Essay style to aim for

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US21

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Hello again folks,
I have a question about the “why you want to go” essay. I am conflicted, because I have a lot to write (several reasons) to fit in so little space. I know many others struggle with this too, but would it be better to focus on one central reason? or several reasons all together?

First of all I have the reasons of visiting the academy, falling in love with it. I love the structure, people, and want to serve my country. Etc etc.

Second deep rooted reason, is because my dad immigrated to America. He has passed away, but I saw hard he worked for me and my sister. I want to make up for all his work and opportunities the country has provided us to get us where we are.

From an admission stand point, what kind of essay is more likely to stand out to you? Would you prefer a “quantity of reasons” or “one unique reason”?
 
You could, in a well organized way, touch on the quantity to a lesser extent than the “unique” reason. I skimmed your first reason (have read it hundreds of times), read your second one twice (unique to you). If that’s any indication! Not sure if USMA asks for “challenges you have faced’, but your father’s passing would be a good thing to write about, imo.

Good luck!
 
Everyone falls in love with the academy, most applicants will love the structure or they wouldn't be applying. All want to serve their country. Any one of these is good reasons, but what the reason you have that will make you memorable and stand out from the others? That's the thing to write about.
 
justdoit19 said:
You could, in a well organized way, touch on the quantity to a lesser extent than the “unique” reason. I skimmed your first reason (have read it hundreds of times), read your second one twice (unique to you). If that’s any indication! Not sure if USMA asks for “challenges you have faced’, but your father’s passing would be a good thing to write about, imo.

Good luck!
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Thank you!!!
 
kinnem said:
Everyone falls in love with the academy, most applicants will love the structure or they wouldn't be applying. All want to serve their country. Any one of these is good reasons, but what the reason you have that will make you memorable and stand out from the others? That's the thing to write about.
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I understand. Thank you.
 
@US21 I would add, why Army as opposed to Navy, etc. It's not just about the academy. Also, what do you bring to the table? What can you contribute to the Army? Just food for thought.
 
+1 to @kinnem. Avoid the cliche, boilerplate answers. They will not set you apart. Other than being yet another candidate who used cliche, boilerplate answers.

If your essay sounds like it could have been written by a hundred other candidates, then it’s not very good and not very personal. If you read your essay aloud to a couple people who know you very well (family, friends, teachers) and they say, “Wow, that’s very genuine, authentic and true,” then you probably have a winner.
 
MidCakePa said:
+1 to @kinnem. Avoid the cliche, boilerplate answers. They will not set you apart. Other than being yet another candidate who used cliche, boilerplate answers.

If your essay sounds like it could have been written by a hundred other candidates, then it’s not very good and not very personal. If you read your essay aloud to a couple people who know you very well (family, friends, teachers) and they say, “Wow, that’s very genuine, authentic and true,” then you probably have a winner.
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Great thought. Thank you.
 
Google "Hacking the College Essay 2017" and read it.

Write the Essay No One Else Could Write

"It boils down to this: the essay that gets you in is the essay that no other applicant could write.
Is this a trick? The rest of this guide gives you the best strategies to accomplish this single
most important thing: write the essay no one else could write.
If someone reading your essay gets the feeling some other applicant could have written it,
then you’re in trouble.
Why is this so important? Because most essays sound like they could have been written by
anyone. Remember that most essays fail to do what they should: replace numbers (SAT/GPA) with the real you.
Put yourself in the shoes of an admissions officer. She’s got limited time and a stack of
applications. Each application is mostly numbers and other stuff that looks the same. Then she picks
up your essay. Sixty seconds later, what is her impression of you? Will she know something specifically
about you? Or will you still be indistinguishable from the hundreds of other applicants she has been
reading about?"

So in your case make sure you are talking about you, not your dad too much.

What made you fall in love with the academy? You say "I love the structure, people, and want to serve my country. Etc etc."
What are examples of structure you saw?
What were the characteristics of the people you saw?
 
Another angle to consider as you write your essay is what West Point can provide for you to develop your leadership that you just won't get anywhere else. How will you use that education and what will you be able to contribute to others with your new knowledge if accepted? Your essay should be authentic and show your desire and commitment to your future in the military.
Best wishes!
 
bopper said:
Google "Hacking the College Essay 2017" and read it.

Write the Essay No One Else Could Write

"It boils down to this: the essay that gets you in is the essay that no other applicant could write.
Click to expand...

I get it. This sounds like good advise and I downloaded the article and read some of it. You don't want the admissions person reading your essay's eyes glaze over while reading it. You need to catch their attention and be memorable. However, isn't this somewhat of a paradox? On the one hand, the service academies are looking for cadets/mids that share many of the same traits, e.g. : Love their county, want to serve, want to be leaders, good at math and science, good athletes, good at time management, etc. So, if you fit the profile, you are going to be similar to many others in your class. It's what they want!!! That makes it difficult to write about yourself in way that makes you stand out because if you are so different so as to stand out, then how do you also fit the profile of what they are looking for? See what I mean? I think it takes a lot of creativity to write that catchy essay without sounding like some kind of weirdo.
 
NJROTC-CC said:
I think it takes a lot of creativity to write that catchy essay without sounding like some kind of weirdo.
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Yup. Exactly. SAs are seeking creative problem-solvers. Because much of leadership is creative problem-solving. There’s a common credo among SA parents: “Let your kid figure it out.” So here you go: Figure it out. Should you win offer of appointment, you’ll someday look back and realize that this assignment was one of the easiest things you were ever asked to do.
 
....and do it all in 3 short paragraphs.

That’s actually part of the challenge!
 
NJROTC-CC

But it is the same thing at "normal" colleges...they want smart kids with leadership and community service.

But there is a difference between: "Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to join the Armed Forces. I looked up to soldiers and leaders."
This could be written by anyone.

and "Noodles for breakfast again. I used to wonder why I couldn't have Captain Crunch like the other kids. Now I understand how retaining the culture of my father's country while living in American culture is important. This country accepted him when he had to leave because xxx and I want to pay that back in service."
 
bopper said:
NJROTC-CC

But it is the same thing at "normal" colleges...they want smart kids with leadership and community service.

But there is a difference between: "Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to join the Armed Forces. I looked up to soldiers and leaders."
This could be written by anyone.

and "Noodles for breakfast again. I used to wonder why I couldn't have Captain Crunch like the other kids. Now I understand how retaining the culture of my father's country while living in American culture is important. This country accepted him when he had to leave because xxx and I want to pay that back in service."
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I like your suggestion. This young person has a different and interesting story to tell. It is tougher to write a catchy essay when a kid is good old plain american cheese (the kind with individually wrapped slices) and is the same as all the slices in the package. But, if it weren’t a challenge, it might not be worth the result.
 
Has anyone who posted above actually served on an admissions board for a service academy? Do they really care about standing out, or is in fact merely important to have an authentic desire to serve?

For example, does a 1580 SAT, 3.95 GP UW, Class Vice President, nationally competitive recruited athlete with 20 hours/wk work leadership experience and community service desiring to major in STEM ALSO need to tell a unique story? Or is the admissions committee just interested in knowing that their desire to attend and serve is real? (In other words, don't the credentials "sizzle" on their own even if the Personal Statement isn't worthy of a creative writing prize?)
 
@RSRD What if you have 10 people with a 1580 SAT, 3.95 GP UW, Class Vice President, athlete, with 20 hours/wk work leadership experience and community service desiring to major in STEM. How do you differentiate?
 
I’ve seen videos of how admissions reviews applications. It’s interesting. Problem is, there are more applicants like you describe than there are spots in a class. SOMETHING has to draw admissions to YOU, verses the other candidate. My DS isn’t a creative writer. He doesn’t paint a picture with his pen. That is not his gift. But he did present himself beyond a generic “desire to serve”. In his essay. You have to in order for them to understand who you are. But in the whole package, along with everything else. The essay is only one part.

As is said all the time, they are putting together a whole puzzle that meets the needs of the whole. Not one individual part. So while one candidates strength may not be writing, it could be their ability to connect in other ways.

And remember that first it’s a battle to win the slate. So a local MOC may connect differently with a candidate, and win that spot.

Just like any job interview, all you can do is honestly present who you are. And the. USNA decides if you are the one!
 
RSRD said:
(In other words, don't the credentials "sizzle" on their own even if the Personal Statement isn't worthy of a creative writing prize?)
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A candidate has to stand out exactly because candidates with those lofty credentials are a dime a dozen. Many candidates bring plenty of “sizzle” and don’t receive offer of appointment. Just read the many posts here that lament this scenario. And yes, speak to someone who’s involved in admissions — officially or unofficially — and they’ll tell you that for every candidate with “sizzle” who’s admitted, there are others with the same “sizzle” or better who are declined.

Does an essay need to be worthy of a Pulitzer? Hardly. But in a sea of sameness (what you call “sizzle”), admissions is seeking those who make the compelling case that they are the most worthy candidate. And that means standing out. This doesn’t require creative brilliance. It does require thoughtful authenticity.
 
justdoit19 said:
....and do it all in 3 short paragraphs.

That’s actually part of the challenge!
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My drafts all have 5 paragraphs... :spacecraft: is it preferred to be 3 main segments? Or intro, 3 bp, and conclusion to wrap up 3 bps.
 
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