Exhausted Doolie Parent

Yep, still called the dark ages and they still play the same song.šŸ˜‚
We think itā€™s funny they call it the dark ages. Weā€™re from the PNW so my DD complains thereā€™s too much sun. They did play Xmas music as we left pw but thought it was hilarious. Didnā€™t realize it was supposed to be a torture tactic. šŸ˜‚
 
Many great advises here! What is true and consistent is that your 4/C Fall semester is very challenging because you start at the bottom of the barrel and you have much to learn, adapt (including the altitude), and there's non stop daily catch up. On top of that, academic standard has increased 2 fold as well as the lack of academic flexibility in choosing classes and professors, let alone friends.

As part of the solution, I do agree that Mom and Dad do less calls with your DD. Less Mom time and more Wing time. In fact, cut it down to one or couple of calls a week, reserved on weekends. Your DD should lean on the resources at the Academy and with sponsored family, and there should be many.

Part of the solution is for her to engage and discover what resources are available to her. Truth is, Cadets will always find things to be unhappy through 1/C. Over time, you will get less episodes and drama as her life and priorities change at the Academy. But many same dislikes can remain unchanged throughout her Cadet years. But her tolerance will change as she matures, becomes more proficient in her Cadet skills, culturally adapting, becomes academically more confident, and has found her tribe in a tribe.

It would be most unfortunate to quit and then realize that what she has left is better than what she has got her self into. An unstructured path in the CIV world is more painful than a structured path in a military career. You have to fight even harder and show a greater competitive advantage and differentiation in the CIV world to be recognized and to get hired.

On the contrary, at the Academy, Air Force wants you to be like everyone else, in speech, dress, presence, core knowledge, competence, confidence, physical and mental readiness, and allegiance. The beauty of being at the Academy and in ROTC programs is that at least you know what you will do for the first 5 years after commissioning. Not the case in the CIV world. No one will be there for you if you are not there to take care of yourself. What Mom and Dad can do for DD is limited as it is the case now. There is no structured institution to guide you. You must lead yourself. Unless, your DD is mature enough to manage herself and make important decisions, she can be in a more challenging environment outside the Academy. At least from what I can read from your post, I do not think her maturity and self reliance is at her best. If she was at a CIV college, I would like to recommend a Gap Year so she can grow up a year, maybe. But not at USAFA because you grow up by being part of the tribe, not away from it.

So it can be a rude awakening for your DD to leave such a privileged environment the Air Force can give her. USAFA may not be the best place to be now at age 17-19, but it is a great place to come from throughout your lifetime!

We hope your DD will eventually beat her current challenges and emerge as a talented young warrior she is meant to be and one day protect our Allies and our Nation's skies!
 
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Wife of an '84 grad, Mom of a 2013 grad and current sponsor mom...
Agree with the suggestions of reducing the twice daily phone calls home, having your DD talk with a chaplain and having YOU join your local USAFA Parents Club for support.
One suggestion that I didn't see mentioned... has your DD received a sponsor family? If not, she can reach out to the Sponsor Office to request an assignment. As a sponsor family, we provide a "home away from home" on the weekends-- a relaxing environment where cadets can get away from the rigors of the Academy, a place to take a much needed nap, get home-cooked meals (& we also often serve as a "sounding board" for cadets to vent!)
We just went to an admissions tour this past week and it was the first I learned about Sponsor parents. My son and us loved this idea, even though we would be close enough to visit each weekend, having a sponsor family would be a nice place to get away from it all - school, parents, everything! I love that you do this for the cadets and Iā€™m hoping next year my boy will have a sponsor mom of his own!
 
We just went to an admissions tour this past week and it was the first I learned about Sponsor parents. My son and us loved this idea, even though we would be close enough to visit each weekend, having a sponsor family would be a nice place to get away from it all - school, parents, everything! I love that you do this for the cadets and Iā€™m hoping next year my boy will have a sponsor mom of his own!
We consider it a privilege to be a sponsor family! Just finished packing Final Exam Goodie Bags filled with study snacks for each of our sponsor cadets :)
Just an FYI if your son is accepted to USAFA next year... even though you say you're close enough to visit each weekend, I DON'T recommend frequent visits from mom & dad. We were living in GA while my son was a cadet. We chose to wait to move to CO until AFTER he graduated (in fact, we told him on his graduation day that we were planning to move to Colorado Springs- ha!) While we love our son dearly, we did NOT want him to come home to spend weekends with mom & dad. He knew he needed to learn to "stand on his own two feet" & to rely on his squad mates, friends and sponsor family for support if needed.
 
We consider it a privilege to be a sponsor family! Just finished packing Final Exam Goodie Bags filled with study snacks for each of our sponsor cadets :)
Just an FYI if your son is accepted to USAFA next year... even though you say you're close enough to visit each weekend, I DON'T recommend frequent visits from mom & dad. We were living in GA while my son was a cadet. We chose to wait to move to CO until AFTER he graduated (in fact, we told him on his graduation day that we were planning to move to Colorado Springs- ha!) While we love our son dearly, we did NOT want him to come home to spend weekends with mom & dad. He knew he needed to learn to "stand on his own two feet" & to rely on his squad mates, friends and sponsor family for support if needed.
Lol we definitely wouldnā€™t be there every weekend and wouldnā€™t want him trying to come home each weekend because we finally have all of our kids out of the home, so we need adulting time alone now šŸ˜‰
I was just saying we could be there for parentā€™s weekend and for holiday breaks because we are fairly close, but definitely think a sponsor family or his own squadron would be a better option for him to spend time with and mom and dad definitely wonā€™t be intruding. Heā€™s an adult now, he has to find his own way and we just have to support him in this chapter. Iā€™m not worried about him being away from us or any of that, because he has traveled all over the world competing and training since eighth grade without us. He is well rounded and does great making a family and support system with those around, I just love the ideas of a sponsor family. One of my other children spent a few weeks in Japan training and competing and she still stays in contact with her sponsor family.
 
I'm a parent of a cadet and we are a sponsor family. We definitely don't see our cadet every weekend, but we are his sponsor, while also officially sponsoring 3 of his squadmates (and unofficially sponsoring a few others of his squadmates). Mostly we get them on Sundays during the NFL season to watch football and loan a car to them here and there for ski trips, etc. USAFA teaches them to stand on their own, so I haven't noticed our DS leaning too heavily on us as parents/sponsors.
 
This stretch (between Thanksgiving and Christmas) is absolute hell on all the cadets, cramming for finals and trying to balance emotions is a tall order, don't give in to the temptation, support your DD and give her a constant stream of encouragement, she will have a well deserved break in just a few days. Remind her the payoff is well worth the journey.
 
If your cadet isn't able to contact their sponsor family and would like a new one, they can always email cadet.sponsor@usafa.edu and explain the situation. Note that the sponsor office will not act on emails from parents. It has to come from the cadet.
Thanks! I think she is settled in more, and although I am envious of the relationships many cadets have with their sponsors, she doesn't seem to want to pursue this anymore. She has been managing to get off base when she can with other cadets to spend time relaxing.
 
Many great advises here! What is true and consistent is that your 4/C Fall semester is very challenging because you start at the bottom of the barrel and you have much to learn, adapt (including the altitude), and there's non stop daily catch up. On top of that, academic standard has increased 2 fold as well as the lack of academic flexibility in choosing classes and professors, let alone friends.

As part of the solution, I do agree that Mom and Dad do less calls with your DD. Less Mom time and more Wing time. In fact, cut it down to one or couple of calls a week, reserved on weekends. Your DD should lean on the resources at the Academy and with sponsored family, and there should be many.

Part of the solution is for her to engage and discover what resources are available to her. Truth is, Cadets will always find things to be unhappy through 1/C. Over time, you will get less episodes and drama as her life and priorities change at the Academy. But many same dislikes can remain unchanged throughout her Cadet years. But her tolerance will change as she matures, becomes more proficient in her Cadet skills, culturally adapting, becomes academically more confident, and has found her tribe in a tribe.

It would be most unfortunate to quit and then realize that what she has left is better than what she has got her self into. An unstructured path in the CIV world is more painful than a structured path in a military career. You have to fight even harder and show a greater competitive advantage and differentiation in the CIV world to be recognized and to get hired.

On the contrary, at the Academy, Air Force wants you to be like everyone else, in speech, dress, presence, core knowledge, competence, confidence, physical and mental readiness, and allegiance. The beauty of being at the Academy and in ROTC programs is that at least you know what you will do for the first 5 years after commissioning. Not the case in the CIV world. No one will be there for you if you are not there to take care of yourself. What Mom and Dad can do for DD is limited as it is the case now. There is no structured institution to guide you. You must lead yourself. Unless, your DD is mature enough to manage herself and make important decisions, she can be in a more challenging environment outside the Academy. At least from what I can read from your post, I do not think her maturity and self reliance is at her best. If she was at a CIV college, I would like to recommend a Gap Year so she can grow up a year, maybe. But not at USAFA because you grow up by being part of the tribe, not away from it.

So it can be a rude awakening for your DD to leave such a privileged environment the Air Force can give her. USAFA may not be the best place to be now at age 17-19, but it is a great place to come from throughout your lifetime!

We hope your DD will eventually beat her current challenges and emerge as a talented young warrior she is meant to be and one day protect our Allies and our Nation's skies!
@CrewDad Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful post. I completely agree with everything you are saying about having a structured path. Not being military, I used to think oh geez.....she will owe 5 years or more, and now I see it as she has a guaranteed job! She is seeing this too so this is not lost on her. I absolutely love the last sentence of your post, and I think she is seeing herself more in this light every day :) .
 
I keep checking back to this thread to see if there were any updates. I get connected to all these stories on SAF and just want them all to succeed no matter the route. Your last responses seemed more upbeat and that she is getting a little more settled and adjusted into the academy lifestyle. Hopefully your DD enjoys her break and is able to relax and rejuvenate for January. I know mine has been enjoying the time to unwind, watch tv, sleep in (although that may be the time difference) and visiting old friends. Has your DD decided to stay through the year?
 
I keep checking back to this thread to see if there were any updates. I get connected to all these stories on SAF and just want them all to succeed no matter the route. Your last responses seemed more upbeat and that she is getting a little more settled and adjusted into the academy lifestyle. Hopefully your DD enjoys her break and is able to relax and rejuvenate for January. I know mine has been enjoying the time to unwind, watch tv, sleep in (although that may be the time difference) and visiting old friends. Has your DD decided to stay through the year?
Hello @2025 hopeful,

She is back on base. Things are much better now, and she said a few weeks ago that she sees the big picture now.

I can't thank all of the wonderful champions on this page taking time to respond and be supportive. Words cannot express my gratitude, and I hope this thread helps someone else out someday.

Hope your cadet enjoyed every minute of break! Counting down to Rec :).
 
Hello. Please hear me out and be patient. I know this is an issue discussed in the past
So College acceptances had come to the 2-3 n 4 top choices, USNA was the top choice and she was offered an appointment and she accepted
Now sheā€™s crying, now she doesnā€™t know what to do and sheā€™s terrified because mids write in social media blogs that they are miserable.
She went to the USNA Stem camp in 9th grade, due to covid did on line summer seminar, recently she went to CVW. And always left happy from those experiences. She had join several unofficial social media blogs, proudly shared her acceptance to the USNA But now sheā€™s crying not knowing what to do and wondering about her other options. What to say what to do.
 
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Go read the "Why is USNA near the top of the Least Happy Colleges?" thread. Several people unpack the difference between a simple shiny happy positive and something maybe that's more fulfilling or substantive or rewarding or several other heavier, longer term types of satisfaction.

Tell her to hang out with others that are excited to be going just as she was a few months ago. Nerves are good, they show you're taking it seriously: it's a different type of thing that looks scarier up close because it is scarier.

 
Hello. Please hear me out and be patient. I know this is an issue discussed in the past
So College acceptances had come to the 2-3 n 4 top choices, USNA was the top choice and she was offered an appointment and she accepted
Now sheā€™s crying, now she doesnā€™t know what to do and sheā€™s terrified because mids write in social media blogs that they are miserable.
She went to the USNA Stem camp in 9th grade, due to covid did on line summer seminar, recently she went to CVW. And always left happy from those experiences. She had join several unofficial social media blogs, proudly shared her acceptance to the USNA But now sheā€™s crying not knowing what to do and wondering about her other options. What to say what to do.
So, cadets and mids can and will complain about anything. Service Academies are restrictive and high stress places. So, there is some room for gripes. That said, there are short and long term goals and happiness. SAs are more about the long term...but there are some VERY fun opportunities too (see attached).
 

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So, cadets and mids can and will complain about anything. Service Academies are restrictive and high stress places. So, there is some room for gripes. That said, there are short and long term goals and happiness. SAs are more about the long term...but there are some VERY fun opportunities too (see attached).
Thank you very much. How beautiful that is!! We know that, she knows that, i think itā€™s just the prospect of the ā€œfun school timeā€ that kind of stir her thoughts. USNA was always her #1 choice, as a matter of fact, prior appointment, we used to tell her to apply to as many schools and scholarships and she didnā€™t, her time was spent in USNA application entirely and just another 2 favorites and 1 in State school at our request because ā€œjust in caseā€. Itā€™s just annoying to see her cry over a decision thatā€™s a no-brainier for everyone
 
Thank you very much. How beautiful that is!! We know that, she knows that, i think itā€™s just the prospect of the ā€œfun school timeā€ that kind of stir her thoughts. USNA was always her #1 choice, as a matter of fact, prior appointment, we used to tell her to apply to as many schools and scholarships and she didnā€™t, her time was spent in USNA application entirely and just another 2 favorites and 1 in State school at our request because ā€œjust in caseā€. Itā€™s just annoying to see her cry over a decision thatā€™s a no-brainier for everyone
My DS received a very late appointment to USAFA so there was not a lot of time to "think". This was good in some ways, but bad in others. His first days at USAFA in BCT were brutal because in his mind he was still going to "#2 college". When I tell you it has been a rollercoaster, I really mean it. There are high highs, and low lows (for parent and cadet) but in the end the LONG TERM goal is what keeps him there. He sees his friends partying at college and talking at Thanksgiving about all the fun they were having while all he could say was "well, I'm in prison and eat prison food". But nearing Recognition, he feels that he has accomplished more in 9 months than ANY of his friends. He realizes that he has pushed himself to limits he didn't know he had and come through with a better understanding of himself. It isn't easy, so if she is looking for "normal college, parties, and free time", a SA may not be the place. But if she is looking to challenge herself and get out of her comfort zone, the experience at a SA is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It is hard to convince young adults that the four years in college isn't the only time in their lives they can "have fun"! :)

(On a side note, if she got into her other choices, they will be there in the future. SA is a one-time chance. She might do better talking to graduates who are living the long term, not cadets in the thick of "the suck".)
 
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