Anyone want to critique my nomination essay?

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EazyBreezy30

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Why do you want to attend a Service Academy?

My father enlisted in the Air Force almost immediately after high school. He spent the next twenty years dedicated to serving and protecting his country and still carries that drive well after his retirement. Since early childhood, I’ve known my father to be a man of great success and merit. It was always apparent to me that I wanted to follow my father’s footsteps in terms of success, but it wasn’t until sophomore year that I realized I wanted to pursue a career in the military as he did. The topic of service academies was foreign to me until junior year, though after I learned about them, I immediately became enamored by the idea of attending an academy. By being attending a service academy, I would be granted the best opportunities to develop in academics, leadership, and career.

The education offered at service academies is world-class and incredibly prestigious. Each academy offers various majors and minors that prepare and develop cadets for success in leadership and their military career. While at the academy, cadets must not only focus on academics but also on training and leadership obligations. The challenge of needing to balance my studies and other obligations is incredibly attractive to me because I believe it will instill in me greater values of responsibility and self-discipline.

Those who attend service academies are of the highest caliber and are outstanding individuals from our nation. Attending a military academy is extremely appealing to me because it means I would be surrounded by individuals who share the same integrity and drive as me. I have a strong desire to develop and assume a leadership position, which is something academies strive to teach. As a leader in my school’s marching band, I commit to teaching the importance of teamwork, communication, respect, and integrity. I come from a very diverse background and have many skills and experiences that will help me be a successful leader. I believe that these traits/characteristics would enable me to become a successful leader in and out of the academy.

Attending a service academy means I would be a part of a prestigious organization, receive a world-class education, and be taught skills to help me serve my nation to the best of my capability. I want to attend because I would have access to academic programs not offered in other colleges. I want to be challenged and taught to be the best version of myself so that I will succeed in leadership positions. But most of all, I want to attend to receive the best training to serve and better my nation. If I were to be accepted I would push myself to work my hardest to succeed and to represent the people.
 
Gee, thanks! I won't need to write my own essay now!!! You're best bet is generally to let people who actually know you and your accomplishments review it.

That being said:

First paragraph: OK I got it. Your Dad served and inspired you to want to attend an academy. How about telling me why YOU want to be an active duty Air Force officer?

Second paragraph: Mostly worthless with the possible exception of the last sentence. Why are you wasting time and words telling them what they already know?

Third paragraph: Not bad, but again I wouldn't be telling them what they already know.

Fourth: about the same feedback as the third paragraph.

This is mostly boiler plate and doesn't really tell me why IN YOUR HEART you want to be an Air Force Officer.

Sorry if this seems harsh. I don't mean it to be (well maybe a bit). I am, in part, stating this as input to lurkers who will also read this, so do't take it as solely aimed at you personally.

I think you can do a better job on your essay if you were more introspective and spent less time on things outside you, except as they gave you the burning desire in your heart that you are going to talk about. Good Luck! Hope your dreams come true.

Just one man's two cents.
 
I agree with @kinnem and won’t repeat his critique but, I’ll add a couple things.

What is your word limit? Your essay seems to be too long.

You have some grammar and punctuation issues. Commas don’t bite.

A couple examples: Don’t start a sentence with But unless you are a professional writer then you can get away with anything as long as people will buy your work. Don’t use a / in place of “and.”

There’s more but I need to get off my IPad for a few minutes. Good luck.
 
The character limit is 7,000 but it's recommended that the essay is about a page and a half long. Thanks so much for the reply!
 
EazyBreezy30 said:
I appreciate your response @kinnem! I'll keep your critique's in mind when I edit my essay
Click to expand...
One of the things to watch that spell check doesn’t often catch is the error of making plural forms of words with apostrophes, unless in certain specific cases. The plural of “critique” is simply “critiques.” No need to add the apostrophe. The apostrophe + s usually means possession of some kind. “That critique’s theme made much more sense than other critiques I have read.”
 
While the feedback you received here is valuable, I would also get feedback from:

a: Someone who knows you. A coach, teacher, mentor, etc. Someone who understands why you want to go to the academy and see if that passion is actually coming through in your essay. I agree with kinnem in that when I read that essay and don't walk away knowing why YOU want to go. I see the typical boilerplate answers that 90% of all candidates would give.

b: Your English teacher or someone else who is really good at grammar and used to reviewing essays and correcting errors (think editor). As Capt MJ said, autocorrect is not always your friend. Don't submit an essay with spelling or grammatical issues. My DS was fortunate enough to have an Aunt who worked as the literacy coordinator for our local school district. He sent her every draft of every essay for review until they were both sure everything was right.

Good Luck!
 
I don't mean to jump on your bandwagon, but can anyone also read my essay. It's very rough (first draft), and I would love feedback on how to refine it. Thanks in advance :)

An essay stating why you want to attend a service academy (400 words or less)
There are several reasons as to why I want to attend a Service Academy. Among the most important include the opportunity to serve the United States and protect the liberty and freedom it provides to both natural-born and naturalized citizens, along with immigrants that reside in the country. I want to, along with other soldiers, provide a safe place for my family and friends, and anyone else in the world who needs it. To protect the beliefs of our country would be a great accomplishment that I hope to achieve as I believe it is one of the highest callings an individual can receive. Additionally, by attending a Service Academy, I will be able to fulfill that duty of serving the US, while being able to embrace my medical career goals, as I will study subjects relating to medicine while receiving military training. By approaching both trainings at the same time, I will be able to push myself past mental and physical limits, making me a better person, who is capable of doing great things.
Looking further, once I begin active duty, I will already have the trainings to combine both desires, serving the country and becoming a surgeon, into one career. The opportunities at the Service Academies, especially at the United States Air Force Academy, will allow me to embrace other interests that I have, or interests that may develop as my life continues. I believe that by being exposed to these opportunities, I will have a greater chance of finding my purpose in life, or at least be able to provide more of myself to the bettering of our country.
As my step-father is an Army veteran, and my brother is currently in the Army on active duty, they have both told me of the community you become a part of when you join the military. The more they talked about it, the more I realized that being in the military is not simply being a part of a community, but rather a family. I strive to be a part of that family, that brotherhood, where I will have people I can trust for the rest of my life. Overall, when I see myself five years from now, I envision myself in the uniform, standing proud, and helping those who need it. I know that attending a Service Academy will help me get there.
 
I am also in the process of writing my essays. If I were you I would remember that these senators and the academies will read literally THOUSANDS of these essays. If you just talk about how you want to serve and how you think you'll excel at a service academy, your essay will be another one in the masses. While it is important that you don't get too off topic, you should bring in a personal experience to distinguish yourself.
 
I'm going to start collecting these essays and selling them on the internet. I wouldn't add this one to the collection though, for the following reasons:

1. Way too much idealistic boiler plate and really doesn't tell me why YOU want to attend an academy. Anyone could have written this essay.

2. You do not attend an academy to become a doctor or surgeon. You attend an academy to become an officer in the armed forces. One attends med school, after earning a bachelor degree, to become a doctor. Maybe one or two people get to do this right away after the academy. I would say, from your essay, that your goals do not align with those of the academy.

You could pursue a medical degree later as an officer or after you've completed your obligation.

I'm not saying you don't have great goals. I'm saying present them properly with the realization you will be an AD officer first and foremost.... and get rid of the boiler plate and tell me why YOU, and not just anyone who could make the same assertions, want to SERVE as an Officer in the US military. Why do you want to protect the people of this country? Why do you have this sense of duty? What occurred in your life to give you this desire?This is, in part, a sales pitch, so sell them what's unique about you.

Just one man's 2 cents. YMMV. I'm sure others will think I'm being too harsh on this years crop of essays, but these comments are as much for others as for you.
 
Thank you both for your advice! I definitely feel that both of your points are valid and things that I thought of while writing it. But after staring at the prompt for a few days, I felt the need to just write anything down...

I know you probably have many things to do, but would it be possible to send you my next draft @kinnem? I really want to make sure I am on the right track.
 
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I don’t think you should be using a public forum to illicit feedback on admissions essays. Use people who know you, teachers and if your service academy has admissions partners they may also offer this service. But a public forum would be big NO for me - you have no idea who is on the other side of the screen/keyboard reading your essay.
 
I concur with sanman, which was the not so obvious reason for mentioning selling essays on the internet.

This needs to come from you and your experience. If you're doing that then you will be on the right track. I can only give you the opinion of one man who doesn't even know you, and thats pretty worthless for anything other than pointing out the glaringly obvious.

Also, just starting to write something isn't a bad first step to help clarify your thoughts and feelings. Good writing involves re-reading, re-writing, over and over, sometimes even throwing out what you have and starting over... even these posts.

Good luck!
 
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Will concur and amplify @kinnem and @sanman: Draft essays should be reviewed with people who know you well, not anonymous strangers on SAF.

Simple reason: Your family, friends and teachers know your real intent, experiences and voice. They can speak to your essay’s authenticity and call BS if necessary. Those of us here cannot. We can only give you generic, general advice, which is this: If your essay sounds like it could’ve been written by anyone else, then you have work to do. And that’s the #1 issue with essays posted here.

Candidates, do yourself a huge favor and focus your feedback sessions on those who know you well. They’ll give it to you straight!
 
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