Anyone wanna critique my nomination essay for Senators?

[GoAFBeatARMYSinNAVY]

Hello,

I'm from California and I will be turning in nomination applications to both senators pretty soon, so if anyone would like to give me any feedback that would be greatly appreciated. Please PM me if you would like to(for obvious reasons).

Thank You Very Much!

P.S. Good Luck to all you other applicants, hope to meet you as a class of 2025!

 

[Capt MJ]

Hello,

I'm from California and I will be turning in nomination applications to both senators pretty soon, so if anyone would like to give me any feedback that would be greatly appreciated. Please PM me if you would like to(for obvious reasons).

Thank You Very Much!

P.S. Good Luck to all you other applicants, hope to meet you as a class of 2025!

You’ll need a bit of patience. No outbound or inbound PMs until you have 5 posts, you’ve been a member for a week and the system is refreshed.

 

[justdoit19]

Kuddos to you for not posting it on the forum. That always makes me cringe!!

My boys used their English teachers for critiques/edits. Another resource for you!

Good luck!

 

[Capt MJ]

Read it out loud to a good friend or near-age sibling. If they start laughing or rolling their eyes, you’ll know your tone or content is over the top.

Avoid hyperbole. One of my pet ones is “All my life I have wanted to [fill in blank].” A slightly deranged toddler comes to mind. Better: “When I was 9, I saw an Army Officer in uniform come to our church. When she spoke to our youth group, I was so impressed by how she spoke and carried herself, I knew I wanted to be someone like that.” Think about the catalyst that put you on this path.

Depending on the prompt, tell the story only you can tell about yourself, not what you think a committee wants to read.

 

[bopper]

Adding on to @Capt MJ

Google "Hacking the College Essay 2017" and read it.
It talks about "Writing the College Essay that noone else could write."
so if you say "all of my life i wanted to join the army", then you could think of thousands of people like that.

 

[USAFA_86]

One of my favorite tips I received when writing mine was "if you dropped this essay in the hallway at school and one of your friends found it, would they immediately know it was yours?" This helped make it personal and a good representation of me. Keep in mind that senators (especially in California) will read literally thousands of these essays. If you are cliche or say obvious things, your essay will be just another stereotypical essay written by another stereotypical person. If you make your essay interesting and unique, it will stand out and the senators will be more likely to remember you. Good luck!

 

[HCopter]

Please don't post it. Not that we aren't curious, but....

We don't know you. Your teachers/family/peers do.
Your teachers do this every year. Most parents like me haven't been in college for 30 years. We may think we know, but we really don't. To everyone reading, this, your first stop should be English teachers, or those that know you best.

 

[A1Janitor]

I would be careful not to use language like “anyone wanna” - it’s best to practice using proper English when you communicate.

It is too easy to use “texting language” when writing.

Good luck.

 

[Therese_In_Denver]

feedback

Read it to your mom for content, truth. If she bursts into tears, you're on the right track.

In addition to teachers, think about your family friends. Does anybody write grant proposals? Does anybody WORK for an MOC? The very best tip we got was from my college roommate's daughter who works for an MOC in another state. She advised, do a word search on the word "that". You'll delete a bunch of them upon realizing the word is often unnecessary.