Dad Joke thread (everybody welcome)

I am not certain this is a "DAD" joke, however, a geeky group I "hang out" within another forum...this was their Friday discussion...

Heisenberg is driving erratically. Schrödinger is in the front seat waving at the other cars. Einstein, Ohm, and Bohr, with others, are in the back arguing when they get pulled over. The officer asks Heisenberg, “do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but we know exactly where we are,” Heisenberg replies.

The officer looks confused and says, “you were going 120 km/h!”

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, “Great! Now we’re lost!”

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if they have anything in the trunk. “A cat,” Schrödinger replies.

The officer opens the trunk and yells, “This cat is dead!”

Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well it is now.”

Bohr says, “on the bright side, a moment ago we didn’t have a position, speed, or a cat. Now we have all three!”

Fed up, the officer says, “I just want to know how many of you I need to bring back to the station!”

“Roll dice for it?” Einstein asks.

The cop moves to arrest. Ohm resists

Coulomb was there, too. But he was not charged, while Ampere was in the back seat and not driving, even though he was the only one with a current license...
 
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "They’re not getting
divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do
another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then,
don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
 
Senior alphabet:

> > A for arthritis,
> > B for bad back,
> > C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
> > D is for dental replacements and decline,
> > E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
> > F is for fissures and fluid retention
> > G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
> > H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
> > I for incisions with scars you can show.
> > J is for joints, that now fail to flex
> > L for libido--what happened to sex?
> > Wait! I forgot about K!
> > K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
> > (Please forgive me, M-- my Memory ain't worth a cent)
> > N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
> > O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
> > P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
> > Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
> > Q is for queasiness. Wine or flu?
> > R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two
> > S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
> > T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
> > U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
> > V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
> > W is worry, now what's going 'round?
> > X is for X ray-- and what might be found.
> > Y for another year I've left behind
> > Z is for zest that I still have my mind!
> > Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
> > And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
> > Ain't being a "senior citizen" great???
 
TAKE A LOOK, alligator is on the left and crocodile is on the right. I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I'm no expert.
 

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