kevintanaka
American-made
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2019
- Messages
- 11
Hey guys!
I just finished my first draft of my USNA personal statement and just wanted ANY feedback: be it the content, syntax, diction, etc. Please just comment on any thoughts.
Here it is:
I moved from Colombia—a place where I had grown up, where I had my friends who were like brothers to me, where I had happiness—to Japan: land to which I was alien. I did not speak the language because my father never bothered to teach me, causing many issues that I had never previously encountered. Because I had another culture—that of a Latino—all my classmates alienated me and tried to bully me. I felt alone and miserable: devoid of happiness. In addition, my mother was suffering from a terrible depression: I would see her crying every day, and her eyes would glimpse the sadness in her heart. Her struggle slowly destroyed my family. Her pain, our pain, only added to my agonies. Because I could not achieve good grades, I concentrated all my studies on the core subjects. I engage in all-nighters and avoid any activities that would subtract the time I would have to study. Yet, my efforts were in vain and my grades freefell. It seemed everything that I did would fail: every effort, every push would end up knocking me down again. Even so, I got up again. I learned resilience and perseverance. Albeit I knew I would never attain good grades, I never stopped studying. Albeit our family kept crumbling, I would keep smiling. I learned through the pain that everyone will fall once, but the difference between failure and success is whether you pity yourself and give up, or stand up again for one more fight.
Even so, everything still kept getting darker, more despondent, and more miserable. Although I did not give up, my hope for happiness slowly faded away.
In the midnight of my darkness emerged a dim, crescent light of hope. While in vacation trip to Guam, I met and talked with an exceptional man. A man of character, integrity, honor, leadership, and lethality: a Marine. The hope of becoming a Marine had created a concrete road to happiness. I hoped that once I had graduated from Japanese high school, I would enlist in the Marine Corps; thus, serving the nation that I loved while escaping a would-be dreary life in Japan.
Nevertheless, such a plan was never meant to materialize. Instead, a miracle happened: I was given the opportunity to live in the United States. Without any second thoughts, I packed my bags and in a bittersweet moment, I waved goodbye to my parents as I embarked on an adventure. Having arrived, I was presented with innumerable opportunities, including never needing to serve.
Still, I still want to serve my nation, and now even more so. I want to become the best Officer I can be, and be imbued with the highest ideals of duty, honor, and loyalty in order to lead my men and women with great ability. I aimed sights at the place that would help me become a better man and a better Officer: the United States Naval Academy.
I just finished my first draft of my USNA personal statement and just wanted ANY feedback: be it the content, syntax, diction, etc. Please just comment on any thoughts.
Here it is:
I moved from Colombia—a place where I had grown up, where I had my friends who were like brothers to me, where I had happiness—to Japan: land to which I was alien. I did not speak the language because my father never bothered to teach me, causing many issues that I had never previously encountered. Because I had another culture—that of a Latino—all my classmates alienated me and tried to bully me. I felt alone and miserable: devoid of happiness. In addition, my mother was suffering from a terrible depression: I would see her crying every day, and her eyes would glimpse the sadness in her heart. Her struggle slowly destroyed my family. Her pain, our pain, only added to my agonies. Because I could not achieve good grades, I concentrated all my studies on the core subjects. I engage in all-nighters and avoid any activities that would subtract the time I would have to study. Yet, my efforts were in vain and my grades freefell. It seemed everything that I did would fail: every effort, every push would end up knocking me down again. Even so, I got up again. I learned resilience and perseverance. Albeit I knew I would never attain good grades, I never stopped studying. Albeit our family kept crumbling, I would keep smiling. I learned through the pain that everyone will fall once, but the difference between failure and success is whether you pity yourself and give up, or stand up again for one more fight.
Even so, everything still kept getting darker, more despondent, and more miserable. Although I did not give up, my hope for happiness slowly faded away.
In the midnight of my darkness emerged a dim, crescent light of hope. While in vacation trip to Guam, I met and talked with an exceptional man. A man of character, integrity, honor, leadership, and lethality: a Marine. The hope of becoming a Marine had created a concrete road to happiness. I hoped that once I had graduated from Japanese high school, I would enlist in the Marine Corps; thus, serving the nation that I loved while escaping a would-be dreary life in Japan.
Nevertheless, such a plan was never meant to materialize. Instead, a miracle happened: I was given the opportunity to live in the United States. Without any second thoughts, I packed my bags and in a bittersweet moment, I waved goodbye to my parents as I embarked on an adventure. Having arrived, I was presented with innumerable opportunities, including never needing to serve.
Still, I still want to serve my nation, and now even more so. I want to become the best Officer I can be, and be imbued with the highest ideals of duty, honor, and loyalty in order to lead my men and women with great ability. I aimed sights at the place that would help me become a better man and a better Officer: the United States Naval Academy.
