Essay Feedback: Why do you want to attend a Service Academy?

[hopefulcandidate3939]

I'm in the process of applying for congressional nominations and was wondering if anyone could provide some feedback on my essay for the prompt, 'Why do you want to attend a Service Academy?' I know some of my essay may be vague/superficial and my not have enough detail yet, but I wanted to just get a gauge on how I could improve it. Thanks in advance!

Growing up, I have always sensed a higher calling in life. I truly feel that the only way to fulfill this calling is to contribute to society in a meaningful way and to help those in need. As the son of immigrant parents, I have seen firsthand how one can be successful despite not being an American-born citizen. My mom came to this country hoping to be a medical oncologist, and she succeeded. My dad came to this country hoping to be a world-class tennis coach, and he succeeded. I have always loved this aspect of the United States, as I believe it is what sets us apart. Our country was built by immigrants, and our culture is defined by them. It is precisely this culture which pushes me to serve. Carrying on the legacy set by my parents 30 years ago, when they set aside their lives in India to contribute meaningfully to this society and help others, is what drives me.
I want to attend the US Military Academy because I have a deep desire to serve my country, help those in need, and want to gain the valuable skills necessary to do so. Attending the US Military academy will provide me with access to a world-class education, the opportunity to play Division 1 tennis, and will push me to become the best person I can be, both physically and mentally. It will allow me to gain discipline, work alongside others and problem-solve, and give me the opportunity to help others.

 

[WisdomST]

You have a great start. I don't know what your limit is but you may want to include what you want to do in the Army upon graduation (not just serve as an officer but what Army branch specifically). There was a USMA grad at my nom. interview who asked me questions about my preferred branch (Army branches not military branches) and a couple backups. Use those as opportunities to build on things you may not have had room for in the essay.

 

[DrMom]

More details. Right now this is highly generic. Talk about your parents' journey--where did your mom come from? how did she succeed? How does she inspire you? How does this mimic challenges in your own life? How does America inspire her and you? Same for your dad. DETAILS. Add your challenge, how you overcame your challenge, and how it inspires you to lead and serve...what about your own humility.
Right now it looks like you want to go to USMA to play D-1 tennis. Make it about overcoming challenges, engaged athleticism, and leadership.

 

[justdoit19]

Echo the D1 tennis. It’s a wonderful accomplishment. But doesn’t read well in this essay prompt.

 

[StPaulDad]

Agree with above: there are hundreds of D1 tennis programs and thousands of ways to volunteer. Why USMA? Why not USNA or Americorps? Why not a usual college and then follow your mother into medicine? How does tennis serve America? Not trying to be difficult, but step back and see the range of unanswered questions that a vague essay can leave open.

A helpful way to look at this is to write in such a way that people who know you should be able to tell it was yours without a name at the top. You're trying to give a flavor of what motivates you personally and why, how you tick and how that might help you succeed in the future, why you might be a particularly empathetic or resilient person, and so on. There are a bunch of athletic applicants with great grades, and even some with immigrant parents, so you need to make a firm and clear point to stand out.

 

[bopper]

As general advice, google "hack the college essay 2017" and read the top result.

Obviously this is not a general college essay, but the advice to "write the essay only you could write" is always good advice.

 

[Georgia Hokie]

As general advice, google "hack the college essay 2017" and read the top result.

Obviously this is not a general college essay, but the advice to "write the essay only you could write" is always good advice.

Great book/guide! Always liked the "white out" test....if they white out your name , could they still tell it was you?

 

[bopper]

The other thing to consider is that you may be thinking "why do I want to go to a service academy vs regular college"... but imagine you are a Service Academy admissions person....everyone wants to serve and help their country so you need to stand out a bit from everyone else. Why SA vs ROTC? Why not enlist?