and so on.
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Hanging around since 2015 you learn that there are some voices here that you pay attention to B&G is one of them. My first note to you is to act on his notes.

Your essay is kinda lack luster; It reads like a business plan. I suspect would look like a lot of submissions from applicants who aren't resourceful as you are in asking about your essay here.

Your essay is to capture your readers attention and your application interesting amid a sea of highly qualified applicants. My DD Kills at this kind of writing. At times, I have argued with her over the need to focus her current writings toward efficiently delivering information/insight, not on inviting her reader on a "magic conversation of beauty and discovery". That said, for your purposes DDs approach is Moe-Betta. Like B&G and bopper said: drop: Sats; Awards; and plans for the future. Keep: the summer seminar reference and , knowing that you want to be like the Mids you met there, and "It would be my honor to serve as an Officer in the US Navy". Not much left, but that leaves you plenty of words to work with.

I never saw the final essay DD submitted to the USNA, I do recall a draft she wrote that I was allowed to look at/edit, and I remember it. Its a good example of what people are suggesting to you, and an approach you might take---------I think?

Responding to #2 like prompt
DD jumped in w/o introduction to a short, (15 word) description, of what an Oar looks like moving across the surface of water opposite to DD direction of travel into the "catch", In turn she described the" hold", the "Drive" the "Release" of the oar to return to the "catch",( elements of a sweep Stroke) Then she wrote, something pretty close to this: "I've been around for 17 years. In that time my parents, teachers, friends and community have all contributed to my life experience. They've helped to shape me, and they all have ideas of who I am; definitions of me. That's great, I love them, and value their insights, (usually), but I am a "Rower". I know this. A "Rower" is how I define myself; a "Rower" applies for appointment to the USNA; and a "Rower" is what I have to offer in service to my country".

DD briefly described the teamwork of rowing an 8, and mastering the"balanced flight" of rowing a single. She addressed, dedication to training, what it feels like to drive past the point where breathing won't provide the oxygen to muscles, and how much she valued team-mate relationships built by shared hardship and succeses. Then she described her visit to the USNA and how she'd seen in her Midshipmen hosts the same things that she valued in her crew team friends. A passing note that she found Mids to be way more interesting than Kids she'd met on her other college visits and her conclusion that she wanted to be part of what ever was going on at USNA.

She closed mentioning that she liked taking to an oath to defend the principles and ideals of our Constitution rather than a person, party, or place. That would be an oath she would be honored to take.

Think about it. DD picked a thing about herself and used it to say. "I know who I am"; "I can be passionate" ; "I can work hard" ;"I know what a team mate is and I am a good one"; "I'm a student of technique";"I can keep going when it hurts to keep going"; "I know what the collective "Mid" is and I want to be one"; "I can think past the obvious to principles"

Thats it, consider:
what you love to do most; when you fought hardest, what you have the most fun doing, what you find the most meaning in. Relate one of these to the things you think the USNA is looking for in its Mids. Then express your interest in 5-10-20 years in the US Navy. If you are uncomfortable with this, TALK with friends, teachers and family about your interest in the USNA to firm up you own understanding of your desire to attend the USNA. It will help your essay, and it will a ton when you talk with your B&G officer or a nom-board.

Disclaimer: I didn't attend the USNA. DD does, I am "Just Dad"
 
How many of these essays start out with some variation of:
“All my life, I have wanted to be/attend...”
“Ever since I was a kid,...”
“Since I was young,...”
The hyperbole makes me smile, gently, because these are young writers, as I envision them at age 3, feeling the urge to serve.

I’d much rather read “When I was 10, a Marine Officer came to my Boy Scout event and spoke about leadership, doing the right thing, earning respect. That experience made such an impression, I ...”

When did you KNOW you wanted to serve in uniform? What crystallized that?

Ditto another poster who commented on the JAG Corps. Don’t be caught out showing you haven’t done the basic research on what career paths are available to you out of USN.

Don’t tell USNA about what it can offer or what it can do for you. It already knows that.

Tighten it up, clean up the structural flaws (consult an English teacher), make this about what is uniquely you.
 
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Segue I suppose ... a favorite opening line of mine that certainly got my attention the 1st time I read it:

“Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”
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So Aureliano Buendia made it to colonel. What was his path to a commission -- SA, ROTC, OCS? And how instrumental was his essay in winning admission to any of those routes?
 
My daughter, who just finished her freshman year at a civilian college, and my son, who is now at Plebe Summer, both followed the advice of Sarah Harberson. You can google her. Her main point is that you only have so many words to stand apart. Make them all count. I was very impressed with the opening sentences of each of my kids' essays. They made you WANT to read the whole thing. Both were very unconventional, but they definitely caught the reader's eye.
 
So you could start with this paragraph:
Ever since I was young, I have felt an immense urge to serve. I come from a family devoted to serving our Nation; my great grandfathers, grandfather, father, aunt, uncles, and multiple cousins have served in our United States Military. Their passion, dedication, and determination to serve has continually inspired me.

Can you give some details? What branch were they in? What level did they get to? Were you more inspired by the older generations or your generation? What wars were they involved in? What jobs did they do?
What are examples of dedication, passion and determination that you noticed from them?

As they say, "Show, Don't tell."

But you have to make this about you, not them.

As long as I can remember, I have had a special love for the water. That meant either the Coast Guard, Marines, or the Navy.

Give examples of how you loved the water. Was it swimming? boating? Going to the beach? This is a great time to use some thing that illustrates this.
"My sister never like the beach, because she didn't like getting wet. But I couldn't run fast enough to get into the water." or some image/memory that you have of the water.

Also Merchant Marines is an option as others have said.
 
I tried reading “100 Anos de Soledad” about 20 years ago. Got about a dozen pages in, was utterly confused and put it away with the intent of trying again later. I have yet to try again.
 
So Aureliano Buendia made it to colonel. What was his path to a commission -- SA, ROTC, OCS? And how instrumental was his essay in winning admission to any of those routes?

Here’s your Cliff’s Notes on the Colonel:
https://www.cliffsnotes.com/literat...haracter-analysis/colonel-aureliano-buendxeda


One of Gabriel García Márquez’ characters.

The exact quote is mentioned in the link. An excellent opening line.
[emoji897]
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The opening line to “100 years of Solitude” is a bit awkward and unconventional ... gets your attention, which is a major point of this conversation.

For anyone who has not read it, please do. It is a great work of art.
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