He might drop out of ROTC

[Navy1981]

My son started his freshman year as a college programmer (after receiving a nomination for the Naval Academy but ultimately wasn't accepted, and not receiving a Tier 3 Navy scholarship). Prior to fall quarter he was offered and accepted a scholarship (one of a handful of Tier 3 Navy given) for the remainder of his college education. He started the school year very upbeat--one of the most gung ho kids his B&G had ever seen), but as the school year progressed things went downhill. He had virtually no friends other than the ROTC kids, and when they were busy with their other new friends he had virtually no one to do things with (most were in another dorm clear across campus). Difficult for a kid who had always been outgoing and had no problems making friends. Always a creative kid with a vast array of interests (music, martial arts, reading, scifi), he found this group of kids limited (no insult, just not the kind of kids he was used to). With tough classes (18 credits both quarters), early mornings for PT (he also joined bulldog PT but is Navy option), two NROTC teams, a bad triple dorm room/roommate situation, bad break up with girlfriend from home, and the hours lying awake thinking "is this all there is, and is this what I want to be doing, everyone I know is absolutely loving college life and I hate mine," we've received too many unhappy phone calls to count, as well as some very scary emails. He's tried joining clubs to meet people, but actually doesn't have a lot of time between studying and NROTC activities to do much. One of his classes requires him to do 20 hours volunteer work for children for this quarter--in addition to the volun-told work he's got with NROTC.

After looking at all the posts here I've found some good information/advice to perhaps share with him. Obviously we don't want him to waste the opportunity the scholarship brings, but his sanity is more important. Don't know if this is freshman funk, but with spring break approaching--and some time home regrouping, we're hoping he can hold out through this school year and see if he looks at it differently once he's completed a year. With Cortramid this summer he might find he really, really wants to do this and accordingly deal with all the bad looking toward the good down the line. Right now, however, all he sees is the bad.

If anyone else has some words of wisdom to pass on, I'l love them.
Thanks for listening.

Parentofmen.

I can absolutely relate to you on this one. Sounds exactly like my mid from 3 1/2 years ago. I had to look at this situation from both sides of the fence; as a parent and as commanding officer. Son went off to college and ROTC; has no friends (he had so many AP classes he entered as a sophomore, so no other ROTC freshmen took the same classes as he did); college roommate switched to a different dorm (to be with football team); breakup with GF; can't do anything right in ROTC; Gunny doesn't like me, etc. etc.

We talked. We discussed options. We came up with plans. He failed to follow through on them. He became more introverted and depressed. Once he reached the point where I as a commanding officer would have referred one of my sailors to the Chaplain or Mental Health was when I called the ROTC unit. A five minute talk was all it took. He found out his Lieutenant was there for him; all he had to do is ask. Things quickly turned around and suddenly all things were good. He is now the ROTC Batallion XO and 8 weeks away from graduation and commissioning.

So, I'm in between what Pima and P-Flying-17 have said. If you've done all you can from a distance and feel that things aren't getting better and no progress is being made, then maybe it is time to make that call.

 

[singaporemom]

I would be surprised if an ROTC cadet did not have second thoughts during his/her first year. Having two sons, one in his junior year AROTC and one a plebe at USNA, I think the rotc cadet has it harder. It is very difficult emotionally to walk the fine line of college kid and military officer in training.

My AROTC son almost quit during his freshman year. He started college the day after high school graduation when he was accepted to the Strategic language and culture program and spent the summer learning Russian for the Army. We all thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to get the ball rolling for college since this program was being held at the University he was to attend in the fall. It had its ups and downs, but at the end of the summer we could tell he was conflicted. It seemed that the inspirational military stories were less than inspirational and he walked away with a jaded feeling towards his army career. He then spent the fall semester with a difficult schedule (studying Russian and Chinese) and ofcourse the bronchitis that seems to attack every freshman.

He decided to not talk about his misgivings with ROTC until the last day of Christmas Break. Talk about being thrown a curve ball!!! I had a night of no sleep and then sat him down for an hour before we left for the airport.

what was he feeling? He was nervous. He was tired. He was sick. His ROTC roommate was failing and dropping out.

Ok. We narrowed it down to being nervous. I advised him to speak to his PMS about his career path, his military options, etc, because that was something I had little knowledge of. He needed the straight scoop and the PMS was the best resource.

I then explained the realities of leaving ROTC. We could not afford the out of state tuition and room and board. That was a fact. We could afford in-state tuition in Texas and he could apply to any school in state. this had always been the plan, so it was not a shock.

We dug a little deeper. He wanted to make it on his own. He didn't want his parents' help, he wanted to do it himself. Now this I found very interesting. I realized at that moment that he had not connected the dots that those 18 years he had just lived, the martial arts titles, the eagle scout, the great grades, studying chinese in China on scholarship, etc etc etc...he had not realized that he, himself, had earned this AROTC scholarship because he had worked so darn hard his entire life. I looked him in the eye and told him of his accomplishments and that they meant something. He had made his own way.

His entire demeanor changed right on the spot. He excused himself to go pack his suitcase. On the way to the airport. He thanked me for the kick in the butt. He promised to speak to his PMS.

Funny thing, his PMS called me, asking how DS was doing. This was before DS spoke to him. I asked if he wanted the cheerleader response or the truth. He asked for the truth. We talked very candidly and the PMS took it from there. Within the week he had announced to the battalion that they would have sessions on career choices (or whatever the military calls it) and he was available for the cadets whenever they wanted to talk. Fortunately DS took the opportunity to speak to PMS.

He's now finishing his junior year and anxious about LDAC. But he sees what he has done, and the foundation he is building for his future in the Army. I honestly think he'd rather be graduating this year and getting on with it.

For those parents with kids that are conflicted, be thankful that they want to talk to you. Some kids spiral down and dont want to talk. But, you must be honest with them. If you cannot afford the school that they are attending if they drop ROTC, you must tell them that. This is all part of being an adult and taking responsibility for their actions. If you can afford the school, then there is no problem. However, I would advise that they speak to their PMS and complete the first year. You do not want them leaving because they are tired, or sick, or homesick. But you definitely do not want them to quit the second day into their 2nd year and end up out of college and enlisted.

But, that is exactly what happened to DS's roommate and he sounds happier than ever.

Everyone is different, has different stressors, and there is no one nice and neat solution. But every cadet should speak to their PMS for counsel.

 

[Pima]

I agree with singapore.

If you walk away with anything, walk away with pride as a parent. It is very hard for kids to be brutally honest with parents.

Look at us the parents, I bet 99% of us sugar coat our lives even to this day to our own parents...us, in our 40's+ still hide things out of love from our own parents.

I also agree if he didn't have this dip in the ride, I would be concerned. It is normal. No person on this life, unless on major amount of happy pills, doesn't have a time in their life that they don't question their path.

Add in multiple stressors and age, I again say, this kid has his head on straight and wise beyond his age, because he is acting mature and being open and honest with you.

As singapore's post illustrated sometimes the school sees it, and they jump in.

P-17, my point was not that child not speak to someone, but that the folks don't be helo's and jump in for him. Look at singapore.

She took the right approach IMPO. She told her DS to talk to them. She gave him the responsibility to do it. The PMS contacted her, and they talked. She didn't pick up the phone and called them.

There is a difference. It is a big difference. I know for a fact that when Bullet JR was a C100 and he had a scholarship issue, I committed that cardinal sin. Afterall we were financially impacted if they didn't process it on time, so I thought I had that right. Bullet JR went ballistic on me. He read me the riot act. OBTW, the det told me pt blank sorry Pima, but JR is over 18 we can't release any info. That was 4 weeks after he got to college as a freshman. From that point on, I never stuck my nose in any of his business re: the scholarship. I just flat out said, this college costs @38K a yr, your father and I can't afford that, so it is up to you to be on it. He has!

 

[rkrosnar]

"Tough love" has, in fact, worked wonders in the patentesq household as well.

I totally agree with patentesq here. My DS is less than two weeks away from turning 21. Mom still treats him like a baby. He a dual major physics/astrophysics and had oppportunities handled to him for a free education. He made a choice to go to a great school, but Mom is footing the bill for him. Now Mom is worried because our DD is headed to a small all womens school for forensics, totaling 40,000 dollars and how she going to pay for it. I agreed to pay for computers for both my DS and DD and that's it. No one has put a gun to anyones head here and forced anyone pay for their college education. (ie; made them accountable and responsible). It much easier to give in to our kids, but it is much harder to say no, and have them be responsible.

RGK

 

[Pima]

Not following your train of thought rkrosnar.

The current child we are talking about is having adjustment issues. Unless, I skipped a big beat it is not the parent's worry about fiscal issues, but that their child is overwhelmed emotionally and deciding if the military is the right path.

This isn't about $$$.

I get where you are coming from re: babying a child.

You all know me, and my cliches, but the reason we don't baby our children is because before DS1 graduated HS I was given this advice.

You are the frame and they are the picture. They create it. You just support it. You have no other job now than just to support, what they create, they create.

Nobody who has ever seen Vermeer's Girl with a Pearl Earring can tell you what the frame looked like. Vermeer never painted it for a specific frame because the framer said I need a painting X by X size. Yet, the frame exists it was made to fit his painting.

Be the frame, make sure it fits the picture. Follow them now, don't make them follow your needs/wants/desires.

 

[sprog]

Remember folks, sometimes what goes around comes around.

"Oh, I wanted to put you into the good home, dad, but even though I make $700K per annum (with a $250K profit-sharing end-of-year bonus) as a plastic surgeon (which I finally earn after decades of paying off undergraduate and medical school debt because my financially-capable parents wouldn't help me out), I wouldn't want you to feel "babied." You can "suck it up" at the decrepit, state-run place that takes Medicaid/Medicare without any additional costs. I hear the rats are friendly."

"Tough love, dad, just like you taught me"...

Tounge and cheek, folks.....but there is a point there.

 

[vamom]

Wow....definitely going to start being nicer to my kids!

 

[FloridaDad]

I will start being nicer to my DS when he is a Plastic Surgeon.

 

[aglages]

I will start being nicer to my DS when he is a Plastic Surgeon.

Agreed. Until then I'll look forward to the day when his income exceeds his expenses. Perhaps then I'll be able to save enough to keep myself out of the decrepit, state-run place that takes Medicaid/Medicare without any additional costs and has friendly rats.