Commitment and Relationships

[Peeki_the_chicken]

Obviously you are committing your time to serving and serving is your number one priority when you choose to go to the Academy and become an officer. But over the years you are serving as an officer, I'm sure marriage and starting a family is something that is thought about. And from what I have been told, it is possible, but difficult. Also, I have heard that if you are in a relationship with someone already serving before attend the academy, you may be stationed together if marriage occurs, but it is discouraged. I have also heard that having children allows both the father and mother to take leave? Not sure how accurate that can be or if you can even have kids...I know there is no straight answer and it is a pretty gray area, but if anyone can share THEIR experience with having a relationship while serving as an officer, that would be great so I have a better understanding of where to go from here.

 

[kinnem]

I'll let those who can speak from direct experience to do so. Just wanted to say you can have kids during a military career. You can NOT have dependents while pursuing a commission through a ROTC program or a Service Academy.

 

[Old Navy BGO]

Reading between lines here a little, but it appears that you are asking about relationship between two active duty members. I really didn't know any Officer/Enlisted couples, but have known several Officer/Officer couples and Enlisted/Enlisted couples. In both cases, it takes commitment, flexibility, and understanding of the First Law of the Navy .... "THE NEEDS OF THE NAVY CONTROL !" (For those that memorized the 23 verses of the Laws of the Navy, this should be included !).

Detailers will try to get couples stationed near each other, but even if stationed in the same place, you have to deal with deployment schedules, duty , etc. Serving in the Navy involves separation, and its made even tougher when both are serving.

Adding children to the family makes it even tougher. It's possible of course, but parents need to have a strong support system and plan for contingencies (i.e. what happens if Dad's ship makes a short notice deployment while mom is already on deployment ?).

In short, its difficult, but possible. Hopefully someone will be able to post a long term success story !

 

[Capt MJ]

People figure this out, and they weigh their options, desires and feelings along the way. Some dual-military couples go for a full dual career ride (DH and I did 26 years apiece, offset a bit), some go a few years and one gets out and may/may not go Reserve, some have kids, some don’t.

Over the period of the time since the early 70’s, when women started entering the service in greater numbers, policies were created for maternity leave, maternity uniforms, serving while pregnant, co-location (Navy will co-locate if possible, but not guaranteed), career breaks, adoption, on-base child care, etc.

Just as there are all kinds of relationships, there are all kinds of ways to be married and have a family while serving.

Neither my DH nor I needed to be joined at the hip in our relationship, and we occasionally chose tours apart that were right for our respective careers. We worked hard to see each other on a regular basis, and focused on clear and loving communications. It helped we are both strong, independent, “doers.” After 37 years, we look back on our time in uniform and feel the dual career challenges were well worth it and working together to get through them strengthened us. Absolute trust is a must.

We know many dual couples who were awesome at the kid-management side of things.

Everyone has their own way of traveling the path. As I said at the top, people figure this out.

To the OP, you have no idea how your life will unfold or what obstacles you will have to fight through, go over or around. Worrying about something so far in the future should not deter you from taking a step on the path to service. None of it happens all at once. There are exit ramps along the way. If you decide to leave AD after your obligated service, you are not teetering at grave’s edge age-wise, and have plenty of time to start a family or choose to be with the one you have more.

In terms of entering a Service Academy and having a relationship with someone in another service, there are numerous threads here on SAF. Search on “fraternization.” Some relationships are not, by the regulations, approved.

 

[NavyHoops]

It is challenging, but it can be done. Most of my friends married military spouses, so almost all of them were dual military spouses at some point... the length varied. Having a strong support system with parents who have flexibility to come assist has been key for many of them. I can't tell you the number of times they have had to pick up the phone and ask Mom and/or Dad to fly in and assist because Mom is on deployment and Dad is now on a 1 week TAD assignment or a deployment got extended and now the deployments are overlapping. You could find yourself delivering a child while a spouse is deployed. Dual military couples do their best to plan things out as best they can. B Billets or Shore tours where you usually don't deploy are usually when many women target having kids if still on active duty. Some careers are easier to be stationed together than others. It also depends where you are in your career. I have a few friends where their 3-4 years off in their careers so one on a shore tour and the other is at sea often. They have learned how to deal with it. Some have had one spouse take a "back seat" in their careers as their spouse was maybe more promotable than they were (many reasons for this) so the other took less desirable billets so they could stationed together. It takes communication, prioritizing life, being independent to go this route... but it can be done.

Yes, the military does give paid maternity and paternity leave. I can't speak to the length as it keeps changing and can vary by service. Best bet is to google Military Maternity or Paternity leave. And what you see now could be very different by the time you commission. It is trending to being more favorable for both mother and father in terms of time off.

 

[AROTC Parent]

I'll let those who can speak from direct experience to do so. Just wanted to say you can have kids during a military career. You can NOT have dependents while pursuing a commission through a ROTC program or a Service Academy.

kinnem - I know plenty of married ROTC cadets, some with children some without. What ROTC program restricts dependents? I know there are issues with single parents but not married cadets.

Edit: Number of dependents for ROTC may require a waiver but I'm not aware that having dependents in ROTC is a disqualifier.

 

[kinnem]

kinnem - I know plenty of married ROTC cadets, some with children some without. What ROTC program restricts dependents? I know there are issues with single parents but not married cadets.

Edit: Number of dependents for ROTC may require a waiver but I'm not aware that having dependents in ROTC is a disqualifier.

You're right about married. They really just want to make sure dependents are being provided for.