Helicopter parents and you

Always helped if they asked with application. Visited when we could. Teach to do Ironining "mom thing" although I learned my own wihout Mom intervention. Taxes are tough for new Plebes since they have probably never done them ever before.:thumb: Didn't consider it Helicopter.
 
+1 CC
+1 Mom

You can debate this all day long, but in the eyes of the military once they are 18, the military may cut you out of their life (medical/academics voice) because they are a legal adult in the eyes of the law.

+1 AF6872
Taxes are different, especially if they open up IRAs. However, IMPO that isn't heloing.
 
Try to get your Kid's grades while they are an "Adult" and you are
paying for it.:shake: I don't think Taxes are HELO either. They probably have never seen that before. Welcome to the world.
 
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Pima said:
LITS and Devil I think you both have valid perspectives.

I get Devil's position because for our kids, they left for school at 6-6:30 a.m. and didn't come home until 9-10 pm.
~~ DS1 was a lifeguard that ran in the house and changed into his guard uniform, worked M,T,W,F, and Sat. 4 -9 yr round. Summer hrs 9-5 M-F
~~ DS2 played football. Summer camp (mandatory) was 6 a.m. to 4 pm. School yr his schedule until Nov; could be later if they made champions was 6:30 am to 6:30 pm M-T, F 6:30 a.m. to 10-11 pm.

There was no available time to contact anyone when it came to time sensitive issues unless, we as a parent called on their behalf.

I think that you are misconstruing why Devil did what they did for their children. Trust me, I did it too. I would come home and see a blinking light on the answering machine. I knew my child's schedule and I had no problem picking up the phone and saying to that person, This is Mrs. Bullet, DS will not be home until 10 pm tonight, can I assist, or can he email/voicemail you the response when he gets home?

Sometimes it was a simple answer that we could assist, and sometimes they needed to talk to the candidate personally...i.e. email, voicemail.

I am not dogging you, because I do agree to a point, I am just illustrating the reasons why some parents that assist should not be viewed as helicopter parents. You need to understand how competitive not only the SA's are, but college and scholarships too. EC's are a big factor in their resume, thus because of that they are not hanging out at home after school playing XBOX.

I do agree with LITS, if you come into save the day, you harm your child. I took that as his point.


+1

DS actually would vent to Bullet and I, but he would always premise DON'T DO ANYTHING!
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That is my point. My son left the house at 6:00 am to lift weights, run or whatever and did not get home normally til after 7PM. He was a 1st team All-State athlete in 3 sports, he kept a gpa over 4.0, was vice-president of his school and on the NHS. You really think he could do all that and not need some help with phone calls, recruiting visits, etc...plus he did not have his own car and still doesn't.
I have not called or talked to anyone at USAFA in regards for him since he left for BCT. I know he is well adjusted and actually doing quite well there, and I do know he appreciated the help I gave him along the way.
 
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Christcorp said:
I think the problem, difference, confusion, misinterpretation, or whatever the heck you want to call it is:

People have a different definition between:

1. HELP
2. DO

If you "Help" your child with applications, research, information, filling out forms, learning laundry, learning finances, etc... Then you are a "GOOD PARENT".

If you "DO" the applications, research, information, filling out forms, DO their laundry, DO their taxes, etc... then you are a "HELICOPTER PARENT".
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+1
I like your description of the differences. I have helped quite a bit but I don't believe I have done any of it.
 
DevilDog said:
An explanation of how I helped my own son with his college plans. I think there are many parents that do this all over the country yearly. I helped my other two with their college apps, recruiting visits, and the like. I guess my kids are needier than most kids, but it is interesting how they all are going to college with a scholarship.
It is nothing to brag about, but it is a fact of life. Parents are involved and help their children. Someday when you have children, I don't know if you do or if you will, you will understand.
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"Helicopter parents" and "Dragon Mom" comes to mind at the mention of doting parents. I would like to add another moniker that might apply to some parents who just care for their child's future and well-being. Parent's that just know when to step in and when to let go. There's a fine line between well-meaning and overbearing parents. After flying on gliders with Civil Air Patrol, I learned that gliders need tow planes to take them to a certain altitude then the towline is unhitched. Allowing the glider to soar. Just like the application process to the SA, there's just too much details to try and complete all on your own. A skill that a future leader needs to learn is to use every available resource and to delegate. Multitasking and attending to every other commitments in and out of school while checking off every requirement and deadline is just almost impossible. I couldn't have done it without the assistance of my parents. A shout out to all "towplane parents" that helped their sons and daughters grow up and maximize their potential.
 
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It's also important to remember... failing is learning too.

I can remember one incident my first tour that I still regret. I undress (as in yelling, not taking off his cloths) a guy that worked for me. I did it in front of a couple of his division-mates, including one or two guys that worked for him.

My OPS saw me and told me that I needed to apologize.... and I did.

It took me some time to figure out how wrong I was. I carry that lesson with me today, in the way I interact with people. I've been in more stressful situations since that event, but I haven't turned on one of my own like I did that day in 2006 or 2007.
 
Love the "towplane":shake: A fine line between genius and insanity during the application process and the next four years.
 
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I too love the"towplane" - one might also see it within the context of having an admin assistant! - trying to cram life learning into a full high school schedule does get tricky - tax laws, ROTH's, and for those not doing a SA - the financial aid offices and their required information - unless your child is emansupated, the parent's information is required - so I certainly agree, a parent does continue to let the string out on the kite, but there are issues that a parent is the best advisor/ etc for. - larrys mom
 
The whole parenting process is teaching them to need us a little less each day. For some this is easier than others. It's amazing what they can do alone when we actually give them the opportunity. :thumb:
 
mom3boys said:
The whole parenting process is teaching them to need us a little less each day. For some this is easier than others. It's amazing what they can do alone when we actually give them the opportunity. :thumb:
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Actually a big part of it is teaching yourself to need them less as well.

For a darker view of the subject of parenting, consider Philip Larkin's unprintable poem "This Be the Verse".
 
The hard part--at least for me--is knowing that while the kids will always be the center of my little universe, I have moved to the periphery of theirs. I know it's as it should be...but still, a tough adjustment.
 
Philip Larrkin ain't one of my favorites. E E Cummings would have been better although bad also:confused:.
 
Here's one that can be printed:

Helicopter Parent
A Poem by Blake Q Hatfield

I float around to see that all is well
I shall protect my child in a shell
Blades swirling as I try to see
That nothing happens, that they still believe

And they can go anywhere, do anything
As I hover to cover and blind them from defeat
There is no time for reality and lessons
Got to keep them on my path, on their path
If I keep telling myself it's ok, it should be so

To all those that say that my way is wrong
How could trying to keep bliss amongst the ignorance
How could be levitating away from self sufficiency
How could fighting the vain fight to deny when all is not right
It's my responsibility, my conditioning, my desire to see
With blinders the child I wanted, I always wanted to be

I am the helicopter flying fancy free
High above in the denial clouds and starry dreams
I can move the teaching birds flying in my path
We will never come down from the sky
And my child will never learn to leave and fly
But what's tomorrow but a day that I don't want to face
The reality that maybe I have already on the path
Where my helicopter ways will lead to a crash
And my perfect ideal will lay broken on the ground
As I try to figure where I went wrong.
 
I grew up in a family of 6 boys (I'm the youngest). None of my brothers stepped a foot in college or a trade school. The word "college" was never spoken while I was growing up. I graduated from a class of 900 high school students and the counselors never met with me to identify my potential. I was completely on my own and didn't know it. This is still happening today in many families across the country. So I grew up in a family that is the polar opposite of a helicopter parent.

Luckily, I decided to go to a tech school for electronics and later became an electrical engineering on Honeywell's nickel while I worked full time and started a family. Little did I know that I could have attended college for free because we were poor. But obtaining an electrical engineering degree while working 60 hours a week and starting a family was a punishing route. That path made me who I am today. I therefore do appreciate the view point that failure makes you stronger.

So I definitively over compensated in comparison to the lack of advice I got. I have had hundreds of engaging conversations on things that I learned the hard way. The word "college" has been spoken since day one and my kids are self motivated to succeed. I helped them with their homework while they were young but in 7th grade they were on their own. They have met with their counselors 20 times and they graduated from the same high school that I did. Times have changed. I view my parenting role as a (loving) facilitator and educator. My job is nearly complete.

Yet, I know some of our friends view us as "helicopter parents" because we are so involved. Like DevilDog said, my kids were so busy from morning till night that they had little time to take care of the logistics. I set-up shadowing opportunities with my customer friends, while my wife took care of signing them up for sport clinics, etc. We went on college tours with them and now we are talking about degree trade-offs. In the end it is their decision but they listen because they respect our advice. Even with the best advice, there will be plenty of opportunities for them to fail and learn from those mistakes. Our advice has ramped down to only giving it if they ask.

I do think heavily involved parents are viewed by some as "helicopter parents". In September of 2011, I emailed my DS a link to West Point and let him know that he might want to check into the SA's. A month later he got a LOA at WP. Soon he needed this "helicopter parent" again as he was DQed by DOBMERB for a pre-syncope misdiagnosis (at USAFA and WP). For those who went through the waiver process, you know that you have one shot at it. So I suppose I spent dozens of hours researching the "condition", taking with Cardiologist, WP and USAFA waiver staff, etc to really understand what they were concerned about and why. What a maze!

I then called on a doctor customer of mine at the Mayo to get help. I wanted my son in front of the head cardiologist to examine him. I needed an appointment with this guy inside of a few days while his appointment schedule was out 6 weeks. The Mayo cardiologist laughed at the diagnosis and wrote a letter to DODMERB. In the end, I know my DS would not have had a chance to get this all done by himself. In fact, I don't think most parents could have pulled it off even though it was an obvious misdiagnosis. I suspect I had 150 hours into this process making sure I understood the waiver procedure etc. It took a level of tenacity that consumed us for a few weeks. In the end, we all learned a ton and made the appointment much more rewarding.

Dozens of medical wavers that should happen get DQed because parents don't step up. Does that make me a "helicopter parent"? Some might think so. But as DevilDog said, the end result speaks for itself. He is in.
 
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Mndad, as mentioned earlier, there is a difference between HELPING and DOING. I don't think anyone reading your involvement would accuse u of being a helicopter parent. I think there are some parents here that are taking the subject of helicopter parents too personally. They think there are some saying that any involvement by a parent makes them a helicopter parent. Not one person has said or claimed that.

We all know the line, whether we want to admit it or not, of what our children should be doing for themselves, when they need help, and when we simply do it for them because we want to be too involved and don't allow them to do for themselves.

You brought up the topic of your kids doing homework. That's a good example because all parents can relate to it. Did your kids come home from school and you said, where's your homework, then took it from them, completed it all for them, and gave it back to them to hand in? Probably not. Why? Because you knew that they'd probably fail their tests because weren't learning anything. You'd make your kids do the homework, amd after trying, you'd help them if they had problems. That's perfect parenting.

Same should apply with all facets of their life. They should try and accomplish whatever to the level of their capability, and then you help beyond that. And if it then exceeds your capabilities, you find additional resources to help. Sometimes your child's capability includes time. Such as being away and they can't get something accomplished, so you help out. Just like you help anyone.

The problem arises when a child could or should do something for themselves and you don't let them. Usually its because the parent doesnt want to let go. I could give plenty of examples of when a parent is a helicopter parent, but there will be those who will reply with "But".... Some may be legitimate, but many will simply be rationalization. Most know when they cross the line, they just won't admit it. But when you cross the line and do for your child what they could or more importantly SHOULD do for themselves, u r a helicopters parent and u are actually hurting your child and their growth.
 
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