Dad Joke thread (everybody welcome)

I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
 
Here's one of a few I told my kids and now my grandsons get to enjoy them.

What did Tennessee?

The same as Arkansas.

My daughter still giggles but now has to throw in an eye roll.
 
What do clocks do when they are still hungry?

They go back four seconds.
 
These are some of what I sent in letters to DS last plebe summer. Cringey, I know.

  • I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
  • My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one-armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single-handedly."
  • My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
  • The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
  • Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
  • Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
 
Heard this from our Priest at Church the other day:

Three Nuns were driving down the highway at 24 miles an hour. A Police Officer pulled them over. Driving Num: Whats the matter officer, I wasn't speeding? Officer: you're going to slow-it's a hazard Mam. Nun: well the speed limit sign says 24, I didn't want to go over it. Officer: Sister, that's the Route number not the speed limit. The speed limit is 55 mph. Nun: sorry officer.

The Police Officer looks in the back seat and sees the two passenger nuns trembling and visibly upset. Officer: What's the matter with them? Nun: We just got off of Route 128.
 
Here's one handed down to me I always used during safety briefs at the BSA rifle range:
"Okay boys, you have to wear your eye protection and hearing protection. You only have one set of each and you have to keep them in good working condition. If you do something unsafe on the range it could cost you or one of your buddies an arm or a leg, the price of an eye is out of sight and you don't even want to hear what an ear costs."
I always smiled when they repeated it on the firing line to remind their buddy to put their eye shields or ear muffs on.
 
A young Lance Corporal is sitting in the smoking area having a cigarette minding his own business, when a brand new 2nd Lieutenant walks up him. The JO asks him "Lance Corporal, do you have change for a $20 bill?" , so he replies "Yea, sure buddy, one second..." Hearing this, the LT grows cross. "I am a Commissioned Officer and you will address me appropriately. Stand up straight, get that coffin nail out of your mouth, and try again! Now, do you have change for a $20 bill or not?!" The Lance Corporal jumps up, snaps to attention, and yells "SIR, I DO NOT, SIR!"
 
Older gentleman goes to the doctor and the doc asks him "What brings you in the office today Sir?"

Older gentleman says "Doc, I can't pee anymore."

Doc says "Ok, how old are you exactly Sir?"

Older gentleman says "Doc, i'm 95 years old next month!"

Doc gives the older gentleman a look up and down and says "Well Sir, I think you've peed enough...."
 
For my wife's birthday I said "Dress comfortably, because we'll be outside" and I packed a couple of lawn chairs, with her wondering what sort of thing I had dreamed up for her birthday. She didn't have long to wait, because we got to the apple orchard and I set up the chairs and we sat down. It was such a pleasant day. I remembered to bring a couple of cool drinks and bug spray.

After about 10 minutes, she asked: "so what are we going to do?"

I replied with: "Just watch, I guess."

So then she asks: "Watch what?!"

To wit I replied: "Didn't you say that you wanted an apple watch for your birthday?"
 
THParent said:
For my wife's birthday I said "Dress comfortably, because we'll be outside" and I packed a couple of lawn chairs, with her wondering what sort of thing I had dreamed up for her birthday. She didn't have long to wait, because we got to the apple orchard and I set up the chairs and we sat down. It was such a pleasant day. I remembered to bring a couple of cool drinks and bug spray.

After about 10 minutes, she asked: "so what are we going to do?"

I replied with: "Just watch, I guess."

So then she asks: "Watch what?!"

To wit I replied: "Didn't you say that you wanted an apple watch for your birthday?"
Click to expand...
That Dad is still a resident of the dog house.
 
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