Speaking to Parents

JJ2372k

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Joined
Jul 5, 2019
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17
Hi everyone,

I was hoping to receive some advice from the parents out there. I am currently looking to pursue NROTC MO in pursuit of a commission into the Marine Corps. I am very passionate about becoming an Officer in the Corps, however, my parents are not. To the parents, what helped you to trust your child to make the decision? If you had no qualms about it, why was that, and if you were reluctant about the idea of your child joining the Corps, what helped you overcome your doubts?

Thank you very much, this is very important to me and I would greatly appreciate any advice.
 
Not a parent, but I am a fellow applicant who is hesitant to tell his parents about the decision. It's a big one, and I'm sure you know that. I'm planning on riding it out until I have to tell them (going to my PMS interview, doing something at the recruiting office, etc.). But I think when it comes down to telling them, I'm going to really focus on the money aspect of it (you didn't say if you're applying for a scholarship, but let's just say you are). It\s obviously not all about the money for me, but it'll help convince them it's the right decision. They might not like the fact that you're going into the military, but it's your life, you can do what you want with it. Good luck.
 
As a non military parent, I was very concerned when my DS first brought it up. It’s a huge life decision. After several conversations, I was won over because I knew he was doing it for the right reasons. Foremost, I was convinced by his passion to serve and commitment to do it. I was sure he thought out all the pro’s and cons. Reading his scholarship essay also helped his case. In the end, I actually encouraged him to go for an Academy appointment but he explained how NROTC would offer him the same (or very similar) opportunities while still affording him a traditional college “experience”. He’s now going into his sophomore year. He loves it and I am so proud.

In response to the last post, if I heard money as a reason just one time, I never would have supported his decision.

In the end, you’re going to choose you’re own path, so my only advice is make sure in your mind that you are making this commitment for the right reasons. Good luck to you.
 
Also, keep in my it could be a “shock” to them. For me, I needed time to digest the whole thing. You have been thinking and getting used to the idea for a while. Your parents may need time to adjust and do their own thinking.

We all want the best for our kids. So I would say, similar to what NROTCDAD did, to make your passion known. Showing them the reasons why...that it’s not just a ‘whim’, would help them support your passions and dreams.

We give our kids wings to fly....doesn’t mean it won’t take a minute to get used to them soaring. But there’s no greater happiness for a parent than watching their child pursuing their dreams.
 
I’m not from a military background and not even American (my husband is) and our son has gone into the US Army rotc - foreign to me on many levels. I guess the difference for me is since the time our son could express himself or have an interest I knew he would always be involved in the military - it has always been his passion. He is going into his Junior year of college and is very very happy. While I never would have chosen this path for him I also acknowledge it is not my decision and we do not have children to live our lives - we raise our children to live theirs. Our son is incredibly happy with his choices and as a parent that is all you ever want - it makes me happy and very proud that he is doing what he wants to do and is very happy - I would hope your parents would feel the same. Good luck
 
I’m one of the un-reluctant parents here but I’ll say a few words. You’ve probably already figured that talking about the benefits of joining and why you want to join should be a topic in your convo with the parents. As the above posters mentioned, talk about your passion. The desire to serve is huge. The true meaning of service and actually serving is noble.

I would understand their concerns and discuss them in a way that shows you are aware of the situations of which they are concerned. Don’t try to convince them how wrong they are but how you know of the dangers or separation or whatever.

Example: JJ, do you know those Marines ain’t right in the head?, or JJ, the Marines will take you away from me. I’ll miss you.

Parents never stop worrying about their kids. My son has done several deployments and has been around the world and is about to make major. He’s stationed in the Mojave Desert and last night on the phone he and I had a discussion about hydration. I know he knew the answers and is a prolific hydrator but I had the discussion for my benefit and not his.

So, help them to understand your reasoning by understanding theirs.
 
Also, keep in my it could be a “shock” to them. For me, I needed time to digest the whole thing. You have been thinking and getting used to the idea for a while. Your parents may need time to adjust and do their own thinking.

We all want the best for our kids. So I would say, similar to what NROTCDAD did, to make your passion known. Showing them the reasons why...that it’s not just a ‘whim’, would help them support your passions and dreams.

We give our kids wings to fly....doesn’t mean it won’t take a minute to get used to them soaring. But there’s no greater happiness for a parent than watching their child pursuing their dreams.

You didn’t mention if there’s a scholarship possibility involved. Money aside, you don’t have to contract until sophomore year, so maybe the argument, “Let’s give it a try for a year and see if it’s a good fit” may work? If that was your real attitude going in, I’d advise you to reconsider, but it might make it a little more palatable for a parent?
 
My DS is planning to pursue a commission. But what I want to share is my own story, not his.

I was was very interested in pursuing a Naval career when I was in college. My parents were dead set against it. It was the post-Viet Nam era and the military was very unpopular. At that time in my life I was very much influenced, if not controlled, by my parents. I listened to them and did not pursue what was in my heart. I never served, and I will always regret that. My advice is that it is YOUR life. Follow YOUR dream. Your parents will always love you no matter what you do. If you go to college and do five years of active duty, you will be approximately 27 years old when you get out. Still a very young person. Do you know how many years of my life I have wasted at jobs that didn't work out? (a lot more than 5.) I am not suggesting at all that 5 years of active duty will be a waste. To the contrary, it will be a fantastic learning experience. But my point is: life is long. 5 years is nothing, and if you want to pursue something after that, you will have PLENTY of time. Follow YOUR dream, not your parents' dream.
 
Mom, Dad, you did a great job raising me to be the <insert wonderfully descriptive adjective(s) here> person that I am today. I know that you want what's best for me, so I have come to you to share with you my goals for my life.
Before you chime in, please let me lay it out for you and describe what motivates my decisions for this next stage. I have thought about it a lot, and I don't think it should surprise you very much.

First, I'll come home for Christmas if I am able...

Second,
 
@JJ2372k

Think of it as a series of conversations.

You must be resolute, respectful, patient, mature. You must listen to understand, not just refute. Accept when a parent asks about X, which seems minor, they may really be thinking “my kid could get killed.” This is something they may not be able to say aloud, and they for darn sure can’t bear to think about it. You cannot tell them it won’t happen to you. They have more life experience than you, and they know it can. There is an emotional element to this which you should acknowledge and plan for. Your parents’ job to this point has been to keep you safe, and they have a transition to make too.

- Break the news.
- Respond, respect, educate, repeat as necessary, because they may still be reeling from the “break the news,” and need time to progress through understanding to acceptance.
- Stick to your “whys.”
- Be the most adult you can be, which helps them to start the transition to seeing you as an adult. Promise yourself no eye-rolling!
- Anticipate their objections, negative impressions, lack of knowledge, and be prepared with links, printouts or “Mom, I don’t know the answer to that, I will research it and get back to you.” Don’t guess or pooh-pooh the question.
- Demonstrate you have thought beyond the 4 ROTC years and the 5-year Service obligation or beyond, and the career paths open to you, the desirability of vet junior officers in the work place, the post-9/11 GI Bill benefits, that you can get a paid-for Master’s in or out of the service, at top schools. Show them Military MoJo, Corporate Gray, MOAA Careers, Lucas Group, Bradley-Morris, Orion, Cameron-Brooks, and the many other groups and companies that support military leaders when they transition to the civilian sector. Your leadership skills, resource management, ability to perform in a high-pressure environment, your security clearance - all highly sought after. This might be one of the conversations during the “education” phase.
- As noted in another post, frame this as a step-wise process, that you have a year or two to see if ROTC and the military are a good fit for you, before committing.
- Be clear and consistent on your reasons. I agree the money aspect will not be the key. You have thought about this long and hard, you have done your research, you want to serve in uniform, this is the path that feels right to you, and you can get your college education along with preparation to serve as an officer, the “white collar” leadership and management element of the service.
- Brainstorm all the stereotypes about the military and Marines, and be prepared to combat them.

Handy reference:
General James Mattis, USMC, (Ret), NROTC grad. His recommended reading lists, of which there are several, depending on the target audience, are excellent antidotes to “crayon-eating” tropes.
https://sill-www.army.mil/USAFAS/_docs/SECDEF reading list.pdf

Above all, be patient and kind as your parents get used to the chick in their nest that wants to fly in an unexpected direction. Emotional intelligence and empathy are also desirable leadership traits.
 
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1.) Let me quote Michael Lewis from Liars Poker. And say "Never mention the money." This is true of anything in life.
2.) As a father of a College Program MO ROTC freshman (non-military), I told my son if he wanted to be a Marine and lead men; he had to be brave and articulate enough to tell his mother. And then do it whatever she said. (She supports it, subject to #4)
3.) The ROTC Scholarship program is a "scholarship" in name only, the military is optioning for its future staffing needs. And setting up a four-year-long job interview.
4.) The military in general and the Corps, in particular, has a long and wide history of creating future leaders. Cause young men and woman need to, ya know, Lead. (From Bea Arthur to Roberto Clemente to Gen. Mattis, Bob Mueller, and Jim Webb). It's really crazy what they let 20 and 25 young people do, I don't let 25-year-old civilians speak at client meetings.
5.) What you tell your parents needs to be personal, from your heart and tailored to them and their concerns.
6.) Lastly, if it is about money; don't do this. There are all kinds of ways to go to college without joining the military.
 
I am a non military parent. When our son came to us with his desire to serve I couldn’t have been prouder. No qualms, no arguments. I did however use this forum a great deal and asked a lot of questions.

All I’ve ever cared about with my kids is they are happy. Life is too short to go into a career you’re not happy with.

Again, personally, could not be prouder that my son earned an AROTC scholarship and is now entering his junior year and was picked as a Squad Leader. It has been awesome watching him grow, confidence building every day and turning into a future leader. Wonderful experience.

Your parents in time will “come around”. Be patient. I’m sure there is some fear but in time they will come around.
 
I will keep talking with my parents, and hear what they have to say.

A lot of very good advice here, especially about making your case via the core goal: honorably serving your country as a commissioned officer. Most other arguments, especially those based on money, can be easily overcome if your parents are determined enough.

Key phrase above is "keep talking." You won't likely convince them in one impassioned discussion. It could take a respectful yet persistent drip-drip-drip to win them over. But it will be time and energy well spent. As an adult, you won't need their permission. But military life is as challenging and stressful as it is rewarding and honorable. You'll definitely want their support throughout your career.
 
I can't top the excellent advice already given, so I won't try. I did want to give yo a link to a YouTube "recruhitment" video that gives a good overview of the NROTC MO program. Hopefully it becomes useful to you at some point in educating yourself and your family about the program.

 
Mom ...Dad,

"If not me then who? If not now then when?"

"Ask not what can my country do for me but what can I do for my country"
 
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