C4C considering leaving after BCT

Please STRONGLY encourage your DS to stay the course at least, at the very minimum, through this first semester. There are some fun things to enjoy in the fall in COS: football will begin and while that is not always so joyful (it is NOT the Pittsburgh Steelers, after all), it can be fun and if they win, what's not to love?

Do not forget his sponsor family. They can be a great asset to him, if he's feeling blue or just needing some R&R (on Sundays) or a home cooked meal.

One thing I want to tell flymom19: this decision absolutely must be your son's. It is a nerve-testing time for parents, especially if you were very involved in your child's education/life up to the time he left. Transition periods can be exceptionally painful (been there, done that, sent the post card AND bought the T-shirt), but once the transition is made, life takes on a calmer quality. If you influence your son in any way, two years from now, or five, or fifteen, or fifty!, your son may look back and BLAME you. Too hovering, too into my business, too willing to have me closer to home... whatever the reasons, real or false, he may not see his current problem as teenaged angst and homesickness, but as mom's interference.

I might suggest to you that your son needs a sounding board, NOT any action AT ALL from his parents, especially from dear Mom, who may be still willing to make his bed, bake him up some cookies, and give him the keys to the minivan for a trip to the mall. I might even suggest telling him that if he does return home, things will be different (him being an adult now, and all). Also, remind him that if he does opt to leave and go to State U or wherever, he's in a worse place there than he is in right now. Knows no one, coming in late, getting the worst room on campus, worst schedule, etc.

This mom is all for offering an ear and shedding a tear, in private. But I would not offer any advice, at all.
 
While we are trying to encourage him to try to stay for at least the first semester, we've also told him it's his decision to make. We can't make it for him. We know if he decides to stay, it has to be because he wants to, not because he thinks we are telling him he has to.

We have also pointed out the worst room on campus/worst class schedule scenario to him too.

Thank you for taking the time to post. I really appreciate your advice. It has been interesting to follow your sons' journey on this forum.
 
fencersmother said:
I might even suggest telling him that if he does return home, things will be different (him being an adult now, and all).
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This is so important. I remember when we dropped my son off at his SMC they had an alum come and speak to the parents. One of the first questions he asked was if we knew of someone that had quit college in the first semester and come home...many people raised their hands. He pointed out that while the SMC (and likewise, the SA) experience is different than the typical college experience, our cadets would still be working through the same issues all kids face when they leave home. It's tough going from a place where they have things pretty much figured out to a completely new environment, and it is completely normal to want to pack it in and go back to the way things were. Our job as parents was to listen but also to remind them as necessary that even if they leave where they are now they can't go back - that life doesn't exist any more.

FlyMom, I'm sorry your son is having a tough time but I'm glad that he's doing a bit better today. Hopefully as he gets into the routine of the academic year it will get easier for him.
 
Oh, fencersmother, I forgot to include in that last post, do you know anything about whether cadets who leave early on before they've paid off the advance for their issued items out of their cadet pay owe anything? I posted the question earlier in this thread, but I haven't gotten any answers yet. I thought maybe you would know.
 
Flymom, may I make a further suggestion? As a mom who has seen this same scenario several times, I might just say to Junior:

Son, you chose this path and you took a slot from someone else. Straighten up, fly right, and get to class. Call me ONLY every other day (at most) between now and Parents Weekend (You ARE going to PW, right?). That's it. Absolutely no more than every other day or even, twice a week, tops. That way, he knows you support him, but really, you will force him to either sink or swim, to succeed there (albeit not the happiest of campers), or to bolt for what he feels are greener pastures. If he decides, no, he wants to come home, then leave ABSOLUTELY EVERY detail to him. He has been to basic cadet training, he accepted the mantle of adulthood. No more mom fixing up his schedule or figuring out who pays for what. Furthermore, leave his entire educational career in his lap. DO NOTHING to facilitate either his leaving (or staying) at USAFA, nor matriculating at State U or LAC. DO NOTHING. Put it all on him.

Granted, this is extremely difficult for a parent to do, but everyone will be better off for it.
 
Fly, I believe that depends on exactly how much they have been issued at this time.

I stress: let him figure it out. If he doesn't have the money to pay for such items, they'll work out a payment plan for him, not for you.

That transition from high schooler to college student can be so tough, but I really feel that for a kid who worked so hard to get the nom and appt to USAFA or any SA, they really do have what it takes to succeed there. half the time, I think kids who leave just wanted the freedom of driving the car (kidding, but it sometime looks like that).

Forget the money; it is his responsibility now. And what hokiesfan said is right: even if DS comes home now, and say, lives in his same bedroom with his brother and drives your minivan to school, it is NOT the same, nor can it ever be for him. He's been through BCT; he is a new person. They made sure of that.

One other thing: even in your letters to him (which I strongly suggest over email, which can be emotion driven), write about the garden harvest, the dog's rabies shot, Little Susie's new cheerleader outfit, and Dad's missed promotion at work, your doctor appointment. Do not mention his troubles at all.
 
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Really outstanding advice here folks...thank you for the great advice and caring from all of you for our member and her son!!!!

I can remember MANY times I wanted to leave...I turned in my resignation three times to my AOC when I was a doolie (Thank you Col BCP for NOT accepting them); and each time he looked me in the eye, asked a couple of questions, then tore the forms up in front of me and said something to the effect of: "Nope, you're not quitting...come back when you have a real reason, a REASON to leave...then I'll listen."

So...did I have the most amazing cadet career? ROFLMAO!! Uh, no...you can ask any of my classmates (we graduated 958) and those that remember me will laugh...."Oh, our AC PRO ace?" "Steve, the snorkel cadet?" (because I was so often below "C" level). And there were quite a few others...friends and colleagues...

Several of those are now generals...many are retired senior officers, and some did leave and have had highly successful careers.

Me....32 years in uniform, the joy of flying several types of aircraft, seeing the world, defending my country when I was asked, making friends that will last a lifetime...it started at "The Zoo."

Leaving when everything stinks will be a regret; leaving when everything is great and the decision is based upon sound logic: "This is not my calling, but XXX is; I must do it!!" is when it's the right thing to do and should be embraced.

I wish this young man well; I've "been there, done that" and can relate...

Again, you ALL have given such wonderful counsel!!!!

Steve
USAFA ALO
USAFA '83
 
fencersmother said:
Flymom, may I make a further suggestion? As a mom who has seen this same scenario several times, I might just say to Junior:

Son, you chose this path and you took a slot from someone else. Straighten up, fly right, and get to class. Call me ONLY every other day (at most) between now and Parents Weekend (You ARE going to PW, right?). That's it. Absolutely no more than every other day or even, twice a week, tops. That way, he knows you support him, but really, you will force him to either sink or swim, to succeed there (albeit not the happiest of campers), or to bolt for what he feels are greener pastures. If he decides, no, he wants to come home, then leave ABSOLUTELY EVERY detail to him. He has been to basic cadet training, he accepted the mantle of adulthood. No more mom fixing up his schedule or figuring out who pays for what. Furthermore, leave his entire educational career in his lap. DO NOTHING to facilitate either his leaving (or staying) at USAFA, nor matriculating at State U or LAC. DO NOTHING. Put it all on him.

Granted, this is extremely difficult for a parent to do, but everyone will be better off for it.
Click to expand...

Before our son went to USAFA we talked with a relative of a friend who had a son that went to USAFA. They shared some advice/insight, etc. Later on, after our DS got an appointment and was actually at BCT, they shared with us that when they went out to visit their son during parents weekend, he said that he had had enough and wanted to leave. I'm not sure all his reasons but he definitely was upset and just wanted to go home. That weekend they got him aside and told him almost verbatim what Fencersmother said here. Long story short, he graduated from USAFA (around 2007-08) and is very successful. They used tough love, but it worked.
 
My DS is a youngster at USNA. I know he was filled with self-doubt. The flight to the east coast, I-Day, PPW, start of AC year. We are in a very small town on the west coast--he started thinking there was no way he could compete. I believe self-doubt is a sign of intelligence. (An idiot never has self-doubt). As parents we were reminded to tell our plebes to just focus on one mile-stone at a time.

There will always be those that the fit just isn't right--some will regret leaving, some not. Support him be there for him try to get him to reach for the next mile-stone before stepping away. But support him regardless of his choice--just let him know that.

Wish you and your family well.
 
A few people have mentioned that all C4Cs have a sophomore coach. But I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned that every squadron also has two Peers (mentors) who are a first line of counseling for just about anything on a cadet's mind/heart. They are sworn to confidentiality just like professional counselors. And they are supposed to know about all of the available resources so they can refer classmates to appropriate professionals if requested.
FWIW, I believe cadets who leave ARE responsible for any debt incurred in the form of uniforms, computer, books, etc.
 
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waiting game said:
A few people have mentioned that all C4Cs have a sophomore coach. But I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned that every squadron also has two Peers (mentors) who are a first line of counseling for just about anything on a cadet's mind/heart. They are sworn to confidentiality just like professional counselors. And they are supposed to know about all of the available resources so they can refer classmates to appropriate professionals if requested.
Click to expand...

To be clear, PEERs and some of the other helping agencies here have limits on their confidentiality. It's a great program though, many of my close friends here are PEERs.
 
FlyMom19 said:
Oh, fencersmother, I forgot to include in that last post, do you know anything about whether cadets who leave early on before they've paid off the advance for their issued items out of their cadet pay owe anything? I posted the question earlier in this thread, but I haven't gotten any answers yet. I thought maybe you would know.
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Flymom, I found this in the Appointee instructions under the finances section:
Cadets who separate before the advance is repaid are expected to return uniform and equipment items acceptable for resale to repay as much of the advance loan as possible. The remaining debt balance will become taxable income. The debt itself is forgiven.
 
Yes Flymom, how is your DS doing? No details if you are not comfortable supplying them. We are all wishing only the best for your son.
 
FalconsRock said:
FlyMom19 said:
Oh, fencersmother, I forgot to include in that last post, do you know anything about whether cadets who leave early on before they've paid off the advance for their issued items out of their cadet pay owe anything? I posted the question earlier in this thread, but I haven't gotten any answers yet. I thought maybe you would know.
Click to expand...

Flymom, I found this in the Appointee instructions under the finances section:
Cadets who separate before the advance is repaid are expected to return uniform and equipment items acceptable for resale to repay as much of the advance loan as possible. The remaining debt balance will become taxable income. The debt itself is forgiven.
Click to expand...

I thought I remembered reading that before, but I couldn't remember where. Thank you for finding it and posting it.
 
Flymom....If your son hasn't already...please guide him to speak to a his Sq. PEER. My DS was a PEER in his day...c/0 15. He never mentioned names etc...but he did share that there were a quite a few C4C that were homesick, gf/bf sick, panic sick, tired sick, academic probation sick...which led to "thinking" of leaving USAFA. ANd he did have one that wanted to leave AFTER BCT and the start of the academic year. Needless to say, his encouragement and constant checking up on their morale throughout their 1st year was his sole purpose as a PEER. He did say that after PW...most of the homesick, gf/bf sick improved, while the academic and constant looking out for upperclassmen was ongoing throughout the remainder of the year until Recognition. Your son will find that academically, he will have ALL the help he needs if he seeks them out if he needs it. Parents Weekend...your son will want to CATCH UP on his sleep..."at least mine did back in his day" so hopefully he will be refreshed by then and have a better sense of how he feels up to that point. I think during that time, face time with you will be very helpful and reading your post...I know you will comfort him and just listen. Best wishes.
 
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DS is a '13 grad, but I still check here every now and wanted to pass along some very wise words a mom posted years ag0 -- even before DS was in BCT, but they still apply. Best of luck to your son Flymom19

From Someone's Very Wise Mother

1. If AFA is not for you, you have a home to come to if you leave. I will
still love you and be as proud of you as I am today. However, you must not
leave on a bad day, but a good one, and you must have a plan for your future
education along with the means to support it so that you can realize your
dreams. This should never be a frivolous decision because you have discovered
all the 'crap' you have to deal with. Each day is different and has it stresses
and fun.

2. AFA has dealt with its share of scandals in the past few years, and many of
the problems have stemmed from cadets drinking, both under aged and legally. I
would want my son to understand that a bottle of beer or one too many, could end
his dreams and it is never going to be worth it. Don't break my heart and
destroy what you have been blessed with over alcohol.

3. Life is not fair in the civilian world, and it seems more unfair in the
military world, but don't ever let that deter you from your goals. You make
things work for you and learn to suck up the stupid stuff.

4. The right girl for you will stick with you through thick and thin and
support your choice as a cadet and be tolerant of what you have to deal with.
The wrong girl will ask you to give it all up for her with no regard for your
ambitions.

5. No matter what your peers do, it is up to you to make the right choice for
yourself. Peer pressure is an excuse for the weak and you are in a leadership
laboratory. Remember that.

6. It's so much easier to follow the rules than it is to sweat getting caught
if you break them, and not be able to concentrate on the important things in
your present. BTW, you WILL get caught.

7. Academics come first and foremost. You are there for the education, not to
become the world's greatest boot shiner. Do everything to the best of your
ability, but know the priorities for success at AFA.

8. Time management is the best skill anyone can have, and it is one you must
master at AFA, because they will stress you with too much to do in too little
time. Each day seems to take forever, but the years fly by.

9. Keep in touch with your family. I would love to get one or two minutes of
your free time each week just to hear your voice.

10. Be honest with me about what is happening for you. If you are stressed,
having academic problems, need to vent, or whatever, I love you and will be
there for you always. I will do all I can to help, even if it is just to listen
to you rant.
 
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