My Plebe Has Thoughts of Leaving USNA

They just don’t have the perspective of maturity. Life experience.

One thing that may help if it’s friends and their life back home that’s painful, is to get rid of social media accounts for a bit. Hard to do, but very ‘freeing’. My non-USNA dd did this for a while. It IS painful to be excluded (for whatever reason) from all the marvelous activities posted all over the place. Nonstop. Maybe this isn’t his particular issue...but may be helpful anyhow.

One thing my now MIDN DS said one time is that ‘when I see all the awesome things my friends are doing that I can’t, I remember that when they graduate, they hit their desk jobs for the rest of their lives.....and when I graduate, I’ll be doing really cool stuff basically for the rest of my life’.
It is very true. I suggested that he delete social media accounts for now, because I know that it's a factor in his dissatisfaction. He said that he muted people, but I told him that wasn't enough. He's aware of the weight of the opportunity he's being afforded and that's one of the reasons DS hasn't moved forward formally. I'm finding comfort in that for now. Yes, it is very helpful.
 
I've seen CAPT MJ post this advice before, and it probably the best single point in these threads. If DS truly wants to leave, encourage him to be running toward something, instead of away from USNA. Something drew him to USNA in the first place, ask him what has changed ?

This issue comes up frequently, and if someone did an analysis, they would likely find that Thanksgiving (the first time to stop, think and ponder, particularly if he was left alone in the Hall) and post Christmas (as the Midshipman hit the Dark Ages) are probably the most common times.

The Plebes are coming up to one of the best times to be a Midshipman (BEAT ARMY!) and one of the worst (first experience with College level finals). You should encourage your son to put his head down, finish this first semester hard, and if necessary talk to the Chaplain and/or Chain of Command before he leaves for Christmas break. Don't make any rash decisions, or even consider throwing life lines like holding off buying post Christmas return tickets.

Finally, while I understand the natural instinct to want to go visit, I would discourage it. First, he is going to be very busy through finals. Second, I am sure that some of the parents here will disagree, but I think that it is unlikely that a parent has the insight into life a Service Academies to really understand what a Midshipman in this situation is going through. The chaplains and chain of command know, and understand, and are better prepared to help him make a decision that he will be able to live with for the rest of his life.
After posting, I waited for DS to be off shift and we had a heart-to-heart. I felt like DS was running away from USNA and not to something else. I understand why it's one of the times Mids would be having a tough time and will encourage DS to talk to someone if he's having these thoughts again. I have his ticket booked, so he's aware that no lifelines will be thrown at that time. I see your point about visiting. Thank you.
 
Interestingly enough, just took my MIDN back to the airport. Guess what came up in discussion? A mid that separated presently. Figured out the military way isn’t for them. It’s been a long time coming. And didn’t happen quickly or without counsel as CaptMJ pointed out. IOW, it will not be a spur of the moment decision, won’t happen lightly. They will do a good job of working through it with your DS.

Do you follow the Academy Insider at all? Grant is a great resource from a midshipmen’s perspective, and he has an episode about how HE wanted to quit! You can find him online, on Facebook. Another blog also comes to mind that’s good to read: My Kid The Mid. He has one from a parent of a Mid that ultimately separated.

You are not alone! My mom heart hurts for you. And your Mid. Praying he finds his peace, whatever that is, and you too!
 
Is that the unbearable length of time between the return from Christmas break and Spring Break?

Yes. It’s cold, dark, just two 3-day weekends. Then there’s spring break, lots going on, the joys of Sea Trials and Herndon, the recognition of “I made it through Plebe year,” looking forward to summer leave and training, spending time with new friends and feeling they are finally getting somewhere.
 
Last edited:
Interestingly enough, my DS was home for Thanksgiving and he said that "There's no such thing as the Dark Ages". He told me that is the best time to catch up or get ahead, during the AC year. It's just go to class, work out, eat, study, sleep, repeat. There are no distractions, because it's crappy outside. He says it's the best time of year. I guess it's all perspective.
 
Interestingly enough, my DS was home for Thanksgiving and he said that "There's no such thing as the Dark Ages". He told me that is the best time to catch up or get ahead, during the AC year. It's just go to class, work out, eat, study, sleep, repeat. There are no distractions, because it's crappy outside. He says it's the best time of year. I guess it's all perspective.

Mine pretty much says the same. No sports either. And there IS a 3 day weekend and his family (us) comes out then. Only 6 weeks after semester break, with new classes. And after we have visited (bringing a surprise with us this year...his GF) and adequately spoiled him, it’s only another 6 weeks until spring break, and then the end of the whole year is on the horizon.

Days are long, weeks fly by.

Perspective.
 
This time is year is hard for Plebes, especially when he didn’t get to go home. I was a basketball player from a state very far from USNA. I never went home for Thanksgiving Or Spring Break for my 4 years. We usually were on the road for a tournament. Cmas we got 3-4 days max. I totally understand what he is feeling. It’s hard to watch everyone drive away excited and you be left behind. He doesn’t see this right now, and he won’t for awhile, but, his buddies all bragging how college is the greatest thing ever and what is he doing? Sure they probably are having fun, but like a lot of 18 year olds, it’s probably a lot of exaggeration too. They aren’t covering the parts like feeling alone as they found their new group, the stress of academics, balancing it all, etc. They are saying how great it is to do what they what, when they want, how they want. He needs to refocus and remember why he wanted to go to USNA, does that still stand? If his answer is yes, then he needs to experience this summer and see the fleet. His summer pictures will be much cooler than his buddies internships or summer jobs. Also, if he is set on leaving after a few more months, then he better get working on an app for next year somewhere. I am guessing he is just down and feeling sorry for himself right now. It will be tough tonight to hear all his USNA friends come back and how great home was. But they will all settle back in. Army Navy and finals are ahead. He will figure it out, we all did.
 
Very true about the summer and doing cool stuff. DS went on a block, where he visited Dubai, shot huge guns off a ship, flew around with a helicopter squad, visited really neat places. And got paid. ALL of his squad back home working summer jobs were jealous. HE had the best summer. His highlight reel will impress his buddies very soon!
 
His summer pictures will be much cooler than his buddies internships or summer jobs.

This! Sure, some of DD’s friends did cool internships and/or fun trips during the summer after freshman year. But DD posted photos of her clambering up the ladder onto the deck of a warship at sea, riding a small boat skimming the surf many miles offshore, riding a camel through Biblical dessert sands, hiking up to a cliff top to witness a Mediterranean sunset. If your DS can make it to the summer training blocks, he’ll see a very different side of USNA life and some of the career that lies ahead. Help him remember that USNA is a means to an end — the end that he presumably wrote about so eloquently in his application.

Another thought: The difference between his experiences and those of his friends can be seen as a badge of honor. During plebe year Halloween, DD had a great time dressing up with her company mates, competing in the costume contest, yucking it up with food and drink. And then promptly at 8pm, it was “Party’s over, back to the books!” About the same time that many of her civilian friends were just starting their pre-party! Some will lament that fact. DD and her roommates saw it as a badge of honor: “Yeah, we have fun. And we work our butts off too. Isn’t that cool?”

Perspective — and attitude — is everything. Heed the advice given earlier of speaking with upperclassmen who themselves stuck it out and are now thriving.
 
I believe that every Plebe in the history of USNA on at least one occasion had thoughts about leaving USNA.

I did.
Sometimes I think that having to literally fight my way through Plebe Year on all fronts - Military, Physical and especially academic was a godsend for me. I was extremely stubborn and the more "they" (books, upperclass, etc) tried to push me out, the more I wanted to stay. I was working so hard to make it at USNA that I did not ever consider leaving. My "fighting" mantra was "They can kick me out but I'm never going to quit".

Eventually, it got better, I conquered or at least tamed the books along with the rest but it was a hell of a ride. Over the succeeding decades, I've been through some other big storms but the grit that I found within myself back then comes back when I need it.
 
Is that the unbearable length of time between the return from Christmas break and Spring Break?

My understanding is the Dark Ages are that time basically between about Halloween and the end of February- when it is getting dark at 4: 30 in the afternoon and daylight is very short. That is also about the time when the academic load hits extremely hard and heavy. FWIW, DS is a firstie and for the last month he has been " I hate this place- I want to quit/get out of here" also. I think every mid experiences this every year during the Dark Ages- your plebe is not alone in their emotions. Plebe year is not the rest of the Academy experience. Encourage him to stay for spring semester, then make a decision after that.
 
"There's no such thing as the Dark Ages". He told me that is the best time to catch up or get ahead, during the AC year.

My understanding is the Dark Ages are that time basically between about Halloween and the end of February- when it is getting dark at 4: 30 in the afternoon and daylight is very short. That is also about the time when the academic load hits extremely hard and heavy. FWIW, DS is a firstie and for the last month he has been " I hate this place- I want to quit/get out of here" also.

Your DS has a great great attitude THP--but the thought that there are no Dark Ages is BS ! (Sorry but its true). The Dark Ages are Christmas to Spring Break , it is dark, dreary and with little outdoor activity (but someday I will tell the story about a late February ultimate Frisbee game that turned into a mud bath, one of the highlights for my First Class Year). It's a tough time for everyone, but particularly Plebes who come back from Christmas leave and think they can coast until Herndon.

For Sandy, Halloween through Exams is not the Dark Ages. Sure, it can be dull and dreary in Annapolis, but there is so much going on. If the Brigade is not fired up about Army Navy, I am concerned about the future. Also, I can't imagine any First Class is even thinking about quitting..."I want to get out of this place ....usually with an embedded expletive, is certainly a common thought, but they can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I think 2nd Semester of First Class year was the only time I actually looked forward to going back !
 
After posting, I waited for DS to be off shift and we had a heart-to-heart. I felt like DS was running away from USNA and not to something else. I understand why it's one of the times Mids would be having a tough time and will encourage DS to talk to someone if he's having these thoughts again. I have his ticket booked, so he's aware that no lifelines will be thrown at that time. I see your point about visiting. Thank you.

thank you for sharing your journey of this difficult time. Sending {{{{mom hugs}}}}} your way 😌 and keeping this thread tucked away in my brain should this come up for our family next year (DS is applying for class of 2024)
 
As an airline pilot I frequently give rides to Cadets going back to West Point. If it’s after Winter/Christmas break you can see a definite change in their demeanor as we roll up to the gate. That time from Christmas Break through spring is hard on them.
Truthfully, there were times during her Plebe year when I thought we would see a cloud of dust out Thayer Gate as our DD went back to the ranks.
Now as a “Cow” she is very happy with her decision to stay.
 
Lots of good advice. I would first encourage your DS to finish out the year and his summer activities. Seeing the real fleet often lends perspective on the end game.

I totally second CAPT MJ's advice about going to something vs. running away from something. I knew quite a few folks who left USNA voluntarily. Those who ended up successful are those who knew why they were leaving and knew where they were going. They'd mapped out a college future and a career future. Those who figured anywhere had to be better often found that not to be true.

Dark Ages also suck b/c you get first semester grades and half of the class is in the bottom half of the class. That's not a place most mids are used to being. There's (or at least was) a bit of renewed "plebe stuff" in the first few weeks. Spring break seems like it's years away. It's just not a great time of year for most people. Then there's spring break, lighter and warmer days, summer training assignments, the prospect of no longer being a plebe . . . for almost everyone, things really look up. For some, they never do and those folks probably will be happier elsewhere.
 
thank you for sharing your journey of this difficult time. Sending {{{{mom hugs}}}}} your way 😌 and keeping this thread tucked away in my brain should this come up for our family next year (DS is applying for class of 2024)
This forum is immensely helpful. I was hesitant to post, but I knew that there is a wealth of knowledge and experience to help me navigate this situation. The mom hugs are greatly appreciated and I hope to see your DS among the class of 2024:)
 
Driving the sponsor plebes and youngsters back to the Yard on cold, icy Saturday nights in Jan-Mar, with a raw wind blowing off the Chesapeake and the prospect of frozen bumpy brick walks to navigate, the car would be VERY quiet.

When the weather broke, the air softened, the daffodils and tulips pushed their heads up, the prospect of spring break beckoned, and after that, with increasing confidence on the downhill run to semester end and Comm Week, the car chatter sparkled and fizzed. They had figured the place out, and while it still sucked, they had developed basic suck-management skills. They were going to make it.
 
Last edited:
Lots of good advice. I would first encourage your DS to finish out the year and his summer activities. Seeing the real fleet often lends perspective on the end game.

I totally second CAPT MJ's advice about going to something vs. running away from something. I knew quite a few folks who left USNA voluntarily. Those who ended up successful are those who knew why they were leaving and knew where they were going. They'd mapped out a college future and a career future. Those who figured anywhere had to be better often found that not to be true.

Dark Ages also suck b/c you get first semester grades and half of the class is in the bottom half of the class. That's not a place most mids are used to being. There's (or at least was) a bit of renewed "plebe stuff" in the first few weeks. Spring break seems like it's years away. It's just not a great time of year for most people. Then there's spring break, lighter and warmer days, summer training assignments, the prospect of no longer being a plebe . . . for almost everyone, things really look up. For some, they never do and those folks probably will be happier elsewhere.

CAPT MJ was spot on with that advice. The "plans" DS spouted out were laughable so I knew he was running from, not to something. The 1st year plan sounds reasonable. Thank you for weighing in on this.
 
Back
Top